I know he's an addict..is he a narcissist too?

[Stormchild]

Many, many folks with substance abuse problems have a real compulsion to crap in their own nests. It makes them feel like total lowlifes, so they can continue the substance abuse.

Also, if whoever shares the nest doesn't leave when it's crapped in, the crap tends to provoke codependent responses [because almost any response other than leaving has no choice but to be codependent, unless you are really savvy and aware of the pitfalls. Who is? Hardly anyone.] Which again are used as an excuse to continue the substance abuse.

You are WELL out of this, Wiish.

[I consider alcoholism a form of substance abuse.]

[Anonymous]

Bunny, As far as the other people drinking in the house, they aren't allowed to.  My son, when he was living with us, went ahead and did it anyway without my knowing it.  I knew that he went out and drank and got high, but after YEARS of alanon have finally accepted that I can make myself nuts monitoring their behavior or I can just let them do what they do and hope that someday the consequences get to them.  As far as our friend is concerned, he respected the face that I didn't want drinking in the house and although he does go out and drink, he doesn't drink here and he doesn't come home drunk.  I was still operating under the false assumption that my husband viewed sobriety as something he knew he needed to do and didn't realize that having other people in the house going ahead and living their lives was going to be an issue for him.  I thought that he was sincere about his desire for sobriety.

[Anonymous]

and bunny..you are totally correct about the window of opportunity his guilt is giving me as far as coming our of this financially ok is concerned.

[Anonymous]

Another week down and I am feeling better.  Have strung several non-sobbing days together and feeling more in control of my out of control life and thinking that this whole mess is going to be better for me in the long-run, just like everyone has been telling me from day one.  Got a job...pay is lousy but there are a lot of hours to be had (50 this week) so I can make it on my own, thank you so much.  My formerly dearly beloved has contributed 175.00 this month to the care and feeding of his former family and told my son he took his new family to Milwaukee to the IMAX theatre..not a cheap fieldtrip by any means..while pleading poverty and responsibilties for ox-woman's bills to me....oh, well...my plan is to situate myself so whatever child support he is ordered to pay by the courts is money that I don't count on for survival..that way I don't have to get nuts worrying about it and the state will pursue it for me.  The IMAX fieldtrip was really a good thing for my head..underlined and put an exclamation point on his skewed priorities and who and what I am really dealing with.  Amazing how someone can so completely absolve themselves of responsibility and caring in such a short time.  He's doing incredible damage to his relationship with our son, but either doesn't see it or doesn't care.  Not my job to figure it out or fix it for him anymore either. He walked away from two other kids from his previous marriage, so maybe it gets easier as you jettison more children.  My son, fortunately, has a pretty sound sense of reality and while he is hurt, just chalks it up to his dad being an idiot.  So anyway..that is life in the fast lane and wanted to give you an update and still more thanks for how you guys are helping me through this oh-so-special moment in my life. Wiish

[Anonymous]

He walked away from two other kids from his previous marriage, so maybe it gets easier as you jettison more children.  

He is a heavy-duty narcissist .  I'm glad you have a job, I hope it's not too arduous (50 hrs!). Hang in there!

bunny

[Anonymous]

Insanity update...this morning we went and did the first step of the pro se thing.  We drove in to town together...I cried in the office when I saw our names on the divorce file...came back home and discovered that one of the kids had smashed the lights on his trailer, so he was all fired up about that.  In the grand scheme of things, I think there are bigger issues than the smashed lights, although the kids and I are going to have a LOUD chat about that whole line of behaviour.  I just found it weird that our lives are falling apart, I have no money, I'm an emotional trainwreck, my kids are clearly hurting over this...and he is worried over a couple of smashed tail lights and where in the heck I packed his baseball glove.

[Anonymous]

Found out the tail light culprit...it was my younger son...husband just assumes that it is the older one who refuses to speak to him...argh.  My son said that he was out in the yard scooping poop and saw a pickax..saw the lights and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  He has been diabused of that concept.  Wiish

[Anonymous]

that would be disabused