Everyone

[sleepyhead]

Hi everyone, I'm baaack (cue scary Poltergeist music).    I've been away for quite a while now, and just wanted to say that I've missed you and that I'm really sorry that I'm not up to speed with everyones threads, there is just too much to catch up and my life is pretty hectic right now. I will read as much as I can, but I just can't read it all.  

Anyway, time to bring the honesty out... (There should be a scared emoticon.) I said to Stormy on another thread that the reason I'd been gone was that I was focussing on being pregnant and that we've had people visiting. This is true, but it is not the only reason why I kept away. I suddenly got paranoid and my old insecurities came back, and I felt like the majority of people here didn't like me, thought that I was boring and just plain didn't care . I hope this is just in my head, I often feel like I'm intruding on other people's fun/friendship and they are just polite to me but secretely wish I would go away. I suppose it's down to having an Nmother and being bullied in school for nine years. Anyway, I hope it's just in my head, but if it's not, please tell me what I'm doing wrong? I really do want to know...

[October]

I felt like the majority of people here didn't like me, thought that I was boring and just plain didn't care . I hope this is just in my head, I often feel like I'm intruding on other people's fun/friendship and they are just polite to me but secretely wish I would go away.

I can't speak for anyone else, but this is not true of me.  I always look forward to reading your posts, sleepyhead.  You told me once that I am kind, warm and caring; you would not have said that if you were not also kind, warm and caring, and that shows in your posts.

It is very good to see you back here again.  And I am not just being polite.
(((((((SH))))))))
 

[Cadbury]

I too have just returned to the boards as I moved house and my broadband was off for ages. In the same way as you have said, there really is too much to catch up on, so I'm going to try and wade in from here on!!

I did want to say that I have always liked your posts so don't worry about that! Although I also cannot speak for anyone else, I like your posts, don't feel you are intruding on anything and am glad you're back!

*hugs*

P.S. How's the pregnancy going?

[Brigid]

Sleepyhead,
I can't speak for the people in your "real" life, but you are certainly cared about here.

You need to concentrate on keeping a positive attitude for the sake of that little baby growing inside you.  He/she (do you know?) is depending on you and absolutely no one else matters except you, the baby, your son and husband.

I'm keeping all of you in my prayers.

(((((((sleepy & baby))))))))

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hey sleepyhead,

I'm glad to see that you are back.  I always enjoyed reading your posts.

I hope all is well with your pregnancy.

I was wondering where the expecting Moms were.  Happy to see Cadbury back on the board too.  

Mia

[write]

most of us have these insecurities from time to time.

For me it's taken a lot of therapy to not feel AWFUL every time I speak out or have my say.

<I often feel like I'm intruding on other people's fun/friendship >

I used to feel like I was on the outside looking in; as the years went on I joined in more, but it's taken many years to feel like it's actually me living it!

Be patient with yourself, you'll get there.

[Anonymous]

Hiya Sleepyhead:

felt like the majority of people here didn't like me,

This was a thought that was causing you to feel rejected, right?  These kinds of thoughts can really seem real and take a hold sometimes, eh?  I don't think this one is the least bit true.  I think most people here do like you, Sleepy.  I really do.

thought that I was boring and just plain didn't care.

We are all guilty of imagining other people's thoughts and thinking we know what's going on in their heads.  Another impossible feat.  If people thought that, no one would have bothered to respond to you at all.  If they didn't care, ditto.  So really, this is just another unreal thought that has managed to infiltrate your mind and seemed real.

I hope this is just in my head, I often feel like I'm intruding on other people's fun/friendship and they are just polite to me but secretely wish I would go away.

This indicates your feelings of unworthiness, imo.  Somehow, you have it in your head that you are just not as interesting, likeable and worthy of being included, as other people are.  Another thought that causes you to feel something.  "I'm not worthy" = feel unwanted/excluded/rejected...if others don't say/do whatever.  You decided their being polite was hiding their wish that you would just go away.  More imagining people's thoughts here.  It might be a habit?  Try to catch yourself doing this and then talk yourself out of it.  People will say what they think, or at least, be short and rude, if they don't like you/want you to leave.  I don't think anyone here has done that to you right?  No one has said:  "I don't like you Sleepy.  You're boring.  Why don't you just go away?"  (If they have...........let me at 'em!!! ).  So this is really just another thought, in your head, that took over.

 

I suppose it's down to having an Nmother and being bullied in school for nine years.

Did she put you down a lot of the time?  Was she short with you/rude to you?  Did you feel unworthy of her love?  So many of these things have such a huge impact on us as children.  And then....being bullied in school.            That wasn't very nice at all for you, Sleepy.  I'm sorry for all you've been through as a child and all the pain of being bullied and treated with disrespect for so many years.  That was so awful for you and hard to bare.

My best advice is to try really hard to focus on your beautiful child that is on his/her way here and how you will do better by your child.  You will love that child and be sure that child feels worthy and isn't treated rudely/shortly/or cruelly the way you were.  You will do this Sleepy because you know what it feels like to be treated so meanly and how it hurts so deeply.

I think people here will not do that to you.  I think they will treat you with respect and be polite because that's the way they are....polite, respectful people.  I can't speak for everyone either but these are my guesses.  That people do want you here.  That people do not find you boring and that they consider you worthy of friendship/caring/support/whatever else they can offer.  I don't know this but I really believe it to be true.  I bet....you will see that I'm not too far off.

Anyway, I hope it's just in my head, but if it's not, please tell me what I'm doing wrong?

It's probably just a habit of thinking that has been caused by past experience and that can be corrected.  The only thing wrong is thinking that you are not welcome or liked or wanted here.  Correct those thoughts ASAP and you will see that they had no value.

I'm glad you're here Sleepy and I hope you will keep posting and sharing with us.

(((((((Sleepy and baby)))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Hi sleepyhead,

I thought you had your baby, and that's why you were gone!  

You're brave to admit your fears. I have similar ones: that I am (a) boring; (b) not providing enough stimulation; (d) people wish I would just go away. I've discussed these fears in therapy many times. They haven't gotten better. I guess these feelings originate with sensing that mom found me disappointing and not the baby she wanted.

Anyway, glad you're back.  

bunny

[Anonymous]

Sleepyhead and bunny,

Sleepy wrote,

I often feel like I'm intruding on other people's fun/friendship and they are just polite to me but secretely wish I would go away.

This is everyone's board, including yours. You are just as much a friend as anyone else here. A lot of people missed you. I personally was wondering where you were, because I like hearing about your little one on the way. If anyone here secretly wishes you would go away then they should.

Anyway, I hope it's just in my head, but if it's not, please tell me what I'm doing wrong?

The only thing you did wrong was go away.  Don't do that again and you'll be fine.  

bunny wrote,

I have similar ones: that I am (a) boring; (b) not providing enough stimulation; (d) people wish I would just go away.

(a) I find you very interesting and intriguing
(b) your posts are extremely valuable and stimulating
(c) you better not go away or you'll have a hot under the gills amphibian on your tail.

bunny,
I understand that you aren't comfortable sharing about yourself and that makes me a little sad but its OK because thats you. You seem like a wartime nurse with an injury who refuses aid for herself and just keeps ministering to her patients. I think you're the cat's pajamas.

You too sleepyhead.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Hello ((((((((all))))))))! Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I was pretty sure (intellectually) that it was just in my head, but it feels really good being told so by you. I should have just posted this is the first place, shouldn't I? Oh, well, I'm learning.

October:

And I am not just being polite.

I know from your post that apart from being warm, kind and caring you are also honest, so this means a lot to me. And it was seeing you being brave and saying when you felt hurt that made me dare to do the same.  So thanks!

Cadbury: Good to see you back! I did wonder where you had got to, and I missed you, there aren't that many of us living in the U.K. here (no offence to our American/Canadian/any other nationality?), and soon there will be one less when I go back to turnip-land. It feels a bit sad, but being pregnant it will feel nice to be with family (my fiancé's that is, and my sister).

P.S. How's the pregnancy going?

Great! No more nausea, not so tired, stomach seems to be getting bigger every day    and have started imagining? that I can feel something kicking!     My fiancé insists that now is the time to see Alien, but since I've seen it so many times I'm leaning towards Rosemary's Baby, which I haven't seen and which seems equally good for someone with a twisted sense of humour to watch while pregnant...

Brigid:

You need to concentrate on keeping a positive attitude for the sake of that little baby growing inside you. He/she (do you know?) is depending on you and absolutely no one else matters except you, the baby, your son and husband.

You are right, it is important to stay positive, but I managed to do that pretty well by avoiding... Yeah, not very healthy, but I'm back and dealt with the problem! Maybe I'm not a hopeless case after all...    No, we don't want to know what it is, that would spoil the surprise, but maybe you are on to something telling me to take care of my son   , since this is my first child   ! Thanks for the prayers, seing as we're heathens we probably need all the prayers we can get, and jokes aside, I do really appreciate it.

Mia: Thanks for the support, glad you enjoy my posts, I enjoy yours as well, even though I might not always have good advice, but it is always good to see all the mothers here coping so well.  

Write:

I used to feel like I was on the outside looking in; as the years went on I joined in more, but it's taken many years to feel like it's actually me living it!

Yes! Exactly! But it used to be a lot worse, it used to be all the time, now it comes and goes... Normally I'm able to take part even though I might feel completely separate, and some of the time I feel like I'm living it. I just hate it when I slip back into that awful "evrybody hates me"-paranoia.

GFN: Yes, yes and yes again! You are absolutely right (I'm not going to quote what you said that was right, this post would become really long). It is just so hard to get past these feelings, even though I might know (or at least strongly suspect) that they are wrong... "Mindreading" is a big part of the problem, and so is feelings of unworthiness...  Feelings that really have nothing to do with the here and now but that somehow got stuck in me when I was younger. I need to work on getting them out of there.

My best advice is to try really hard to focus on your beautiful child that is on his/her way here and how you will do better by your child. You will love that child and be sure that child feels worthy and isn't treated rudely/shortly/or cruelly the way you were. You will do this Sleepy because you know what it feels like to be treated so meanly and how it hurts so deeply.

Yes, this is something that I'm determined to do, and actually something I feel confident of doing!      If there is one thing I know I will never lack empathy (like so many children of N's I am overly empathical, but thought that this was what empathy was until recently), and I will always have love for my child/children. Plus I'm getting "Compassionate Parenting" just to be on the safe side.

Bunny:

I thought you had your baby, and that's why you were gone!

I wish! I'm a very curious person and I can't wait to meet this new person, alas, I have to wait another five months or so...  

You're brave to admit your fears.

Thank you, but it is the people on this board that has inspired this bravery. I have never seen so many courageous and honest people in one place before!     It feels sooo good to finally daring to say what you feel and to get these wonderful responses!  And you admitted your fears now! Wow!  And I definitely agree with Muddy in that you are interesting and stimulating and please don't go away! You help so many people here (and I know I can speak for others in this case).

Mudpuppy: Thank you so much!

The only thing you did wrong was go away.  Don't do that again and you'll be fine.  

Yes, I keep avoiding problems, but that doesn't make them go away. Like trolls, you need to drag them out into the light to kill them.

This is everyone's board, including yours.

I will try to remember this, but it's very hard. It all comes down to feeling I don't have a right to my voice I guess...  I guees it's extra hard on the internet, since you can't see people's expressions and get that extra feedback.

(((((((((((EVERYONE)))))))))))

Thanks for being there when I needed you!

[Anonymous]

Ooops, guess I took so long to write my reply that I got logged out! Anyway I think you could guess that it was me, Sleepyhead, who wrote that last post. But in case you have preganacy hormones that make you a bit stupid like me, I thought I better clarify anyway.  

[October]

You're brave to admit your fears. I have similar ones: that I am (a) boring; (b) not providing enough stimulation; (d) people wish I would just go away. I've discussed these fears in therapy many times. They haven't gotten better. I guess these feelings originate with sensing that mom found me disappointing and not the baby she wanted.

While we are admitting insecurities,    I always think that I come along and say in effect 'Enough about you, let's talk about me now'.  And then I talk about me forever, until several pages later I remember it was about someone else to start with, and so I say something about them again and then I go away and feel stupid for telling such stupid things, that nobody really wants to hear about.  And which I should have forgotten years ago.      

[October]

I wish! I'm a very curious person and I can't wait to meet this new person, alas, I have to wait another five months or so...  

I remember this part as being very strange.  It was such an intimate, lovely experience, to carry a child.  But at the same time the child was a complete stranger to me until she was born and I saw her for the first time.  Then the first day we spent ages just looking into one another's eyes, and understanding one another, and falling in love.  

Enjoy every moment, SH.  Especially if you are over the sickness part.  That bit is not so easy to enjoy!!!

As I remember, the first feelings of the baby are like flutterings inside; very gentle and soft.  I am sure they will be there by now, but it takes a while to recognise what they are.  (((((((hugs))))))

[Brigid]

Hi Sleepy,

I guees it's extra hard on the internet, since you can't see people's expressions and get that extra feedback.

I feel sort of the opposite about this.  I think I'm more able to say how I really feel about something or talk about the dark places in my soul when I don't have someone's expression to read.  The anonymity creates a safer environment for me, I guess.

Bunny,
I always look for your replys to things because you have such wisdom and insight and great knowledge on all things psychological.  You have been helpful to me in so many ways.

Sleepy,
You have great insight as well and always show support to others.  I also love hearing about the baby.  

October,
You are just such a gentle, loving soul who I wish I could scoop up and hug until the pain went away.

Muddy,
You are just terrific and always willing to give us the male perspective on things.  It helps to have that side presented and always with a laugh besides.

I think we all feel inadequate, stupid, insignificant, irrelevant and maybe invisible at times.  That's what brings us together here for a group hug.  I could really use one today.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

bunny wrote:

You're brave to admit your fears. I have similar ones: that I am (a) boring; (b) not providing enough stimulation; (d) people wish I would just go away. I've discussed these fears in therapy many times. They haven't gotten better. I guess these feelings originate with sensing that mom found me disappointing and not the baby she wanted.

((((bunny)))) None of the above.

God bless.
Mia