Great List of Narcissistic behavior

[Jaded911]

Hi everyone,

I copied this list from another site and I felt it spoke volumes about a N behvior.  I know that some of the information that I have read can be confusing because it is in Psychiatric terms, this just struck me because it is in simple humanistic terms.  I just wanted to share it with everyone.


1. Emotional immaturity. Behavior is not age appropriate.

2. Self-centeredness. He comes first and foremost. Is insincere about real interest in other people.

3. Little if any remorse for mistakes.

4. Poor judgment.

5. Unreliability, undependability, irresponsibility.

6. Inability to profit from experience - does not learn a lesson from making mistakes.

7. Inability to postpose immediate gratification - what he wants, he wants now. Impulsive and demanding.

8. Conflict with, or defiance of, authority.

9. Lack of appreciation for the consequences of his actions.

10. Tendency to project his own shortcomings on to the world about him - frequent blaming. Never at fault.

11. Little if any conscience.

12. Behavior develops little sense of direction - often uninfluenced by concepts of right and wrong.

13. Gives lip service to professed values and beliefs.

14. Often involved with illegal or unethical acts.

15. Shallow interpersonal skills - inability to experience and verbalize deep feelings and emotions.   Often insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Cannot identify with how others feel.

16. Ability to put up a good ‘front' to impress and exploit others.

17. Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior.

18. Can ‘con' to get what he wants to meet his needs, often at the expense of others. The  behavior is highly repetitious and many people are used.

19. Sees others as pawns on the chess board. Maneuvers people around for his own purposes. When done with them,  they are ‘checkmated' or rejected.

20. Ready rationalization - rarely at a loss for words - twists conversation to divorce himself from responsibility. When he  is trapped, he just keeps talking or changes the subject, or gets angry.

21. Incapable of maintaining genuine loyalities to any person, group, or code.

22. Chronic lying.

23. Does/did poorly in school with attendance, grades, attitudes, and relationships with teachers. Was in conflict with  parents over school performance.

24. ‘ Chip on shoulder' attitude - cocky and arrogant.

25. Rebellious to parents authority. Violates standards of the home frequently.

26. Cancels commitments without sound reason or warning.

27. Uses friends for money, transportation, favors, time, attention, etc.

28. A taker - not a giver. Gives for show but expects something in return.

29. Glimpses of integrity and emotion are seen - but short lived. Gives you hope he's changing, but returns soon to deviant  behavior.

30. Lives life of avoiding responsibility vs. Getting the job done.

31. Poor self-motivation - often described as lazy and listless. Lacks ambition. Not helpful with  routine chores.

32. Fun is the cornerstone of his life.

33. Sexually curious or active. Places great importance on his sexual abilities. Female sexual   partner often feels used and demanded of.

34. Lacks well-defined values.

35. Comes across initially as caring and understanding and reads others ‘like a book' because he   makes his business   knowing how to maneuver people.

36. In a trust relationship, inevitably betrays and violates the commitments and gets blocked emotionally when gets too     close to those he says he loves.

37. Angry mood most of the time.

38. Uses sex to control, cover his insecurity or make up after a fight.

39. Has no concept of open sharing of ideas, feelings, emotions.Conversation goes per his direction. He has the last word always. He determines how, when,where we talk, and about what he wants to talk about.

40. Can show real tenderness of feeling, then return to customary behaviors. Two (or more) vastly different sides to his personality are seen.

41. Poor planner with time and activity.

42. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

43. Excessively concerned with personal appearance, eg, hair, weight, care he drives, clothes,   having money to flash, career dreaming.

44. Seems to enjoy disturbing others. Likes to agitate and disrupt for no apparent reason.

45. Feels entitled to the ‘good life' without working for it.

46. He never seems to get enough of what he wants. He leaves others drained and confused.

47. Others get upset when in his presence. There's a feeling of guardedness, caution, and suspicion that he creates in others.

48. Moody - switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

49. Poor work history - quitting, being fired, interpersonal conflicts.

50. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations. Does not pay the bills in a responsible and timely way.

51. Unable to sustain a totally faithful relationship with loved one of the opposite sex. Flirtatous, overly friendly. Make inappropriate sexual comments to/about other women.

52. Seldom expresses appreciation. Again, is thinking of his needs vs.needs of others.

53. Grandiose. Convinced that he knows more than other people and is correct and right in almost all he says and does.

54. Clueless as to how he comes across to others and to how he is viewed.Gets defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault. May be apologetic and seem sincere but soon repeats offensive behavior without appearing to have learned from it.

55. Motive for behavior is usually self-serving and he does not recognize it.

56. Can get very emotional, even tearful, but behavior is more about show or frustration rather than contrition or sorrow.

57. He breaks woman's spirits to keep them dependent.

58. Survives on threats, intimidations to keep others chained to him.

59. Sabotages anything that makes his spouse/girlfriend happy. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few/no outside interests/friends/family.

60. Highly contradictory. He loves me, he hates me. He threatens me with poverty, then indulges me or our relationship.

61. He is always working somebody over - either subtly or aggressively for a favor, deal, break, freebie, discount, etc.

62. Double standard. He is free to do his thing, but expects others to be what he wants them  To be/do. He doesn't let others be themselves.

63. Convincing. Successful at getting other people to believe in his perception of a problem. Is adamant that people side with him vs. Allow them to feel/believe differently.

64. Hides who he really is from everyone. No one really knows the real him.

65. Scorns everyone/everything that he disagrees with. Does not allow for differences to be respected. Scorns the responsible world.

66. Difficult to pin him down to a certain level of integrity that you can live with. Resists all efforts to define his values, behaviors, standards.

67. Kind to you usually only if he's getting from you what he wants.

68. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.

69. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.

70. He does not discuss openly before hand. You get to deal with "after the fact" information.

71. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself and others.

72. You end up feeling responsible for the problem. He gets to your feelings. No matter what, he wins, you lose.

73. He wins at the expense of your feelings. Thinks only of the end result without considering your feelings, needs in the process.

74. Attitude of "I"ll meet your needs if you meet mine. If you don't, I'll find someone else who will or I will not meets yours".

75. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"

76. Does not take responsibility for his behavior.

77. The hurt he describes is because he got caught or he's mad that you're mad, and not because he believes he made a mistake.

78. Secret life. You're often wondering what he does or who he is that you don't know about.

79. Always feels misunderstood.

80. Most of the time you feel miserable living with this person. When it's good you relish the peace but that is usually short lived. He is so skilled at making a mountain out of a molehill   and you become so tired of the conflict. It drains all of your energy, love, and hope.

81. Is usually through listening once he's made his arguments.

82. We talk about his feelings, not mine.

83. Unchallenged by people because they seem to be put off by him, afraid of him or he eludes them.

84. Is not interested in problem-solving openly.

85. Seems very interested in discerning personalities, so that he can strategize how to manipulate them

[clara]

Lists like this are really helpful for people to figure what exactly bothers them about people they find difficult to like.  But  I am not sure  of its value in identifying narcissism.  Really this list looks like it also has traits of psychopathy (antisocial disorder) thrown in, as well as borderline personality and lots of others.  

Narcissism is actually much more specific than what this list includes.  A true NPD feels they are special, self-important, better than others, appears arrogant, requires excessive admiration, and lacks empathy.  The lack of remorse is not really part of the true NPD.  In fact, they feel lots of remorse and shame, but they cover it up with all kinds of defence mechanisms that make them particulalry unpleasant to live with (they blame others, twist things around, never own up to their faults). A psychopath (someone who truly feels no remorse) spends little psychic energy covering up feelings of shame and guilt because they lack the capacity for feeling gshame and guilt in the first place.

Not to say that the non-N traits on the list are any less problematic than those of the NDP.  It's just that those of us who live with (or have lived with) a true NPD have been dealing with our own particular form of hell.

[I_am_mine]

Clara, I agree - I think it's a great list, but it doesn't seem particularly specific to narcissism.  

As I was reading it, tho - it got scarier and scarier, because I recognize almost every single trait in my Ndad...had never actually sat down and listed his less-than-positive traits, but to realize that one person can have that many negative thought processes and behaviors...well, I can tell you, it sure made me stop and think!

bobbie

[Anonymous]

It probably describes alot of psychological disorder behaviors of thoughts of those people.  I by no means meant it was just for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  That is the reason I am searching for my voice, dealing with a N that is.  

It just described their actions in a manner that clicked with me.  Just thought I would share it.  I can not speak about how this relates to other mental disorders because I have no experience other then with my education.  Reading something out of a book and living through what is written in the book gives a person an entire different look on the subject.

Almost everyone of the things listed on that list my N demonstrated.  There are different degrees on which people are considered Narcissistic.  At one end of the spectrum they demonstrate minor characteristics and at the other end of it you have the worst of them.  Psychotic might be on those who are extreme N, but then again it might be for ones who only demonstrate a mild version of the traits mentioned.  Interesting question, are the ones who demonstrate mild traits considered psychotic?  The behavior of N is truly bizarre and I can see why people have long lasting affects of the damage they inflict.  I know I have had to struggle my way back to reality.  

Like I said, this list just hit close for me and thought maybe someone else might enjoy it.  Besides that, LOL, I did not claim to be the author of it, I copied it from another site.

[Jaded911]

Clara,

I got to thinking about what you said about a lack of remorse with N people.  I reallly believe that if a person has remorse for something that they have done, they make dang sure to right their wrongs.  They work very hard to not do that again to assure they dont have to mend damage done by their actions.  I can only speak for myself and my situation.  Thinking back I heard alot of "I am sorry honey, I will never do that again", just to have something worse done a short time later.  

When I feel remorse for something I have done.  I make sure I learn from the experience and I try very hard to correct my actions to ensure I not repeat.  If my xN knew he hurt me or did something I perceived to be wrong, he used that one over and over again.  He did learn from the experience, he learned that it hurt me and that proved to him that he hit a bullseye.  

If I had to rate my xN on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being on the extreme end of Nism, he was about a 9 1/2.  Perhaps thats why this list described him so well for me.  To agree with you about it also describing anti-social, that he was so correct you are.  Anti social behavior is also present with people who are not N.  It is all so mind boggling isnt it?

[Acappella]

Thanks Jaded,  

I like the list.  How to detect specific behaviors that indicate those characteristics is something I am really working on, at least some key ones.  

Healthy relationships or unhealthy, titles are just guidelines anyway.  Ultimately, there are as many different manifestations of a given "disorder" as there are individuals.  Your 1-10 scale is an indication of that.  It is sooo customizable.  

There is an article I posted here that elaborates on apologies, levels of effectiveness of types of apologies (effective meaning truly connected, heart felt apologies that are felt also by the person being apologized to).  It is posted under "Steath Radar, Is that Nism I just experienced?"  

When I get some time I'll come back here and post specific hints about these characteristics, hints that I missed or ignored when I met people with what turned out to be a damaging level of one of those qualitites.  Also maybe something about what I am learning is a good alternative.  The later may sound weird but I am learning that the fact that I didn't recognize those characteristics sooner is a symptom of my needing to learn what a healthier relationship looks like and FEEELS like.  Like you were getting at...if X trait is no good then what is the good alternative to look for?  What is a reasonable expectation, etc.  

ECHO

[Acappella]

I'd really like to hear about signs that anyone else here now realizes they missed....signs that indicated a one or many of the tendencies on the list.
And alternatives or whatever, such as what was an example of a flag that indicated someone didn't have that strong tendency.

For example, I have begun to feel that anytime (most of the time) a sentence is prefaced with "in my opinion" it means somebody is worried about being too outspoken.  I mean isn't it obvious it is someone's opinion?  Unless there is some underlying fear or assumption of grandiosity, why say it?  I am paying attention to when I have the urge to say or write, "in my opinion" and trying to just say what I say.  I feel better when I do so and I feel I am learning about myself when I notice under what situations I raise the "in my opinion" flag.  It isn't exactly an example from the list (well I didn't read the whole thing yet, but will) but I feel it is relevant....relevant to insecurity and fear and is a flag that tells me about my own attitude as well as perhaps about what is going on for someone else too possibly.


Echo

[Jaded911]

Amen Echo,

In my opinion either signals 1.) the person thinks they are talking to someone who takes offense easily 2.) they do not feel their opinion is worth much so they state it right up front.

I look at that list now and he demonstrated every one of them.  A few he was pretty weak at showing, but most he did with out a drop of sweat on his brow.

I also looked back at our emails and thought about our fights.  I described a N to a T to him when I told him how he acted.  I just did not know it had a name to it, well I knew it had some name to in, but I didnt have a clue.  Now I find myself thinking how different it is to read something and to live it.  Living it you get a whole better understanding, how many of us wish we couldnt say that?  My hand it up on that one.

[clara]

Jaded, I like your point about remorse.  The term certainly does imply that there is sorrow, or regret, and that the person experiencing it will make a sincere effort to make amends.  As you point out, this is clearly not the case with an N.  The only attempts they make at righting a wrong  are at the expense of others and the gain of their own flailing ego.  

What if my definition replaced the word remorse with the word shame?  It is common to read about Ns suffering an inner shame and self-loathing.  From this shame comes their offensive  behaviors -- like putting others down and bragging about themselves.

How about this:

We all make mistakes with others.  For a healthy individual we feel guilt, shame and (depending on how much the mistake hurt another) remorse.  From those feelings we make amends and apologies that are sincere.

A psychopath just doesn't get it at all when he or she makes mistakes to hurt others.  In other words, not much in the psychopath to keep them up at night worrying if they "hurt someone's feelings."

Ah, but the Ns are (once again) in a class by themselves.  They feel the shame (not remorse) of their social blunders because deep down it reinforces their inner fear that they are inferior and worthy of rejection.  How do they deal with this shame and fear of rejection?  They set out to prove to others and themselves that in fact they did nothing wrong.  They twist the story around. They counter-blame.  Their best defence is a good offence.  Like my N husband bragged in marital therapy once, "Yah, I fight to win. You bet I do."  The problem is that in attempting to repair their feelings of failure they just dig themselves deaper because their attempts at repair are so offensive that people really do start loathing and rejecting them -- just as they fear.

Someone here asked me how I stood being married to a N for 21 years (good question).  The answer relates to what someone else already pointed out in this thread:  Those of us who grew up with it and surround ourselves with it just don't know any better. That's why I totally agree with a point made earlier that boards like this should indeed also discuss positive behaviors, as they contrast with the negative N behaviors.

If I can help anyone in fast tracking them through their relationship with an N, then I guess there is another "good" coming out of my relationship with an N (aside from my three great kids!!)

[Lizbeth]

This is the best list I have seen.  I sent it to my youger son last evening and we spent the rest of the night writing back and forth about how sad it is that 90-95% of these items fit his older brother, my 27 year old NPD son.  

Lizbeth (lurker)

[Jaded911]

Liz,

This list just hit so close to home with me.  It was given in a way that an average joe could understand.  Sometimes I get bogged down with all of the technical talk, I have so many questions that I can't find answers to.  I have questions about what N truly have doing through their heads, do they ever have moments they think this or that.  I also wonder if they do the things mentioned in the list consciencely or Subconsciously or consciously.  I wanna know if they are as miserable in the inside as they make everyone feel on the outside.

You mentioned your son is a N.  Is he in the company of others in your family?  I am very curious about why or the how you feel he is.  Your other son seems to without N traits.  Did I understand that right, lol, I had to go back and make sure before I asked this.  Do you wonder how one son is N and the other one dodged the bullet?  

I would love to sit down with one and have them be as open as a book, but then again I would not believe a damn word they had to say.  

I give you credit for seeking answers about your son.  To bad my N parents could not have done the same.  He is raising the next generation, I only hope she dodges that bullet just like your son did.  Gosh I so hope I gave her enough strength to have the will to survive.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jaded:

I have a long complicated story.  I was "raised" by a schizophrenic mother and head-in-the-sand father.  Needless to say, I was affected by this.  I ended up marrying two men, the first who I realize was definitely an N (the father of my oldest son), the second had lots of N traits but the worst part of him is that he ended up going completely mental on me and I had to throw him out for the sake of my children.  He was the father of son #2.  Son #1 and son #2 were raised by for a large part of their childhood by me and my third husband, thankfully not a N in any sense.

My oldest has so many of his father's traits and behavior characteristics (even the same evil laugh) without having spent enough time with him to be that similar that i know a large part of this horrible disorder is genetic.  My second son has had problems but he is a kind and loving son and is growing up at age 24, finally, while his brother never will.

I haven't heard from my oldest son since May 2, the day his uncle died and we discussed his flying in for the funeral.  He never showed up and has never called any of us since then.  This is not the first time he has disappeared and it sent me on the hunt to understand just what the hell is wrong with him.  I have been researching for the past 6 months and know what I have discovered explains his behavior and his father's as well.

I have been worried about how to handle it when he comes back into our lives again, and have wanted to warn my younger son about being used.  We have been discussing this for the past few months but the list was just so good I had to send it to son #2 and he was just dismayed because it cemented in his head as well that his brother is an N.  

My husband's mother is also an N (100%), but I'd say even more of a P. She is just plain evil.  He shut her out of our lives 5 years ago because of her behavior and the information I have discovered makes him feel even more certain that he did the right thing.  

I have to say it is the most horrible thing to know you have given birth to a child who will spend his entire life using and abusing others.  Makes me want to throw up.  

Will post my full story some time when I have the patience and resolve to write it all down.

Thanks for writing.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, that last message was from me.  I forgot to log in.  Too used to lurking.  

Jaded, your list gave me the courage to post my very first post, thank you.

Lizbeth

[Jaded911]

Liz,

No thank you.  I respect you so much for having the courage to speak out about your son.  My xN parents did not have the courage that you do.  But then again he got it honestly from them.

Like you Liz I sought out answers to so many things.  I did not even begin to know where to start.  Every thing I would find made no sense to me.  Well I actually do not think anything made sense to me.  

You should not feel guilty Liz about your son.  You should feel nothing for your son but pity.  Living a life without love is a life worth not living.  I have to think of things in strange ways at times when I fully do not understand something.  I guess I think of N adults as children who never have a favorite toy.  Do you know what I mean?  You have a favorite toy when you are a child and you play and play and play with it.  Even as an adult you remember that toy.  It meant alot to you and by gosh your room might have been a pit but your favorite toy was always safely put out of reach so it wouldnt get hurt or damaged.  These people do not remember what it feels like to have a fav. toy.  They played with one, broke it, got another one, broke it and never did they miss any of those toys.  They meant nothing to them, they were just objects to occupy their time.  That hurts Liz to be on the receiving end of that.  But if I had to make my guess, I would think that N people are the ones who lose out.

I feel for you and the helplessness you must feel.  But I am impressed by your desire to seek answers.  I just do not understand all of the dynamics of N and with this list it explained alot that I had been questioning about his behavior.  

Liz, you are more then welcome to tell me that I am a nosey rosey and need to learn not to ask so many ?'s, but I am so curious about this.  
How did your son act when he was younger?  Could he show love, remorse, and could he accept responsibility for his actions?  
I had a good emotional foundation before this happened.  I knew myself, I knew what my goals were and I knew myself very well and wasnt ashamed of who I was.  I now question every time I am ready to talk, I question when someone compliments me on my looks or personality, I question if he cant love me how can anyone else.  After all that is what he told me.  I have lost touch with myself in some ways but I will become a stronger person because of it, soon I hope.  

Your son exited on his own terms too huh?  Not a word to explain anything or not a thought about your thoughts on why he no showed.  I do not know how N can feel that everyone is to blame for their thoughts or actions.  

I have never read a success story about a N successfully changing either.  I would love to know things on that but from what I have seen with my N it would take a miracle and a hell of alot of time to put a dent into it.  

I am sorry Liz for your predicament but I applaud you for seeking out answers.  Accepting this behavior only encourages their behavior.  It hurts hun but that is a fire that neither you or I am equipped to tackle.  Atleast it helps answer alot of our questions.  

Keep your chin up and bless you for your efforts.  He might not appreciate them but surely somebody will benefit from it besides you.  If not you deserve the answers to your questions.

[Lizbeth]

Hi Jaded.

My oldest son was a very happy, very easy baby.  Slept most of the time, ate like a pig (he was over 9 lbs when he was born by C-Section.)  Both of my sons were not raised in the most stable of households as I have been married 3 times.  I did not receive any child support from father #2 and very little from father #1.  My life saver was hubby #3 who was a friend who moved in to my house to help me survive and raise the boys.  He worked nights, I worked days, and he went to college  as well (he is now a CPA who works for Uncle Sam and we have our own business as well).

I worked long hours to keep a roof over our heads.  I managed to keep them in the same house in the same town so they could have roots and also go to good schools.  The house was falling apart but it was warm and as clean as I could keep it.  They had food and medical care and clothes and went to very good schools.  They both had sports and I managed to guide them both into college, though neither graduated.

Son #1 was very good looking (like his father) and his teachers let him get away with murder though I begged them not to.  He did not do the chores I had for him at home and made his brother do them instead (did not find out about this until years later).  Constantly disobeyed any rules I set out for him and did dangerous things I did not find out again, until years later.  Through football and constant supervision (when not at work), I managed to get him through high school and into college without getting into trouble.  He was not allowed at unsupervised parties, etc.  

He had a very wealthy girlfriend while he was in high school and imagined having all the things the  better off families had without having to do the work, typical N stuff.  Funny thing is, his father is very industrious, just very cheap.

I had moved out of state when I married husband #2 and stayed there after my second divorce.  Son #1 did get to visit his father and his father's family but did not spend any length of time with him until the age of 14 when he moved in with his father for a year.  That came about because of a final confrontation with son#1 about his grades and me stupidly asking his father for help (backing me up).  This resulted in me being forced to take son #1 to therapy.  The therapist ended up sayig that son #1 was fairly normal but my ex was in her words, "a jackass."  So, to do the right thing, I let him go live with his father.   That year is when we all discovered what a liar he was.  

More about this tomorrow as well in "my story" so I don't end up repeating myself.   Have to get to bed so I can get up for work too!

Don't mind your asking questions, it helps me to lay this all out.

Lizbeth