October, i thank you with all my heart, you must be experiencing bad things also, to know and understand exactly how i feel, i feel for your pain to 
And thanks for defending me, i am not a selfish person, quite the opposite i am just having difficulty coping with all these bad feelings in my head and in my heart.
Denise, you are not selfish at all. You are a very loving person, and you are winning. It may not feel like it, but every single day that you carry on, however painful, you are winning a very important battle.
I had a friend who died from cancer last year, leaving a 21 year old daughter. Her family are allowed to remember her with respect and love, with no blame attached to her for dying, due to her illness. I would ask for the same respect for anyone who died from suicide. Another friend of mine lost a sister some years ago, and my friend still feels great anger towards her sister, which is a great shame. Understandable, because she feels abandoned, but nonetheless a shame.
Having said that, however, there is a big difference between wanting to take your life and actually doing it, as GFN says. I can understand and embrace you wanting to do it, and tell you that you are not alone, and that these feelings may feel powerful but they cannot hurt you unless you let them. However scarey it gets, you can survive it all. I know that you are strong, because no matter how much pain you are in, you can still recognise the goodness and love in other people. That, to me, shows that the love within you will protect you through the valley of the shadow. It is a gift, and it will help to keep you safe.
What you need are what is called 'protecting factors'. Your two most important are your children. After that, good friends, who can give you the gift of their time. One good friend is worth a thousand casual acquaintances, imo. After that, tactics. Ways of dealing with the ideation, and living through it.
If things get really bad, then delaying is a good tactic. Rather than fight the impulses, deflect them away from you. This reduces the desire, and allows you to do other things. Decide, ok, I'll do it. But first, I
must tidy the house. All of it. (!!) And put my affairs in order. And make sure the children are safe, and not anywhere nearby. You can even set a date, if you like, as long as it is
never, ever today. Next week. Next month. Make it as far away as you can, to give yourself time to find another reason to delay. And when that day comes, make sure that the house is tidy ... You get the idea?? This may sound like a cop out to other people, but if it works to keep you safe for another day, and another and another, and then suddenly a year has gone by, then why not??
I would advise not dwelling on how, though. That is not a good path to go down. Put off doing that as much as you possibly can, and in the meantime, get rid of anything dangerous in the house. You know what there is that could be dangerous. Put it in the bin, or take it to the chemist. When you are strong, look after yourself for the times when you are less strong. Make it as difficult as you can.
Make rules. Never with the children around. Never leaving a mess for anyone else to clean up. Never where anyone other than yourself can be hurt as well. All of these can help to protect you. If you have enough rules, you will reduce the chances of anything bad happening. One excellent rule that I have is that I must not die alone. I deserve to have someone with me when I pass into eternity. Pretty tricky to achieve a plan for S with a benevolent bystander to hold my hand.
Take care, and I hope the weekend is not being too difficult for you.
Where abouts in the UK are you? I am in Bedfordshire.
