((((((((Denise)))))))
I'm sooo glad to see you posting here and to hear that you have been reading. Like Stormy, I want to thank you for caring about the other people's pain here too. You are a kind soul to be thinking of others when you are feeling so low down sad.
Today i feel sad and desperately lonely, i hate this world and i hate the person i have become, i can see no future, i have no hopes, am lost
What really is amazing about days where I am feeling really sad and down on myself...is that it does seem so overwhelming. I keep thinking things like...."everything is rotten, things will never change, I can't take much more of this, etc...". Plus....plenty of negative thoughts about myself drift in and out of my mind. The more I allow myself to keep thinkig this way, the sadder and more depressed I feel.
Why can't we just be sad..get the feelings out.. and forget all the crappy thinking?
I have no idea.
But...I do know that when I finally say to myself: "Ok, that's enough. You've cried enough for one day, do something else. No more thinking like this for now".....and stuff like that......I begin the journey out of despair and back to living life.
Another thing that has helped me when I was feeling lousy about myself was to make lists. Lists of what I would like to change about me. Lists of the stuff that is changable. Lists of ways to work on change. Lists of things I would like to do in my life. Lists of doable things. Lists of how to go about doing some things. I admit.....I do make a lot of lists. Sometimes it helps to try to organize my thoughts on paper. The lists don't solve problems/make any improvements but they help to clarify precisely what I can and cannot work on improving in my life, in my world, in the world. The rest.....I just have to accept.
So Denise, who ya gonna call??? (Ghostbusters...da da da da...ba ba ba ba)--
just being goofy Denise---
.
What do you think Denise? Have you ever made lists or tried to sort out exactly what, in your life, can and cannot be changed?
For instance: It's so hard when one feels lonely to think that there is any way to change that but...if we really think about it....there are lot's of ways. In your case....maybe you could call one of your kids to see what's going on in their life? Maybe you need a pet? Maybe it would help to volunteer some place and be around others, less fortunate, and others who are working to do something nice for them? Maybe you could join a group of some type....possibly meet a few new friends? Or take a course in something that interests you? Or start a group of your own on something you like, or just to share with others? Maybe helping out at a school or a church in your area might help? Or an animal shelter?
The thing is.....you aren't going to get any less lonely (and neither are any of the rest of us) by staying home alone, right? What do you think?
You might be pleasantly surprised how much better you feel....just by starting something new, especially.....something you enjoy. I know this does not erase your pain, or make up for your losses, which you must still grieve, but it would give you a break, inbetween, and something to look forward to. You will begin to feel better about yourself and your life, I bet!
I was sorry to hear that you can't afford to pay for therapy. That's a tough one Denise. But....not impossible, I think. Maybe you can call a woman's shelter, in your area, and see if there might be some one there to help. They often have low cost, or free councellors, willing to speak with you. Or possibly...the distress centre will know about what's available? Or maybe there is a pastor/reverand/priest/rabbi....you would ask for help? The mental health services, through hospitals...will often have support groups. There has to be a place where you can find some one to talk with about your feelings/troubles, Denise. You just have to find it.
These two issues......finding something meaningful to add to your life and some one to speak with in counselling/therapy.....might be just the two things that could start to give you hope about your life, and the world.
My advice is....don't allow yourself to think/say to yourself......I hate myself, my life, the world etc. Tell yourself to stop thinking those things. Instead......try to pin point exactly what you would like to change...figger out which stuff can be changed (and which stuff can't), and decide on things you can do to work on those changes that are possible. The rest, you will have to accept because if it can't be changed.....there is nothing else to do.
The old serenity prayer has much wisdom in it, imo.
Keeping you in my prayers, Denise.
GFN
