That empty feeling again

[astrofemme]

I'm pondering what I can do to get rid of the empty feeling.  Is there any one thing that really started the ball rolling for anyone?  The thought of therapy actually depresses me.  It gives me flashbacks and bad feelings because I went to therapy with the N for awhile before it was all over and just the thought of it makes me shudder.

I'm thinking maybe volunteer work could do it.  I think I need to do something to shake myself up.  Somedays it seems like it'd be too easy to just slide into oblivion.

The worst thing about the narcissist for me was how easy it was for him to make me feel like I was of no consequence, like I was a nonentity.  He could do it without effort.  He was a master at that.  It was actually better during the times he would rage.  At least I was worth a rage.  Does this make sense?

Goodness.  I just realized that in the short run he seemed much better than my Nmother but in the long run, he was probably worse--more damaging.  When she was a raving lunatic, I could see that she was...well a lunatic.  I knew something was wrong with her.  He was more subdued and sneakier and everybody loved him.  He was harder on my self esteem because he gave me self doubt and I was treated like I wasn't even there a lot.  When you get raged at, you're there.   I never really thought about this before.

[d'smom]

I'm pondering what I can do to get rid of the empty feeling. Is there any one thing that really started the ball rolling for anyone?

 

volunteering somewhere was definitely the first thing that came to my mind. i volunteer every week, and i  always feel better afterwards.  

i help at my daughters old preschool... the teacher there is very overworked, she works 12 hour days, she does everything herself, she is in her 60's, and i go by friday afternoons to do dishes, clean up, vacuum, and help with the kids in different ways. i dont kill myself or get stressed, just put a little extra energy toward taking some things off her hands. when i can do those dishes or take some menial task off her hands and she is able to do something extra fun with the kids, that feels really good.

recently i helped her catch up on 4 years of back taxes! that was a very big job and i felt very proud when we finished it. it let me prove to myself i can stick with a long, difficult job and complete it, which the n's in my life would never ever let me believe. but i did it, so screw them.

one thing i learned from the classes i took to work with the kids, is that children learn 'mastery' by attempting and completing tasks. you try something, you do it, your confidence increases. thats how people learn.  many of us were denied that as children, we dont feel 'mastery' in our lives, but you can still cultivate it by attempting things, completing them, and your confidence will increase, even as an adult.

also my particular 'issue' is that my daughter was taken away..(-by- the n's in my life) and i was accused of being a 'bad mother' which isnt true but its still very painful and VERY empty....... so i can show myself every week in a real way that im perfectly competent with children, that the kids love me, that the teacher trusts me, and im very competent and normal and capable.  so its healing on lots of levels. its nice to find something to do that addresses the issue that you have, whatever it is.

i think your right about the sneaky n's being worse.. -much- worse.

i also like taking care of my animals. i rescue animals that are injured and i like doing that. (just small animals, nothing excessive) i also do political and advocacy work for abused women.... women call me and talk to me about how things are awful for them, and i can be helpful to them instead of feeling like crap. so being involved in all that stuff is very healing for me in terms of addressing the 'emptiness' thing. i dont stress over any of that though - i only do it to the extent my health allows. if it stresses me at all, i cut back.

those are some feelings from me about it.
take care,
Anna

[chutzbagirl]

I'm sorry you are feeling so empty.  Depression and grief are hard to navigate.  

The good news is you survived and are currently N free - am I correct?  Therefore, you have a wonderful opportunity to heal and move on to a fulfilling life.  I have found the pain and emptiness during the healing process to be overwhelming at times.  But, I know I'm worth it.  I want to give to those I love - I can't give what I don't have.  So, I am in therapy and Al Anon.  I am grateful for all the resources and knowledge available to us.  

I wish you the very best and hope you will take good care of yourself.  The feelings are tough, but they won't hurt you; they just let you know how much you've been hurt in the past.  The truth sets us free - but first it can really tick us off!  

Best wishes,

Chutzbagirl

[Brigid]

astrofemme,
I have to strongly agree about the sneaky vs. outwardly abusive N.  My N father and first N husband (I definitely married my father that time) were easily identified controlling a$$holes.  When I married my second H I thought I had married the opposite of my father and first H.  But after 22 years I found out that he was worse than the other two combined, but he just hid it behind a mask of charm.  There is no preparation for finding out that you were living a lie and nothing was as it seemed.

I appreciate your discomfort with going into therapy, but I cannot emphasize enough how much you could ultimately gain from it (if you have a good one).  As much as all the activities like volunteering, being creative, being involved with your children, becoming more involved with your church, or whatever, can have a healing affect and make you feel more peaceful, it will not provide the lifelong healing and awareness that good therapy can IMO.  I am learning that it is hard work, very sad, and one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, but I believe necessary to get to the root of my deeply buried pain.

That feeling of emptiness is pretty common to anyone who's endured the kind of loss that you have.  It is a grieving process that you must see through from start to finish.  Give yourself time to go through the steps (advice I could well benefit from myself) and know that it does get better with the passage of time.  There are always bumps in the road and you  occasionally drop into the potholes that you thought were repaired for good.  But the road becomes smoother and smoother as you go and the goal is to not get stuck in the pothole and continue to spin your wheels, but power up and get back to the smooth road once again.

I'll keep you in my prayers that the days will get brighter.

((((((((astrofemme))))))))

Brigid

[bunny as guest]

Hi astrofemme,

The thought of therapy depresses most people. It's not difficult to find reasons to put it off. But it can help a great deal to have a supportive therapist. Especially to get gentle, kind reality checks about one's true worth and value. It helps to diminish the N's brainwashing.

It's not uncommon for someone to feel valued when their partner abuses them; look at the powerful feelings the abuser expresses. Obviously they must care a great deal or they wouldn't get so enraged. They might even be extremely dependent to be so controlling!

My suggestion for what it's worth is to have a schedule of things to do in the evening, even if it's laundry, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, watching TV shows. It helps to have a structure. The empty feeling is partially about old habits that are gone. So if you start some new habits it will help imo.

bunny

[astrofemme]

I just don't know what the heck is the matter with me.  Maybe it is something physical.

Anna, I am so sorry for you in your situation with your daughter.  Sometimes I feel ashamed for feeling so rotten when others have endured so much worse.

Chutzpahgirl, I am N-free, well, ex-husband N free.  I still have the N mother who is a drain.  

Brigid, the thought of marrying a 2nd N husband scares the heck out of me.  I thought when I married mine he was the opposite of my mother and father as well.  He was simply stealthy.  I do feel very much that I was living a lie for 30 years.  30 years.  It seems incredible.  I'm not sure I know who I am or what I enjoy anymore.

Bunny, you're suggestion about a schedule makes a lot of sense to me.  I think I need to implement one.  

I just need to force myself to take action, kick myself in the butt and get it in gear again.  I'm hoping the summer will get me jumpstarted.  Thanks for your kind responses.

[Stormy]

Astrofemme, I just wanted to say thanks. With all you are feeling, and dealing with, you took time to post messages of care and support to me regarding my kittycat. She is grateful, and so am I. Very much.

hugs and purrs

Stormy and Sophie [and Sandy, who wants to be in on everything]

[longtire]

astrofemme,
I agree that the covert N's can be more damaging, both because it is harder for you to spot, as harder to get support from others.  I strongly agree with others that therapy for YOU is a good thing.  Definitely see someone different than you saw with the N.  No need to re-traumatize yourself by seeing the same person.

You talk about feeling empty.  What would you like to be feeling?  What does full (non-empty feel like for you?  My suggestion is to feel that empty feeling until you accept it.  Sometimes distraction through volunteering, keeping busy can be helpful.  With me, it can turn into just another way to avoid my feelings, so I have to make sure that I have time to just sit and feel my feelings, no matter how unpleasant.  Welcome those feelings in if you can.  When you are able to accept them, then you'll begin to understand what they mean and where they come from in your life.  If you are not at a place in your life where you are not ready to do that, then that's OK too.

[astrofemme]

Stormchild, thank YOU for thinking of me with all you are going through.

Longtire, it's the darnedest thing.  A lot of days I can't figure out what I'd like to be feeling or what I enjoy anymore and I'm not sure just what I am feeling.  It seems like nothing although feeling nothing starts to make me feel miserable--if that makes any kind of sense.  I feel like I should be moving forward and I'm stuck.  I'm spinning my wheels.

I think I need to force myself to get busy.  I've always felt like being busy keeps you from thinking and feeling what you need to but maybe there is a time for busyness.  If I volunteer for something maybe I will feel purposeful.

I am more and more thinking of scheduling an appointment.  I liked the therapist, she has all the history and she has two offices.  Maybe I'll go to the other office to avoid those trauma feelings.

[Stormchild Guesting]

Thanks for posting re Sophie, astrofemme... it helps.

Quick thought: take care of yourself first.

It is very easy to find yourself being taken advantage of in a volunteer situation. Ns train us to be caregivers and to 'volunteer' to supply them.

Be careful about committing more time, energy, resources than you can comfortably give, and if you find yourself being pressured and guilt-tripped into overextending yourself, get out ASAP.

Most importantly, do something you really want to do.

Gonna go back to the bedroom now, I've been poking food and water under the bed to Sophie all day. The good news is, she's eating and drinking. The bad news is, she hasn't come out yet.

[d'smom]

I just don't know what the heck is the matter with me. Maybe it is something physical.

Anna, I am so sorry for you in your situation with your daughter. Sometimes I feel  ashamed for feeling so rotten when others have endured so much worse.

eek, that wasnt the point! thanks for saying that though.. but, you feeling worse at all definitely wasnt the point! > also, maybe it -is- something physical.. maybe you are hovering on the edge of a depression. it can happen. if you feel it might help, im glad you are thinking of looking in to therapy also...  

Longtire, it's the darnedest thing.  A lot of days I can't figure out what I'd like to be feeling or what I enjoy anymore and I'm not sure just what I am feeling.  It seems like nothing although feeling nothing starts to make me feel miserable--if that makes any kind of sense.  I feel like I should be moving forward and I'm stuck.  I'm spinning my wheels.

I think I need to force myself to get busy.  I've always felt like being busy keeps you from thinking and feeling what you need to but maybe there is a time for busyness.  If I volunteer for something maybe I will feel purposeful.

I am more and more thinking of scheduling an appointment.  I liked the therapist, she has all the history and she has two offices.  Maybe I'll go to the other office to avoid those trauma feelings.

i think i should clarify what i wrote before: if you have issues of a certain depth, you may have to go to therapy to really address them.... if you liked her, and you can go to another office, maybe it would be a healthy thing to do. or maybe, she can suggest someone different. with certain problems - definitely nothing will replace some good therapy. (objective viewpoint, etc) it took me several years of therapy -before- it was suggested to me to start volunteering, which i did as -part- of my therapy.

also, volunteering is NOT about distracting oneself from negative feelings. its about creating something in your life that -gives- you postive feelings. theres a difference.  before those years of therapy, and meds, and all that, i couldnt have thought about doing volunteering, i was myelf too damaged/wounded for it to have done any good. after a certain amount of therapy, something like volunteering was suggested as an adjunct to my therapy, becuase i tend to isolate and be agoraphobic and they wanted me to get out of the house and get involved in life.

i do -not- volunteer to distract myself.  (i dont have the energy, believe me) i do it to create positive feelings in my life and get out of the house.

in other words - if i sit home all day being depressed, by evening im depressed. if i go somewhere and be useful and have fun, i drive home feeling satisfied, fulfilled, and happy. feelings are -real- and change your biochemistry, and creating them for yourself can change your mood and your reality in a very real way.

but, you have to be healthy enough to benefit from it first.

ok, thats what i meant!!!! astromfemme you are very kind; hope things get better soon.
A.

[Brigid]

Astrofemme,
I have to agree with Longtire to a degree that, as much as volunteering is a wonderful thing and can bring great joy and satisfaction to your life, at the point you are it may be more of a distraction to healing than a companion to healing.

I have been the consumate volunteer for the last 20+ years.  Chairing large committees, president of the PTA, starting very large fundraising projects, etc., etc.  I did it when I thought my life was full and complete and I was in a position emotionally to give back whatever I could to my kid's schools and my community.  I have purposely pulled back from doing anything but some simple, limited tasks since the divorce started because I knew that it would only be a distraction to my grief process and keep me from dealing with my issues.  That is not to say that I haven't found other things to distract me from dealing with the reality of the situation, but I am trying hard to focus on getting myself healthy so I can once again be available for all the right reasons.

As I said in an earlier post, therapy is your best option right now.  Work on healing you on the inside so the outside can project a positive healthy image.  Try as I might, there is no getting around facing the grief, pain, rejection, loss of love, loss of family, lonliness, and emptiness that I feel and you are now feeling.  You need to walk that long, dark tunnel with faith that you will come out into the light on the other end.  

I was never a religious person, but I have learned through this experience, that faith and God's love can be a powerful healer.  There are no atheists in foxholes and we are surviving the war of our lives.  I have faith that you will get through this, but try to take the time to deal with your pain rather than filling your time to avoid it.  Just my 2 cents.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hi astrofemme,

Sometimes it helps to make a list of things you like/don't like. Basic things like foods, colors, movies, clothes, TV shows, anything. This helps you get your identity back. Another fun thing is to make a collage with any magazine pictures that appeal to you. Don't think too much, just cut out pictures and glue-stick them on paper. The collage will give you a message about yourself.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Goodness.  I just realized that in the short run he seemed much better than my Nmother but in the long run, he was probably worse--more damaging.  When she was a raving lunatic, I could see that she was...well a lunatic.  I knew something was wrong with her.  He was more subdued and sneakier and everybody loved him.  He was harder on my self esteem because he gave me self doubt and I was treated like I wasn't even there a lot.  When you get raged at, you're there.  I never really thought about this before.

It sounds like you had some light bulbs turn on as you wrote about your feelings. I have found writing to be incredibly healing.  When I experience any strong feelings, regardless of the time of day, I rush to write them exactly as they occur. Most often, I am usually surprised at the direction and depth of my thoughts and feelings. I learn more about myself than thinking allows. I find the actual exercise of writing opens my unconscious thoughts for my conscious awareness and consideration, at that time.

It is critically important to write honestly, openly, and from the depths of your heart...with care only given to your truth. Write for yourself as if no one else will ever read it. When I write like this, I go back and re-read my notes the next day, often with a "wow--how did that go there, or did I write that, or I didn't realize that, or that's interesting?"   I almost always feel some sort of release and comfort from "revelations on paper".  Remember, write exactly your truth and let yourself be open-minded and gentle, or not.  By the way, I find it helpful to consider a positive spin, or lesson, as I close my thoughts. It helps redirect me...even when it's hard.

Your post sounded as though writing maybe could help ...at the very least, it may help you to learn more about yourself.

And by the way, I love the idea of volunteering...as long as you have passion about your cause.

I hope you might consider writing and see how you feel. It takes a little time to become really comfortable but it continues to get better.  It could soon become a great friend to you.  Best to you,

BJ

[zeene]

I'm pondering what I can do to get rid of the empty feeling.  Is there any one thing that really started the ball rolling for anyone?  The thought of therapy actually depresses me.  It gives me flashbacks and bad feelings because I went to therapy with the N for awhile before it was all over and just the thought of it makes me shudder.

I'm thinking maybe volunteer work could do it.  I think I need to do something to shake myself up.  Somedays it seems like it'd be too easy to just slide into oblivion.

The worst thing about the narcissist for me was how easy it was for him to make me feel like I was of no consequence, like I was a nonentity.  He could do it without effort.  He was a master at that.  It was actually better during the times he would rage.  At least I was worth a rage.  Does this make sense?

Goodness.  I just realized that in the short run he seemed much better than my Nmother but in the long run, he was probably worse--more damaging.  When she was a raving lunatic, I could see that she was...well a lunatic.  I knew something was wrong with her.  He was more subdued and sneakier and everybody loved him.  He was harder on my self esteem because he gave me self doubt and I was treated like I wasn't even there a lot.  When you get raged at, you're there.   I never really thought about this before.