What is the purpose?

[Lara]

Hi Everyone,
A few thoughts, and if anyone can help me process them, it would be great.
My ex came into my life nearly six years ago, from nowhere. Sixteen months ago, except for a few very short messages to me, he left it again.
What was the purpose of this happening? Does there have to be a purpose?
It just seems so random.
Was the purpose of the r/ship for me to support him, emotionally and financially, at a time in his life when he was otherwise alone, to be there for him through awful (though possibly self-inflicted ) troubles? BUT, if that was the purpose, why would it also be part of the deal, that I should have to spend a long time trying to get over it, and feeling wounded?

Or was the purpose of the r/ship, to share some very happy times,which we certainly did in the early days, to have some wonderful memories?BUT,it is the memory of the happy times which haunt me now, so that I wish they had never happened.

So, why? Is there a reason in the scheme of things, why somebody comes into your life, messes you up, and walks out again?
Any thoughts appreciated!

Sincerely,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lara,

The purpose of the relationship is to learn about yourself. He was just a catalyst. The reason he came into your life was unfinished business from your childhood. Otherwise you would have seen his red flags and not gotten involved. You wished to rescue someone. It means you weren't rescued as a child. He is just a loser who caused a mess and left. The reason you aren't over him, is that the unfinished business is still there. It's about your parents, not him. That is the purpose, to show you that there is some internal work to be done. When you've worked on this stuff, he will only be a shadowy memory. Because it's not about him. It's about your life and how you want to live from now on.

bunny

[JUSTME]

DOTH Thou consider reincarnation as explanation4purpose of
some events...
by the by
i think reincarnation is compatible with christianity
and that a key to the bible is how in revelation
chapter 1 it says
jesus christ is the first begotten of the dead....

[Layla as guest]

Justme,

That is a very interesting thought on reincarnation and christianity.  I've never thought of it that way before.

Layla

[Brigid]

Lara,

I would have quoted Bunny, but I would have needed to quote the whole thing so why bother.  She is absolutely, positively right on and I believe it applies to each and every one of us who has chosen a relationship with a N personality.

This is exactly what I am doing in therapy now and it is really crappy, but as I saw myself edging toward making some of the same mistakes again (at least I have evolved to that point), I knew that the stuff down deep is still haunting me and must be healed.

If you can, find a way to get to that deep seeded pain and do the work to heal from it.

((((((Lara)))))))

Brigid

[Jaded911]

I ask myself the same question Lara.  I have often said the biggest bunch of bullchit is the deal "it is better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all."  I had an episode recently with my ex N and it has my head back into a dizzy spin.

I would hope that the ex N meant some of what they said to us.  If they did not then why the hell can't we realize this and move the heck on like they obviously have?

I feel like his punching bag at times and I just hope that one day this will all just be one big bad memory.

[mum]

Bunny did it again, Lara.  Nail on the head.  It's about you and your life.  It's all learning.  You choose experiences, or experiences choose you, to show you things about yourself.  
Pain has purpose: to show us how to be happy. Love  and happiness are our purpose.  I, too, once thought love equalled pain, but that is drama and total bull.  Love is the opposite of fear.  Pain and fear are brothers. Unavoidable for humans, but they as a gift for us to grow from....kind of like animal feces for a garden....
it stinks for a while, but what beautiful bounty if we treat it right.

[Lara]

Thanks so much everyone for your understanding and your very helpful ideas. (Jaded, I have to say that that that cliche about 'Better to have loved and lost' has often annoyed me recently as well! When the feelings are so intense and destructive I think it's totally untrue.)I'm sorry that your recent contact with your ex has left you in renewed pain.I hope that for both of us, these people will be as you said, just a bad memory.

One thought that has sometimes struck me is that when i met my now ex-boyfriend, I fell in love with my father! To explain: my father died several years before I met my ex, and, confusingly, my ex is several years younger than me, but they did have several of the same personality traits.As I've said here before, I felt loved and cherished during my childhood...I was very fortunate. My father was a very kind, unselfish person, but suffered from occasional depression.

Is it possible that in meeting my ex, and in staying with him for so long, ignoring all the 'STOP!' signs and throwing away all common sense, that I was trying to get my father back? And is it possible that this happened despite the fact that as it turned out my ex did not have my interests at heart,whereas my father had done? Is this why it's so hard to 'get over' this r/ship?
Alternatively,is it not just possible that my ex saw in me a soft touch, a kind, caring person who could give him what he needed at that time? And, that in my situation, faced with a handsome, charming, intelligent man who appeared to find them fascinating, anyone would have fallen as hard as I did?

I think you are right;I have to look at my part in all this.From the moment I met this guy, I started to act really crazy, and to throw all caution to the wind. I need to think about why I still feel so linked to him, despite the lack of contact. I feel proud and strong that in the end I stopped contact with him and that I have maintained  no contact despite his messages.I know that I am stronger in my other r/ships now as well.BUT I have had enough of this now;I want to shut the door on this r/ship.To quote dear Bunny,I know how I want to live from now on.IF any of my ideas above are feasible, how can that realisation set me free?

I hope I haven't rambled too much here! I'm trying really hard to see the links in the chain. Yes it was me, not him;or was it that him and I made a deadly combination?

Thanks so much again,
Very sincerely,
Lara.

[bunny as guest]

Is it possible that in meeting my ex, and in staying with him for so long, ignoring all the 'STOP!' signs and throwing away all common sense, that I was trying to get my father back?

Yes it is possible.

And is it possible that this happened despite the fact that as it turned out my ex did not have my interests at heart,whereas my father had done? Is this why it's so hard to 'get over' this r/ship?

The ex only superficially resembles your father. So trying to recapture dad's love won't work with him. And in an addictive relationship, we keep trying until we hit rock bottom or until we choose to surrender to reality.

Alternatively,is it not just possible that my ex saw in me a soft touch, a kind, caring person who could give him what he needed at that time? And, that in my situation, faced with a handsome, charming, intelligent man who appeared to find them fascinating, anyone would have fallen as hard as I did?

There are many reasons for two people to get together.

I need to think about why I still feel so linked to him, despite the lack of contact.

This is what I think you've figured out already: You're longing for something very badly, I think it's from when you were very young and I think it's about your father's depression. The ex dovetails with these longings and they have been transferred onto him, since it seems they could potentially be fulfilled through him. Another part of you (the part grounded in reality) knows he can't fulfill any of this. He isn't the solution.

IF any of my ideas above are feasible, how can that realisation set me free?

Keep reminding yourself that the feelings are about your past, not about him. It's about you as a baby wanting something and not getting it because your father was depressed. Keep separating the ex from the past. I think his having his own baby and advertising it to you, was a huge trigger. You unconsciously want to be the baby, and, more consciously, want him to be the father of your baby. On an objective level, it was extremely cruel and insensitive of him. On an unconscious level, it triggered a lot of childhood yearnings that may not even have words. Anyway just keep separating the ex from the childhood past.

The purpose of the relationship, for you, is a learning experience. The relationship itself was toxic for him and for you. People go through as many toxic relationships as it takes for them to learn about toxicity and how to notice it and choose to avoid it. Some people do notice it and choose to get involved anyway. So it's kind of a two-step process. First, noticing red flags even if you choose to keep going; and more advanced, noticing red flags and choosing to walk away even if the situation is enticing and seductive. So it takes a while to get to that place. That's the learning curve.

{{ Lara }}

bunny

[Lara]

Bunny, thank you so much for the encouragement and the kindness in your reply, and also for the hugs! I am thinking over everything you said, and I will no doubt be writing reams back to you in the next few days, when I have put all these thoughts and reactions into some kind of order.

A million thanks;your presence on this board is such a blessing!

Sincerely,
Lara.

[October]

DOTH Thou consider reincarnation as explanation4purpose of
some events...
by the by
i think reincarnation is compatible with christianity
and that a key to the bible is how in revelation
chapter 1 it says
jesus christ is the first begotten of the dead....

Not sure what you are saying, I am afraid.  Perhaps you would care to explain??

[New Day]

Dear Lara,

Just another POV here, a more simplistic one perhaps, and not as deeply psychological.  

What was the purpose of this happening? Does there have to be a purpose?
It just seems so random

The purpose is up to you.  You are the person who gets to decide if there was a higher purpose to meeting and being with this man, and you get to choose the lesson you learned, if you learned anything.  You, not us, decide.  Have you ever seen that essay on the internet about how some people come into our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime?  Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a certain amount of time, and we don't always get to decide the length of time.   Think of kids you knew in grade school that you no longer know.  Think of people you knew because of jobs, that you no longer know.   Think of people whose parents die young.  Think of people who have a loved one die suddenly.  Is there a purpose, a reason for any of that?  I have a friend whose father was killed in a car accident.  Did he ever feel there was a reason for it?  I doubt it at the age of 14, but perhaps years and years later, he did.  

Perhaps your exN was only meant to be in your life for the length of time that he was.  That was all.    

The other aspect of this which I strongly believe is that it is natural that you would still feel linked to a person you loved and felt deeply about.  Of course you should!  Even if he hurt you, and it ended badly, you did love him.  I was with my exN almost the same amount of time as you (lived together 6 years, together 8 years)   and eventhough he destroyed me at the end and devastated me, I feel terribly linked to him still.  We had a connection, I do not think that is broken when you part after a considerable amount of time together and being in love.

Because we had financial business to finish after I moved, I said to my N, "You know, we are inextricably linked until we complete that transaction"  and his response was "New Day, we are inextricably linked for always" .... I was actually surprised he said that, and it may have been a typical N maneuver, but I have to say I think it was genuine.  And true.   My exN moved on quickly, as did your's, Lara, and your's has a baby, and mine married the OW.   But despite that, it does not negate the years we had with these people.  

When you say you want to be done with all this, I feel the same, but what I really mean is that I want to be at peace with it.  I do not expect the connection to break.   I just want to be at peace.  That is my goal.  
Maybe that is your ultimate goal, too, dunno.  But maybe give some thought to the idea that it's okay to still feel a connection to your exN, and that you will find a way to integrate it into the fabric of your life without discomfort eventually.  
You get to decide.

Be well, Lara.  
New Day

[Stormchild Guesting]

Hello Lara

I too wonder about the purpose of all the love and hope and kindness we waste on Ns, who simply gobble it all, belch, backhand us across the face (or kick us in the teeth if they're feeling really perky), and grab greedily at the next morsel of supply.

I too wonder what kind of creature presents itself deliberately as loving and caring, and goes to the effort of appearing loving and caring, until we love and care for it, then drops the mask and turns into a monster.

I don't have a good answer. I have been looking. As a Christian, I try to believe that all love given is worthwhile, that it is the giving that counts. As a woman nearing 50, I can see, however, that this gets older than dirt real fast if you give and give and get nothing in return.

I have also remembered something that an Inuit shaman reportedly said, but I can't remember who actually wrote about it. Maybe Annie Dillard. The shaman said that much of the trouble with some human beings is the fact that their food consists chiefly of the souls of other human beings.

In other words, there are such things as soul predators. It would make sense. And appearing to be loving and caring would be the way they hunt their prey. This too would make sense. How they get that way - born vs. made - and whether or not they can be cured - is something I'll leave to others for the moment. Getting them out of my life is my primary concern just now.

The hard part is first realizing that this soul predation is what is going on, rather then an actual relationship; it involves realizing that the person we have invested so much of ourselves in never loved us and never will, but only saw us as a foodstuff. [Mum, thinking of this always makes me wish I could become vegan. The analogy to farm animals makes my hair curl.]

They may or may not be consciously predatory... but I think on some level they always know what they are doing. Their responses are too pat and too quick.

After we've faced the fact that someone we love is an affect vampire,  then we have to face the fact that continuing to love them is continuing to waste love. And since they are predators, they are extremely good at presenting a love mask that is very nearly ideal. We fall in love with the mask, but a mask is a dead thing, a made thing, a fabrication. Masks cannot love. Only souls can love.

Easy to say all this, but it has taken me years to figure it out. Decades. And I'm still vulnerable to the creatures - I just run sooner now, I glimpse the slavering muzzle behind the mask and run. It's worst when the affect vampires in your life include a parent, or both parents... because that is where we learn what love is supposed to be like, and if we had that lie in its place, it can take a long time to get past it.

[Brigid]

Bunny,

The purpose of the relationship, for you, is a learning experience. The relationship itself was toxic for him and for you. People go through as many toxic relationships as it takes for them to learn about toxicity and how to notice it and choose to avoid it. Some people do notice it and choose to get involved anyway. So it's kind of a two-step process. First, noticing red flags even if you choose to keep going; and more advanced, noticing red flags and choosing to walk away even if the situation is enticing and seductive. So it takes a while to get to that place. That's the learning curve.

That is some of the best advice I have read on this site.  Thank you for condensing a difficult concept into such a concise paragraph.  You are a very insightful lady.

Brigid

[Lara]

Dear Robin,
You have already helped me just by being with me in this, and understanding, and by your thoughts and suggestions.
Together we are so much stronger than on our own.

Much love,
Lara.