That empty feeling again

[nightsong]

Hi astrofemme,

This is a very interesting thread, thank you for starting it.

Re therapy - it sounds like you already have a good therapist available, so that could be a worthwhile route for you. Bad therapists, obviously, are mich worse than nothing, and there are plenty of them out there. But, therapy is going to churn up a lot of very painful feelings. I wonder if you're feeling up to that at the moment?

Volunteering can be great (I've done plenty) but I so agree with the comments about taking care of yourself if you go down that route, to avoid being exploited.

I'm wondering if just 'taking care of yourself' is the key thing here right now? You sound low and exhausted, and no wonder. Maybe just lots of sleep, sunshine, books you love if you feel like reading, music you like, fun TV or films, good food, vitamins? You deserve to take care of yourself and recover from the trauma. A routine, and getting out of the house to meet people in some context, could all be part of looking after yourself.

However you choose, I wish you peace and happiness.

[astrofemme]

Oh my gosh, I'm thrilled with all this good feedback!  And just at the right time as well.  I'm not sure where to begin.

To everyone who gave me feedback about volunteering, you all gave some really good advice.  I was thinking volunteer work could make me feel useful because right now I'm thinking, what's the point?  I do have a program I'm very interested in (had plans to sign up before the divorce) but have been having some anxiety that I would not be able to put into the program what I need to put in right now, and I absolutely could not let anyone down.  Perhaps it would be best to wait awhile longer.  

D's Mom, I didn't mean to make you feel the way you did.  I have always, always compared my situation to what others are going through as a coping mechanism.  I really frustrated the therapist by comparing everything I've gone through to the holocaust.  I always figured if other people were suffering worse, I could get through what was happening with me.  That's probably something I still need to work on. Actually, it makes me laugh a little because everytime she tried to point something out, I'd say "but it's not like the holocaust" and I could just see and hear the frustration.  Intellectually I guess I know better but I can't seem to kick the programming.  I tend to isolate as well.  I know I could end up a hermit and I will have to force myself out.

BJ, writing does help but you've helped me to realize, it seems to be more constructive when I do it here.  I have pages and pages I've written when I'm feeling bad but it's mostly #@*@&# blankety blankety so n so N Ex husband!  I have to be more coherent for this site and that led me into some good realizations.  Now, how do I do this without boring people on numerous web sites?  Perhaps pretend I'm writing to you all in my journal.

Bunny, I like the list idea.  I will try it.  Maybe the original me will come out from under.

Brigid and Nightsong, you are right.  Getting healthy and taking care of myself is the first place to start.  I need to regain energy before I can even put any plans into action.  Vitamins do help and I need to make sure I take them every day--I've been a slacker.  Sunshine and exercise help as well.

Thank you all for your feedback.  I've certainly got much more help here than from family and friends but then you all know how it is.

(And Stormchild, eating is the best news of all!  Even if she's still under the bed.)

[Stormchild Guesting]

((((((((((Astrofemme feeding the kitty in the corner behind the chair, back then))))))))))

((((((((((Astrofemme feeling lonely and sad, right now))))))))))

[FlowerGirl]

Astrofemme...

I read your post and completely sympathized both with your writing and the wisdom of our peers here....

i felt like adding my 2 cents. It is just my own experience - so do with it what you like...

I started volunteering recently at a local animal shelter. I never volunteered before (and indeed, can see the pitfalls that were described by others in this thread)... Since you seem to be an animal lover, like me... I thought I would mention this avenue. I cannot have a pet at this time, but going and hugging some doggies and kitties once a week for a few hours brings me great joy. its a low-overhead commitment, since there's no homework. and, I feel a tremendous sense of joy, hugging those lovely creatures and helping to place them with good homes.

I guess my point is that there are a few ways to volunteer and really not have to commit much emotional effort - but rather just recieve back affection from G-ds furry friends. After my visits, I always feel so happy (and muddy, and covered in paw prints)...  

Just a thought....

--FG

[astrofemme]

FG, I have thought about this one.  I do love animals.  I'm thinking many of us children of narcissists do as it may have been the only place we could find love.

It would have to be a no-kill shelter.  It would absolutely crush me to volunteer at the other kind.

[d'smom]

I was thinking volunteer work could make me feel useful because right now I'm thinking, what's the point?  I do have a program I'm very interested in (had plans to sign up before the divorce) but have been having some anxiety that I would not be able to put into the program what I need to put in right now, and I absolutely could not let anyone down.  Perhaps it would be best to wait awhile longer.  

hey, you are smart to recognise that. this would really actually be for 'you' at this point........ its really actually therapeutic for -you- right now......... so, taking on more than you can say to 'no' to, could easily be counterproductive...

I have always, always compared my situation to what others are going through as a coping mechanism.  I really frustrated the therapist by comparing everything I've gone through to the holocaust.  I always figured if other people were suffering worse, I could get through what was happening with me.

hmmm.... you know, i do that too..... never mentioned it to any therapist though..:}  the thing being, if people have survived worse, then i know that i have it within me somewhere, to survive 'this' whatever it is... i think a lot about the holocaust actually, and also people who survived slavery. humans have survived much worse... so that means we have it within us, to do it, if we need to. i actually think thats a pretty useful way to look at things..

but the thing is.. you cant use it as an excuse to minimise what you are going thru.. i think thats where it gets to be un-useful....

i dont like to see people minimising their pain...  if something hurts.... it hurts!!!!

I have pages and pages I've written when I'm feeling bad but it's mostly #@*@&# blankety blankety so n so N Ex husband!  I have to be more coherent for this site and that led me into some good realizations.  Now, how do I do this without boring people on numerous web sites?  Perhaps pretend I'm writing to you all in my journal.

you know this has also been a problem for me.! i have so many journals written to myself but eventually you want to COMMUNICATE. with other humans. also, i have never yet been bored by anything ive read here, although people often accuse themselves of rambling or self pity or all different things. i have frequently thought these people were much more critical of themselves than i was of them. ..... i dont like to see people be hard on themselves or impatient with themselves, we get enough of that in real life!.

Bunny, I like the list idea.  I will try it.  Maybe the original me will come out from under.

Brigid and Nightsong, you are right.  Getting healthy and taking care of myself is the first place to start.  I need to regain energy before I can even put any plans into action.  Vitamins do help and I need to make sure I take them every day--I've been a slacker.  Sunshine and exercise help as well.

hope you find things to perk you up and feel healthier :} ..
take care
anna (d's mom)

[FlowerGirl]

Astrofemme,

I certainly understand. The idea of working at a kill shelter was completely horrid to me. however, I have started working for the ASPCA shelter in my city (the ones associated with Animal Cops - the cruelty cops). That shelter, by definition, has to put down the violent animals that have been treated so badly that they can no longer be trusted in the presence of people. Its tragic - but in order to save those that can have a better life, they have to accept all pets.

It does have a policy, however, to never put down animals that are adoptable. They have had cats there for years. They will send pets to more high-demand locations (big cities tend to have more demand for small dogs, and big dogs find better homes in the country) - but they will not put down any adoptable pet.

Anyways - just to share my newfound experience. And yes, Astrofemme - it is amazing how these beautiful creatures bestow upon you that affection ... I crave it. (and there's a precious pitbull who is so generous with it! I hope he finds a home!)  It may well be the highlight of my week!

--FlowerGirl

[Brigid]

With my great love and connection to animals I have always been told that I should volunteer at the local shelter.  However, I have always been very afraid to do that for fear of seeing and hearing the stories of abused and neglected animals.  I have such a high sensitivity to animal abuse that I totally avoid coming in contact with it, even in books or movies, as it will eat away at me for days or weeks.  I've never been able to explain this sensitivity.  I love children just as much as animals, but I can hear and process stories of abuse, feel great sadness, but not absorb them into my gut where they sit for some time.  Does that make any sense?

Astrofemme,

I hope things are getting better and you're finding some peace from the emptiness, or at least beginning to see a way to get there.

Brigid

[astrofemme]

I wonder if this is something a lot of us have in common and has to do with growing up in a love-impoverished environment?  I am very sensitive to those animal abuse stories as well.  I tell people that I don't want to hear about them.  

The stories about people being abused are terribly upsetting but the animal ones bother me even more as well.  I think it has something to do with their complete innocence and trust and the fact that they are a different species but yet they still love and trust us.  It amazes me!  

For me it also has to do with my N mother caring not one bit for the life of my pets.  My mother once turned her back on a kitten out alone at night in a park in a blizzard with no one nearby.  How could anyone do that?  That's how cold she is.  Even the ex-N wouldn't do that.

This also brings up another thing that happened to me that I can't hardly stand to ever mention.  During the worst of the problems with the ex-N, I hit a deer early one morning driving into work.  It was very traumatizing for me and the ex-N yelled at me for being upset about it.  

Sad animal stories really, really trouble me.  This makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Hi Astrofemme:

I think the sad, sad feelings re. animals suffering/abused etc, that you experience....show how big your heart is.  It opens very wide to the most helpless/innocent creatures in the world.  Don't kid yourself......if there were a child who you saw in such a situation.....you would do all you could to help, I'm sure.   You have a big heart !!!  

It's also, as you say, probably related to your own childhood traumas involving pets/animals/parents attitude toward.  This was something you could easily do differently than them, maybe?  Have a deep appreciation and empathy for poor, distressed animals?  It certainly shows how different you are from that parent, who would leave a wee kitty out in the cold, night, alone to suffer.    You are kind, not cruel...selfless..not selfish....like them.

And hitting the deer!!  Oh I'm so sorry Astrofemme!  Ofcourse it was an accident!  You would never do such a thing on purpose!  How dare your ex-N yell at you for being upset!!  What a totally oblivious, inconsiderate, hurtful, cruel, nasty, rotten thing to do to you!!    

((((((((((((Astrofemme))))))))))))

I'm so glad he's your ex.......N.  Sending you warm wishes and hoping things will get better for you real quick.  Look after you, as has been suggested....is best for now.  May this cloud lift so you will see nothing but clear, blue sky!!  I will keep you in my prayers..

GFN

[FlowerGirl]

Hi Animal-loving friends...

I have to say, my father loved animals, but my nMom and sis can't stand them. I think I might actually be addicted to animals. It sounds silly, but I do so love hugging a nice happy dog. There's something so positive about it - i genuinely feel like they want to see me!

i also feel like it takes so little to please them. A pat on the head. some Peanut butter. they just love these little things. After working so hard all my life to please my nMom and never achieving it, getting a playful kiss from a puppy in excange for rub on the tummy is SO gratifying!

My nMom used to say horrible things about my love of animals. Things that come back to me whenever I spend time with them. She'd say that petting a cat (we had one at the time) was basically like masterbation (which was obviously evil). I remember thinking - huh? I must have been 10.

Still, I absolutely love animals. To all you out there (especially stormy) with lovely furry friends at home, send them my warmest hugs. I dont get to see any until saturday (but I can't wait!)

--FlowerGirl