having faith in the future

[write]

well, I had another rejection yesterday, not a biggie like some have been, but again I fell apart, had an awful day. Slept a lot.

Then late this afternoon I got a call saying I will be getting a big cheque for some music work.

I was really happy to be appreciated and be getting paid. It seems like my plans are coming to fruition.

But I worry all the time- why don't I have the faith in the future other people do? I just can't seem to build it up somehow.

My therapist says give it more time, I'm still grieving all my trauma and losses, and she's right.

But has anyone else come all the way through this and doesn't go through life still expecting the sky to fall in any minute?

[Anonymous]

We base our predictions of the future on what we perceive that we have experienced in the past.

If in the past you have been hopeful and optimistic and things have gone well, then your hope and optimism were reinforced. But if things have not gone well despite hope and optimism, a very different lesson is taught by experience. And if things went well but then a narcissist often spoiled them for you, yet another lesson is taught.

There is something called learned helplessness. It contributes to a lot of depression. The person who first wrote about it had a tendency to blame the people who felt it. Others who have written about it since then are more inclined to look at what these people have experienced before fixing blame.

There is something else called defensive pessimism. This is how people who have had bad experiences in spite of their optimism cope constructively without denying either their experience or their talents and potential.

You may discover that you can be a highly successful defensive pessimist. It allows you to face the things that can go wrong and make plans to cope with them if they do. They don't overwhelm you and they don't surprise you but neither do they immobilize you.

There is a book about this called "The positive power of negative thinking".

[write]

I was most sure about which were the biggest let-downs!

Especially relationships.
I am starting to be more questionning and defensive about them, and to learn that most people really don't deserve a second chance and should be written off the first time they are hurtful or abusive.

That's been a hell of a lesson, my whole childhood was one long exercise in turning the other cheek...

I'll look for the book, sounds interesting, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Hi Write:

I believe that if we can learn to be pessimistic, because of having negative experiences, then we can also learn to be optomistic, by finding some positives....looking deeply....at events/experiences/people etc.

After all, thinking negatively/pessimistically or positively/optomistically, are simply ways of thinking.  For me....my way of thinking is my choice.  I can decide to think whatever way I want.

I choose optomistic/positive much of the time.  Not all of the time but as much and often as I remember to remind myself to do so...or, after recovering from negative experiences (which even during those, sometimes, I tend to think fairly positively/optomistically...again...by choice and effort).

I really believe that we can unlearn or relearn, teach ourselves or be taught....new things, new ways of looking at things, new ways of reacting, dealing, thinking about stuff.  We have that ability and it can be put to whatever use we decide.  It may not be easy, sometimes, because the world looks bleak and we are in pain....which needs to be dealt with..but... there is a silver lining in every cloud.  However, these linings don't jump out and tap us on the shoulder.  We have to seek them out.

Just my thoughts.  

GFN

[Anonymous]

it has been the things I was most sure about which were the biggest let-downs!

Especially relationships.
I am starting to be more questionning and defensive about them, and to learn that most people really don't deserve a second chance and should be written off the first time they are hurtful or abusive.

That's been a hell of a lesson.

I can certainly relate to this. I have seen sad and bad things happen. Even here.

T.S. Eliot, from "Ash Wednesday":

"Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still
Even among these rocks
Our peace in His will
and even among these rocks
Sister, mother
And spirit of the river, spirit of the sea,
Suffer me not to be separated

And let my cry come unto Thee."

[write]

I always thought money wasn't important, I do my work for the love of it ( which I do ) BUT knwoing that I'm valuable in terms of dollars has given me a real boost this week.

It's giving me confidence to expand my contacts and generate more business for the future- a future where I will be able to earn my own good living!

I found me a new doctor this week too- no easy prospect.

Things are looking better all the time.

Hope everyone else has plenty of good times soon- we all deserve it!

[Anonymous]

Good for you Write!!!  

I'm so glad to hear:

Things are looking better all the time.

That's fantastic!!

GFN

[Anonymous]

Write said:

But I worry all the time- why don't I have the faith in the future other people do? I just can't seem to build it up somehow.

I've only begun to learn how to dream bigger dreams for myself.  Maybe the only thing that keeps us going in this life is having dreams bigger than ourselves and keep reaching for them til they come to past.  The hard part is creating the strategies to make those dreams come true.  IMO, dreams keep us alive.  Without them we are just floating like a feather in the wind.  The wind can be very unpredictable.  Why be a feather when you can be a falcon?  I'm still in the process of trying to figure out what my dream is

Write, maybe this doesn't any remote bearing on your thoughts, but what you said above got me thinking about being a dream-maker.

Butterfly