Material Items are Love ?

[MeOverHere]

I am curious, can anyone relate to this?

A parent who is utterly convinced that the gift of material items is love?

Any attempt to try to discuss emotional distress caused by this person is intercepted with " I do so much for you - (bought you a car, dining out, clothing, goodies, etc...)  How dare you complain!!" ... At the very most comfort I receive "I am sorry you feel that way!" - in an unconvincing voice.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with my daily distress, self hate and anxiety related to this?  It seems I have tried SO MUCH: therapy, yoga, eating a balanced diet, vitamins, reading, trying to understand, along with unsuccessfully attempts to having limited interaction with this person who gave me life, etc... yet still do not feel good about my "default"   feelings about myself.  I am happy to have found this chatboard in hopes that someone may have insight.

[serena]

Why is it Always about You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism  
James F. Masterson (Foreword), Sandy Hotchkiss

I would wholeheartedly recommend this book.  Your low self-esteem is directly related to having the misfortune to be born to a narcissist.

They don't know the meaning of love, seriously.  They can't nurture or cherish their children because they are too busy loving themselves and convoluting 'their' reality.

You will have so much in common with people on this board and it's a source of strengh and information.

Welcome.

[Bliz]

My parents defintely dole out money, material possessions as love.  My post is somewhere in here about them giving one brohter $200,000 for a business venture. WHenever I have asked for help it has been no or a very small amount.  I had the discussion with them that Love does equal money on some level. It made ME feel better.  I struggle to understand why and how it is so easy for them to help my brohters and so impossible for them to help me.  

I am beyond the age of them hoping I would marry someone to take care of me.  I never wanted a marriage like that anyway and am financially stable on my own.  Still it hurts when they dole out stuff to the others and cant seem to see that I could use the same help. Naturally if they do offer help of any kind it is, "well we help everyone."  But the tally is way out of whack.  Life time incomes for two of the siblings and a major home renovaiton for the third.  I was refused a family job supposedly due to the fact I was female and got 5000 for my first house 20 years ago.

[Brigid]

Welcome MeOverHere,

I had this experience my entire life with both my N father (now dead) and soon-to-be-ex (2 more days, but who's counting?) N husband.

My father never showed me an ounce of love or attention, but loved bringing home gifts that were suppose to make up for it.  Once I got married, he no longer felt obligated to do that and I hardly ever got anything again.

My H would buy me expensive jewelry (that we couldn't afford) to make up for his lack of love and attention.  I can't even wear any of it any more.

As far as how to deal with the relationship and heal the pain, that is entirely an individual thing.  I eventually had to remove myself from the relationship with my parents because it was too stressful and painful to try to keep it together.  Others here have found other coping mechanisms to be able to continue the relationship without it further damaging them.

I have found therapy as the best method.  Maybe you didn't have a therapist with whom you had good rapport and you should revisit that.  IMO that is the only way to really heal the deep seeded pain.

I wish you well as you deal with this.

Brigid

[bunny]

Welcome MeOverHere,

If you have a self-absorbed parent who can only show attachment through money/things, it means they are very concrete in their thinking. They didn't develop to the sophisticated level of abstract thinking. They are literally at the level of a small child who has to concretely act things out rather than talk about them. Talking about your deep feelings to this self-absorbed, infantile adult is like trying to talk to a four-year-old about your adult feelings and needs. It is beyond their comprehension. Then they feel threatened and they will counterattack. If you can understand the limitations of your parent, and how damaged they are (I'm sorry), you may be able to deal minimally with them. Unfortunately it means lowering your expectations to rock bottom. I agree with Brigid that therapy really helps for surrogate parenting, support, understanding, validation, etc.

bunny

[mum]

Welcome, Me Over Here:   I didn't have N parents, but my kids sure do have an N father.  He is consumed with money, belongings,and how he "pays" for his children like they are his possessions.  He is incapable of getting beyond this, and the best thing I have done for myself is letting go of wanting him to be different.  It made the world of difference in my life (I had help, so I recommend therapy).
My children have a hard time of it, though, as they love dad, but as they get older they notice how he hurts them with his selfishness.  Sad, but it won't be long before they emotionally seperate entirely from him (although he has a death grip on them, legally).
I'm sorry for you situation.  Lots of people here can relate, so welcome.  Post again.  Sending you light.

[Bliz]

Dont know if this relates to the subject or not but just got off the phone with the folks and they are both severly disappointed they did not hear from the brother they lent, (gave), all this money to when he returnd from the big out of town meeting about the new venture.  

I have such mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand I hurt for my parents who said, they felt they would at least get a phone call from him as they were very curious how it all went.  Mom mentioned that they did not want to indicate it was given with strings, but it was difficult not to feel hurt when he didnt bother to let them know how it went.

Of course on the other hand part of me is saying, yea, who is the dutiful child now?  I am the one who actually enjoys spending time with you and takes the time to keep you informed and check on you, yet you have and would never give me this kind of opportunity.  

Just trying to identify and sort out my feelings.  I apologize if it doesnt relate to the original poster.  Was hoping it was at least in the ball park and maybe helpful also to someone else also.

[Anonymous]

Dont know if this relates to the subject or not but just got off the phone with the folks and they are both severly disappointed they did not hear from the brother they lent, (gave), all this money to when he returnd from the big out of town meeting about the new venture.  

I have such mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand I hurt for my parents who said, they felt they would at least get a phone call from him as they were very curious how it all went.  Mom mentioned that they did not want to indicate it was given with strings, but it was difficult not to feel hurt when he didnt bother to let them know how it went.

Of course on the other hand part of me is saying, yea, who is the dutiful child now?  I am the one who actually enjoys spending time with you and takes the time to keep you informed and check on you, yet you have and would never give me this kind of opportunity.  

Just trying to identify and sort out my feelings.  I apologize if it doesnt relate to the original poster.  Was hoping it was at least in the ball park and maybe helpful also to someone else also.

Bliz, I think this is on the same topic, it's about parents who equate money with love. In your case, they "love" your brother more. They spoiled him rotten and now he takes them for granted, even PUNISHES them for not loving him the way parents should. They have to reap what they sow. Of course they don't value your reliability and responsibility because they decided long ago to make you the scapegoat. It doesn't matter what you do. They take your positive attributes for granted. But if you screw up, they say, "Well, that's what we expected." You can't win with these people.

bunny

[Guest17]

Greetings All,

Just today got back from the funeral of my aunt (for whom I was named). She was cheap in the extreme in embarassing ways I heard about at the funeral. Like talking down someone in price for a cashmere jacket at Goodwill for her son from $10 to $5. He related the buttons were 24 caret gold. I winced to hear the story. I have been told my inheritance will be and old fur coat I will have to clean because she spilled something on it in a restaurant because she was so cold she would not take it off. She has more than a few narcissitic qualities, has tied her children and grandchildren to her with money and her social connections. I feel very sad and sorry for all of them. They do not know they have been bought off, or have accepted it without standing on their own two feet (they are all very sucessful). As far as the fur coat goes, I hope I never hear from them. I understood my aunt's horrendous qualities as well as her good ones, and she helped many people very unselfishly. May she rest in peace. She certainly equated material things with love - she could give lessons in "buying love".  Peace to you all.

[Bliz]

Hi Bunny,
Thanks for the response.  You are right although I never intellectually understand it.

[newbie]

Bliz,
My story is very much like your own. I have a brother who although he is in his 40's, he manipulates our N mother at every turn. She pays his bills, gives him money, he won't work, etc.. Now she never does this for me, her daughter and wouldn't even think of doing it. Not that I'd want her to, but just like you, i think to myself, "Gee, it would be nice if she'd help me out once in a while. After all, I am the one who is there for her ALL the time at her beckon call.
She does NOT respect me, I have not set healthy bounderies with her either so she feels she can take advantage of me and walk all over me at all times, some of this is my fault. Yet I have tried not being at her beckon call and I'm the bad one!
She tries to instill guilt in me and says stuff like "I wondered why you were'nt down here yesterday!, etc..
She gives this brother of mine ANYTHING he wants, he is older than me and as I said, he is using her and she doens't see it!
Bliz, i very much understand where you're coming from but what can we do about it i wonder....???
The one thing i know is true for me as Ive already said is that I have NOT set bounderies with her at all.....I am enjoying this discussion

[Bliz]

Hi Newbie,
WHat to do about it is the big question.? I have sat down both my parents and as non blaming as possible, told them how the treatment makes me feel.  I question when I am feeling put upon and do try to reinforce boudnaries.  I have planned to ask for their support in my recent home renovation.  If I dont get it, at least I tried.  

I try to keep my antennae up for my own feelings and detach when necessary, speak up when necessary etc.  It is not a perfect science.  Talking things out here has helped as well as a good therapist.  ONe thing my therapist said when we first started about ten years ago was that they were not going to change and I should stop trying ot change them.  I was incredulous but it was actually good advice.  

I dont have as much invested when I do state my needs and wants because I realize they probably wont meet them but at least I verbalized, (getting my voice back), them.  Hope this helps and we will help each other.

[Anonymous]

Hi Newbie and bliz,

Well my mom took my brothers side when he started his war with me, and frankly looking back I see a lot of favoritism over the years that I never noticed before.
I made the mistake of actually telling her the truth. This of course had the effect of causing her to support him even more, and eventually led to her cutting off contact with me. Now, she's not an N, she's enmeshed with him, but its amazing how an enmeshed person will mimic and cheer on the leader of the pack.
And like everyone else here part of it is materialism. The war I'm in is because I refused to make the galoot a living anymore and don't want him controlling my assets through joint ownership. But the materialism is only for control and to look successful to the outside world. He actually lives like a miser.
What to do about it? I chose to get completely away from him and my mom chose the same thing for me. I probably would have cut off contact with her myself if she had continued repeating the crap from him, which she has. There are no good choices with an N. Only making the best of a bad situation.

mudpup