New Here... my story...gotta value my voice finally

[Menow]

Mudpup,
You are awesome! You really get it. THANK YOU!

but the alternative is to drown in their sea of self hatred and dysfunction. Why drown with them, when with some effort, we can leave them to drown on their own?

You are so right, AMEN! And it is hard, and for a co-dependant like me it feels like going uphill. But by God, I am going to do it and am doing it. Even though it seems everything in my body wants to go the other direction. That was how I was trained. But no more. I am taking charge now, I am retraining my body and instincts for self-love and truly caring people.

Anyways! Thanks Mudpup. Thanks for the big boost. It helps ALOT.

Menow

[Mati]

Menow

It is really great for me to read this thread as I am going through it as well and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and have even dared to think that I can now get those things that have been missing in my life like love and healthy relationships and a sense of being cared for and understood. And I truly believe that they come when the time is right and when you truly make the decision to move on and moreover that they are a vital part of the healing. What you said earlier about waiting for your parents to come though and give you the love you were waiting for is so true for myself and they never did, but that did not mean that it was lost forever because a wonderful woman came into my life briefly (in one weekend) when I was at a healing ministry. She was in her 70's and so motherly, and she took me under her wing and fused over me (I was too sick to sit up for the meetings and was at the back of the room on a campbed). She gave me the motherly love I had craved for and I felt that the hole inside had been filled and after that I was able to start to relate to my mother and just accept her for what she was and is, and the fact that she will never show me love and acceptance. I even got the nerve to tell her how much she hurt me in my childhood (I had avoided it until then, ie 53 years, as she always seemed to ill or too something else to cope with it, and I always put others feelings first even hers) but being as she is she did not listen and say sorry or anything but she seemed to have a bit more respect for me afterwards and used me a bit less as her personal punchbag for all of the complaints she had in her life. I lost all the anger towards her that had consumed me. I visit and it is calm and ok and she will never say or indicate that she likes me let alone loves me, but I accept that I love her and now that she is nearing the end of her life, I do not want to lose her and I understand at last that it is she who has lost out as the mother child relationship is so precious and that the suffering of a mother if they love their child but the child does not love back (in my case because of a manipulative father) is an undescribable pain), and reversed also. But now I am coming out of this disfunction and will be happy too soon, little glimmers of it are there and the love that I have to give will be returned to me, not by my family but by the people that will now come into my life. I too have spent all of my life with no-one there for me but it is changing now. This is a really exciting time huh? but boy is it hard, like climbing a mountain, but once you get on that path there is no-one who can stop you but yourself, and I am aiming for the top and you too I feel menow. Good on you.  

[Menow]

Wow, Mati,

You are very courageous. I think we are in the same spot. or very similar. I can feel your focus, determination, seriousness about... this time I am going to get it. That "I am done" with the pain and the loneliness. Me too, Mati. What an amazing experience with that woman. And how courageous of you to accept your mother as she is and to tell her how you got hurt by her. That is something that I have not been able to do, yet, maybe never.

I think that as mylife is filled with more loving caring people I may gather the strength to do that. But maybe I never will. I dont know. My parents are still young. And even though you never know what will happen. I just dont have the strength to communicate with them, and I am allowing that to be right for me.

But I have seen others who have done what you have done and have really benefited. So I am open to what is right down the road. But for now this path is right for me.

It is our turn. It is my turn and I am finally giving it to myself. ANd you are too. That is awesome. It feels right, doesnt it. It feels right. As hard as it is . It feels right. I am so glad for it. For finally being here and seeing an end to the pain. It is about me and my happiness, and my needs. My God, I never thought I would get here. But thank God I am. I am glad you shared your story. GOOD FOR US. GOOD FOR US...


Love, Menow

[longtire]

Go, Menow!!!!  You sound awake and aware.  Rational and optimistic.  Awesome!!!!  

[Mati]

Hi menow

I am done with the pain and the loneliness

Yes that's it. It is great to find someone else who is on the same stage of the journey.

It took me a long long time to get where I am with my mother and I stopped contact with her at one point. It has helped that she is old now (84) and has mellowed out, maybe it could not have happened when she was younger, I don't know. Forgiveness is something that I think only God can help us do. I told her she had hurt me because I had wanted to for a long time but did not in case she could not cope with it, and left it so long but in the end I realised that it should be about my feelings this time not hers. I am so pleased that I did it even though it did not do much.

Yes it does feel right and it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am living with respect and integrity. I am in that period where i have moved away from all the dysfunctional relationships and it is scary to feel alone but it feels good. And now I have two new friends who have been showing me love and it is such a relief because I know that my relationships from now on will be equal, and they will appreciate me and we will support and help each other. Wow! it is really something   Good for us indeed!

Thanks for the encouraging things you said about me. You are courageous too.

love
Mati

[Menow]

Longtire,
Thanks!!! Thank you for the powerful validation. YES! Clear, clean, self-focused and powerful. It feels weird but good.  

Mati, Yeah, I can see that it would be easier to do it with an 84 year old. When I thought about it, I thought, oh I could do that : ) But now when my parents are about 59. They still have a long life to live, unfortunately for me. That is terrible to say. But true in a way. That is so awesome how you told her that you have to tell her your feelings for you this time. GOOD FOR YOU! That takes guts. And you are welcome. THank you too: ) It will be fun to see how our lives get really really good!!! LOL! It is only up for us!!!

Ironically, I moved into my new apt. about a month ago, while I was dating this drug user. One of my new neighbors is a healthy recovering addict. Very loving, caring and strong. Well, he has helped me sooo much. He actually really cares about my well being. (shocker!) He is a little older, wiser and very sweet about this whole addiction thing. He helped me to focus and care about me and let this man go until he gets help and healed. Anyway, he is a new caring friend who keeps his word.

This weekend I am going to take care of me and as hard as it is force myself to sit down and focus on a book I have been promising myself to write for the last 15 years. I am really going to do it. So I will report back about how it is going... that will help me to keep my word to myself.  
  I have done alot of that.... dropping my word to myself, because I wasnt important to me.

My therapist brought up something that really struck me. He said YOU dont listen to YOU. He had said that before, but I couldnt relate. Now I get it. I really dont listen to my inner voice or my desires and needs that come up all through out the day. I am doing it more and it really helps give me some peace and even some happiness.

As I was driving around today, I realized that's what makes people happy. That is what "happy" people are doing, they are focused on themselves and fulfilling their needs not running around fuliflling everyone elses, which is what I usually do and did. Now I understand and am able to do it too: )

Okay, thanks for listening again. This is such a healthy place. And when I write and focus on me, my healthiness and HAPPINESS grows. Thanks guys, again for listening and being here.

Love, Menow.  

[mum]

Hey, Menow!  What a bright light you bring to this place.  Isn't it cool how focusing on what you want, which brings you happiness, then radiates out to others and brings them happiness?  It's not what we were taught is it?(at least not me, or my interpretation of it pre-awakening!)
I am glad you are finding happiness.  It is contagious.

[Brigid]

Menow,
Good for you.    It helps all of us to hear the positive stories and the hope for a future of happiness.  It's good that you are listening to you and caring for you.  That's what will eventually allow you to share (and that is the key word to a good relationship) that loving and caring with someone else.  

When we are in relationships with n's, we give away our love in hopes of having it returned.  We keep giving and they keep taking and eventually the love supply is empty because it was never given back.  Now you have to rebuild your own supply so you have the self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-love to eventually exchange with someone who deserves it.

As I am telling you this, I am also telling myself.  I am working very hard on rebuilding that love supply inside me that has been pretty empty for a long time (except where my children are concerned).  I feel it is working and I, too am feeling so much better about myself and my life in general, than I have for quite awhile.

I have the faith that we will get through this, learn many new things about ourselves and build the strength necessary to follow our dreams, whatever they may be.

Hugs,

Brigid

[dogbit]

Ironically, I moved into my new apt. about a month ago, while I was dating this drug user. One of my new neighbors is a healthy recovering addict. Very loving, caring and strong. Well, he has helped me sooo much. He actually really cares about my well being. (shocker!) He is a little older, wiser and very sweet about this whole addiction thing. He helped me to focus and care about me and let this man go until he gets help and healed. Anyway, he is a new caring friend who keeps his word.

 
Many years ago I had a friend much like you describe your neighbor to be.  He was the first one to present to me the concept of being true to myself. not giving up my spirit, and going forward with compassion and dignity.  He was a recovering alcoholic and had gone through rehab twice.  You are blessed to have such a friend.  The good ones are out there, aren't they!

[Menow]

Thanks, Mum... What beautiful words of encouragement. It really made me feel good.

Thanks too, Brigid, you have been really supportive of my journey in here.

Dogbit, yeah, those good friends are out there. And he has been wonderful. That is weird you had one too who had been through rehab. It seems to me that those who have been through hell and back can understand eachother! Thanks for understanding me, and I loved your quote at the bottom... "I didnt create the monster, I just rattled his cage." Soooo true!

So, here I am. A bit low. I think I am in recovery mode. Can't think about anything heavy. Sort of taking an emotional break. Those last few days were really heavy and full of realizations. Now I need to allow the integration and just "be". So not much to report. I did write a few words on my book. And am going to try to set up my new apt. I still have boxes laying around of stuff. So that is my plan. I will write more when I have more to write. But I am being honest : ) That is a good thing. I hope you all are doing well.

Menow

[longtire]

So, here I am. A bit low. I think I am in recovery mode. Can't think about anything heavy. Sort of taking an emotional break. Those last few days were really heavy and full of realizations. Now I need to allow the integration and just "be". So not much to report. I did write a few words on my book. And am going to try to set up my new apt. I still have boxes laying around of stuff. So that is my plan. I will write more when I have more to write. But I am being honest : ) That is a good thing. I hope you all are doing well.

Menow

Menow, I like the way you words things. I realized today that it is much easier to trust myself and not push things if I feel that I am moving in the right direction, no matter how slow or how many steps back it takes.  I don't remember if I ever felt that way before or it has just been so long that I had forgotten.  Sometimes just resting and recuperating is the hardest thing to let myself do.

[Menow]

Hi Longtire,

Thanks for the affirmation on taking care of myself, that is true for me too. It is the hardest thing to do for myself. I am glad I am doing it.

I had a really heavenly thought last night about how nice it would be to take a YEAR off. How sinful!!!! Please! My God, I have been overcompensating and running around trying to feel safe for 39 years! I am exhausted!!!! It would be heaven to take a year off!!! I am just sending that desire out to my angels of mercy!!!  Anybody listening up there???  

Well, I put it out there, stranger things have happened. But for now, I have set my life up to keep a light schedule and still pay my bills. Thank goodness! Because right now I have ZERO  patience or energy for giving a darn thing to anyone right now. Sorry to be so blunt. But what can I say, it is true.

I am glad you like the I put things.

Menow

[mum]

Menow: love the year off.
I told my sister recently, that I had a new philosophy: called "not giving a S***!"  She was a little taken aback (not by the swear word) by the idea, until I explained.
When you care sooooo much about stuff, it might just kill you.  I was once told the line: "More people die from hurt and resentment than any other thing".  (Florence Scofield Shinn...spelling may be wrong).

I think it's true. Wars are fought, stress disease results, etc etc...
It's a blunt way of saying some kinder things:

That attachment causes suffering. (Buddhist teachings)
And that if you spend your energy on something that is not within your influence, yet part of your larger concern (Steven Covey's circles of influence/concern) it's a recipe for pain.

I think there are a million ways to tell it....but it comes down to choice and realizing that it is one (where you spend your energy/time).

I wish you well on your path to healing (and I have a feeling that one year will turn into a new way of doing life!! YAY!!)

[Menow]

I told my sister recently, that I had a new philosophy: called "not giving a S***!" She was a little taken aback (not by the swear word) by the idea, until I explained.
When you care sooooo much about stuff, it might just kill you.

Mum, you're awesome!!!     I laughed out loud! I love it! That is exactly how I feel after a day of bull$(*#! I am tired and sick of it all. And you know what I dont give a sh$#! It is so true. I care sooooooo much about every frickin detail. Who is trying to screw me, who is trying to take advantage, did they really mean what they said, are they a good friend or not, should I trust them, yada yada yada. I am exhausted. Too bad I am not like most N's and just drink/drug myself into oblivion. I care tooooo much.

Don't get me wrong I am glad that I care. But geez. I am just taking the load off tonight and listening to me. And you know what is sad, I really don't have someone I can just unload with. I kept trying to think of someone I could call who would care or be there. And there was no one. So tonight I am going to pretend as if. As if I had someone who really cares and gets mad with me, and takes care of me. I have to start somewhere. So if I do it for me tonight, and keep doing it for me, then people will start showing up who do the same. That is my philosophy anyways. I will put it to the test. So tonight is the night. I will let you all know how it goes.

I am off to make some dinner and to take care of me. Thank goodness I can write here to you guys who do have an ear and understand all this. Thank you!!!!!! And thanks Mum for giving me a great laugh! And some wise words to ponder! We are definitely  on the same page here!    

Menow

[mum]

Hey, Menow.  I have the same kind of situation.  My kids are at their dad's, my fiance is 2000 miles away, and sisters are all very far away (and time zones...etc). The few people here I would talk to, just get way too into the dramas of life for me to even dial the phone. I spent all day on the phone with attorney, at work finishing up a project (I'm supposed to be on vacation!)...
So I eat a (bad) chocolate chip cookie and some milk and check in here and I will veg out and watch a dvd when I should be doing yoga or running instead!
But guess what?  I don't give a.....
So anyway, so you don't feel alone, we can not give a **** together!!!!
I'll be thinking of you when I eat the next bad item!!!