It's finally sunk in to my soon to be ex-husband, that I'm actually going through the divorce. I have a ton of reasons to be leaving, and the only regret I have in that is that I hadn't done it sooner. Without a doubt, he has strong narcissistic characteristics, and learning about this disorder has helped me in my dealings with him, not to mention, strengthened me to walk away from this toxic relationship.
What is really concerning me now is how he is using our 8 year old daughter's beautiful heart and natural desire to see her parents together to his advantage. It's been cyclical during the past 2 years of our seperation, but now that the end is in sight, he's really upped the ante.
I wish I could say he's badmouthing me, because that would be more obvious to my daughter that what he's doing is wrong, but he's not. What he has been doing and has intensified recently is coming across as my victim to her. He's asserted to her from the beginning that he doesn't know why mommy left, that I just don't like him anymore and that he'd like me back. But his efforts are getting worse.
From the beginning, I told him that we should not get her involved, when he said he didn't know what to tell her. I said I tell her that we had both tried to make things work, but couldn't, and that what matters is that we love her and will always be there for her. That has always been my stance, and I told him that's what he should say for her sake.
But I find myself increasingly more and more in a corner, as he insists on painting himself as a helpless, bewildered victim.
He shows her videos of happier times, holidays shots, when she was a baby, that kind of thing. He fabricates our history, making up stories of what our favorite band was, music, wonderful surprises he did for me, that kind of crap. He puts on videos that we used to like to watch together (that was about the extent of our sharing as a couple), and of course will tell her that that was "our movie.
And now he's out and out telling her that he loves me and wants me to come back.
He knows why counseling is no longer an option. He knows what he did, has done over years, knows why I won't come back, why it's too late.
The thing is, I stood by that man for 15 years, through thick and thin. He cheated on me, never took responsibility, totally entitled and extremely verbally abusive. He's all into his partying - he's a functional alcholic among other things - and the final straw was when he abandoned me and my child during a weekend family crisis to go party with a friend instead.
But I can't tell my daughter this. She askes me why I left. I remind her of what it was like. The sudden explosion of hostility was unbearable. At taht time, she was the one who encouraged me to leave. She seemed to understand at the beginning, and even as recently as this past Christmas, even after he sat her down and showed her all the "happy family" videos from the past. We had a long talk, and I asked her to trust me that I would never have left if there was any chance of making things better, that I would never hurt her like that, and that I had good reason. I told her that she couldn't get us back together again, that it's normal for children to want their parents back, that I understood and was sorry this was so hard on her, but that we both loved her and would always be there for her and that would never change.
She seemed to accept that, and things were okay, until her father launched a new campaign to get me back. Her emotional state of mind now and this new effort are not coincidental, and I can't believe he would do this to her...I mean, I can...but I can't!
I refuse to be as ignorant as he is, and tell her what he's done or is like to justify my reasons for not going back, but the fact still remains, I'm looking pretty bad to my daughter now, and he's looking like the good guy.
This is so insidious, because when he has her, he will let her stay up till midnight watching movies with him and then let her stay home from school the next day. We have joint custody and our jobs necessitates one of us having her for several days while the other one works. He does this even after I tell him she's having a harder time in school because of missed days.
This week I told him the final papers were drawn up and we need to sign them. In just this short time, I have seen a more dramatic change in his behavior to where he seems to be focused only on bonding with her as her favorite buddy and undermining me.
Yesterday, he saw us in a parking lot, came over to the car, got in and tried to hang with us a bit. I turned my car engine to go, and he had a smart remark to make, but what really got me was that he cupped his hand and whispered in her ear, before he left. I later asked her what he said, and she said that he told her not to tell me, but that when he gets her tomorrow, he's going to let her stay up late at night, watch movies with him and keep her home from school. When he was in the car, each time she told him she missed him, he'd kiss her on the check or touch her lovingly, and then he'd roll his eyes and shake his head, like he couldn't believe I was doing this to her, and then he'd be all sympathetic to her.
I can see the change in my daughter too, how she looks at me, how angry she is, how she believes daddy knows how she feels and cares and wants her to have what she wants, but mean old mommy won't. And I know this is all due to his manipulating of this girl's heart. She seems to be better after I assure her I love her and reiterate that to go back would be to place her and myself in more emotional stress and grief, but I can also see that she's really suffering, and at this moment, doesn't care about that. She just wants us to get back together "like the old days", which is a total fabrication of her father's. We were never that happy.
She can't defend herself from him when she's with him, and doesn't know she needs to.
I don't know what to do. I have to bite my tongue and not tell her what he's really like, what he's done, etc. But how do I protect her? How can I fight this man who is playing on her precious heart for his own purposes? I'm afraid for her, afraid that he will use her to punish me in increasingly hurtful ways to her.
Maybe what I need to do is just vent like this. I know I have to focus on spending quality time with her. I know I have to set boundaries and expectations for her in my home. I know I can't and won't say bad things about her father to her, and I know I have to make myself available and create the safe place in my home for her to be able to talk.
And while it's not appropriate for me to tell her the truth about her father, I would like to be able to find a way to teach her about the nature of manipulation. Not as it relates to her dad, but as it relates to human interaction. She can draw the correlation on her own when she is emotionally and psychological able to, but I do feel she needs to be educated as to these dynamics.
Has anyone else had experience with this, and if so, what resources did you use? I'm thinking about taking her to someone who specializes in working with kids going through a divorce, as well. I need some help here. Has anyone had experience with that?
I've made a decision not to engage her father in any conversation except as it concerns our daughter, but only in terms of her education, whatever. I won't discuss what he's doing with her, becuase I know what his reaction will be, and it will be a total waste of time. I don't need to set myself up in that way. It's a fine line for me, and I need to perhaps address choices and its affect on her and stay away from addressing his motives.
Thanks for letting me vent here. I feel a little better already.
Hopeful
