Baby is here - now what?

[Anonymous]

The authorities are very keen to get women away from abusers at the moment.

That's good to hear!  Sure a big change from when I was a kid.  Abuse wasn't even grounds for a divorce in this country until 1969/70 (can't remember which??).  Not that long ago really.

Imagine going to a judge back and then asking for a divorce and being told that your husband bashing you half to death was not grounds for wanting to divorce him?  What idiocy!!!  

So...in that regard....things have greatly improved.

Praise to all women who fought for such change!!  
And cheers to your success and to the good you have done to help others!!

And cheers to you Mati for reaching out too.  You are a kind soul.

GFN

[October]

Hello Everyone!

For those that didn't read the pregnancy post, I had a beautiful baby boy 9 days ago.

Congratulations on the arrival of Little Cadbury.  I hope you are both doing really well, and enjoying one another.  The early days are such a wonderful treasure, midnight feeds and all, so make the most of every moment!!

As for the rather grotesque bear, I think if that were in my house it would live in the loft.  

(((((hugs for you both)))))))

[Cadbury]

Thank you for all the replies. I am still pondering things. I think that what some of you have said about the challenge being a factor for him is right. My family want me to keep my son away from him, but I tried to explain that I felt this would cause my ex to fight for the sake of fighting.

I am thinking along the lines of a small amount of contact with me present at all times. I know that he is not that interested in my son as a person, more as a possession. He was quite annoyed that he didn't look more like him! He has a theory that new born babies all look like their fathers so that they know they are theirs. Exactly.

I have left the bear in its box for now. I should also mention that he dressed the bear and left all the price tags on the clothes. To me this is just him showing off - "look how much I spent on him". If he wanted the bear as a gift to his newborn son then he would surely have removed them as they are scratchy?

I don't know. I think I am going to find this hard to do. When he came to see us in hospital I was so close to being physically sick when he was holding him. Even though he paid little attention to our son and was more interested in berating me for not letting him be present at the birth. Still, I know what he is like and if I make it hard for him he will fight me just to do the whole power thing.

I keep crying all the time, which I know could be down to barmy hormones. I found out that my ex has joined an online dating agency and has emailed a staggering 50 odd women in the 2 weeks since the baby was born. While I am relieved not to be with him, I find it so confusing. The fact that I have read articles that state that an N will drop you like a hot rock when they have a new source don't help now it has actually happened. It's as though all the hell I went through was for nothing. The confirmation that his emotions really are that shallow and that he caused me such anguish for nothing is crippling. I feel so worthless. I know I'm better off without him. It is truly what I wanted, but to have fought so hard against him, managed to get away, kept my own sanity by a thread and then just to be forgotten about, is really hard to come to terms with.

I suppose this is the same situation that a lot of you have had to come to terms with yourselves, and really I am not looking for answers, just expressing it all. Sorry this is so long, but I am feeling so crappy and worthless that I thought maybe getting it all out would help a little.

Thanks all. My son is beautiful, worth every second of the pain, so I should be grateful really.

[Cadbury]

Just to torture myself, I answered him when he messaged me on yahoo just now. We just had a 20 minute conversation about ....him. Not his new born baby son that he has seen for 30 minutes of his life so far. Not how our beautiful, darling boy is coping with his gorgeous life so far, not one question about him. The closest he came was "Did A like his bear?". I didn't answer that one. He did tell me that on test the nation he came in the top 10%. Highly relevant when you have a dear little baby in the world don't you think? Oh and also that he has had a mental breakdown which is why he was such an arse to me. Oh God, I am crying so hard that my dear, darling, sweetheart of a boy must live his life with such an ignorant pig for a father.

For the non UK people, Test the nation is a tv quiz on general knowledge and the whole country can join in on digital tv or the internet etc. They give you the results at the end etc.

[vunil]

Argh, what a situation!

My instinct is the same as Patz'-- the mundane aspects of childcare are going to drive this guy away like lightning.

If he wants to see his son, either bring the son to him (so you can leave when you want) or have him come over right when the baby needs to be changed and put down for a nap.  Make sure to change the baby right there, inviting him to help.  If the baby starts to cry, hand him to his father, or at least stand as close to him so that the loud cries are right in his ear.  Maybe breastfeed right there in front of him.  Burping would be a good thing to do, too.

I know you're not looking for advice, but it is very entertaining for me to imagine you manipulating him in this way, so I can't help but suggest it!  

As for the bear, newborns aren't allowed to have soft fuzzy things (not even pillows and blankets) so there is your excuse right there.

I am having my own little one in October and am wishing you all the best!  Congratulations on being a mother.

Oh, and ps your ex's comments that you  had gained weight (!!!!) when he saw you in the hospital, and asking if he had lost weight were just classic.

[Anonymous]

Cadbury:

This guy makes me barf!  I know, I have been there.  I was also dropped like a "hot rock" for another N supply.  The problem is that YOU want him to SEE, YOU want him to feel...........projecting all the "normal" things that people feel when they have empathy.  It is really hard when you realize that the only thing you are hearing and seeing is the echo of your own voice.  The things you are trying to get  him to "see and hear" are bouncing off the wall and coming back to you empty.  I am very sorry that you were involved with this person.  I hope he tires of fatherhood in a hurry and leaves you and the baby alone.

Much love
Patz

[Portia]

Cadbury, since you first came here, how you’ve changed! How you’ve grown (and I don’t mean physically ). Have you looked at your first posts? How you were agonising over whether or not this man was as useless and selfish as you thought?  Look at you now! So much healthier, together in your head, please give yourself a break. You’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster.

And you have your lovely baby boy. How worthwhile is he? So how full of value are you? A world full.  You are everything to him (sorry any fathers reading, but you know it’s true, mums are top) – you are his complete world.

It’s okay to feel like you want to berate yourself for spending any time with the man you’ve left. It was just a mistake, we all make them.

Please don’t be scared or concerned about his legal rights and whether or not he’ll try to use them. I doubt very much that he will. Do you secretly want him to show an interest? Be honest with yourself. It’s best for both of you that he doesn’t. He’s bad news. If you don’t raise the subjects of your baby’s name, of parental rights etc – I bet those things won’t enter his mind. If they do, so what? They're nothing to do with him.

You don’t need any financial support from him do you? So you don’t need him at all. You can’t make him change into an interested father. Maybe you need to find someone else who would be an interested father, a man who would value you and your (three?) children for themselves and all joy they bring? All in good time.

Keep posting Cadbury, you need lots of support right now and by gum you're worth it

[mum]

Hi, Cadbury.  Keep on focusing on your sweet baby boy (like he will give you any choice, right )
Don't stay stuck on the fear of what might happen (that is possibly bad).  It's all "what if" anyway....so "what if" things go just the way you want?
Keep your focus there.  What do you want ? (good thing to know).  If right now it's all in your head.....then hey, think happy!!!  It's all in how you think.  You don't need this guy, and don't fall for it.....neither does your child (not a dad that selfish and destructive).

Another thought I heard today: "did you know there is no such thing as a mistake?"

YEAH!  It's all just learning...just life.

[Cadbury]

Thank you for all the support and encouragement.

I spoke to my health visitor yesterday and because I have registered the baby in my name without listing the father's details, he doesn't have parental responsibility. Until he gets that (has to go to court) then I am in charge of contact etc. I haven't told him this yet, but will leave it and see how he decides to play it. He doesn't even know that I have given the baby my maiden name. He assumes that the baby will have his surname. He will not be happy when he finds that out - dent to his ego and all that.

Hopefully things will get easier and I will stop crying soon!

[Portia]

Hi again Cadbury

because I have registered the baby in my name without listing the father's details, he doesn't have parental responsibility.

I just want to say btw, well done for this decision. Was it difficult to make that decision? I think that was a great thing to do.

I hope you enjoy this weekend, maybe get out in the sun (fingers crossed for sun ) with your lovely boy? Take lots of care of you too, best P

[Serena]

Thank you for all the support and encouragement.

I spoke to my health visitor yesterday and because I have registered the baby in my name without listing the father's details, he doesn't have parental responsibility. Until he gets that (has to go to court) then I am in charge of contact etc. I haven't told him this yet, but will leave it and see how he decides to play it. He doesn't even know that I have given the baby my maiden name. He assumes that the baby will have his surname. He will not be happy when he finds that out - dent to his ego and all that.

Hopefully things will get easier and I will stop crying soon!

Cadbury, first of all, I'm delighted the little fella is doing well.  I hope you are caring for yourself too, it's no mean feat having a tiny one and the other little kiddies to nurture.

Secondly, and I could be wrong, but I believe it will be very hard for him to get parental responsibility to include unsupervised visits given his history.  Have you spoken to the Citizen's Advice?  CAFCASS is the organisation dealing with law issues involving disputes with children, might be worth giving them a ring.  

Kind regards

[Cadbury]

Thanks again! I really get so much from coming on this board. I can't help but feel a little selfish in that I haven't responded to any other posts, but hopefully when I have recovered from all this I will be able to help others.

Portia - it wasn't so much hard to make the decision to leave him off the birth certificate as terrifying. He still doesn't know and I am so frightened of how he will react. It was scary enough when he found out I had given birth without letting him know. I am trying to tell myself that he can only hurt me and terrify me if I let him, so if I just let it all wash over me then maybe it won't be so bad.

Serena - I have been to Citizen's advice and they told me that I would need a solicitor to be properly advised of my legal situation. Either that or Social Services. I don't really want to involve Social services if I can help it as you hear so many stories of the overbearing way they can be. I think if I let him see our son and make it either too difficult or too easy for him to see us then he may lose interest. If he doesn't then I may have to reassess it all. I have looked at the Cafcass website and it is quite reassuring as if it did go to court I have enough information to prevent him having unsupervised visits.

Mum - thanks for your kind words. My son is a darling (as are my daughters) and I just want them all to be happy and safe. For me, I would like my ex to dissappear and find someone else to bother. Hopefully someone strong enough to see through him straight away.

Portia - again! It isn't that I want him to show an interest because I really would like him to lose interest all together. It's more that when I did contact him, I couldn't believe he WASN'T interested. I don't know if that makes sense, but I just cannot believe he didn't even have one question to ask about him. He just talked about himself the whole time. I don't need him financially and if he gave financial support it would be to gain control - "see, you NEED me" etc etc.

Patz - thank you for understanding! It is the misery of realising everything I went through with him was for nothing. I too, hope he tires of it all soon. I don't know if he's ready to relinquish control yet.

Vunil - I have been thinking the same kinds of things. turning up when the baby is desperate for a feed and then handing him over. My ex used to get offended when MY dauighters didn't want to cuddle him (aged 4 and 2) so if his own son were to cry when he saw him, he would very quickly lose all interest. As well as taking it personally! Good luck with your pregnancy and everything.

Anyone else who I haven't answered or responded to, sorry! I have taken all your commments and advice on board and I''m hjust hoping that I can get through all of this wih what is best for my family.

Thanks

[October]

Anyone else who I haven't answered or responded to, sorry! I have taken all your commments and advice on board and I''m hjust hoping that I can get through all of this wih what is best for my family.

Thanks

How is the baby doing, Cadbury?  Is he keeping you up nights?  Tell us all the bits that we girlies like to hear; how he is feeding and sleeping and 'talking', and whether he is smiling yet.  (I know the doctors will say it is too soon, but what do they know!!   )

(((((Safe hugs))))))

[Cadbury]

Hi October,

My son (I do love saying that) is a hungry baby. He feeds and feeds and then feeds some more. He has started having a sleep in the evenings for about 4 hours and then cat naps all night. as a result I have started going to bed at about 8 pm! The nice thing is that because we had so much time in hospital when I was readmitted, we have bonded really well together. He quiets at the sound of my voice, he settles whenever I hold him and that is just magical. At the risk of sounding petty and small minded, it is nice to know that whatever happens with my ex in the future, he will never have this bond and will never be able to relive these moments he is missing.

He was born with a mop of dark hair and now all his little new born blemishes are fading he is getting so gorgeous it's almost illegal! (Me, biased?!!).

I think he is starting to try out smiling. He is two and a half weeks old now and although Doctors say it's not until 6 weeks, I am sure both my daughters smiled around now - properly. It is different to the windy smiles!

My ex has not asked to see him yet, which is good. He says he is having a nervous breakdown. I would feel sorry for him, but while he is unable to communicate by computer or phone to me, he is perfectly able to join an online dating agency looking for a "serious relationship". So sympathy is limited. The good thing about his delusions and excuses is that I have quite a few yahoo conversations and emails where he states that he is mentally unstable! This will look good if he ever goes for any sort of custody! Bless him and his little narcissistic world!

Hope you are all okay. Still very appreciative of all the advice and feedback.

[October]

Hi October,

My son (I do love saying that) is a hungry baby. He feeds and feeds and then feeds some more. He has started having a sleep in the evenings for about 4 hours and then cat naps all night. as a result I have started going to bed at about 8 pm! The nice thing is that because we had so much time in hospital when I was readmitted, we have bonded really well together. He quiets at the sound of my voice, he settles whenever I hold him and that is just magical. At the risk of sounding petty and small minded, it is nice to know that whatever happens with my ex in the future, he will never have this bond and will never be able to relive these moments he is missing.

He was born with a mop of dark hair and now all his little new born blemishes are fading he is getting so gorgeous it's almost illegal! (Me, biased?!!).

I think he is starting to try out smiling. He is two and a half weeks old now and although Doctors say it's not until 6 weeks, I am sure both my daughters smiled around now - properly. It is different to the windy smiles!

What a lovely description!  And I am sure you are right about the smiling.  With such a mother, why would he not be smiling??