Baby is here - now what?

[Cadbury]

Well, it has finally happened. My ex has asked to see his son. As an aside - is it usual for N's to be so distant towards their children? My ex always refers to our son as "our son" or "baby". He hardly ever uses his name. I get a text saying "when can I see our son" not "when can I see A" etc. "How is baby" "DOes aby need anything" etc etc. I just find it strange.

Anyway, I haven't yet replied. I had decided that if he asked I would go along with it, but now he actually has I am terrified again. I do think that if I make it hard he will just fight me for the sake of it, but at the same time I am worried about how I will cope with it. The only time he has seen him so far was when he was a day old and after he left I cried for hours. It just made me sick to see him holding my precious boy. Could this be because I have "demonised" my ex to an extent and perhaps lost some perspective? I am so worried about it all. I think if my ex sees any "weakness" in me he will use it to hurt me, just for fun.

I am thinking along the lines of my going over to me ex's house and staying for around half an hour. I know that my ex will take it personally if A cries when he holds him and hopefully because A is so attached to me that will happen. Not because I want my son to cry, but because it will help keep the distance between my ex and my son.

I was also thinking of getting a dictaphone or something to record the visit. That way if it is too much for me then I have something to show the relevant people what my ex is like. Does anyone have any other ideas? I am thinking of going over there tomorrow to get it over with. Then if it is too much I will have to think again.

[sleepyhead]

Sounds like a good idea to me, by going to his place you have control and can leave when you want to. The dictaphone also sounds like a good idea, although it might not be admissible in court, you can play it to health workers etc. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, but hang in there! Sending you good thoughts and keeping my fingers crossed.

[mum]

adbury, I am so sorry you are afraid again.  I still get that way with my ex.
As a teacher, when we have a particularly scary or angry parent to deal with, we get another teacher, counselor, principal, etc, to sit in on the conference. That way, if we have a problem, there is a witness.

Is there any way you could bring a friend with you?  That way, he is seeing the baby and you are not there to "see" him.....you are just allowing him time.  PLEASE please bring someone with you....there is strength in numbers.  You should not be alone.

[Anonymous]

Cadbury, I think that as long as he doesn't harm your son, it is more about your reactions.  Perhaps you could be very clear for yourself by listing all the things you can think of that he might do to actually harm your son.  If he does any of the things on the list, you can terminate the visit immediately.  If he doesn't take any actions or say things to harm your son, then your reaction may mean more about how you view him than his behavior at that moment.  Either way, it might be a relief to list all the bad things you are afraid could happen to get them off your chest and prepare the best you can.  Knowing your detailed limits and responses ahead of time might help reduce your fear and other strong reactions.

[longtire]

Sorry, that was me.  

[Cadbury]

Thank you for the advice. It is so good to get an outside perspective on things. I think my main worries are all involved with the mind games my ex may play. Both with me and my son. I know that my son is too young yet to be affected, but I can see it being something in the future. Mostly, it is a feeling I have that he is not going to be a good influence in our lives and wanting to protect my son from that. I suppose I should just stay distant and hope for the best instead of worrying about the  what ifs all the time.

I just had a yahoo conversation with my ex, where I made the arrangements for tomorrow. He was so self absorbed and infuriating that I finally lost it with him. I said a lot of things that I have kept inside since we broke up. All the hurt and all the things he had done wrong. He only responded to the things that directly involved him. I am struggling to come to terms with how he is. He isn't like a normal human being. It is still something that is hard to accept - that he doesn't respond in the way a "normal" person does. I need to let this all go as it is starting to affect me too much.

I am even tempted more than I should be to tell him that the baby isn't his. If I wasn't terrified of how he would react, I would! Oh crap, I think I'll go and have a good cry and see if that helps!

Sorry for the rambling. And thank you for everyone who has helped.

[Guest2]

<I am even tempted more than I should be to tell him that the baby isn't his. If I wasn't terrified of how he would react, I would! Oh crap, I think I'll go and have a good cry and see if that helps! >

I know what you mean.  But don't tell any outright lies.  They could come back to haunt you.  Would you like to hear your voice on tape in court telling an outright lie?  And think of the feelings you might provoke in your ex!

[Anonymous]

Dear Cadbury:

Good for you for getting some of that out!  You needed that!  And the world didn't collapse, even though you blew up!!

He isn't like a normal human being.

You got it.  So don't worry so much about him, his reactions, his inhuman behaviour.

Whatever is best for you and baby is what matters, right?
 
He will need to know about the baby's name some time.  Maybe, it would help to devulge this information with other people around to support you?
People who you trust and who he won't act out so easily infront of?

It doesn't have to happen today.  There is lot's of time.  Take care of you and your child first and foremos and for now.

I suppose I should just stay distant and hope for the best instead of worrying about the what ifs all the time.

This sounds like a good idea to me.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  What's the worst what if?  Figger it out and then make a plan for it.  Then.....forget it......because the chances are the worst possible thing that could happen....... probably won't.

It's hard to completely give up worrying.  One thing I tell myself is....."worrying is a waste of time and energy".

It's true eh?  What gets fixed by worrying?  Notta thing!  Planning and action are what work best, right?

So....plan.  If this happens.....I'll do this or that.
If that happens......I'll do that or this.
Maybe even write it all down?  See some worries that are a bit too extravagent?  Have a written plan for the realistic things that are causing you the most upset/worry.

It's all fear.  Worry is letting that fear take control.
Planning is walking past the fear.

And then there's hope.  Please hold onto your hope that things will work out.  You and your son will be fine!   You can and will protect him!   You are a great mom and you will make good decisions, as they need to be made!

((((((((Cadbury))))))))

GFN

[mum]

GFN: so nice to "hear" you're back:

I need to tatto this on my forehead:

"Worry is letting fear take control.
Planning is walking past the fear."

THANK YOU!!!

Cadbury: sending you strength to trust in your good mother instincts today. You'll do fine.

[Cadbury]

Thank you! It is so true "Worrying is a waste of time". I met him in a Starbucks yesterday and it was not too bad. Of course we had to talk about my ex and then I had to hear a few more lies, but I found that by smiling and nodding and ignoring his worst comments I got through the visit okay. He seemed more interested in his son as a person than he has been before. I didn't arrange another visit as I thought it would be best to leave the ball in his court. I didn't tell him about the name or anything, so I am going to leave that until it is absolutely necessary.

All in all I feel okay about it. Thanks for all the eplies and advice and help etc

[mum]

Good for you, Cadbury.  I think meeting someplace public and nuetral is sooo smart.  Glad you got through it and he treated his son like a person.

[Cadbury]

Well, I have been away from the boards for a week. Mostly trying to cathc up on sleep and think about the future. I met my ex yesterday in starbucks again so he could see his son. He is now trying to be more familiar with me and I am starting to feel uncomfortable again.

I don't think it's just me being paranoid or anything. As an example: He asked how our son was sleeping. I said, "not too well, he is a very hungry baby and is feeding a lot". He said "lucky boy" and stared at my breasts. I felt really uncomfortable with that. There are other little comments he makes that are starting to lead to more than I am happy with.

He does hold his son and makes a show of interest. However, it is all just words. All offers of help he could give, money he could give. He never just does it. My feeling is I shouldn't have to (and don't want to) ask him for money etc. If he really wants to help that much, there are plenty of ways he could do it off his own back without instructions from me.

I am starting to feel crap again about the whole situation. Today he emailed me and said he wants to see more of his son. I don't think I can cope with more than once a week at the moment.

I just feel so helpless. His only input to our son was in the physical act of creation. He left me soon after. (My fault - according to him now). He spent most of the pregnancy making my life hell and telling me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. Now the baby is here, he is coming over all concerned father and wanting a part of the life he nearly destroyed through stress.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to accept once a week contact with me present? I would rather he had NO contact, but this is the best I can manage for now. What do others think?

Thank you (yet again).

[mum]

he is a very hungry baby and is feeding a lot". He said "lucky boy" and stared at my breasts.

EEEWWWWW, Cadbury, what a sleazey, slimy, disgusting man.

I think once a week is absolute sainthood for you in scheduling your son's visits with the sperm doner.

I would also continue not to ask for money.  He will see this as paying to see his child (that's how my ex sees it all).  If he offers, say thank you, but do NOT attach that to visiting.  Nasty things will start when you go there.

He is using the child to worm his way into an abusive stance with you again.  That is what these people do.  I still think you should look into some legality here...without his knowledge, so that you are forewarned and forearmed.

Don't feel guilty because you somehow are "keeping this man from his child". THAT is the biggest lie that these men use to gain access to the one thing that can hurt us the most....our precious children. Only they don't see them as that...they see them as an extension of thier "manliness" and one more thing to lord over us (our mothering).

Keep at it girl.  You know your boy is better off without that man breathing poison down his little neck (or your cleavage!)

I admire your determination and patience.  (((((Cadbury)))))

[Cadbury]

Thank you mum! I sometimes get so lost in his world that I forget about REAL people and how they react to situations! I start thinking he is more normal than he is. At the moment, because he is not on the birth certificate, my ex has no rights to see our son until he goes to court. He doesn't know that however, and I am keeping it from him so that I can use it when I really need to. For example, he will be completely unable to stop us moving out of the country without it. So if he doesn't know he doesn't have it, I have more time and am in a better position. I hope that makes sense. Not that I want to move or anything (YET), but it is reassuring to know.

He is such an arse. He has so many excuses for his behaviour, for his life, everything. Everything is someone else's fault. Never his. He just drains me. I am thinking along the lines of telling him I can only cope with once weekly contact and leaving it to him. Even though I have said to him before that I find it hard to cope with seeing him, he thinks this is because I still have feelings for him, so he just preens when I say it. Still, I'd rather put up with his daft preening than having to see more of him. I'm just scared that he will start the fight when I say it. I think it will get nasty if he does. I will have to prove that he is unfit and all sorts of things. I can prove it, but I worry what he will do when I do. Not physically as such, but mentally. HE thinks he is above the law and that will be difficult.

Well, thanks for letting me ramble on. It helps me get perspective. When I'm through this, I hope that I will be able to help others as they have helped me.

[Anonymous]

HE thinks he is above the law

Boy, does that sound familiar!!!  My ex will agree on something legal, sign the court document and hours later he is challenging me to change it to accomodate his needs.....and when I don't his lawyer starts spitting!
I have decided my lawyer is my boundary. It costs me plenty, but the peace of mind is priceless... She gets to fight....I don't like to. She is not have any history with my ex, so she can see this for what it he is all about (control) and she deals with him accordingly.

I think keeping a tight lip is good, but maybe getting a little muscle behind you is worth the peace of mind....you said you can prove he's a moron....but maybe a legal aide place could tell you better what exactly you may need to do that.

Good luck...stay strong.