Baby is here - now what?

[Cadbury]

This name stuff is so typically N! My ex won't even consider a double barrelled surname, because it has to be all his!!

Thanks so much for all your replies - it's like some kind of reassurance that it's not just me!!  Sorry if I don't respond to everything right now, but my beautiful baby is not a sleeper (bless his little heart) and I am so sleep deprived I can't really see straight!

Vunil - my ex has finally gotten back to us about contact and I'm waiting for my solicitor to arrange it. He has a conviction for child abduction of his other son so I did raise a query about whetehr he is allowed in the contact centre on the grounds of his conviction. I cannot remember what I have already posted so please forgive repitition! I think that has to be ironed out before it can all go ahead.

He keeps sending me text messages asking about our son and slipping some other comment in at the same time. I am doing a fantastic job so far of just responding in a very plain "A is fine. He does not sleep. He eats a lot" and nothing more. As far as I can work out, he is a bit miffed that I have managed this for so long, but really if his son is his only interest then that should be fine. I still spend many happy hours imaging winning enough money to buy him out of my life!! I wish!

Hope everyone is well and doing happy things. I am okay, just desperately missing sleep and typing on here without bouncing a baby on my knee!!

[miaxo]

Hope you win the lottery. 

[Cadbury]

Mia - so do I!

On my worst days I try to decide between money to pay him off and allow me to adopt our son (so he cannot contact us until our son is 18) and paying a hit man...... I'm only half joking! 

[mum]

The hit man would work out better....also half joking

[Brigid]

Cadbury,
Give those sweet cheeks a kiss for me (the baby's, not yours).    I vote for the hit man too.  Sending you prayers for strength and a good night's sleep.

Hugs,

Brigid

[October]

I am okay, just desperately missing sleep and typing on here without bouncing a baby on my knee!!

How old is baby now; can you start on baby rice to help with sleeping through the night or is it too soon?  My daughter was a very hungry baby, and it took a long time to settle her through the night.  10 years I think it was.   

[Cadbury]

Thank you everyone!

*A* is 11 weeks old now and although the health visitor recommend 6 months before weaning, he is going to be weaned in 5 weeks. He is so big I don't think he would last that long. My two daughters were weaned at that age (it's a recent change) and they were fine, so the end (I hope) is in sight. He feeds every two hours day and night at the moment and I am shattered so I have to wean him soon, or collapse of exhaustion!

He has beautiful little fat cheeks and I kiss them daily!!

My ex was on yahoo yesterday and being abusive as usual. I have made a decision to answer anything about *A* and ignore everything else. After almost an hour of him abusing my family and explaining why what he does is justified, (sat on my hands to ignore all that!), he then asked about *A*. I have copied this and it is so classic, I had to laugh:


M:-How much does he weigh now, is he crawling, can he grasp toys, do you play my voice for him in his bear?
M:- what does he look like
M:- have you sebnt some photos to my sister
M:- can he sit up
M:- are you feeding him anything solid yet
M:- bit early for that sorry
M:- does he look like me
me :-no
M:- no to what
me:- no solids yet, doesn't look like you. Yes, sent photos to your sister.
M:- he doesn't look like me?
me:-no, not that I can see
M:- perhaps you have forgotten what I look like
me:- No, he just doesn't look like you. He looks like Sarah, alomst exactly
M:-That's not reassuring,


Oh how his ego must have hurt!! *A* doesn't look like me either, but I am not worried!

We are still waiting for the date of contact so I will update when I can. I haven't been around this board much as I am so exhausted, so I apologise for not being any help to anyone, I will be better soon! Take care everyone.

[Cadbury]

He is online now and wants to talk. No matter how much I tell myself that it is pointless trying to talk to him - the urge to try and tell him what I am feeling is intense. I still think I could get him to empathise. I have to learn it is useless. I will feel so crap if I do, yet... there he is writing crap and I am finding it harder to ignore.....
AHHHHH I hate the way he still affects me with his s**t. Help me resist!!

[OR]

BUTTON..............PUSH THE BUTTON................HE IS PUSHHHHHHHHHHHHING THE BUTTONS.
DON'T RESPOND........WRITE SOMETHING BUT DELETE IT AND TALK A WALK GET AWAY FOR AWHILE.

there he is writing crap and I am finding it harder to ignore

He will write what he wants and making you jump at what he is saying shows the control he wants.
He will lie and laugh all the way how he knows it will upset you...........laugh at him, sit back and watch what happens when you ignore him.

I just read some letters my H sent our D, telling her crap how Im keeping her from writing him, taking the stamps so she can't mail the letters........how dumb....the stamps are already on the envelopes he sent.

He made up a song how Im abusing him and he has no self-esteam because of me, LA LA LA
telling her lies then saying to her to write him back about coming to live with him in CA.

I making copies of the letters to show the court how he tells her negative stuff.
You can copy this crap he is writing and show it to the mediators.

Stay strong and the pain to communicate with him will pass..............OR

OR

[vunil]

I love how firm you are-- "no he doesn't look like you"--!

I hope you did resist chatting with him.  I think you know what to expect from him by now.

Poor guy.  He will never know the true joy of parenthood the way you know it.  It will always be about him.

[mum]

Cadbury, I must tell you this tale. 

I too, thought if I just told my ex:
 how bad I felt, how what he was doing to prevent me from having a life was hurting me, how horrible I thought he was for doing this, how he knew damn well that the kids would be fine if they moved with me, etc etc etc.
that some how this would alleviate my pain, or maybe even cause him to change his mind..(after all, maybe he WAS a nice guy).

So I took the opportunity of a mediation session to do just that.  It started out okay, as he seemed to be listening, etc (puts on the good show for the mediator). But the strange thing was, that once I started, there was no stopping me. The pent up rage just came flying out, faster and faster, until I was out of control with anger. The mediator asked him to step out of the room and asked me if I was in therapy....for anger!  She had NO idea what abuse I had taken from this man, and it didn't matter.....she told me that if any of that rage had spilled out in court...well NO WONDER I lost my case!

Let me tell you, I was thrown into the bowels of hell in my mind after that incident. It was what pushed me into the final depths of my pain, and I am thankful for it, now.  At the time, I wanted to die, as it drove home how utterly heartless this man is, and how commited he was to hurting me and taking pleasure in it. And I had opened up completely and let him know how very well he was doing that job.
 I am certain he laughed all the way home and he and his wife had a few drinks celebrating my pain. No doubt about it.

But the bottom line is this: HE didn't deserve my rage, my feelings, as he had NO pity, empathy, remorse, etc.
So I caution you, save the rage for a therapist, good friend, etc.....and don't bother sharing it with him. He won't do with it what a real man would (care).

[Cadbury]

Well, all your advice was excellent. I listened to every word and then he pushed one button too many and I responded. I told him I did not believe a word he was saying about anything. This sent him mad, after all - his word is law! He then messaged me a few days later and, after some rambling that obviously blamed me for what was about to follow, he told me that he had contacted social services about his concerns. His concerns are that my family will abuse my children as they abused me. Perfectly valid concerns, except ... my parents never abused me. Really that's the only thing stopping him being a naturally concerned parent. After all, what's a little truth to a Narcissist?

Well, yesterday, social services and a police officer came to my house to question me about his allegations. I had to defend my father from being a child abuser. He even told them about sexual fantasies I (allegedly) had that all (apparently) go to show how abused I must have been. He really seems to be escalating. He has just messaged me on yahoo and I have told him I will only respond to questions he may have about our son. He still couldn't keep to that, so I have now told him that he will have to write me an email if he has any questions and I will answer when I can.


Apparently he has been to see his solicitor about mediation. I haven't heard anything about that yet, so I'm waiting for it. My problem is: I am genuinely now too frightened to be the same room as him. I shake when I see him post a message. I know I can refuse to go to mediation, but then I will look like I am the unreasonable one. How do I deal with this? Do I put myself through a really frightening experience, just to look good in court? Do I explain that I find him too frightening and intimidating to speak to?

It just doesn't seem to end. He will be able to hurt me for ever, all because I couldn't bear the thought of an abortion. If I had I would never have to suffer him again, but then I wouldn't have my darling, beautiful precious little boy. I don't mean anything by these thoughts really, just kind of getting them out.

Thank you everyone.

[onlyrenting]

Cadbury. I only have a moment, on my way to work

I know the shaking you feel when you read his e-mails, Im glad you told him he's a liar.
I'm sorry about the police asking about your family abuse.

My husband is planning to tell lies about me too. I am able to call in by phone, if somehow you can find out if this is an option with the courts it may help.

I was thinking about you, wondered how you were.

Talk later  OR 

[Cadbury]

Thanks OR for responding.

I hadn't thought about phone contact. As long as I don't have to speak directly to him, that may help. Thank you, I will look into it ...

[Sela]

Hi Cadbury:

So far, you have done a wonderful job of standing up to this dork.  You have resisted whatever urges you have had to try to reason/explain/express to him, most of the time.  This recent button pushing session is just a bump in the road to success.   I bet you have learned more about how useless it is to try to communicate with him and so it will stick in your mind for next time, and hopefully help you resist his button pushing attempt.

Try to think of yourself as getting mentally stronger and stronger.  I know the sleep deprivation has a huge impact on it all.  Did that too and it's tough.  But that doesn't mean you are weak, just mostly tired.  You can be strong in your mind and stubborn about staying that way.

If you must face this ding dong in court/mediation/whatever......maybe it would help to have a plan?

Things like:

What you will do with your eyes
What you will say with your posture
Where you will place yourself in the room
Who you will bring with you for support
What you will say (what information you want presented)
How you will respond to his insane lies
What you will do for yourself, to help soothe you, afterward

Just some ideas in case it becomes necessary.    ((((((((((Cadbury)))))))))

Sela