Hi all! I've been gone for longer than planned and many things have happened. I hardly know where to start, but I think I'll start with what happened when the in laws came to visit. Oh well, when I first discovered the N-word and realized that this was what's wrong with my mother, I said to my fiancé that it sounded a lot like his father. F said that is father wasn't like my mother but agreed that he had some N traits. After that we didn't talk much more on the subject until his parents came to visit.... (Insert twilight zone-music here.) Probably because he was in a situation where he wasn't in control, dear FIL became super N. Not a pleasant five days I can tell you, involving everything from incessant complaining about everything (including implying that F used the "wrong" kind of vinegar for the sallad dressing on purpose just to get at him) and such charming statements as since he already has a granddaughter, he would prefer our child to be a boy, oh, and calling me an idiot, in a language I don't speak, while speaking to my F. F had four huge fights with him in five days.... I tried to stay out of them, but I couldn't all the time.
Anyway, after the first night (and the first fight), my F turned to me and said "Oh my God, he is completely N, he is exactly like your mother!" And over the next few days we would talk after his parents went to bed. The nightmare of these five days turned out to be a positive thing... I don't mean bcause we could agree on a "label" for FIL, but because F understood something he has never understood before... I suppose he came out of denial. He has always known that his father is "a pain", and also knows that he has picked up bad traits from him (which he has worked hard at changing), but somehow it feels like such a relief that he finally gets the width of it... I suppose part of it is feeling validated, since I saw that his father was N, but didn't want to push this on him (his father, his business, I reasoned) but also a huge relief that he has the
ability to see this, a willingness to see things as they are rather than pretending everything is fine. We have become even closer now and it's a great feeling.
He in fact suggested that I write about his dad here, and he sends his love to you all (well, I've talked about you guys for months now), I said that he could go on the board if he wanted to, there is nothing here that he doesn't know, but expressing himself in writing isn't really his thing...
Anyway, just wanted to share... Take care and talk to you all soon.
