Hi guys this is Bloopsy. I am just writing to take some of the power awway from the pig parent voice inside of me that is always critisizing me for being so scared as I am and I feel like I have every right to be just as scared as I am and that if anyone doesn't like it they can go to hell. I feel very afraid most of all that I am to be abandoned by myself again and the scary feeling that I never learned to be there for mysaelf and stuff.. Also the critical pig head in me uses everything against me so I am also afraid to really look at anything. Big Bridget, the oldest of us, is not very strong and I think that we are all frozen. I hear the critical voice and it is saying why can't you just blah blah blah. I feel like I am being pounded over the head every time I come up for air and guess what it makes me scared angry and terrified. Every time we feel abandoned the fozen fear gets to be more. I admit that I thought that I could be "strong". and go on and try to have relationships with my family and with other people but I don't really think that I can do that so well so much. Also, every time that I think I "have to " give up coffe and cigarettes, I get really scared and only drink and smoke them more. It doesn'tr work to shame myself I am not a monster so much as I am scared out of my mind with all of theese things coming to fly and land on my head. And it makes it really confusing because of the pig parent inside of me who always wants to say, but it's your fault really, isn't it? I am flailing around inside my heart waving a white flag but think that it is getting so scary when my imagination makes athe white flag covered in blood. Last night I woke up and got to feeling like my mom was standing over me with a butcher knife, and I don't know if it was the mother voice inside me or if that is a real fear from growing up with my mom, how it felt to be around her knowing she was not there for me. I was really scared and I wanted to talk to someone but I din't do that. I was trying to " be strong". But in my heart I know that that is not strength it is emotional violence aganst myself to be so scared and to tell myself that I have to be strong, because that soesn't mean anything to me except "disapear" . Another thing the pig parent whatever, I think I will just go ahead and call it the perpetrator within because that is how it feels like to me, and someti mes these days I feel like my life is flashing in front of my eyes. Iam sorry that this is so gory and anyone who is gored out I am sorry. I am very afraid and remembered that I went to a psychic and he told me that he saw blood and knives in my future. Part of me just wants to say then well that's the way it is we can just accept it for now. But I heard that if you don't like what a psychic says you can change your fate and destiny. I wonder if it is good just to say well that is the way that it was. Masybe then it won't have so much power? That ok, it's true that things were that bad and felt that bad and still do. I am sorry if this is what it is which is a not so niuce thing to read but that is the way it is for now so that is what is true inside? My pig parent inner perpetrator is very rejecting and rejects me at every turn. in the road that comes by. Big Bridget tries to intervene but she is not so strong as all that. Sometimes it seems very dark. Anything negative it wants to throw at me and I feel like it is written all over my body and all over my hear and soul. I admit to being very scared since I remembered aboput my dad hurting me because I know that I was seeking him out in other people currently and that he was my heroe, also that he was my angel and higher power. In the incest survivors pamphlet that I have it says athat we all do that. This is a long post I know. Just thinking that maybe that if I say maybe that I disowned myself onto him? That it felt like I had to? Well no matter the reason that is what I did. Thank you for being here this is helping me to talk myself down from that cliff I think maybe it is an inner cliff. What other kind of cliff would it be. One time I was waking up a cliff with my friends, knowing that it was dangerous, and kept dropping our supplies down the ravine so that I wouldn't drop off the cliff and go splat. Like, there goes the water, there goes the whatever. Is it true that a lot of people would kind of go hysterical being so scared? It seems to me like it is pretty normal. I hate it. what a ripoff. I feel so alone and my friends are graduating from schooll and getting jobs and I feel like I am sitting alone in a cave. Sorry if that sounds over dramatic. I think that I am dropping piece by peice down the cliff because it is hard for me to carry everything and remember anything. Please can no one say anything mean or shaming about this post?
