Newby

[Duped]

Hello everyone!  It is sad;but, I am thankful that I am not the only person who has been suckered.  Your forum has really helped me understand what just happened to me and that I am not crazy.

I have been involved with an N for the past nine years of which 4 of them were in marriage.  I can't believe I just wasted 9 years of my life.  I met this outgoing, charming young lady at the health club while I ran a pro-shop/exercise consulting business.  She was very attractive and very bright.  She was a Polish imigrant who really wanted to improve herself.  I began helping her while keeping a professional distance.  Over a 6 month period she made it very obvious that she was interested in a relationship.  I invited her to a Christmas party and the rest is history.

There were some warning signs early on which I foolishly ignored.  She became very possessive of me almost immediately.  I found it endearing as I was older and had dated enough that I had no interest in dating other people.  I just chalked it up to immaturity and I made sure that I did nothing to make her feel jealous or insecure.

Soon I noticed that she was very sensitive and did not like any kind of joking or playfulness.  I refrained from these activities.  My two brothers and a sister are relatively successful and don't hesitate to let you know if they disagree with someone's opinion.  It took only one or two get togethers before I realized I had to keep her away from my family.  She picked a fight with every one of them and said she hated them.  The only thing they did was to disagree with her opinion on something.

I helped her through college by assisting her with papers and projects because she was English second language.  Along with being exceptionally attractive and fit; I soon found she was exceptionally intelligent.  Her lowest grades in four years at Penn State were 2 A-.  Wow, I thought I was very lucky.  She was pushing to get married while she was in college  which was foolish because her education was being paid for.  I agreed to marry her right after graduation.  She immediately wantedo have a child but I wanted to just enjoy us for awhile.

She landed a very good job and I had used my college education to go back into the business world because she wanted me out of health & fitness due to the women.  I was okay with that and thought we had a very bright future together.  I noticed she would take things I would say and twist them into something negative which would consequently cause an argument.    Over time she started to eat away at my confidence by complaining about anything I did as not being correct or good enough.  She was an absolute perfectionist who had exceptional artistic ability. Our home looked like a show case and I wasn't allowed to eat in the formal dining room because I might get something on the table cloth.

I was walking on eggshells in my own home because I was afraid to talk for fear of saying something wrong.  We were doing well financially so we decided I would take a lower paying job to learn how to build houses so we could begin our own home building business.  As soon as I became dependent on her that is when things got crazy.  She started telling me that I was a blood sucker and she had no respect for me.  I put up with this  for about 6 months and I had to leave.  It is like she never cared about me and just forgot the 10years we spent together.  I know she found someone who makes more money and does exactly what she wants when she wants .  She has filed for divorce and I feel like what I thought was my entire life, was just ripped out from under me and she is just going on happy like nothing ever happened.   She has threatened me and subjected me to verbal abuse because she doesn't feel I deserve anything.

She told me that she would continue to have affairs if we stayed together because I could never meet all of her needs.  I know about somatic and cerebral N's; however, it appears I had both.  She was very attractive, very intelligent, and very creative (artistic).  I never met anyone that had so much going for them.  As soon as she began her career it just took off for her.  It is like everything she touches turns to gold for her.  Her family won't talke to her anymore because she turned against them as soon as she got her college education.  She just appears to use people and then just move on to the next level.  She is miserable to be around if you are close to her; but, she is a real charmer to strangers and people who have something she wants.

Is my wife an N?

[Stormchild]

Hello Duped,

Longtire and mudpuppy, being gents themselves, will probably talk to you from a very helpful perspective, but I'm here now and feeling brave so I'll take the plunge.

Do consider reading Longtire's thread, if you haven't already - it should be some comfort to you.

It sounds as though you were conned by a predator, more than a little bit. Narcissism would certainly be one possibility.

With narcissism, there's a lot of grandiosity. What you describe sure sounds grandiose to me.

And no empathy, no slightest capacity for it. Don't see much of that here, either.

I'm so sorry.

Please don't blame yourself. Predators have to be highly intelligent. They can be very beautiful and extremely graceful, and the whole point of predation is to make sure the prey never suspects what is really going on. It's hard to believe any human being would do that to any other human being, until we've been through it, or seen it happen to someone we know. Even then, sometimes, it can be almost impossible to believe it.

And we grow up being told that the beautiful are always good. Better. Prizes. If we catch one, we win.

Sometimes, people take horrible advantage of that belief. Not your fault. Sometimes, the beautiful really are beautiful all the way through. Who wouldn't be drawn to a person like that, if you believe that's who they are?

Others here will have more insight and help to offer you -

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the reply.  I started getting real suspicious when she became so angry about spending any time working on my motorcycle or working from home on my lap top.  She tried to isolate me from my family and friends.   The sad part is that I had read Scott Peck's, People of the Lie several years before I met her.  By the time I realized what was happening,  I was in way to deep and just tried to deny what was going on.  I have been separated since January and I am just starting to feel semi-normal (not waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding out of my chest).  I actually blamed myself for everything because I did continue to talk to friends & family and ride my motorcycle with friends once a week.  I thought if I would have just done everything she wanted, I wouldn't be in this position.  I realize now that she never would have been satisfied.

It all makes sense after looking at her past.  When she was 6 her mother divorced her father,  when she was 8 she witnessed her father being killed in a street fight, when she was 10 her mother left her with her Grandmother so she could come to the U.S. to make a better life for her and didn't see her for 18 months.  She was abandoned over and over.  Everytime I would go do something on my own I was making her feel abandoned all over again and I didn't even know it.  I don't think she knew why she was so angry at me.  As a result of all of this she trusts no one and will never have a healthy relationship until she realizes the root cause of her problem.  She acts very loving but it isn't real because she can just cut someone off in a second and not look back.

[mum]

Hi! It sounds like you have done a good job identifying what is going on for you.  You don't sound "duped" any longer.
It's hard to lose a dream.  It's hard to realize you've been conned. What I found was that my ex had a way of making me doubt everything I did or even thought.  He actually convinced me I was nuts and that his affairs were all my fault.  I bought it for quite some time.
 Congratulations for looking this square in the eye and trying to figure it out.  It's very brave.
I'm sorry your wife is such a loser.  Hard to think that way, I know....my exN "looks" pretty good, until you look deeply.  But who wants a shallow marriage?
Best to you.

[Newby]

I also felt very confused and started seaching for answers as she was convincing me that I caused all of the problems and I was sick.  I am just glad that I did not give in to the demand for a child.  I knew deep down that there was something very wrong and she did not exhibit motherly(nurturing) qualities.  The problem now is that I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anyone again.  This is just a horrible experience and I truly feel for all of you.  One thing this experience has given me is the ability to empathize with hurting people on a much deeper level.  I guess this is actually going to make me a better person if I can get over the fear of loving again.

[mum]

If the thought of getting close to someone again scares the geepers out of you....that's a good thing. Right now you are guarded for a reason.
You are where you are, that's all.  Enjoy getting to know yourself without worrying about any body else's issues.  
 You won't be feeling this way forever.  When you heal, you'll see....there are great people out there.  In the meantime....don't worry about the future or the past.  Just be happy....and count those blessings about not having children with this person!!!!

[Newby]

It is very painful to let go of what might have been if she could have just relaxed and enjoyed life.  My life has been turned upside down for no good reason.  I said that I never looked for someone else to make me happy.  I just wanted someone who wouldn't make me miserable.  I believe we have to find happiness within ourselves.  She was always looking for someone else to make her happy and fill all of her needs.

[jophil]

I am a guy and I can empathize with you in your grief and hurt. You have been the target of a deliberate campaign of deception and abuse. Predation is the precise word which fits your experience with this Polish piece of work..Many times we men take women on face value .If she looks good, she must be good. I have learned how to TEST their sincerity ( up to a point) and  have no problem in testing and being cautious because there are women like your Polish 'friend' who will exploit you mercilessly for their own advantage.
Please stay connected to this forum for as long as you need to ..
John.

[OR]

Newby, I will write more later but wanted to chime in

I have been duped too. My thoughts now are how I had 28 yrs of manipulation, got sucked into the charm and sweetness over and over.

I had red flags but the isolation, being young with little family support led me to believe I was needed and helping someone who was hurting.

You are in a good place to learn from people that lived the nitemare.

Talk later OR

[daylily]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  I'm not a man, and I haven't experienced  this in my life, but I wanted you to know that I was touched by your story and I'm pulling for you.  Please let us get to know you.

best,
daylily

[Newby]

It is nice to have support. I was always a pretty happy person; but, now I feel no joy in life.  I allowed her to become my life and now I feel like I have nothing. She just moved on and appears to be very happy. She calls once in a while if  she has a question on operating something at the house and treats me like I am some sort of acquaintance. She says she hates the lawn tractor and there is nothing wrong with it except it requires reading the manual to learn to operate it.  Because she can't figure it out
there is something wrong with the tractor.   She takes no responsibility for any difficulty she encounters.  The blame is always shifted to the other person.  If she is not waited on quickly enough at a store, she will get smart with the cashier.  She feels that she is so special that she can do whatever she wants without consequences.  So far this seems to be the case for her.  She feels God is continually blessing her while she lives above his laws.  She may fall very hard at some point if we reap what we sow.

[longtire]

Hi Newby (Duped no more?)!  You are welcome here.  Oh boy, as I read your comments my gut started twisting.  This sounds sooooo familiar to me.

I have been married to my wife for 17 years and recently figured out what was going on and moved out.  I also ignored the signs and then ignored the ongoing actions for a long, long time.  If you want the gory details look at my "long, long story" thread.  I haven't posted on it in a while so you may have to search for it since it will be further down the list.

My wife was very possessive of me even before we dated.  She loved to poke fun at others but had NO sense of humor to laugh at herself.  She was pushing to get married while I was still in college and repeatedly talked about really wanting to have a baby every time she saw one.  She also twisted things that she or I said into something that made her look better.  She was constantly telling me that I wasn't doing enough to support her, but when I asked for some support she told me she couldn't because I hadn't been supporting her "enough."  She has a social front that is very outgoing and center of attention.  In private with me, though, it was a different story.  She could never understand why I might want to spend some time with friends or working on a hobby.  She often nagged and complained about my doing this.  It was like she couldn't believe that she wasn't the be all and end all of the world.  My wife was emotionally abused by her mother and totally smothered/overrun throughout childhood.  She was not allowed to be herself and was not valued for herself.  Not physical, but deep emotional abandonment in that way.  Her favorite saying is "That didn't happen!" when I want to talk about something she has done.  She told me many times that she was "perfectly fine and can have a relationship with anyone.  You're the one who brought ALL the problems to our marriage."

I have come to believe that my wife has some N traits, but is far stronger with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (SWOE) by Mason & Kreger?  It is written for the "non-BPD" in the relationship.  You can also checkout these websites:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/
http://www.bpdresources.com/

The joy WILL return.  The trust WILL return.  When you are ready.  You have already taken a big step toward that by posting here.  By getting support.  By learning that you are NOT alone in your situation or the reactions you have to it.  That is the life force in you moving in the right direction whether you were aware of it or not.

Like I said, you're post pushed a LOT of my buttons since there are so many similarities to my own situation.  Feel free to Private Message me if you'd like to talk further as well.  Keep posting and reading here!

[Newby]

Longtire,
Thank you for the reply. It is amasing how it could be hidden for so long.  It is funny you mentioned "Walking on Eggshells".  I picked it up Saturday and am overy half-way through it.  The book really points to my situation. The problem is that this situation has made me sick.  I started behaving like her.  I became insecure, paranoid, and afraid.  Now I have to get back to being the healthy person I was before I met her.  I actually feel sorry for her and want to help her but I know she needs to fall and then seek the help on her own.  I have been protecting her from mistakes the entire time, now I have to let go and think of myself.

[longtire]

Hi Newby.  I sort of think about my wife with BPD (and NPD) as "Typhoid Mary."  This is a disease that often affects the people around the "carrier" more than the carriers themselves.  Of course, the carriers ARE far more affected than they realize, and ARE far more affected than their targets.  However, the carriers very often seem to not notice, and blame the target for any effects they are actually aware of.

I also picked up a lot of the disease that I am working to shed.  The first thing I worked to get rid of was the verbal abuse that I was shooting back to her from a place of deep frustration and anger from not understanding what was going on.  For a long time I just thought she was a bad person.  Now I realize that she has a disease and is just not capable of being in touch with what the rest of us call reality.  That helps, but it is still work for me every day.  The good news is that I am making steady and quick (in hte big picture) recovery.  Even looking back 2 months, I am amazed at how far I have come already.  Just looking at each day it is hard to see the  progress, but looking back it is easier.

[Newby]

I am really upset that I spent 10 important years of my life with someone and may have missed my opportunity to have a family.  I am now 42yrs old and the dream of having a family looks hopeless. I have to accept the consequenses of falling for an attractive young lady pursuing me and making me feel like a king (for awhile).