Truth

[October]

now as to ifn
the thread founder needs rebuked
or does she sin and know it not

well no rebuke
..just helpful instruction
and if then she makes the same mistake...
THE WRATH OF KHAN INDEEDY

Whether or not I 'need' rebuke is not for you to say.  Only God has the right to judge me, and you are not God.

Please take your 'helpful instruction' and stick it up your jumper.  Thank you.  

[October]

October, are you ok, do u want to talk, u have always been there for me and helped me a lot with my thoughts, now i feel u r hurting  

Thanks, Denise.  Yes, I am ok, in that I will keep going, and I will muddle through somehow.  Just in a bit of a bad patch at present.  But perhaps that means that things will improve soon.  Who knows??  

How are you today?  I know the dreaded weekend is almost upon us again - keep posting about how you are doing, won't you??

[October]

Truth / reality / are necessarily subjective, I think.

This is true.  ( ).  And there are some things that we cannot know the truth of.  But there are others where people who ought to be able to see what we can see, for some reason do not, or cannot, or will not.  Whatever the reason.  And they distort reality.  Not just subjectively, but even in an objective sense.

I am very suggestible, and it takes me a long time to fight back from this kind of topsy turvy thinking.  And it is exhausting.  
 

October, a more precise question from your T would have been:

Do you really believe that? Is that your truth?
and then

Do you really believe that other people think that too?

If she had asked this, then I would have said, no that is not my reality.
 

Then I would have said, it is not the reality of everyone, but of most people that I meet, most of the time.  So much so, that the voice of reason is drowned out, and I lose touch with what reality is.  Or maybe I wouldn't have said that, but I might have eventually worked it out.

But even this t doesn't want the truth, does she?  She needs me to protect her from the truth that I cannnot cope for three weeks without support.  And I protect her by coping with what cannot be coped with.  I become the keystone, when I am actually the weaker of the two.

This is like C at school.  I took her out because all the coping was borne by her, when she was already unwell.  I transferred the coping to me, the LEA, her tutor, the school; anyone but her, so that she could recover.  But this is not anyone's 'truth' but mine, seemingly.  

Trying to be stronger.  It may be nobody's truth but mine, but my truth is the one that is happening; I am the one that counts.  Makes me strong, even though not strong, if that makes any sense.  Others can have their opinions, but I am the mother.      

Thanks everyone for your help.  Much appreciated, as ever.  (((Hugs)))

[mudpuppy]

Please take your 'helpful instruction' and stick it up your jumper. Thank you.

Bravo, October! (cheering emoticons here please.)

mudpup

[mudpuppy]

Hi October,

I really really don't want this to happen, but am having to listen to C and give her opinion the same weight as my own - maybe more because it would be for her benefit. But it is soooo hard to even think about. I said I would take her to his flat, but she wants him to visit here, which means another overnight stay. I can't bear the thought, after the last time.

I don't give my daughter's opinion the same weight as my own. She's a kid. Kids sometimes want things that aren't in their best interests.
I can't see how it could be in C's best interests to have an episode like the last one that occured when your ex stayed over.
As I recall, you said he would NEVER stay over again. I hope you can stick to your guns and do what is in C's and your best interest.
I also hope you keep your boundaries in place.
I hope the weekend goes well for you, and I hope i didn't sound like an old scold.

mud

PS. I think there is objective truth. I think our perceptions of that truth are often subjective, but that doesn't alter the underlying objective truth we are observing.

[Anonymous]

Hi October:

I'm with Mud regarding best interests.

If your father thinks his ex-son-in-law should be sooooo very welcomed, let him welcome him, in his home.

He can stay there with gold old x-dad in law.  Why not?

Visit in public.  Sleep at ex daddy's house.  See how lovely that will turn out.      

GFN

[Anonymous]

Sorry I didn't know the context of the conversation between you and t--i.e., that it was about the school. You can stay home if you want, but why would you. Who cares about these people and their perception. They can go to hell.

As for your t, I would just tell her: "You abandoned me and I'm not going to answer your stupida** questions until we straighten out this relationship. I don't trust you."

But that's me.

bunny

[Anonymous]

I'm with mud. I would NOT give a teenager's opinion equal weight. No way, Jose. Keep this guy out of your house. She'll get over it.

bunny

[Formerly Guest2]

I'm with mud. I would NOT give a teenager's opinion equal weight. No way, Jose. Keep this guy out of your house. She'll get over it.
bunny

Me three.  You are not obligated to offer shelter, are you?  So don't.
Also, sometimes people just don't understand the things you do to protect your child or to meet their special needs.  If your daughter is at school in pain, I have a hard time seeing the benefit.   She can learn geometry later, but now is the time she is learning how to manage in life.  How to manage, is not to ignore your body and yourself to meet the expectations of others.

[Anonymous]

But to hear again this week that I am once again being threatened with prosecution and jail for doing what I have in relation to her health is rather difficult to live with. ... But how do you postive think court action away?

October, I think this is probably a bluff and a form of coercion to get you to back down.  It's not pleasant to deal.  I think you said the appropriate thing:

I said, that is your choice, if you want to go ahead. But if you do I can only tell the judge the same as I am telling you; that I will not send my child to school while she has chronic pain which the doctors are unable to control, and while the school environment makes this pain worse for her.

Now you are just going to have to wait and see what they do ... if they take you to court, you already know what you are going to say.  Hopefully it won't come to that, if it does you will cross that bridge when and if you have to.

The other problem at present is that X wants to visit again, and daughter wants him to. I really really don't want this to happen, but am having to listen to C and give her opinion the same weight as my own - maybe more because it would be for her benefit. But it is soooo hard to even think about. I said I would take her to his flat, but she wants him to visit here, which means another overnight stay. I can't bear the thought, after the last time.

And she mentioned it at my parents' house yesterday, and dad said, what, you are not thinking of stopping him coming, are you? And I said, too right I am. (Dad always identifies with X (the man) on this. Never with me, whatever X does.)

This is so hard. Before it was me against the world for C and myself. Now even she is on the other side. Makes it difficult. Doesn't make me wrong, or what I think untrue. Makes me more isolated, though.

So, after listening to C, I spoke to X, and said I need three good reasons why he should be allowed to visit, and they had all better be about C. He said 'I want to see her', and 'I miss her'. He can't even see the difference. I said for him to think about it and try to see things from her point of view rather than his own. Next thing that will happen, if he is true to pattern, will be a letter from his solicitors complaining that I have refused access.

What is true in all of this?

Maybe she doesn't want to go to his flat because she doesn't want to be alone with him.  Maybe you can talk to her and find out if this is what is going on with her concerning this.  I think you need to let her know why it isn't wise or reasonable to have him stay in your home.  Maybe you both can go and stay at his flat if that is possible.  That way she won't be alone with him and you two can leave if there is a problem.    

I totally agree that he shouldn't be in your home.  I don't think it is unreasonable for you to inform him in writing (a letter he must sign for, and at the same time send a copy to your solicitor to put in your file, if you don't have a solicitor then send a copy to his solicitor) that he will have to find somewhere else to stay when he comes to visit and give a rehash of what happened the last time he stayed at your home.  Or maybe have your solicitor send such a letter to his solicitor.  This will protect you against charges of refusing access.  I love the idea of having him stay at your Dad's .  If nothing else he can find a hotel or hostel to stay at, he isn't a child, although he acts like one.

Where does my reality become visible for anyone else?

I think what you are really asking here is where does your reality become visible for EVERYONE else?  I don't think that ever happens October.  I think that's one of those (objective) TRUTHS that we have to learn to live with.

LM

[mum]

Hey, October.  regarding your ex's visit:

I would echo others who have said, DO NOT let the man stay in your house.  He can see your daughter, take her to dinner, take her to breakfast... You are NOT denying access.  You are not allowing an alcoholic wiht a pretty bad recent track record, to sleep at your house.  That's all.  Let your dad who thinks he knows how it will be just fine.....have him as his guest.

I agree that you should immediately document his request, your agreement to let him see your daughter, your TERMS of that visit and WHY (last time crisis).  All of this is a pain, I know, when what you would like best is to have it all go away, but I deal with this stuff daily, and documentation, to your lawyer with instructions to share with his lawyer will protect you in the long run.   Money well spent.  If you can't afford the lawyer route, just do it yourself, use certified mail, so you get his signature on the reciept of the letter and file it for future use.  
You are protecting your child.  Plain and simple.

Regarding your daughter and her school:
In the states, children can be "home schooled". Do you have such a thing where you are?  I know many parents who, for medical, social or religious reasons, have home schooled thier children. As long as you are in a position to teach her, or find ways to have her learn, there are curriculums and lessons and support all over the internet to help people do this.  Can you look into this?
I am sorry, and I do know, first hand as a public school teacher, how very unsympathetic the educational establishment is toward children with ANY special circumstances....the old, "everyone can fit into this mold, dammit, and we'll see to it!!!!"
You need to take care of your child....again, plain and simple.

[mum as guest]

October: forgot to add additional voice to the idea: Do NOT let your daughter go to his flat for an overnight visit.  Your daughter has valid reasons for not wanting this.  Spell that out in your letter, too.  This man is a danger to himself and your daughter and in no way has demonstrated that he is in any shape to parent responsibly.

[rebukin]

now oct did say..
Whether or not I 'need' rebuke is not for you to say. Only God has the right to judge me, and you are not God

NOW IS REBUKIN NECESSARILY JUDGIN
luke 17:3
has jesus sayin, somethin like
ifn your brother sins against u
rebuke him
and when he repents
forgive him
WHICH WAS A GRIEVOUS THORN IN MY FLESH
AS MY SISTER WHILST I WWERE YOUNG DID SAY
WE CAN REBUKE U COZ U B OUR BRO
BUT U CANT REBUKE US
COZ WE B YOUR SISTERS

MAYBE THAT IS WHAT WAS BEING REFERRED TO

[October]

I don't give my daughter's opinion the same weight as my own. She's a kid. Kids sometimes want things that aren't in their best interests.
I can't see how it could be in C's best interests to have an episode like the last one that occured when your ex stayed over.
As I recall, you said he would NEVER stay over again. I hope you can stick to your guns and do what is in C's and your best interest.
I also hope you keep your boundaries in place.

You are right.  Kids sometimes want things that are not in their best interests.  And parents sometimes don't listen to their kids.  It is hard to find the balance.  I never ever want him here again, that is for sure.  Never.  But if C does, then I have to take that into account.  

My boundaries are rather fragile at the best of times.  Will discuss with t tomorrow.  Maybe she will help me find a way through all this mess.

[Stormchild]

((((((((((October))))))))))

Good luck with your t. After reading through the posts I'd be leaning towards the idea several people here have floated, of having XN stay with Daddy Dearest - and letting your daughter spend days there but not overnights... depending on the travel time.

that seems to be the most constructive & protective approach. But if even that isn't entirely safe for her...

You poor thing.

Thank God she's a good kid, and has you in her life.