Truth

[October]

Hi October:

I'm with Mud regarding best interests.

If your father thinks his ex-son-in-law should be sooooo very welcomed, let him welcome him, in his home.

He can stay there with gold old x-dad in law.  Why not?

Visit in public.  Sleep at ex daddy's house.  See how lovely that will turn out.      

GFN

I know you are joking, but why not?  As you say, that would make sense if dad and X are the same person.  However, my parents will not do this for me (I asked years ago, when I first faced problems of handover and access).  My Nmum hates the mention of Xs name, and is very angry at him for what he did to her.  (Incidentally, he never did anything at all to her.)  Her anger is so strong that she cannot ever see him again, not even to save me or C from being hurt.  Neither would my brother, who is similarly angry, same reason.  

Ns are something else, aren't they?  But you are right, in a normal, human world, this could be possible, strangely enough.  I don't even want him in a hotel or anywhere, really.  I want him never to visit anywhere near this house ever again.  

[October]

Sorry I didn't know the context of the conversation between you and t--i.e., that it was about the school. You can stay home if you want, but why would you. Who cares about these people and their perception. They can go to hell.

As for your t, I would just tell her: "You abandoned me and I'm not going to answer your stupida** questions until we straighten out this relationship. I don't trust you."

But that's me.

bunny

Well, it wasn't, really.  The t was Monday, the school was Wednesday.  But it all kind of follows the same pattern, no doubt of my own creation, but it is weird how it keeps on happening.  I think I am insane.

I don't think you were wrong, Bun.  But it is like being Alice in Wonderland.  If you are the only sane person you can find, what is the difference from being mad???????

[October]

I'm with mud. I would NOT give a teenager's opinion equal weight. No way, Jose. Keep this guy out of your house. She'll get over it.

bunny

I think I will print that out and stick it on my fridge.  What about her trips to get an icecream with her dad to the same place, that she says she wants?  Tell her to find somewhere near her dad's flat instead?

Why on earth not?  Sounds sane to me.  

[October]

October, I think this is probably a bluff and a form of coercion to get you to back down.  It's not pleasant to deal.  I think you said the appropriate thing

Thank you.  In my saner moments I agree with this.  I think they are bullying me, in the hope that I will deregister my daughter from this school.  Either to another one, or to home education.  

They do not know I have already joined the UK home education group, which is called Education Otherwise, in order to find out exactly what the process is, and what my rights might be.  Makes it a little easier to face.  But among my friends and family, absolutely no-one thinks this is the right thing to do.  Mostly I am greeted with horror at the mention of doing this.  Not even my close (3D) friends can understand that this nightmare is not of my making, or that if I find a solution which they do not approve, but which is the only one I can find, that I will have to take it.  Everyone tells me my daughter needs a social life, as if I am newly arrived from Planet Zog.  

Now you are just going to have to wait and see what they do ... if they take you to court, you already know what you are going to say.  Hopefully it won't come to that, if it does you will cross that bridge when and if you have to.

I hope it doesn't.  But in our review meeting in four weeks time, I must remember to mention to them my profession, just in passing.  Public relations.  So far this has kept between the school, the MP and me.  One of these days I will take it to the papers too.  I dread that step, but I think they have more to lose than I do.  

I think you need to let her know why it isn't wise or reasonable to have him stay in your home.  Maybe you both can go and stay at his flat if that is possible.  That way she won't be alone with him and you two can leave if there is a problem.    

I have said we can both stay there if absolutely necessary.  But I can also drive down in the morning, come home in the evening.  We did that before, when we visited him in hospital.  Plenty of time, as far as I can see.  I would certainly not leave her alone with him overnight.  I used to do that, up until a year or so ago, and I used to stay elsewhere, with a friend, but I stopped when she told me she didn't feel safe alone with him.

[October]

Hey, October.  regarding your ex's visit:

I would echo others who have said, DO NOT let the man stay in your house.  He can see your daughter, take her to dinner, take her to breakfast... You are NOT denying access.  You are not allowing an alcoholic wiht a pretty bad recent track record, to sleep at your house.  That's all.  Let your dad who thinks he knows how it will be just fine.....have him as his guest.

Thanks.  I think that is unanimous.  Makes me stronger in knowing what I thought I knew before, but didn't quite.    

I agree that you should immediately document his request, your agreement to let him see your daughter, your TERMS of that visit and WHY (last time crisis).  

Thanks.  That is a good plan, and something I can do.  I need to take this into writing, and away from X talking to C to get her to persuade me to do what nobody else could.  I need to take control of this situation, and not abuse her as he is doing, by giving her adult responsibility.  I will get all Fiddler on the Roof and say 'I'm the momma!!'  

I know many parents who, for medical, social or religious reasons, have home schooled thier children. As long as you are in a position to teach her, or find ways to have her learn, there are curriculums and lessons and support all over the internet to help people do this.  Can you look into this?

Yes, UK law allows home schooling, without the need for anything formal such as the National Curriculum; that is left to the discretion of the parents as long as an education is provided.  But fortunately, there is no definition of what constitutes (or more importantly, does not constitute) an education.  So once I take the plunge into that scarey place, it is up to me.     I am finding out as much as I can, with a view to deciding before next September.  No point rushing it, when this year is almost over.  

Thanks for the clear thinking, all.  Clearer than I can achieve sometimes.  

[October]

Who cares about these people and their perception. They can go to hell.

As for your t, I would just tell her: "You abandoned me and I'm not going to answer your stupida** questions until we straighten out this relationship. I don't trust you."

But that's me.

bunny

I didn't read the second paragraph before.  I wonder if I could say that tomorrow?  Even write it down, in case the words get stuck??  

And I need to practice saying; 'Go to hell' to a lot of people, I think.       Could be fun.    So if everyone thinks one thing, Bunny, and you think the opposite, it is ok?  Have you ever been there?  Please tell me what it was like and how you coped with it??  (Not just Bunny, anyone).  I mean, I have lived with this for years, but it is difficult being so isolated from the mainstream, and having occasional moments of connection, but mostly being so alone.  Sorry.  Sounding self pitying. It is hard to find words that say what I mean without the whining tone.  I am not whining, just trying to understand.  

[Anonymous]

So if everyone thinks one thing, Bunny, and you think the opposite, it is ok?  Have you ever been there?  Please tell me what it was like and how you coped with it??

I am not really into arguing with people and defending my convictions. I think it is totally OK for me have an opposite view. I'm not interested in defending myself, or getting them to see my point. They can pound sand for all I care. Basically it's about not needing others to agree with you, and this doesn't make you crazy, bad or anything. I suppose this is about strengthening ego functions.

bunny

[Anonymous]

What about her trips to get an icecream with her dad to the same place, that she says she wants?  Tell her to find somewhere near her dad's flat instead?

You would let a raving alkie stay at your home so she can have ice cream? I don't think so. Print this out!  

Hang in there, you're doing good.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi October:

Hang in there, you're doing good.

Ditto.

Not only that, but another thing, you are under no obligation to be responsible for your x, for where he will stay, how he will get around, nothing!  He's a big boy and must look after himself.  If he wants to see his daughter, he will find a way there, find a place to stay, arrange to take her for ice cream or something equally enjoyable, and make his way back, no matter the hour, the distance or the difficulty.

It just sounds like the same old "do for me" crap that drips constantly from their addicted mouths.  "Poor me.....can't do yada" and we enable by picking up the pieces.

Don't do it October.  Let him deal for himself.  He should be helping you.  You're the one raising the child and doing most of the work!  You owe him nothing for her sake.

He owes her decent, responsible parenting.  If he won't do it, it's his stuff.

GFN

[October]

I suppose this is about strengthening ego functions.

bunny

Ego functions sounds right.  Must look that up and find out more.  I don't think my family allowed us to develop those.  I have some, in some areas, but none in others.  If people are nasty to me, I am fine; I can stand up to a lot (although it costs me afterwards).  If they are nice, I crumble to pieces.  Fortunately, the latter is quite rare.    

I am like Calais; invaded by the French in 15 whenever it was because it was only defended on one side.  To the sea front huge great towers and walls and such.  To the rear no walls, because of miles of great sea marshes.  So the French waited until depths of winter when the marshes froze, and just walked in.  

[October]

What is true today is that my therapist has told me today that she is leaving in July, and that she wants me to consider

a   Whether therapy is right for me or not, because it does me so much harm.      
b   What kind of therapy I need

So that, if we think there is a continuing need, she can make appropriate arrangements for a referral elsewhere.  I do not know where this would be or who it would be with.  Very vague.  Very unsafe.  

My initial thoughts to her were that I need;

a   A specialist rather than generalist (I have never yet had a specialist in the disorder which I actually have, which is imo why the generalists end up hurting me over and over.)
b   To feel safe, which I do not always feel with her (because she does not understand enough about whatever it is that I have)

This will realistically, knowing the NHS, mean another waiting list, of perhaps 4 to 6 months, and maybe starting with someone else in early 06.

Then she said 'how are you feeling?'

I said, the feelings have to wait.  I am trying to find a path.  I told her that she has been detaching from me for some weeks, and she was surprised to hear this.  I told her that she has kept on disappearing, and she said 'I went on holiday'.  So I said, you did not tell me it was a holiday.  You just said you would not be there.

So here I am.  Trying to find a path.  Feeling nothing.  And smiling.      

[bunny]

What is true today is that my therapist has told me today that she is leaving in July, and that she wants me to consider

a   Whether therapy is right for me or not, because it does me so much harm.      
b   What kind of therapy I need

Therapy didn't harm you -- she did!!!! This woman is an idiot.

So that, if we think there is a continuing need, she can make appropriate arrangements for a referral elsewhere.  I do not know where this would be or who it would be with.  Very vague.  Very unsafe.  

Most of the time in the USA, people do get doctors by referral. But we can decide *not* to see them if we don't like them. We aren't stuck with them. Maybe you would be, so I can see your apprehension. Especially if this loser therapist refers you.
 

Then she said 'how are you feeling?'

SHE SUCKS.

My feeling: It is ironic that British psychoanalysts pretty much invented the way psychotherapy is done today. Yet the therapists in Britain are absolutely clueless. Don't they get it?! You need a therapist who can hold and contain unmanageable feelings. That is called "dynamic psychotherapy." If you can get a person with this background, who isn't a fool, I think they can help you.

Excuse me but I'm so mad at your therapist.

bunny

[bunny]

I said, the feelings have to wait.  I am trying to find a path.  I told her that she has been detaching from me for some weeks, and she was surprised to hear this.  I told her that she has kept on disappearing, and she said 'I went on holiday'.  So I said, you did not tell me it was a holiday.  You just said you would not be there.

Oh man, I somehow missed this exchange. SHE SHOULD NOT BE DOING THERAPY. I think she's cut out for something else, possibly defense law. What is with the "I went on holiday" crap? Doesn't she understand *anything* about therapy??

bunny

[mum]

Me too. (mad) what a horrible therapist!  My jaw in on the floor.
Good for you, for saying "feelings will have to wait".  She drops this bomb, and then asks how you are "feeling"??? GRRRRRR
You say you are smiling?  Is that because you kept your boundary (not sharing with this fool?) Good for you!!

[October]

Thanks, Bunny and Mum.

Now struggling with SI+.  Not about to spell out what that means in English; it is x rated.

Have entered severe dissociative state.  Helps a lot.  Sadly, makes x rated stuff more possible, but I think still safe enough.  Stupid to be in this state.

But I have spoken to my 'surrogate mum' friend, Brenda.  She is always there for me, which helps a lot.  I will ring her again in a couple of days, or maybe go visit her, if I can.  Haven't seen her for some months.

Also, C has given me her dad's reasons for seeing her.  I told him to tell them to me, but he told her instead.  This is what he has said:

C wants to see me
C misses me
I miss C
C likes going to <park>
C likes going to <icecream shop>
C likes going to <her favourite shop>

Does this sound like a 46 year old father discussing the emotional needs of his child?  He has turned her into the subject of most of them, but in a way that seems to be an emotional hook of some kind, rather than focussing on what her actual needs are.  To me it sounds like a child has written it.  C wanted to know what I think and I said I will discuss it with your dad.  

This week's to do list now includes finding lawyer to take with me to next meeting at the school, and investigate UK legislation regarding school attendance, in particular in relation to children with chronic illness.

Can somebody please get this roundabout to at least slow down a little?  I know I can't get off, but I am really feeling sick.  Allegory is a wonderful thing.