Truth

[October]

Doesn't she understand *anything* about therapy??

bunny

Not the kind I need.  She told me that I am not going to find a therapist who will be available for me 52 weeks a year.

I don't recall ever saying that was what I needed, strangely enough.  

[October]

You need a therapist who can hold and contain unmanageable feelings. That is called "dynamic psychotherapy." If you can get a person with this background, who isn't a fool, I think they can help you.

Excuse me but I'm so mad at your therapist.

bunny

Thank you for being mad.  That helps.   I don't know about the dynamic psychotherapy you described, but I understand holding and containing unmanageable feelings.  That is what I am doing, I think.  

Sorry if I sound distant.  I am.  Sorry.

[Anonymous]

She told me that I am not going to find a therapist who will be available for me 52 weeks a year.

How does SHE know?? Don't listen to her!!!

bunny

[October]

How does SHE know?? Don't listen to her!!!

bunny

Well, as with any other job, I would think it would be sensible for one person to cover for another.  I used to work in PR, and had clients paying big money for the Old Rope we sold them    and we would never tell them, sorry, you are never going to get PR coverage 52 weeks a year.  But we all had holidays.

Complete nonsense, imo.  I know medicine is not the same as business, but if she is going to call me a 'client' then surely that means treating me as one?  As if I am more important than anything else.  

Taking short break from spring cleaning whole house to visit here.  May as well make use of trauma effects to achieve more than normally possible.

Current status: Retraumatisation caused by rejection, abandonment and invisibility.  Layers now too numerous to count.  Maybe ten?  Maybe twenty?  Maybe a thousand.  
Impact: Dissociation.  Flashbacks.  Disturbed sleep.  Scarey SI.  Social withdrawal.  Hoovering places that have never been hoovered before (including ceilings and wallpaper).      
Prognosis: Good enough.  Because still laughing.            
Risk of S: imminent as soon as whole house is clean, grass cut, daughter 35 years old.    
I wish I were dead.  But I am not going to do it.  God, please kill me now.    

[Anonymous]

Hiya October:

Maybe slow down a little?  I know it's not easy but everything doesn't have to be solved today.....so for just today.....give yourself a wee break?

1.  You WILL get a referral to another therapist and the next person may be just the right one!!  You might have a wonderful support just around the corner.  Imagine that?  A T you feel comfy with and trust?

I heard once that if you EXPECT and ANTICIPATE something strongly enough, it will materialize.   The trick is total belief and expectation/anticipation.  

Years ago, I used to shop at the same mall, every week, and do my banking/browsing etc there.  Every week I had to park a way in the back of the lot, and push a stroller with my small child in it,  through snow/slush/rain/sleet whatnot, to get into the mall.  Then I heard this strange idea (above).   I started expecting a specific parking spot that was exactly the one I wanted, very close to the mall entrance, prior to driving into the lot, each week.  Really, really believing it would be there.

Guess what happened?  I swear......from then on.....every single time I did that, I would drive in and there would be A spot, close to the doors of the mall.  It could have been a coincidence but if it was, it was still very weird because for so many, many times before that, I'd had to park far away, just about every single time.

So EXPECT and ANTICIPATE and BELIEVE....that your new T will be satisfactory, trustworthy and that you will feel comfortable with him/her!  It can't hurt!!

2.  EXPECT and ANTICIPATE and BELIEVE that you will find a lawyer that will assist you in a satisfactory manner re the school.  It can't hurt.

3.  This won't last forever.  EXPECT and ANTICIPATE and BELEIVE things to be better soon.  It can't hurt!

(((((((((((((October))))))))))))))

Sorry it's so hard right now.   Hope this helps a little.

GFN

[bunny as guest]

October,

Don't let your therapist destroy you. She should not be a therapist, she can't be taken seriously, and frankly I wish you wouldn't see her again. She does far more harm than good, because she is ignorant. She doesn't even understand dissociation, splitting, abandonment, constant objects. She isn't worth it. You never know what's around the corner and it may be a decent therapist.

take care,
bunny

[Stormchild]

October --

This therapist is not a good person. So she would naturally be a lousy therapist. She smells N'ish to me. Sorry if this sounds judgmental, but what other kind of person chooses a profession that brings harmed souls to her doorstep and makes them dependent on her for help, then brushes them off and dances away while mocking their pain?

The meanness is appalling. Never mind the cluelessness.

You, dear soul, have been retraumatized by this at best incompetent and at worst malicious person. Your soul knows this, I see it in your posts. Please, don't despair, remember the wheat and tares, remember that we are here for you in cyberspace.

I wish we were able to make you a cuppa and sit with you in realspace. I expect it'd be SRO in the house, we'd be all over it to be there for you, hanging from the light fixtures if there wasn't anywhere else for us to be. (Visualize us perched in a row along the mantelpiece like so many Toby mugs.)

You are loved here. You are valued here. Please accept that as the accurate estimate of your worth, and let this sick joke of a 'helping professional' go to perdition.

Is there any way at all for you to go 'outside the system' and find a Jungian therapist? You need so badly to find someone who is in tune with both your spirituality and your awareness of the interpenetrating nature of the spiritual world with the material one.

Praying for you without ceasing, dear one.

((((((((((October))))))))))

[October]

I started expecting a specific parking spot that was exactly the one I wanted, very close to the mall entrance, prior to driving into the lot, each week.  Really, really believing it would be there.

Guess what happened?  I swear......from then on.....every single time I did that, I would drive in and there would be A spot, close to the doors of the mall.  

Strangely enough, I do this.  I drive to the door of the store, and then start to look for a space.  Mostly there is one.  Sometimes not, but mostly there is.  I say to C so what if it is busy?  We only need one little space.    

I am not sure I can do the 'next therapist' thing, though. It may not be possible.  Doctors are not possible either, at present.  I can take C, but I can't go on my own behalf any more.  I have been hurt too  many times.  To carry on looks like being stupid now.  

However, I will share what happened last night.  I managed to clean all downstairs and half the bathroom before running out of steam.  Then my neighbour cut her front lawn, and I spoke with her and said mine could wait.  I told her about t leaving, and she said that must be devastating for you, and I said, it is rather.  Then she brought her mower over for me and plugged it in, and I tried to do the lawn, but she could see it was a bit too heavy, so she did it for me, and I made the tea.        Then we stood outside the house drinking tea, and admiring our lawns like two old women.  Which is what we are.       I have lovely neighbours.  So the front is cut, and looking much better, and things like that lift your spirits a bit.  

Anyway, after all that, later on C was in bed and asleep, and I was trying to read, but the words couldn't get past the flashbacks, so I stopped trying and just lay there, and a picture came into my mind from somewhere/nowhere.  I was totally alone in the whole universe.  Everyone had gone.  Died.  Disappeared.  Nobody at all.  Then there was another figure there, of an angel, very tall.  He was close to me, and looking at me.  And he came and wrapped his wings around me, and I felt safe.  I didn't sleep straight away.  The flashbacks came again, and I had to try to read to get rid of them, but the angel stayed as well, somewhere in the background.

Hang on, I'll see if he is still here....  yes, still here beside me, still with his wings holding me like a hug.  No need to worry.  

[October]

October,

Don't let your therapist destroy you. ...

Thanks, Bun.  I need to go back because she has some of my writing and I want it back.  Or I might write and ask for it.  But I don't think I will be seeing her much more, if at all.  

Certainly the 'therapy' bit has gone completely.  Just like the last t I had.  Took me six months to recover from him, before I was fit to be referred to this one.    

What is this all about????????  Can I not read a book instead??  Never yet been damaged by a book.  If I don't like them, I close the cover and chuck them in the bin.    

[October]

I wish we were able to make you a cuppa and sit with you in realspace. I expect it'd be SRO in the house, we'd be all over it to be there for you, hanging from the light fixtures if there wasn't anywhere else for us to be. (Visualize us perched in a row along the mantelpiece like so many Toby mugs.)

You are loved here. You are valued here. Please accept that as the accurate estimate of your worth, and let this sick joke of a 'helping professional' go to perdition.

Is there any way at all for you to go 'outside the system' and find a Jungian therapist? You need so badly to find someone who is in tune with both your spirituality and your awareness of the interpenetrating nature of the spiritual world with the material one.

Praying for you without ceasing, dear one.

((((((((((October))))))))))

Thanks, Storm.  That cup of tea sounds lovely.  Or we could be really decadent and have Cafe Latte made with evaporated milk.  Damn!!!  No evaporated milk left.  I wonder if I could make it to the shops??      Maybe tomorrow.

I started off outside the system, paying to go privately, because I was sooooo afraid of the NHS provision for  mental health.  I don't know if anyone has heard of the Priory in Southgate, where all the celebs go.  I started there, with a Dr who is quite well known - better not say the name, but lots of letters after his name.  He didn't even make a correct diagnosis; he stuck with the diagnosis from my GP of depression.  

Took me years to find out it was more than that.   Meanwhile, several thousands were all spent and my job was gone.  If I were strong enough, maybe there would be a case for medical negligence, to at least get my money back so I could spend it properly to get help.  But I am not strong enough to face anything like that.

So now there is no choice.  NHS or nothing.  At the moment, nothing is looking rather attractive.  I may not ever get better, but I won't get worse quite so dramatically.

Or maybe there is no cure.  Maybe this is all there is.  Social phobia.  Depression.  Fear of doctors (whatever that is called   ).  I will just turn into a batty old lady who never leaves her house, and is never seen by the neighbours.  I can see that, so clearly, as the future.  I needed to find another future, but I can't do it.      It is like being in a bad dream, where you try and try and try to get away from something, and it still gets closer, whatever you do.  That is what it is like.

[Anonymous]

Hi October:

I will just turn into a batty old lady who never leaves her house, and is never seen by the neighbours. I can see that, so clearly, as the future.

Do you realize that you are choosing what to think/envision/do in the future?

What is the reason why you won't decide to envision yourself as a happy, healthy, outgoing, sweet little old lady, with lot's of friends, who enjoys life to the fullest?

I'm being kind of firm here, October.  Please don't take this as some kind of criticism.   It's a firm suggestion that is meant to give you another perspective.

You, indeed, have the power, in your own head, to decide
to think what you want.

What do you want?

(((((((((((October))))))))))))

GFN

[bunny as guest]

Hello October,

This is what your therapist is woefully ignorant of:

Child Development: Mahler's Object Constancy Phase
24 to 36 months
Child better able to cope with mother's absence and engage substitutes
Child can begin to feel comfortable with mother's absences by knowing she will return
Gradual internalization of image of mother as reliable and stable
Through increasing verbal skills and better sense of time, child can tolerate delay and endure separations

If a therapist is so dumb, and so ignorant, that she is unaware of this, she will not understand anything and will retraumatize you. I hope you get your writings back from this b****.

{{{{ hang in there - we are here }}}

bunny

[bunny as guest]

Here's another thing she doesn't know about:

Mahler's Third Subphase - Rapprochement
16 to 24 months
Infant now a toddler -- more aware of physical separateness, which dampens mood of elation
Child tries to bridge gap between himself and mother -- concretely seen as bringing objects to mother
Mother's efforts to help toddler often not perceived as helpful, temper tantrums typical
Characteristic event: rapprochement crisis. Wanting to be soothed by mother and yet not be able to accept her help
Symbol of rapprochement: child standing on threshold of door not knowing wich way to turn in helpless frustration
Resolution of crisis occurs as child's skills improve and child able to get gratification from doing things himself

bunny

[Portia]

Hi October, glad you have a neighbour you can chat to. It's worth a lot you know? I'm discovering that by offering to do their gardening (weeding). One made me a real coffee yesterday, which is a treat for me. Underneath all the polite social chat, people are very similar. Afraid etc.

I like your angel. It's a He too? Did you see the film where John Travolta was a fag-smoking angel who smelt of cookies? Great film. I keep seeing references to your flashbacks and you know how curious I am. Do you want to talk about them, what they're about? If not, no problema, but I thought I'd ask. Because I'm nosy. I apologise for the NHS even though I'm not at all responsible for the service. I'm just plain disgusted by mental health provision. What's the point in keeping people physically healthy if they go nuts? Maybe we're still in denial in the UK. Yep, reckon so. Load up on the anti-deps and go get a hobby (oh, and don't think too much)! It makes me mad. Take care October

[October]

You, indeed, have the power, in your own head, to decide
to think what you want.

What do you want?

(((((((((((October))))))))))))

GFN

When a therapist asks me that question I never answer, because they are not able to hear the answer.  But just for you, I will answer it.

I want to be dead.

Happy now??     But that is not me.  That is a symptom.  Same as the vision of the future.  It is these things I am fighting to escape from, rather than making happen.  If I do nothing, they happen.  I have not yet given up trying, but when I do, that is the future.

It is very easy with illness to blame the patient for the symptom.  It does not help the patient.  But life is not an ATM machine, and to suggest that it is puts the blame on anyone poor, or unwell, or disadvantaged, for the life they have.  This is medieval thinking, where the person stricken with plague was reckoned cursed by God and therefore getting what they deserve.

I appreciate that you care, but I am not sure your comments are helpful.  For one thing you picked up on the negative at the end of my post, but ignored the positive at the start.  You can't have it both ways; either I am an optimistic person struggling womanfully with a desperate situation, or else I am bringing it all on myself by negativity.  I would suggest that the former interpretation is nearer my own truth and that of anyone who truly knows me.

I acknowlege that positive thinking has a role to play, but if you can see no evidence of that kind of positivity in my writing, then that just amazes me.  

But you are, of course, entitled to retain your own view, against the evidence, if you prefer.