I started expecting a specific parking spot that was exactly the one I wanted, very close to the mall entrance, prior to driving into the lot, each week. Really, really believing it would be there.
Guess what happened? I swear......from then on.....every single time I did that, I would drive in and there would be A spot, close to the doors of the mall.
Strangely enough, I do this. I drive to the door of the store, and then start to look for a space. Mostly there is one. Sometimes not, but mostly there is. I say to C so what if it is busy? We only need one little space.
I am not sure I can do the 'next therapist' thing, though. It may not be possible. Doctors are not possible either, at present. I can take C, but I can't go on my own behalf any more. I have been hurt too many times. To carry on looks like being stupid now.
However, I will share what happened last night. I managed to clean all downstairs and half the bathroom before running out of steam. Then my neighbour cut her front lawn, and I spoke with her and said mine could wait. I told her about t leaving, and she said that must be devastating for you, and I said, it is rather. Then she brought her mower over for me and plugged it in, and I tried to do the lawn, but she could see it was a bit too heavy, so she did it for me, and I made the tea.

Then we stood outside the house drinking tea, and admiring our lawns like two old women. Which is what we are.

I have lovely neighbours. So the front is cut, and looking much better, and things like that lift your spirits a bit.
Anyway, after all that, later on C was in bed and asleep, and I was trying to read, but the words couldn't get past the flashbacks, so I stopped trying and just lay there, and a picture came into my mind from somewhere/nowhere. I was totally alone in the whole universe. Everyone had gone. Died. Disappeared. Nobody at all. Then there was another figure there, of an angel, very tall. He was close to me, and looking at me. And he came and wrapped his wings around me, and I felt safe. I didn't sleep straight away. The flashbacks came again, and I had to try to read to get rid of them, but the angel stayed as well, somewhere in the background.
Hang on, I'll see if he is still here.... yes, still here beside me, still with his wings holding me like a hug. No need to worry.
