When my N father died -

[jophil]

Hi Menow, Gee I know how it is for you! Same toxic parents as me -different geography.
I still try to search my mind for ways in which I can 'make them see' how bad their behavior was. It never works but I keep trying. They do not WANT to understand because they do not CARE about my pain.
That is tough for me to 'get'. I cannot understand how callous thy are.
Keep posting here please - we are all in this together. I believe that Therapists are only mildly helpful in helping adult children on N's. I am planning to post a thread soon of my experiences in therapy.

God bless you ...John.

[Menow]

John,
You do understand. We have had similar abuse, I can feel it.

I do have to say, though, therapy is the only way! I have yet to hear of someone who has gotten through this on their own.

Please, keep trying to find someone good! I have been through alot of ones who did not understand at all. It was a joke. But keep trying until you find someone who understands you. I am a very stubborn and at times think I "know it all", not trusting anyone could help me.  Finally I found a therapist and therapists who could really help me and even stand up to me at times for my own best interest. There is love out there, John, and understanding.

A big breakthrough for me was when I let my guard down and let someone, my therapist in, to understand me. It was hard, scary as hell, but so freeing. There is hope.

I think people like us were so hurt, our trust so damaged that there is a hard shell around us. I am still fighting it. Some therapists are skilled and know this shell even better than we do. I was VERY resistant to anyone getting in there. Terrified and angry. I have had a few good therapists in my healing. But I found the final therapist who will/is taking me home. And that is sooooo sweet. I knew it after the first two sessions. He was going to take me all the way home to living a healthy "normal" life. It is out there John.

I highly reccomend being open to therapy and that there IS a therapist who can help you. You deserve it... the attention and the understanding.

((((((John)))))))))))))

Menow

[Anonymous]

Hi again Menow, I do agree with a lot of what you say. My experience with T's have been rather benign at best and destructive at worst. A lot of them down here seem to be limited in their understanding and unwilling to diagnose and 'name' stuff. I do not get it and I do not get them. I do not want to conmtinue to pay them to nod at me and say very little that is helpful. Maybe soon I will find one who is what I need.  John.

[Brigid]

John,

I was someone who had gotten through 52 years of life never thinking I needed therapy.  I thought I had dealt just fine with all the emotional abuse and neglect of my childhood,  sexual assault as a child, date rape as a teen, a verbally abusive first husband.  Then BAM, my second husband wants a divorce out of the blue and now I NEED therapy.  For the grace of God I was referred to a wonderful therapist in the midst of crisis.  After 20 months of weekly therapy, talking mostly about what my current H had done and the affect on the kids, I finally realized that I needed to go back and heal all that earlier stuff as that was really the problem.  I had skillfully avoided it and my T did not push, but knew I would need to go there eventually if I truly wanted to find a place of peace and hope for the future.

Like menow said, it is scary and you do build a hard shell around all those painful experiences, knowing that if you crack that shell, there will be so much painful stuff that will start flowing out.  But flow out it MUST.  It is a cleansing process to rid your mind and body of all the toxins placed there by your abusers.

It is not something you can do on your own, when there is so much buried deep inside, imo.  If you are like me, you will think it is fine and not worthy of addressing and you have put it behind you.  In reality, it was what was defining me and the definition was not healthy or whole.

Please keep seeking a therapist with whom you can connect and open up.  I think you will find it worthwhile in the long run.  In the meantime, keep on dancin'.  

((((((((John)))))))))))

Brigid