Hi Selkie! I totally relate to the place you may be stuck in now! Remember that Ns are incapable of loving- they're excellent actors and con artists . They learn how to go through the motions, read you for any vulnerability, and they know how to fake love. It's all about them and they're getting what they want at your expense- ALWAYS. If you've been- like me- addicted to love and relationships that are abusive and unhealthy- we are codependent. we are good at lying to ourselves, denying and rationalizing crazy making behaviours that a healthy person would never tolerate. My ex N is now calling me++ and leaving the old" oh baby...things will be different now..I see how I hurt you and it'll never happen again...you are the only woman who has ever understood me...you are my soulmate..." All B.S.!!! As people who have picked abusive relationships, we become addicted to the incredible highs and intensity and we come to believe no other man can ever give us those highs. We tend to find " normal" men boring. Focus on the lows and the incredible depression, self doubt, destructive and soul destroying crap we endure for lengthy periods of time after the sort lived honeymoon period is over. I actually found it helpful to put notes on my phone, computer etc reminding myself of the lying and abuse and tell myself not to answer the phone, not to return messages, not to respond to emails, not to answer my door should he arrive, not to talk to anyone who supports him. This is overwhelming at first but with each day, I find it getting easier and I'm getting stronger. There will always be days you feel so low you are tempted to call him. If I engage, I'm giving him the power to use and abuse me. If you have absolutely no contact with an N they will get bored and move on to another " source of Nicisstic supply". This term refers to Ns viewing all interactions in the context of using people who are vulnerable- treating us as objects because that's all we are to them- and then discarding their victims when they no longer have anything to offer. Ns always quickly find someone/ another group of people- to exploit. I also find it really empowering to start reconnecting with friends you may have neglected while with the N, going back to hobbies etc. you once loved but dropped because a N relationship is all consuming and meeting new healthy people. I'm getting back into my art, reading, going out, swimming. I'm actually meeting quite a few healthy people now- the first time in almost two years! I'm starting to like myself again, and in fact, feel like I'm back in touch with positive emotions- other than always being consumed with anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, self doubt etc. I hope this helps somehow. Keep posting here- we're all here to learn and support each other. I sent you an email in response to your email to me- but don't know if I sent it correctly! Let me know if you got it- if not, I'll send another one! Hang in there!!! a big hug and thinking of you!!! Moira
