My NFather's Swear Words and Odd Behavior

[Sallying Forth]

Something my Nfather did for years was swear in Yiddish or Yiddish/German combined to all the kids. I never knew what the words meant. I thought they were nice words but later learned they were all abusive words; name calling and put downs. Much of this was aimed directly at me.

I think the worst for me was after I was horribly scapegoated and emotionally abused [felt more like a rape] my Nfather would say, "you walk around like you've got a chip on your shoulder." Well duh!!! Of course I've got a problem bozo! I live with you crazy people!

During the last year my Nfather started sending me emails which are quite bizarre. They are addressed to me and all his male friends from where he used to work [the govern.]. Everyone of these emails has been sexual in nature. Most have degraded women. Besides my husband you are the only people I've told about them. For some reason I haven't told my therapist. I don't know why. Maybe because when I share something with him I now know it IS REAL. I come out of denial.

I don't have any memories of my Nfather sexually abusing me. However he was the one who took me to the men who did abuse me. And he used to take me to work and leave me there for some men who abused me. They would take me downstairs and abuse me. My biological father would be there with those men.

So my only conclusion about these odd emails, it is a message of some kind. That is not uncommon with my Nparents. I've been sent these messages [not sexual but purposely triggering] through snail mail over the years. They were always in my birthday and Christmas cards. It was usually done with color, odd colors. Like a hand made black card with red writing for a birthday card.    Not very appropriate for a woman on her birthday. Or a check was made out for an unusual amount.

I figure if I ignore these emails they were go away. That's how I handled the snail mail. Eventually they stopped sending the odd mail.

I've come to the conclusion that my Nfather and Nmother are very sick people. It's no wonder that I live as far away from them as possible. Sometimes I wonder how I survived and stayed sane.  

[Sela]

Dear Itexperiment:

I've come to the conclusion that my Nfather and Nmother are very sick people.

I totally agree with you based on the fact that your father participated in your abuse by delivering you to your abusers and your mother participates by reminding you with mail.  Any person who would do such a things to a child, their own child nevermind, has to be sick.  A healthy parent strives to protect their children, not place them in danger or remind them of pain.

I'm so sorry for what you have endured.  And that you had such sick parents.

For some reason I haven't told my therapist. I don't know why. Maybe because when I share something with him I now know it IS REAL. I come out of denial.

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share with us.  What would it be like to tell your therapist?  Maybe you feel safer letting a little bit out at a time?  It sounds like you've been through an awful lot.  Is your therapist supportive when you do say stuff?  How do you feel when you leave the session?

Good for you for not responding to those emails!!!  Must you open them?  Would it be possible to not look at them....delete them before opening?  If they are upsetting to you, ask yourself what good it does to open them?  Maybe you will decide there is nothing of use?

It's no wonder that I live as far away from them as possible. Sometimes I wonder how I survived and stayed sane.

I'm glad you live far away from these nutcases!!  Good for you for staying away!!!  Also....and this might sound silly......

Good for you for surviving and staying sane!  You are inspiring and very admirable!  A heroine!!
I mean it!!  Many people would have not had your strength and determination to survive!!
They might have given up.  They might have caved in (which would be understandable, under such horrible conditions).  But you....withstood and overcame their evil behaviour....you sound pretty sane to me (as far as sane can be).....you have shown such courage and seem to have a good attitude!  All admirable qualities.  I'm proud of you for coping and working to keep yourself sane!!  Way to go!

  Sela

[Xenia]

Hi IT

Could you put a block on receiving email from your father so you don't have to endure this disturbing messages any more? Or just delete them as they arrive?
I can't imagine how endured the treatment you received as a child. You deserve better than to be continually reminded of your father's sick abuse.


Xenia

[bunny]

Well, your father seems to be extremely paranoid. He must have severe psychiatric problems. Your mom, too. I hope one day you will tell your therapist about this, because the therapist can only help what he/she knows about. And this deserves containment, holding and validation. I've had to tell my therapist some things that I did *NOT* want to tell him because otherwise he was working from misconceptions. Just my experience. Thanks for sharing with us, ITexperiment.

bunny

[October]

I've had to tell my therapist some things that I did *NOT* want to tell him because otherwise he was working from misconceptions. Just my experience. Thanks for sharing with us, ITexperiment.

bunny

The things that I do not tell my t are the things that I feel personal shame about.  Some are things that my dad did.  I feel ashamed for seeing them as bad, when dad thought they were a 'joke'.  Makes me sick to have such an evil mind.

Never telling any t about them.

Shame. Not belonging to us, but belonging to the perps, and inherited from them.

Thought about writing one of them down, but can't do it.  Did it once for a psychologist who was going to do some experiments which were highly potentially triggering.  I wrote it all down to warn him, and he said he would be careful, but he was not careful enough, and I got triggered by something he said and made me do.

Enough of that one, I think.  Shame.  I feel ashamed that I got triggered.

[bunny]

October,

From the description of your therapist and this insane psych. who did EXPERIMENTS on you, I wouldn't tell them anything either. I should have specified a "trusted" therapist.

bunny

[Sallying Forth]

I wish I could have a five hour session with my therapist next week just to tell him everything I've learned about myself since finding this forum.

I've gotten insight after insight about my Nparents. Most of all I've realized how much of their shame I have carried within me. I've ordered three books from the recommended book list. I can't wait to open more doors of truth and insight.

And yes, I'll be sharing about that email to my therapist this next week.