just cant sleep.. nightmares, graphic

[d'smom]

ick. delphine has been back from camp since saturday and on friday, was my first nightmare again. back again, is insmonia and nightmares. i cant sleep!!!!! it has occured to me finally. that i cant sleep, becuase i do not feel safe. i literally dont feel safe. thats why i have so much trouble sleeping... i remembered very early, as a little kid, not being able to sleep.. just being terrified to where i couldnt even move...

for a month, when she was at camp and not at their house, i could sleep...... i slept soooooo well........ my dreams were so wonderful.......... and now she is back at their house and i feel all tied up with strings again, cant sleep, feel sick.

i try everything that i know to relax. but it just doesnt work. i have that knotted up feeling when your baby is crying in another room. every biological part of your being wants to go and do something. but i cant... and i cant sleep. so i am writing here.

this nightmare that i had was being in a war. there were huge aliens in huge ships above us. they were bombing us heavily and there wasnt any place to hide. people were dying all around. at one point a family was hit. their baby was running toward me crying and the parents were dead. i adopted the baby and was so happy to have a baby to raise. i was telling the people, i used to have a daughter. she should be 12 now. but she was kidnapped and murdered. that is what my nightmares always are. i dont even like to say it.  thats always what it is though.  my child is always dead. she always died a violent death at the hands of criminals.  i usually have to watch it happen. its always such a waste. this time i got another baby in the dream! that usually doesnt happen. i wish that meant that i was healing.

lately ive been thinking about trying to get pregnant again. i want a family dammit. i keep thinking how can i get some guy to donate sperm and then disappear. it seems challenging. i know theres no way id be alllowed to adopt. in this dream i knew i was only getting this kid becuase his parents were incinerated and nobody was looking too closely. i want to have a family dammit. i want my life back. theres a part thats very tempted to ditch this whole crap and just start over with a different baby. thats the impulsive side though. but its tempting.

im very despairing right now. yes she will be here and im so happy about that. but....... it makes me really sick inside, to talk to her and see how sick theyve made her...  she could have been a healthy person. not just a healthy person but a really fantastic person.... she was a really outstanding person...... now she is just another walking wounded.  i had such a nice family, and now i have nothing but crap and nightmares.

here at 2:30 am, which is very early becuase usually i cant sleep til 4 or 5 am, its very difficult to make sense of it.

just trying to talk some of it out so i can try to relax. thats the nightmare i was talking about. kidnap and murder. not happy.


anna

[Cadbury]

I don't know what I can say to help. Just thinking of you and praying that this difficult time gets easier for you. I have no ideas how to make it so. I haven't read enough of your previous posts to know the full story, but I can recognise pain when I read it and I hope yours starts to heal a little every day. I wish I could say or do more, but for now I can only give you my thoughts and good wishes.

Take care ((((((()))))))

[miaxo]

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this right now.

Sending you good thoughts and prayers.

Take care.

[Sela]

Dear (((((((Anna))))))):

So sorry for all of this pain you are in.  It's so hard to watch them be influenced and brain washed and molded into what you know would have been so different if you had had the chance to mother your child.  She's still the same person, Anna.  She's not forever ruined.  She may be wounded but she will heal and you can and do help her.  She won't be under their control forever.  She will mature and think for herself.

Re your nightmares.  Is it possible the child in your dream is you?  Is it possible that the old, suffering child is dead and a new, healthier child, in you, is being born?  I wonder if that might be something to consider?  The possibility that the evil in the dreams is being overcome with fresh, new, goodness?

It's also a let down/depressing to have to send your daughter back to them.  It's a loss.  It's gotta be frustrating and sad.  This is upsetting and no wonder!  Who wouldn't feel upset about it?  Be strong, Anna, and just keep communicating with her and working on your plans!  Keep your resolve!

Please don't despair and give up hope, Anna.  Get something from the doc, to help you sleep, if this keeps up.  You need your sleep to keep strong and healthy.  It might not be the best time to make any major decisions (when you are lacking proper sleep).   This won't last forever.

Extra prayers for you from me.

Sela

[Brigid]

anna,
So sorry for what you are going through.  I can't imagine the frustration, fear and helplessness of having your child out of your control.

I agree with Sela that getting some sleep meds would be a good idea.  I have had trouble sleeping for many years, too,and have had to periodically take meds but it has gotten much worse since the separation and divorce.  I finally gave up fighting it and realized I was better off medicating myself to sleep and being more clear headed rather than sleep deprived and befuddled.

I wasn't sure from your post if your daughter had already been to visit or was coming soon.  Either way, I hope you have/had a great time with her.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Stormchild]

It sounds as though you have an extremely close soul-bond with your child and are suffering her traumas with her... I've experienced some similar things but don't want to deflect the thread, so please just believe me.

It's possible, if this is what is going on, that you might be able to use lucid dreaming to comfort your daughter... if you can be aware that you are dreaming, you may be able to force the dream into a pattern of your choosing, in which you are with your daughter, and you rescue her from what threatens her, or serve as a 'mystic maternal shield' against the evil around her. But if the dreams are very chaotic and you can't influence them, this probably won't work and don't worry if you can't, not everybody can. October is amazing about dreams, you might want to ask her for some advice on this.

Are you taking melatonin? You might want to either increase the dose or stop taking it. Lower doses can aggravate vivid dreaming - and cause the kind that you can't control via lucid dreaming.

If you aren't taking anything (I didn't see in your post, forgive me if I missed this) you might want to consider taking, don't laugh, simple old Chlor-Trimeton, as long as you don't have wine or any other form of alcohol... chlorpheniramine maleate will knock most people over better than a tranquilizer dart. I use it myself, and I only need to take half of one 4 mg tablet, half an hour before bedtime. Bang, out like a light, and I open my eyes when the alarm goes off. No remembered dreams, either.

Do try to stay away from benzodiazepines (Xanax, Klonopin) if you don't truly need them for another condition. They are potentially habituating and can be hard to kick when taken for sleep or anxiety, and I don't care what anyone else tells you. Anything with 'azepam' in it is in this family of meds.

Make sure, tho, if you try Chlor-trimeton, that you buy uncoated tablets that can be split, and that you don't have any of the medical conditions they caution against on the label... I hope some of these thoughts help you...

[d'smom]

thank you all so much for your thoughts.  it really helps to have company.

dont have much time becuase im reeeeeally tired and need to sleep tonight. delphine will be here thursday!!

those who suggested meds: i do take meds.... becuase of the brain injury which disrupted the sleep center of my brain (the same center that the young girl symone had damaged.)  hope she is doing well by the way.

unfortunately im taking temazepam.. been taking it for 3 years or so. without it i cannot function at all, my sleep cycles totally fall apart.  im happy to have access to these or i would have a lot of trouble functioning. its been such a problem that i havent had luxury to look around for options, and so far this is the only thing thats worked. stormy im interested in learnign more about options though. i need pretty heavy duty help.

also yes, i have a 'soul connection' with her that is super deep. i know exactly what you mean and thats the problem.

we feel everything each others going through, thats why i think im having these dreams about her being tortured.

i dreamed i was pregnant with her..... 2 months before showing any  physical sign. even though i hadnt ever been pregnant before, i was not planning to be  pregnant, i was using birth control and had no reason to expect it, i dreamed very clearly i saw inside my body and saw the egg. then i saw the fathers hand reach in and grab the egg and stop it. i woke up knowing exactly what it meant.. then i didnt believe it for the next two months until i started showing signs. so  we have been very very close from the very beginining. and its  a dream connection. so these dreams really scare me.

i taught her how to do lucid dreaming, she was able to do it on her first try, just like me   however, neither of us then did it again. but we havent tried either. we are good with dreaming, its a family thing, and our dreams are always very accurate. thats a big reason why these dreams are so scary for me. ive never been able to have any control over these particular dreams. they totally overwhelm me. a few years ago we made a pact to meet in our dreams. but it was difficult becuase when i cant sleep, i cant dream either.  id like to work on this much more.

so to go onto what sela said.... id really like help working with these dreams. in the beginnniing, they were AWFUL.

i always saw her alone and without clothes, in an isolated place, often tied to a tree or something in the middle of some lonely abandoned place, she was always terrified and alone, and looking for me. she was little at that time, only 8.

she had been kidnapped by very bad people. she was terrified. i had to watch these horrible people, criminals and drug addicts... she was just a little girl, she was tortured, s*xually tortured.. and they killed her. i had to watch and could do nothing at all. they were very graphic and extremely disturbing in the beginning. they recurred at least every month. i have dozens of them recorded. you can imagine how disturbing that would be.

i mean, it was really awful. i would wake up just in hysterics becuase it was like it really happened, and over and over too. a lot of people have asked if the little girl in these dreams is me..... i dont see how. after a lot of thought i think it represents my grieving. she *was* kidnappend from me, it *was* a violent rape,  and the girl she was, is dead.    at one point last year, i dreamed i saw her bitten by a snake. i was holding her hand as she died. i could see the poison creeping across her eyes. she was looking at me like saying she was sorry, she couldnt help it. the poison was too strong. i think that was the end, where she succumbed emotionally and went into their illusion to survive. at that point, she wasnt being killed, she had been killed. they got to her.

now in the dreams i am often just telling people that my daughter was killed, like it happened in the past. its still sad but i dont have to watch it and live it.  i also think it represents what she is going through. becuase she has no clothes.. and is tied up..  she is unprotected, she has no protection as a little girl from what is going on. theres always a huge sense of wasted potential and the feeling that she is desperately looking for me to come help her but i cant.

so far ive had very little luck working with these dreams. anyway there it is. thanks for helping me talk it out. theyve been extraordinarily disturbing and stressful.
take care all.
anna

oh - as another example of our 'connection'. i never told her about these dreams...... but she sent me a letter last year with a drawing in it of a wolf and a little piece of poetry: "just becuase Im a girl doesnt mean I cant be the stuff of nightmares"......

[d'smom]

thinking about this further... d is now also having nightmares... even though she never had any her entire childhood.. now she has them too..  when i asked what they were about, she said "everyone in the world is trying to kill me"......

so.... ???? but then she says which has become typical - "but i kind of like it". this is what drives me nuts. she is getting very confused between what she loves and hates. that line is blurring very bad. she has this coping technique where she convinces herself she likes things she doesnt like. i dont like that at all. she has this love/hate thing going that is very distasteful.

got out my dream books. thanks for the support. its really comforting.

[Sela]

Hiya (((((Anna)))):

If I had any authority to diagnose dreams, which I don't, I'd say you are living your worst nightmares... your worst fears out.....in your dreams.  You've already been through hell yourself and so the only thing they can do to you now is harm you through your child.  Your father has possession of your child, which is bad enough, but not being allowed there regularly, and not being allowed in her life..in any real predictable way..to know what's really happening.... might be causing you to dream up some really nasty stuff.

I understand that you believe you two are connected via your dreams (what a sweet way to stay close to eachother ), but is it possible that your fears, which seem to be coming alive in your dreams, are causing hers to follow, somewhat, in the same direction (rather than the situation being... her pain coming to you in your dreams)??

i also think it represents what she is going through. becuase she has no clothes.. and is tied up..  she is unprotected, she has no protection as a little girl from what is going on. theres always a huge sense of wasted potential and the feeling that she is desperately looking for me to come help her but i cant.

Or......maybe they represent what you think she is going through, or possibly some of what you went through plus....what you believe is going on....the wasted potential, the longing for help?  Her potential is not wasted Anna.  She's still very young and will likely go on to develop much of her potential and become a wonderful person.   She has you for a mother, doesn't she?  And you have influence too and a deep connection with her.  That counts for a lot.  If she is anything like her mother...then she is strong and determined to NOT let whatever these idiots try to impose on her....have major effect.   She would also be bright and understand that you are doing everything you can to help her and feel hope from that and more strength.  Unlike your mother, you show her you care and you share with her.  Are you sure a little of this dream isn't partly what you might have repressed for many years, finally coming to the surface now?  (No need to answer all these questions...just for you to consider.  I'd rather ask questions than make statements/assumptions.  Hope it helps..Anna).

I hope this is the case.  I hope this is only fear/possibly a little of the repressed past coming to light...expressing itself and if it is, even though it's not very nice for you, I really believe it's ok and a good thing.  The stuff being expressed in these dreams is not being buried or being kept buried, which might end up causing you worse problems and might really be a sort of purging?

I don't know enough about meds to make specific suggestions on what might help.  I do know, that often, after a period of time, some people develop a tolerance for certain meds and they might not be effective anymore.  This almost sounds like the case for you.  You said you "can't function" without this med which I understand.  Could you ask your doc, or even the pharmacist, about it?  See if there might be something more effective, less addictive, from a different family of meds for you?  It just doesn't sound like this med is being very effective at all....since you feel like you can't function without it and your sleep cycles would be completely disturbed...yet you are having these awful nightmares and/or

insmonia

(doesn't that mean your sleep cycle is disturbed?).   I wouldn't change anything without my doc's ok though.

The other thing I was thinking about is what about trying some positive affirmations/visualizations and relaxation techniques?   Do you think you might be able to spend some time, each day, focussing on relaxing, making positive statements to yourself about your assets, potential and future and that of your d's and really visualizing/consciously creating pictures of good stuff?  Also, suggesting that you will have lovely, restful sleep and pleasant dreams?  And possibly stuff dealing with your fears/past(conscious and possible unconscious fears/past events)?  I suppose this will take a little time to work but it can't hurt.  The mind is such a powerful gadget and since yours is causing you distress through these dreams, it seems logical to address the problem directly at the source....the brain.
At the very least, the time you spend relaxing, suggesting and visualizing yourself and your daughter under more positive circumstances will be a little added rest time for you/a stress reliever.  What do you think?

Stupid nightmares can be so vivid and seem so real!!  I'm sorry, Anna, that you are going through them.  I hope some of this helps.

Sela