What has been your biggest failure in life? Come on, admit it!!!

[missm]

Stormchild -
 I'm sorry for what you're going through.   Depression sucks.

I've also felt like I can't share my more intense feelings for fear of attack.  I've often been kicked when I'm down, by the people I love and trust.  It's lead me to re-evaluate who I give my love and trust to.  People who kick you when you're down are not the people we need to confide in.  It takes a serious effort of will for me to pick up the phone and call my therapist when I'm feeling vulnerable or fatalistic, rather than a friend who may or may not be sympathetic, or a member of my n family.  It feels very lonely when I realize that I have periodically surrounded myself with people who only add to my sense of isolation, rather than helping with it.  But I believe we all have positive resources as well, they're just hard to remember when I'm feeling depressed, which to me goes hand in hand with feeling maschochistic. 

So I try and rember to call my therapist, who I trust, or one of a couple friends who I know will be at the very least sympathetic and not antagonistic.  When we admit our pain, sometimes people get scared and lash out.  They don't want to face their own pain.  Those are not the people to talk to when we're hurting.  I've thought about making a list of people to call, and not to call when I'm feeling down and less rational.  Maybe I'll put it on my wall next to the phone.

Be well,
missm

[bunny]

My greatest failure is that I am utterly unable to obtain support from people when I need it most.

Is this a failure or a disappointment?

I do not think I have admitted openly on this board that I am a cyclic depressive - because I myself only realized this recently. There is always a trigger, the episodes are never entirely spontaneous, so it's been hard to recognize their cyclic nature. I can become suicidal, and when this occurs, I sound quite negative, sometimes terribly offensive. I don't mean profanity, I mean absolute, Marianas Trench-deep negativity and despair...

I don't think non-trained people can deal with this level of despair and anger. This is my pragmatic view based on life experience and knowledge of what this training entails.

Invariably, people then either ignore me completely (if I am expressing profound pain) or attack me for making them feel bad (if I am expressing profound negativity). Now and then I get attacked when I express pain... apparently when someone feels that I'm trespassing on their turf, and they own the exclusive rights to feel bad about X.

I honestly can't recall a single instance of anyone first asking themselves... how I[/i] must feel, to be expressing myself in such terms... and then asking me. [This is not an exaggeration or distortion, I honestly have never experienced it. It must require a nearly superhuman level of detachment, and I am not being sarcastic.]

People aren't trained to deal with this level of rage/despair. You are absolutely right - it's beyond their abilities. Therapists can deal with it, though. I realize there are sucky therapists but I'm sure you've read posts from people on this group who have wonderful therapists. They are life saving!

In fact, I envy people who can openly say - I am feeling X now - instead of just showing what they feel, as I do, through other words.

Here's how I learned to do it. First I identify my feelings; reflect on what I really need/want that my feelings are telling me; figure out a relatively healthy way to get my needs met. I'm not always successful! But that's how I try to do it. This is a process involving lots of work and practice, and being on anti-depressants. There's no magic to it, except the magic of being empowered when my new behaviors got me more of what I needed.

Before everyone rushes to tell me that I can always come here, I must tell you that what I am describing has happened to me here, out in the open and more than once. It is the primary reason I stopped posting anything really self-disclosing, emotionally, here. Fortunately, I am very stubborn and pigheaded, so when I am suicidally depressed -- and people attack me when I need support -- that just makes me all the more determined to live.

Well you can always come here for SOME of what you need. Right? 

Hellish survival system, though, isn't it. I really need to find a better way.

I agree, and you can! You have the winning combination of being pretty damn strong and also vulnerable. You're way ahead of the game.

bunny

[guesting]

Brigid wrote:
All that caretaking was a good thing and I did a good job, but I did not include myself in the equation.

Somehow, someway, I believe your selflessness will not go unrecognized and unrewarded.  Maybe, not in this lifetime.  But it will not go unforgotten, I am sure.

Bliz1 wrote:
College was my biggest failure or regret, I guess you would say. I was pretty smart and went to a good school.  All my issues came crashing down around me in college.
I only have one more year of college to go, but sometimes I wonder if I can successfully complete it with all the personal issues that are pulling me down.  Literally, I feel like I'm rowing my boat upstream with the way my life is going right now.  What scares me the most is that I don't see how it will get any better.

Portia wrote:
sorry.....  Budgie = small bird, often locked in cage and used a pet

without a beak...sucks-seeds.......  terrible joke I know. Sorry.

Thanks for clearing that up.  Now I get it.  No need to be sorry.  I like corny jokes anyday.   Even though I don't think your joke was corny.

Stormchild wrote:
I do not think I have admitted openly on this board that I am a cyclic depressive - because I myself only realized this recently. There is always a trigger, the episodes are never entirely spontaneous, so it's been hard to recognize their cyclic nature.

I don't think I've ever felt as depressed as I am right now in my life.  Like yourself, my depression is cyclic.  Usually, it is triggered with a deep sense of what I want to be but not.  And all I see is my personal failures.  I blame myself for anything that ever goes wrong, even if it's not my fault.  Realizing I'm doing this makes me even more depressed.  I know this is rooted in childhood, but don't know how to overcome it.  The day I know how to overcome it is the day I will feel invigorated.

I don't generally announce the suicidality. I'm usually fighting it tooth and nail and trying to keep it down. That is my own personal quirk, and not an implied or intended criticism of those who are more able to name their demons while grappling with them.
When my state of mind gets so unbearable, I ask God that he would be merciful to me and just take me away from this life.  He hasn't done it yet, and I wish he would soon.  I could never take my own life, b/c fear of the unknown.  Although I've been able to somewhat give what others need, I've not recieved from what I need. Even though I know I know others cannot give me what I need, I still seek it in others.  I know this doesn't make much sense, even to me too.  What depresses me is not that my life is unbalanced, but that I see my life as unbalanced.  I wish I know how to see differently.

I honestly can't recall a single instance of anyone first asking themselves... how I must feel, to be expressing myself in such terms... and then asking me.

In my case, even though I always regret doing it and hate it when others do it to me, I still find myself hastily giving someone unsolicited advice.  And often don't take the time to try to put myself in their shoes before I respond.  I think I often fall for that knee-jerk reaction b/c it's painful to feel pain, either my own pain or someone else's pain.  And subconsiously, I try to run from it as fast as I can.  Other times, b/c my own pain has been so numb, that I have a hard time relating to others of their pain.  Although, I want to, but I just can't seem to.  I sincerely apologize to anyone on this board if I've done to you.

Stormchild, I wish I have words of healing for you and for me and for everyone who is hurting.  To a degree I can identify with you in the sense that I know how bad life can hurt.  I'm there too.

Sending you hugs and still praying for you.

Butterfly

[longtire]

(((((((((((((Stormchild)))))))))))))
(((((((((((((Butterfly)))))))))))))))

[vunil]

Butterfly--

This is so odd-- when I read the title of your thread I thought to myself:  I know what my biggest failure has been.  I didn't recognize the extent to which I needed to address the remnants of my childhood, and whatever I was born with, that make it easy for me to get in my own way.  And put really succinctly, I should have gone on antidepressants a long time ago.  And I should have started reading about the dynamics of my family a very long time ago, and working through them directly, through understanding and research.  I have training that should have pushed me in both of those directions, and I didn't.  I did go to therapy, which helped a great deal, but I needed to add those two other things to really get there.  I believe I got my life fully when I started doing those two things.

Then I read your post.  You mention nothing that you have done wrong!  You are just dealing with pain, with the need to work through things, and with chemical imbalances putting you all out of whack.  So, I would bequest to you the biggest gift someone could have given me at your age (if it were possible-- the drugs didn't exist then):  please go to a therapist, and to a doctor, and work on this directly.  I agree with Bunny-- regular folk/friends cannot deal with this sort of thing.  It is too much to ask of them.  And it is too much to ask of yourself to just muddle through unhappy. 

I have been out of touch with these boards.  I don't know what you've tried so far, so forgive me if you have tried these things.  If you haven't, then I would say that the ONLY mistake you are making now is not to tackle this.  When you get better you will see that so clearly it will be like wearing glasses for the first time, or coming up from underneath the water and breathing.

Sometimes pain is a comfort.  Sometimes it feels familiar.  Thinking about what we'll do when we're out from under the pain may be scarier than the pain itself, because it brings responsibility.  Instead of cuddling up with your pain, reject it-- walk away from it. It isn't you-- it is something that is happening to you.  And when it's gone you'll know where your life leads next.

peave,
Vunil

[write]

SO- basically all our pain experiences have been learning times to move on...

And no-one need beat themselves up about that!

[vunil]

Ok, clearly my pregnancy brain has taken over.  I replied, but I think I colluded Butterfly and Stormchild in my reply (I got mixed up!).  The post may still apply to both, but my apologies for being confused. Also, "peave" is not an ancient old-english salutation, but rather supposed to be "peace."  Of course, you might be "peave"-d at me when you realize my post is completely confusing two souls.

Well, take what you can and just laugh at me over the rest.

Stormchild, I do hope you feel better. 

[Moira]

Hi all! I used to think EVERY mistake I made or thing I never finished was the biggest failure- till the next mistake! Now I look at myself and think I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had so many failures. I'm proud of where I am and that I clawed my way through adversity- some things I had no control over but other situations I was the author of. Now I feel my biggest WEAKNESS- not FAILURE- is my chronic squelching of that little inner vioce that whispers- or shouts- your truth. Typically in my relationships, I ignore that until the voice- or is it everyone who cares about me- their voices?!l - screams at me! I always pay attention to that voice and my intuition in my work- do emergency psychiatry- and it's rarely wrong. This, and feeling somewhat stuck in my apparent inability to " get it right" - this despite years of therapy. So difficult to see clearly and be able to run BEFORE I get into abusive situation. I guess this second "mistake" really relates to losing myself and stifling my truth. Now I find it helpful to heed the opinions of friends who are trusted and honest in that for too long I'd ignore all their feedback and if they said " Dump him"- that would make me enmesh myself and defend the abuse even more. No more! Now if I get that valuable feedback, I do listen. I still haven't got to the stage- usually- of running immediatley. I still tend to spend months before I exit. My shrink thinks this is progress in itself considering how many years I've wasted in abusive scenarios- and now I no longer MARRY them!! Took me three kicks at that can to get it!! Frankly, in the big scheme of things, I find the above much more painful in alot of ways to deal with- even more so than my bipolar, learning disability and addictions. Actually, I think the ignoring my truth thing relates- or is at the core of - all the pain and irrational decisions- connected to mental illness, learning disability and addiction. Now at 47, I'm impatient and driven to get a grip as the clock is ticking along too quickly now to sit back, do nothing, and hope against hope things will sort themselves out.

[Moira]

Hi again! Not really a failure- more like a moment of weakness. A back slide! I had a codependent flash this past weekend and unfortunatley acted on it with my ex N. He's in rehab- free room and board and a new captive unsuspecting audience!. It was his birthday and I felt "sorry" for him!! Even though he left me a snarky message- " If you plan on seeing me on my birthday, forget it. and I KNOW you'll send me a present and it'll be returned unopened...by the way, I invited so and so to TAKE ME out on my birthday". Despite all this, I caved and sent along a cake and card with people who were " invited". Coincidentally- NOT!!-.  this couple who went are wealthy and , guess what!!!- they took him to a very high end seafood restaurant. He stuffed hs face with lobster and crab etc for free. Anyway- now the big problem is I've opened the Pandora's box and he's started leaving me messages asking me out for coffee, wanting me to go on a "date" with him this weekend- to a cheap greasy spoon, of course! He " sounds" ever so sincere, polite, warm and friendly. Typical! He wants to reconcile!!! I did laugh when he said " your name was on my LONG list of people who've screwed me over and I resent( NA work- 4th step, I think)...but I took you off because I DON"T RESENT you at alll. you're not responsible for me and my behaviour". He's really learning some new acting techniques in his "therapy"!! I have not responded to his calls and hope he'll back off and disappear once he gets it I'm not taking the bait. I feel so stupid for having had- and then acted on- my obviously misplaced empathy and generosity!!! AARRGGHHH!!! One step forward and two steps back!! Thanks for listening!

[Butterfly]

M essages that give us feedback about life.
I   interruptions that should cause us to reflect and think.
S ignposts that direct us to the right path.
T ests that push us toward greater maturity.
A wakenings that keep us in the game mentally.
K eys that we can use to unlock the next door of opportunity.
E explorations that let us journey where we've never been before.
S tatements about our development and progress.

[Moira]

Hi Butterfly! Great anacronym- damn spelling!! You know, I verbalize all those concepts daily to people I see in context of therapy. Intellectually I get it, it's just so damn difficult to actually follow through on them. I'm taking a break from berating myself for above mentioned slippage of resolve! A good friend of mine said to me last night- " don't punish yourself for having a generous spirit and a big heart- it's a gift and there is no shame in that". And as I said before- at least I didn't marry the loser!! Thanks for the support!

[mum]

Two years ago I would have filled three pages with my response.  Now I simply can't.  I don't see failures anymore.   I see lots of divergences from my path, but not always being aware of what that was, I can't really call them failures. I just don't judge them, really, the experiences I have had are all just part of learning/part of my life.  As strange as it sounds, I think a giant "WHATEVER" should be stamped across my past...as that is what it is: past. 

Everything I could call failures, were really just choices made at the time.  And the ones made without consious awareness, probably were "harder" and yet all lessons are just lessons.  If I suspend judgement on my experience, then I can move through easier, I guess.
The choices I made without faith (in myself, in God, in love, in goodness) and because of fear instead, probably led me to make certain choices that might have been different had I had more faith.  That said, I don't choose to waste my energy on regretting anything anymore, as it isn't productive, and everything I have done up until this point had led me to this point. It's all part of who I am.  I accept it. (can't change it anyway!!!!!)

BKS Iyengar says: "Triumph and Failure: the great imposters!!"
And after a Roman victory, the servant riding in the chariot holding the laurel wreath above the victor's head would whisper in his ear: "All glory is fleeting".
Vastly different sources....similar meanings.

[missm]

I'm a little leery of defining mistakes as failures.  "Failure" sounds so irredeemable, and I think those of us unfortunate enough to have had destructive ns in our lives have been forced to "face our flaws" quite enough for one lifetime.  I think there's a big difference from recognizing decisions you have made that have lead you or someone else to feel pain (and try to understand what lead you to make that decision) and labeling it a failure, which to me connotates something I can't really learn from.  Our mistakes are a big part of what makes us human, and it's the combo grandiosity-depression of the n perspective that makes us think that those mistakes make us irredeemable, or horribly flawed.  So to me the word "falilure" falls more into the black and white world of the narcissist, where "mistake" or "hard lesson" works more for me in the world where I'm trying to learn to discern all the shades of grey my nparents can't see. 

I truly believe that there is a huge difference between "facing the hard truth" as my nmother would define it - involving feeling totally toxic and annihilated - and recognizing the ways in which I cause myself or others pain, which fills me with maybe one part remorse, one part compassion, and one part determination to learn from that mistake and move on. 

missm

[Brigid]

Can something be defined as a "failure" if you learned from it, and didn't repeat the behavior or at least tried to mitigate the negative effects of the behavior?   Even a failed marriage, failed business, failed friendship can be a learning experience that will hopefully give you new direction.  If we didn't have failure, how would we define success?

Brigid

[missm]

Good point - like I said, it's about how I define failure, not necessarily any one else's definition.