Look at the Giver not the Gift

[OR]

Have you been given a gift and wondered the motive, why this giver would be giving?

Do you have stories about an N who gave you something, for the gift only to turn into a motive for their own selfish gain?

I would start with my 27 year marriage,I realize I was mistaken about what a marriage was about.
I believed two people marry because of the gift of love, I know now I was the only ONE married.
My N-H giver of LOVE had a whole other Idea of what that means, I understand now about the N-supply.

My H thought he needed money and took our wedding rings to the pawn shop, he said THEY lost them.
(I can't believe I let him talk me into taking our matching rings  off to sell)

He bought me another ring, I wore it a few times but took it off somewhere and lost it.
My-H often asked" how I would have ever lost it".
I took it off and never wore the 2nd ring  becasue I felt inside the marriage was over. He would ask me to wear this 2nd ring, he picked out. I would tell him no thanks,  I just couldn't accept wearing it.
I had a lot of hurt from him felt the gift had no meaning for me anymore. 
   

The GIVER means everything the 2nd wedding ring had no meaning.

OR


 

[Portia]

(((Only renting)))

I don’t really want to think about the gifts I’ve had from my parents. Suffice to say when people give gifts they tell you so much about themselves. I’ve started to give money as a gift!

When I was living with an N man, his parents wanted to buy me what I considered expensive gifts (bags, shoes). I was ‘poor’ at the time. Because he was too mean to spend his vast amounts of money, they did it for him, trying to buy me into staying with him. Sad.

I guess they were desperate for their son to get married, have children and be normal…..to prove that they’d done a ‘good job’ in raising him? Oh hang on…..that might be me projecting something there….oopsie! (going off to ponder)

Not nice about the rings.  :(Sorry OR.

[Cadbury]

My ex N let me use his car for a couple of months. Supposedly because I was pregnant with his child and he didn't want me to have to walk. Every day I would get commments about how lucky I was that he had done this for me. How good he was to do it. No one else would have done this for me. Every time he wanted to go somewhere I had to take him (because I had his car!), even if it was totally inconvenient for me to do so. He virtually forced me to keep using it so he would still have that control. Luckily, I became strong enough to break free. I got my own car and a lot of his involvement had to end.

(((hugs))) to OR for having to suffer. I know exactly what you mean about people giving for their sake and not for your sake or for any pleasure.

[Moira]

Hi! Funny thing about gifts and Ns. My ex N never gave me anything on his own- " I love you, that should be enough". However, he of course, expected, demanded, whined etc . every holiday and birthday etc. to have parties, expensive gifts etc. One thing I found that occasionally worked, was I " suggested" he NOT get me x, y, z, for a gift. Because I DIDN'T want that particular gift, sometimes he would actually get it for me, thinking this would be something I DIDN'T want!! Ye old reverse psychology!!

[OR]

I love to get simple gifts from little kids, like a drawing or or something they made.
They are being genuine no games, their motives are most of the time b/c they just like you and know it's a nice thing to do
Motive we all have one for better or worse.  

Porta: I know the money allows for the person to get what ever they want and sometimes that's the best way.
You don't have to worry about if they like it or not.

I’ve started to give money as a gift

Cadbury, It's so sad when you want to believe so much that b/c of kindness the Giver let you use his car but it may have been more about the control he had. I'm glad you got your own car. How sweet that must have been to hand him back the keys.

I got my own car and a lot of his involvement had to end.

Moria It's like play games with a 5 yr old, I feel like this reverse stuff works with the N. I think like this when it comes time for something I want. He wants something, don't you want it or you will be a copycat. You want something he will let you think you can have it, just to take it away.    

thinking this would be something I DIDN'T want!! Ye old reverse psychology!!

I know the gifts he gives himself are always expensive and of best quality.
He being the giver of his own gifts, just the way the N likes it.



OR

[Jona]

My N-mother would give me gifts and then at a later time she would take them back.  She always did this when I wasn't home and she was staying in my house.  I used to have her babysit but one day came to the conclusion that I never wanted her in my home.  I still had to have her there at times but I tried not to leave her alone.  She once told me that she wanted to buy me a computer.  I had never had one before and it took me three weeks to figure out what to buy.  When I told her I was ready, she didn't have the money anymore.

[Moira]

Hi OR! I especially enjoyed- NOT!!!- my ex N's habit of taking money from my account to buy his expensive toys!!! He was perpetually enraged I would actually have the NERVE to tell him he couldn't use MY account for his b.s. " Oh, so now I have to get your permission to buy myself something I need"!!! What a novel concept!! Hee hee!!

[OR]

Moria

my ex N's habit of taking money from my account to buy his expensive toys

N's have Some thing with the expensive toys, N's think they should have the best of everything.

Good for you to stop him from his manipulation and using your money.   


Jona

 

My N-mother would give me gifts and then at a later time she would take them back

How would you had felt if she bought you the computer, then took it back from you.

N's have a way to give you hope for something, then take it back. How it hurts to think they would want something special for you and be so crule  not keep a promise. After awhile you don't trust what they say, playing games with your head, giving you pain about the whole gift giving Idea.




This last christmas my H made sure he started a fight, he gave me back the gift I got him, I gave him back the gift he got me,(some bath soap) our D ended up with all of it.
He purchaced an expensive  Sound System, had it all set up on christmas day then said he had it for a long time just wanted to set it up at christmas time. Because he got the gift for himself, he didn't care about all the other gifts. How N is that!


That was the last christmas we were together, looking forward to the next one to be much better.


OR

[cat]

Here's one from my N-mom!  I was engaged to be married.  Her engagement gift to me was a bridal book.  It was a fancy book, allowing for guests to sign at the wedding - pictures, etc.

Eventually, the engagement was broken off.  When my N-mom heard about it - she asked me to return the bridal book to her.  There were other members in the family who were going to get married.  If she could give them the bridal book she had given me - then she could save money.

Rather than fighting about it - I just returned it.  Decided, should I ever become engaged again, she has lost her right to know about it.  Just have a small wedding in town - - - and avoid the family drama!

[spyralle]

My ex bough me lots of gifts....  Weekends away theatre tickets.. expensive stuff.  he bought them all on his credit card.  Then he persuaded me to pay off all his debts then we would have more money coming in each month.  When I very foolishly did this by adding his debts to my mortgage, he left me.  i now have a £25.000 debt to pay over the next fifteen years, whilst he has skipped off debt free and is currently planning a holiday in Jamaica....Which of course he has delighted in letting me know about...

Spyralle