Six Feet Under - "I thought it was passion, but it was just drama."

[Dazza]

(I know this forum tends to deal with more serious topics, so please excuse my pop culture reference if you are offended.)

Sunday night's episode of "Six Feet Under" provided quite a plot twist (I'll spare the details for those of you who haven't watched the show and plan to later on).

One of the key moments (for me, at least) was when Nate (who had just awakened from a coma) said to Brenda (his N wife, who previously accused him of being a N) that he wanted out of their rocky marriage. After facing death and having had enough of Brenda's BS for way too long, when Nate said to Brenda, summing up his feelings on their relationship, "I thought it was passion, but it was just drama" I nearly stood up and applauded.

I was once Nate Fisher (sort of), a guy who had relationships with troubled N women because (as I later determined) of my upbringing by N parents and because, on some level, "the drama" felt exciting. Nonetheless, I'm proud to say that I've just celebrated my first month of marriage with a very grounded, loving and passionate woman.

RIP, Nate. Oops. Sorry!

Dazza

[Moira]

Hi Dazza! First off, big congrats for your new healthy marriage!!! I relate- as I'm sure many of us do here- to the addiction to drama in relationships. I spent decades choosing only " bad boys" and I thought " normal" regular guys were too boring!!! The lows were living hell, but when you got that intense honeymoon period, it always seemed enough to make up for the hell. My recently ended relationship with ex N was the absolute worst, soul destroying, crazy making " relationship" I've ever had. I loved your saying from 6 ft. under!!!! I think for those of us involved in the charade of a relationship, we often think what we're dealing with is passion. Passion however involves two people and is an emotional response. Key phrase being " 2 people" and " emotional response". Ns ciompletely incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves and have no access to feelings other than the rage, hatred and fear that drives them. again- congrats- you are an inspiration! There really is life after hell- so to speak!1 Hee hee! And....Nate dies????!!!!

[Dazza]

Moira, thanks so much for your kind words. Your description of a "charade" was right on the money. Relationships with Ns are nothing but that.

I noticed the question on your signature. My experience is that Ns always come back....look at what happened to Brenda and Nate!

Dazza

[Moira]

Hi Dazza! I think you clarified the Nate and Brenda thing. I haven't watched show for awhile and I was hoping Nate wasn't 6 ft. under!! Out of curiousity- how are you finding the " normal healthy relationship"? I had one of those for over a year and in the beginning I had alot of anxiety about the lack of abusive twisted behaviours that were so familiar and I knew how to respond to- dysfunctionally of course!. I was always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop! waiting for the monster to shed the sheep's clothing. do you relate to any of this? for me trusting myself primarily and trusting others is a huge issue. Living with Ns so totally warps your sense of self and the world. again- way to go!! You certainly deserve happiness. One of my other fears is " normal well adjusted" people's reactions to my experiences with Ns- some just don't get it and react with horror- not necessarily a bad response.

[Dazza]

Hi Moira,

Being in a normal relationship is a blessing. It took years of being in manipulative relationships with Ns and a lot of personal soul searching to get to this place. 

I know what you mean about waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's sometimes a strange feeling to be rid of that toxic dynamic in my life. It feels fantastic, even though I know that this feeling will always be with me down deep because of my upbringing by N parents and relationships with too many Ns. As time goes on, that feeling grows more distant.

Your comment about normal people's reactions to your experiences hits home. Don't be ashamed. I try and laugh about some of the bad times, especially now that it's all but a memory. (Believe me, I was manipulated and played like a puppet!) I also try to laugh about how shamless my family acts right now, and I am working on greater acceptance that they'll never see themselves for who they are or give love in an unconditional way.

I am not ashamed of what I've been through, nor should you. What is important is that we now see the N's patterns and know that these people should be avoided. More power to you, Moira.

Dazza