Narcissism and Shame-Dumping

[Stormchild]

I'm taking a real risk by posting this, but it could be really worthwhile, so I decided to go ahead.

I have noticed that from time to time we [me too] get triggered by things here, and the feathers fly, and feelings get hurt, and people disappear, sometimes briefly and sometimes permanently.

That really bothers me, because the whole point of this place is supposed to be to provide a sanctuary in which healing can occur. Of course, I've taken it in the teeth a fair amount, and I've also unintentionally provoked or upset people, and on a couple of occasions I've done my best to give as good as I get. So it's reasonable that I'd feel a close personal interest - but I've also seen others severely retraumatized - by people doing exactly what they've been begged not to do - and people in pain totally ignored, and so on and so on.

I know that most recovery-oriented thinking says I should leave all this alone and just focus on myself... but, umm, isn't that advocating denial, when I'm part of and contributing to the problem? Seems so to me. So I have been bad, and have been doing a LOT of thinking about this, and a lot of digging around in various books and sites.

What I have come up with is SHAME.

I think we all know that narcissists' whole existence is focused on avoiding all shame at all costs. The constant demanding of attention and applause and the neverending emotional vampirism we experience from them seems often to be designed to keep them from ever really being still, ever really being alone with themselves. Keep that distraction going at all costs!

Why would someone want that kind of deliberately ADD'd life? Well, maybe because if they had no option but to be alone with themselves, even for a second, they would see things they just can't bear to see.

Someone, I wish I remember who, has come up with the concept of 'bypassed shame' to explain a lot of what makes narcissists tick. But even when it's bypassed, something has to happen with it.

My contention is that Ns either broadcast shame indiscriminately everywhere [when they aren't subtle Ns, or when they get too old to be bothered with subtlety anymore] or they selectively dump it on specific targets. Within the family, this will be the 'black sheep' or scapegoated child, or it will be the spouse. Outside the family, it will be their waiter, their secretary, the doctor's receptionist, or the designated scapegoat employee.

So... targets of Ns, we who have had the dump trucks pouring loads of shame on our heads - from one source, from multiple sources, or from a series of similar sources over the years... what do we do with this shame?

We can internalize it, and become terribly terribly depressed.

We can deny it... and become terribly terribly furious at Stormchild for writing such a post, for example...

We can get Stockholm Syndromed, and without being really aware of it, become conduits of shame ourselves, dumping it on others in turn when we've reached our limit of endurance, and some last tiny thing sets us off. [Does this one sound familiar? Yeah, I thought it might. Me too, with bells on.]

Or we can TRANSCEND it.

Yeah, right. How do we do that?

Well... not by denying its existence, or its impact, or our having been damaged by it, or our previous non-constructive responses to it.

Not by blaming the N, or our therapist, or, ahem, the person who posted about it.

But by facing it. And grieving it. And seeing how we, who have been so shamed and harmed, may have been used by narcissism - without our conscious knowledge or consent - to pass that shame on to others. To see that we who have been wounded can also wound. To understand that 'hurt people hurt people', as someone else memorably put it.

Then what?

Well... I guess we would start by admitting this to ourselves, first. Then maybe we would talk about it with our therapists. Then we might sit down with a strong cup of coffee - or green tea - or hot chocolate and face it, face what was done to us, face how we in turn have - again without intent - passed on shame and thus hurt, to others. And become aware of it, and become determined to take whatever steps we can, to try with all our heart and soul and mind and strength - not to shame others destructively, whatever our provocation.

This is the way of the Buddha, and of Gandhi, and of Christ. I'm not saying it's easy. It's the hardest thing in all human living, I think. And please, I'm not saying I've made it there. God no. I'm standing in a swamp, with muck up over my knees, looking at the distant mountaintops... but the clouds have lifted, and I can see them, and they are real, and by God, I'm going to get there if it takes the rest of my living days.

I guess I'd better start, then, huh? OK. Here goes.

To everyone I have shamed here, either thoughtlessly or with a barbed response to anything said to me, I apologize with my whole heart.

To everyone I have thought badly of, to everyone to whom I have ascribed motives that were less than the best as though this was a conscious choice that they were making and aiming at me, to everyone I have blamed and rejected in my heart... I apologize; and to those who have hurt me, I will do my best to extend genuine forgiveness.

I can't promise perfection, and I can't even promise total honesty, but I can promise that I will do my best to be honest, and do my best to be either constructive or totally silent, from this point on.

And if this post sets anyone off, and if we get another donnybrook going because of it, then to those who feel hurt, or threatened, by anything I've said here, I am also truly sorry.

Thanks all. I hope this does some good.

[October]

I'm taking a real risk by posting this, but it could be really worthwhile, so I decided to go ahead.

I have noticed that from time to time we [me too] get triggered by things here, and the feathers fly, and feelings get hurt, and people disappear, sometimes briefly and sometimes permanently.

Thanks, Stormy.  I agree with you; shame is a big issue with me too, and I can be destructive of others at times.  I try not to be, but it does happen.  Perhaps less here than in other places, though.

Meanwhile, I am ashamed of how I look, how I behave, what I say or don't say; ashamed of not being the same as the 'others'.

At the same time I know that all of that shame does not really belong to me; it is like an inheritance that came to me, that I really don't want but am not sure how to get rid of.  Like inheriting a dilapidated old mansion; everyone says how interesting and historic, but really when you get close it is riddled with dry rot and mildew, and you know that absolutely nobody would willingly live there if they hadn't inherited it, and had to repair the damage before they could sell it and move on with the rest of their life.

That is how I feel.  I want to close the door and walk away, but I have this responsibility to repair the dry rot, and restore this building (me) to what it was meant to be, before the neglect and the abuse and the plain cruelty of the former owners.

And yes, I do get angry with other people, for not understanding, for not caring, for giving up too soon, when I have no choice to give up.  I get angry when people offer something, and then take it away again.  I get angry when people tell me that my x is not dying, when they haven't seen him for 10 years, just so they don't have to bother caring about me and my d, and how we are.  I get angry about a lot of things, some of them unreasonable, I know, because I get tired, and then I get ratty.

Not sure where this is going.  Too tired to work it out.   Anyway, just some thoughts.

[Stormchild]

((((((((((October))))))))))

You are a brave and honest soul, and what amazes me most is that you strive for that honesty no matter what your emotional state may be.

This is a link to one of the neglected classics of old science fiction, but it isn't really science fiction. It's a parable of faith and love, old-fashioned, a bit mannered, but sweet, and it's called: "The Lady Who Sailed The Soul". For some reason, I really identify with her interplanetary voyage, alone and fraught with pain -- but somehow also not alone, with a world to win at the end of it all. I think you might too.

http://www.planetary.org/solarsailcd/smith.htm

[Brigid]

Stormy,
I am currently in a dilemma about something close to this subject, so I'd appreciate your input.  I had a old friend visit recently (she was the maid of honor in my wedding) who was left by her husband for another woman 9 1/2 years ago.  We had not seen each other for four years, have only exchanged Christmas cards and occasional e-mails since then, so had a lot of catching up to do.  As I listened to her discuss all the various decisions she has made regarding her personal life and the lives of her four children, I could not help becoming very frustrated and somewhat judgmental about the decisions that I would consider poor at best.  She desperately wants to have another commited relationship, but has ended up with several men over the last 9 years who are clearly personality disordered and have made her life miserable. 

I feel that because I have had what I consider a very excellent therapeutic experience, I like to share with others the benefits I have received from that.  In most cases, I just share information that I have gotten during therapy, but in her case, I really felt it was my duty to say some things that could really get her to take a close look at her life and the decisions she is making.

I have felt badly about that since she left and I'm not sure if I should apologize or try to stay firm with her in the hopes that I may get through to her, at least to the extent of her considering some other options.  I care about her a great deal and want desperately for her to be happy, but don't see that as possible with the current track she is on. 

Am I "shame-dumping" or just trying to be a good friend (or only imagining that I am trying to be a friend)?  Am I not being a good friend by not just nodding along and being supportive of whatever she chooses to do?  She has been in therapy for years, but I did suggest that she might want to find herself a new therapist as she is not making much progress.  Where is the line between hitting someone upside the head with a 2x4 and just being a good listener?  How do you know which is the better choice?  I really am struggling with this.

Brigid

[Stormchild]

Oh God, Brigid, I wish I knew!!!!!! ((((((((((Brigid))))))))))

I can tell you what is beginning to look like it might work for me, and I'm sorry about all that fancy-dancing but honestly I've just started to really work on this where I need to the most, so I don't have a lot of results yet.

So what I am trying to do now is set aside some of the ways I have been doing things since I have been so hurt, and try to remember how I used to do things before, when I was more hopeful, then build on that.

Love is the antidote to shame... I can remember that, now.

There are loving ways to confront... there are loving ways to provide information without confronting... there are loving ways to support because it's too early even to provide information... there are loving ways to loose and bless when it's too painful even to be in contact with someone. There are even loving ways to withdraw from someone because staying 'with' them only hurts you, and doesn't help them... once long ago I was actually able to figure this stuff out, but not so much lately.

Maybe you could follow up with your friend with some kind of loving contact and offer support, let her know you care and have been thinking about her and think you might have given her a bit more feedback in one sitting than you meant to, see if she has any thoughts or responses, start a dialog, that kind of thing?

We can't be superhumans, the best we can do is to do the best we can at the time. And loving someone doesn't mean enabling them or taking responsibility that ought to be theirs... But I think, I hope, that if we are willing to do and give our best, from love - then that intention helps us do better than we otherwise could. And love can definitely feel frustrated and want to shake someone till their teeth rattle... any mother of teens knows that one

Mum can probably explain this much better than I can, because this seems to be the path she is following and she's way ahead of me, if I'm right about that. But I hope this makes some kind of sense in the meantime.

and I do know what it feels like... I have a friend who is being terribly used by someone, it's obvious to everyone but her, and it's making me totally nuts that I can't figure out how to get the point across... and then I remember that it's not my point to make, it's she who must figure this out... I didn't cause it, I don't control it, I cannot cure it... all I can do is offer to hold her coat, and gently answer questions, if she reaches the point of asking them and I think I have useful answers to any of them when she does. 

[Plucky]

Congratulations Stormy on your new growth.  I tend to think of this board as a pure place where people come together to support each other and offer others the best of themselves. for no reason other than to help.  When skirmishes happen I just withdraw because it is too upsetting.  Some people are very vulnerable up here, and I am glad you are proposing a more adult way for us all to treat each other.
I would not get my hopes up too high.  Some of us have a lot of raw pain still to get through, and nowhere else to let things out.  But for me, I will try to uphold these values you are suggesting.
Plucky

[Stormchild]

Hi Plucky!

Wow... I hope nobody is going to feel shamed by this thread... that would be irony beyond irony. I know the topic of shame is terribly emotionally charged no matter how carefully we handle it. That's the whole reason it has such power over us, I would guess.

That being said, wow again, your response is really brave. ((((((((((Plucky))))))))))

hope this helps... Hugs again,

[bliz]

Great topic!!

Trying to feel and express our feelings, especially under pressure, is a very tough for we who have been shamed or otherwise told our feelings, thoughts, dreams, were invalid. All those pent up feelings and emotions.  It is difficult to get them out sometimes without scorching a few souls. But we must keep trying because numbing our feelings and throttling our voice doesnt work either.

My only thought on Stormy's original post was there has to be some middle ground between constructive input here and total silence.  Dont make it so hard on yourself.  We are all trying to heal.  There will be starts and stops and sputters along the way. As long as you arent heaping shame on another psoter, my feeling is just keep trying to feel and express yourself as quickly as possible after the feeling hits.

[Beautiful]

Healing is a long process, especially after years of denial.  Post traumatic . . . when you are in the abuse, you can't believe it's happening.  You deny it, push it away, make it better, blame yourself.  Fix it and think that love will conquer all.   
 
When you start healing, you start reliving the trauma to understand from an objective point of view that "you" were actually in it.   That you were abused, over and over, suffered and muddled your miserable way through it.   Years later, you say to yourself, I was not happy. 

Find your strength again.  Be strong and take your power back.  Nobody deserves psycho, mental, physical, ambient abuse.   If it's bad, then leave it.  Don't waste your time trying to combat it.

Narcissism is blame.  The blame everyone except themselves.   We all have narcissistic traits, good, bad, healthy, unhealthy.  We all know what is right and wrong.  We know children from adults.  A narcissist is a child.  Act like an adult.

[vunil]

Hi, Stormy and everyone--

One thing that would help me a lot is if folks wouldn't withdraw, but would address what is bothering them.  I've noticed since I've been reading these threads that sometimes people do disappear, and then sometimes reappear saying they were hurt or upset or don't want to risk posting again. I know that Stormy has had that experience.

This kind of thing triggers something in me because my mother used to refuse to say what was bothering her, but would make really general statements about being hurt and about how we were not nice to her, etc.  Then we would play twenty questions trying to figure out what we did.  Usually we couldn't figure it out and sometimes we could and it was a really simple thing that could have been cleared up easily. 

So, I guess, a request?  Instead of general posts about being upset, let's try to be specific with each other when it happens? I remember one time I made mudpuppy really mad by implying that politically liberal people were more open and loving than other people.  I hadn't meant to imply that, but I definitely did in my post.  We had a nice open discussion about it, very pointed-- he really disagreed with me.  And I disagreed with some of what he said.  But it worked out fine, in fact better than fine, because we got to know each other better.  And I learned to be a little more careful!

Growing up with N's we weren't allowed our own feelings and opinions.  When we expressed them we got lots of anger, or denial, or just outright odd behavior.  So of course this is our biggest bugaboo-- dealing with conflict.  I for one would like to know if someone is upset by what I've said (written).  I don't think that just because they are upset that I was necessarily out of line-- it's a dance.  But I'd like to at least know-- and be able to explain myself.  I think that would be useful for all of us, if we can do it.

Without becoming some horrible est confrontation group, of course

[Brigid]

Hi Stormy,
Thanks for the words of support.  I know many of the things I said to her resulted from having made many of the same bad decisions of my own in the past.  The difference is, that I hope I have learned something from those decisions--but only combined with therapy can I now make better ones.  Without the therapy, I would have continued to follow the same track.  As I said before, she has had therapy for a much longer time than I, but she doesn't seem to be making any significant improvements.  I also think I felt the pressure of having such a short amount of time together and not having the luxury of working into things slowly.  I don't know--maybe I'm just making excuses for myself.

Anyway, my intentions were certainly honorable (I think), but at the end of the day she is an adult who has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences.  I worry mainly about her children, but they, too, are not my responsibility.  The upside to all of this is, I can look at my own progress and be happy with that.

Vunil,
I agree that if there are things said by someone that are hurtful or upsetting, it is best to confront the situation directly at the time.  I think most of us are pretty sympathetic and forgiving and can understand certain issues being sensitive.  But also some issues can be a hot button for certain people and they may need to release those emotions here where they should feel safe to do so as long as they are not personally attacking any individual.

Hugs,

Brigid

[vunil]

Brigid--

I can really relate to your situation.  I have some friends who seem really stuck in the same issue, for years, and it is so difficult to know what to do-- does it make sense to try to help them?  Can people ever really help each other in that way?  I think they can-- two years ago I was really in a spiral of anxiety about whether to have a kid on my own. I was stuck as stuck could be, and had been for some time.  I was having the same conversation with people over and over again, and in my head as well, cycle upon cycle.  A really close friend told me that I was filled with anxiety and depression and needed to seek out some meds, and then decide once and for all what to do.  She said I couldn't make a good decision with my brain all muddled.  It was a long conversation!  I couldn't believe she was saying that to me. But she carefully explained that she herself had been in a similar place (over a different but similar issue) and she patiently answered my questions (the usual ones about doesn't this mean I'm crazy and what if the drugs change my personality and is this a cop out to do this instead of "working on it myself" etc).

In the end she was right.  She really saved my life.  I may have figured it out on my own, but I doubt it.  She will come visit me in December when my baby will be a few months old

So what does this story mean?  Do we try to save people?  I am pretty firm with people on this board sometimes with my advice-- just because that tone works with me.  But is it appropriate?  I never know.  For me, it helps when I am truly stuck to have someone tell me.  For others, it may just induce shame and feelings of rejection to do that.  And there is always projection to watch out for-- when I think of myself doing some of the things I did in my past I want to tell myself very bluntly to cut it out.  So I probably have those feelings when I see other people doing those same things.  It's a silly way to feel, as if I know what they are going through and what they need to do to get out of it.  Or is it?  This is a balance that therapists must really grapple with a lot.

[gnostic rules]

all righty now stormchild...

first off some thoughts on shame and guilt...
my own and googles
 
later off or on ... pasted here be the beginning of the thread
perhaps not in its entirety

or maybe again first off
rules of engagement of topics..
uh i mean suggestions..
first always be totally serious without any levity ..
then consider ifn u have a good definition of major concepts
of topic
and whether you just wanna run with the feelings
and not let the facts interfer
with gettin in touch with the emotions or feelings .... from some other source..

ok here be merriam on shame
1 a : a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety

now merriam on guilty
1 : the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct
2 a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy
HMMMM ABOVE WHERE IT SAYS FOR GUILT IN DEFINITION 1  that it minimally is a breach of conduct IT DOESNT SAY IF IT IS OTHERS CODE OF CONDUCT OR ONE'S OWN AND IT COULD WELL BE FOLLOWING OTHERS CODES OF CONDUCT COULD MAKE ONE GUILTY IN TERMS OF ONE'S OWN CODE OF CONDUCT AND THUS NOT FEEL ASHAMED FOR BREACHING SUCH A CODE OF CONDUCT....
...SO HAVING LAID A WONDERFUL BASIS FOR BETTER CLARIFICATION OF ISSUES...
I SHALL RETIRE TO MY GNOSTIC IVORY TOWER FOR THE MOMENT

I'm taking a real risk by posting this, but it could be really worthwhile, so I decided to go ahead.

I have noticed that from time to time we [me too] get triggered by things here, and the feathers fly, and feelings get hurt, and people disappear, sometimes briefly and sometimes permanently.

That really bothers me, because the whole point of this place is supposed to be to provide a sanctuary in which healing can occur. Of course, I've taken it in the teeth a fair amount, and I've also unintentionally provoked or upset people, and on a couple of occasions I've done my best to give as good as I get. So it's reasonable that I'd feel a close personal interest - but I've also seen others severely retraumatized - by people doing exactly what they've been begged not to do - and people in pain totally ignored, and so on and so on.

I know that most recovery-oriented thinking says I should leave all this alone and just focus on myself... but, umm, isn't that advocating denial, when I'm part of and contributing to the problem? Seems so to me. So I have been bad, and have been doing a LOT of thinking about this, and a lot of digging around in various books and sites.

What I have come up with is SHAME.

I think we all know that narcissists' whole existence is focused on avoiding all shame at all costs. The constant demanding of attention and applause and the neverending emotional vampirism we experience from them seems often to be designed to keep them from ever really being still, ever really being alone with themselves. Keep that distraction going at all costs!

Why would someone want that kind of deliberately ADD'd life? Well, maybe because if they had no option but to be alone with themselves, even for a second, they would see things they just can't bear to see.

Someone, I wish I remember who, has come up with the concept of 'bypassed shame' to explain a lot of what makes narcissists tick. But even when it's bypassed, something has to happen with it.

My contention is that Ns either broadcast shame indiscriminately everywhere [when they aren't subtle Ns, or when they get too old to be bothered with subtlety anymore] or they selectively dump it on specific targets. Within the family, this will be the 'black sheep' or scapegoated child, or it will be the spouse. Outside the family, it will be their waiter, their secretary, the doctor's receptionist, or the designated scapegoat employee.

So... targets of Ns, we who have had the dump trucks pouring loads of shame on our heads - from one source, from multiple sources, or from a series of similar sources over the years... what do we do with this shame?

We can internalize it, and become terribly terribly depressed.

We can deny it... and become terribly terribly furious at Stormchild for writing such a post, for example...

We can get Stockholm Syndromed, and without being really aware of it, become conduits of shame ourselves, dumping it on others in turn when we've reached our limit of endurance, and some last tiny thing sets us off. [Does this one sound familiar? Yeah, I thought it might. Me too, with bells on.]

Or we can TRANSCEND it.

Yeah, right. How do we do that?

Well... not by denying its existence, or its impact, or our having been damaged by it, or our previous non-constructive responses to it.

Not by blaming the N, or our therapist, or, ahem, the person who posted about it.

But by facing it. And grieving it. And seeing how we, who have been so shamed and harmed, may have been used by narcissism - without our conscious knowledge or consent - to pass that shame on to others. To see that we who have been wounded can also wound. To understand that 'hurt people hurt people', as someone else memorably put it.

Then what?

Well... I guess we would start by admitting this to ourselves, first. Then maybe we would talk about it with our therapists. Then we might sit down with a strong cup of coffee - or green tea - or hot chocolate and face it, face what was done to us, face how we in turn have - again without intent - passed on shame and thus hurt, to others. And become aware of it, and become determined to take whatever steps we can, to try with all our heart and soul and mind and strength - not to shame others destructively, whatever our provocation.

This is the way of the Buddha, and of Gandhi, and of Christ. I'm not saying it's easy. It's the hardest thing in all human living, I think. And please, I'm not saying I've made it there. God no. I'm standing in a swamp, with muck up over my knees, looking at the distant mountaintops... but the clouds have lifted, and I can see them, and they are real, and by God, I'm going to get there if it takes the rest of my living days.

I guess I'd better start, then, huh? OK. Here goes.

To everyone I have shamed here, either thoughtlessly or with a barbed response to anything said to me, I apologize with my whole heart.

To everyone I have thought badly of, to everyone to whom I have ascribed motives that were less than the best as though this was a conscious choice that they were making and aiming at me, to everyone I have blamed and rejected in my heart... I apologize; and to those who have hurt me, I will do my best to extend genuine forgiveness.

I can't promise perfection, and I can't even promise total honesty, but I can promise that I will do my best to be honest, and do my best to be either constructive or totally silent, from this point on.

And if this post sets anyone off, and if we get another donnybrook going because of it, then to those who feel hurt, or threatened, by anything I've said here, I am also truly sorry.

Thanks all. I hope this does some good.

[vunil]

Oh, just realized in my second to last post one thing might not have been clear-- I was saying that, Stormy, you are absolutely welcome to express whatever feelings you have about things that happen here, even more specifically than you have before.  I think that's fine.  As long as the discussion afterwards is fine with you, too.  Personally, I want to be told where people's limits are-- it's too tough to be able to tell on a board where we just read writing, no facial expressions or tone of voice.  In general I think it's good if we assume nothing is to be taken personally here, and we're all just trying stuff out, but if something really does push a button, this might be a safe place to air that.  If you feel shame airing it, that's ok too-- we all have been there...

[mum]

((((((Stormy))))) I just love your brain! And spirit. What a wonderful thread. 

Mum can probably explain this much better than I can, because this seems to be the path she is following and she's way ahead of me, if I'm right about that

Well, let's just clear this up first, ok?
You are right, I am on this path.....but WE ALL are. And it isn't who's ahead, etc...to me, it's just whether your eyes are open or not. That's all. Some days I am right there in the muck, up to my eyeballs, but the difference for me, has been KNOWING this. Stepping out of my story for long enough to become an observer of my "life" and become consious of what I am doing/feeling/etc. 
I think you have nailed it, Stormy. It hasn't worked to deny, or run, or squish feelings, such as shame. It only works to investigate what we are doing, to detach long enough to MAKE A CHOICE.
That is what I see anyway.

I grew up with a lot of shame. Lots and lots and lots. It was my legacy as a Catholic girl (or my interpretation of it) and perhaps because of: (pick any): birth order, siblings, parents, the position of the stars, past lives.....who knows?.   Luckily, as an adult, I have been able to see how so many of my choices were driven by shame.  And becoming aware has shown me that I GET TO CHOOSE how I feel.

Shame is a feeling. Feelings are my choice....within my control (if I am consious of them).
So when I feel ashamed, or any negative feeling, for that matter....I get to step out of it, detach, if you will, and look at what this pain (all negative emotions, in my mind) is telling me.  Not run, not hide, but feel it entirely and say: "oh, man, I am here AGAIN? OUCH!! What is this all about?"
I usually find I am attached to something I want that is NOT. (Like a different ex husband )  It's a recipe for suffering, this attachment, really.  But it's a choice.  I can keep it with me if I like (and sometimes I must because I am obviously not done learning WHY the pain is there) or I can let it go. As in set it down, CHOOSE not to keep it in me anymore, walk away from it. And with SHAME, it's usually someone else's bag of SH**, so they get to keep it. I don't need to carry it for them.

I used to worry that in doing this, I would become less commpassionate.
Some people , who wanted me to "stay" the way I "was" (pain receptacle, powerless, pleaser at all costs) would hit me hardest, telling me "what happened to the old you?  I NEED the old you back". Most secure and emotionally healthy people however, (and now even those old "naysayers") are not threatened by this and see it as a calm I now have.  But if they didn't see it (like my ex) who cares?
If anything, I am more compassionate than ever. Mostly because I can feel compassion for my own frailty as a human, and forgive myself and then in turn, forgive others for their humanity....
Because it is thier life path, thier journey as well. It may not be the way I would choose to do life, but I can bless it all the same. My ex is in pain. I don't take it for him anymore, but I can have compassion for his path, because he owns it and I don't. And he has the same chances I do to wake up. And it's not my problem if he doesn't. and it's okay for me to take care of myself.
So bless his pea pickin' little heart....I get to do life my way, and he gets to do his.  I can only influence so much, and I stick with that....and then I have to "let go" of the rest, and let who does control it (my children, for example) own it.  It's ok, though, as they will learn from it, in the same way we all learn from pain (if we wake up).

Now I get lots and lots of practice letting go of other peoples' pain, because my exN is always dragging me into court for this and that, being rude and controlling to my children, etc......so maybe that's why I have awakened so much...I get lots of practice dropping negative energy!!
 I have developed a new habit, through lots of repetition.
So when the Dalai Lama says "thank your enemies", I get it!!!

And as strange as it seems, everyone on this board, who is in pain, and searching, is truly blessed. For they are waking up....ready to learn a new pattern, and new way of doing life. In our own pain, we become more compassionate, and recognize the love we all share as a common human bond. And we pull each other up from the muck and say (as you did) "Look at the mountains! Let's go!"

I love your image of being  knee deep in muck but looking at the mountain tops as your focus. That is exactly what I feel. I try to feel what they air would be like up there.  I imagine myself there, and feel it in my body.  That is how I will manifest it. It all starts here. Right where we are (muck and all).