CoDA meetings-what to expect?

[Chicken]

Hi All-

Just a quick query...  I am planning on going to CoDA, has anyone been to one of these meetings?  What are they like?  What should I expect?  Are they helpful?  Do I have to talk?  I'm afraid that they are all going to be in worse situations than me and I will leave thinking I don't belong.  Is it mostly for wives/husbands of alcoholics?  Do they focus on that?  How do they work the group?

Thank you!

x Selkie x

[amethyst]

Hi Selkie, I've gone to CoDA many times. I found a wonderful women's meeting that I attended for a long time. Like any group, length and quality of recovery varied. The program is similar to Al-anon, same principles but not related to AA.  Many of the people I ran into at CoDa were the same people I saw in AA and Alanon and many were different. The people in the female CoDA group included a therapist, an Ob-Gyn, an auditor, a nurse, just all kinds of people. Intelligence level was high, but I also see that in all recovery programs. The people there were struggling with the same issues we struggle with on
this board. The discussion went around in a circle with no cross-talk, very similar to most AA and     
Al-anon meetings, which is very safe because everyone is respected and heard. Often one or two 
women would bring up a topic, or we might read from a book and discuss that. I loved the
women's meeting particularly. It eventually closed as some of us moved on to different areas of the country or had changes
in work hours. The town where I live has one of the strongest recovery communities in the country and 
many people come to Alanon for codepency issues that aren't related to alcoholism....like my husband. 
You would be welcome there too...nobody ever asks for bona fides...lol. I suggest going to several meetings
and then making one of them a "home group."                                                 

[spyralle]

Can I ask as well.......  Do you have to work the steps at CoDA meetings.  I'm thinking of going to Selkie.  There is a womans group near me and I like the thought of going but I'm not sure how it relates to the steps...

Spyralle x

[amethyst]

Can I ask as well.......  Do you have to work the steps at CoDA meetings.  I'm thinking of going to Selkie.  There is a womans group near me and I like the thought of going but I'm not sure how it relates to the steps...

Spyralle x

Working the steps is just a suggestion. Nobody insists. To the newcomer, 12 step work seems overwhelming. However, I'm going to tell you both a little secret.  By being on this board, going to therapy, or by going to meetings, you have already worked the first step, which is usually the hardest. The first step is where we admit,"I am powerless." In the case of codependency, we realize that we are powerless to change others and need to do the inside job to change ourselves.

Don't worry about the higher power stuff. That can be a big hangup for some.  I know atheists who have a higher power...the principles of the program or the group. I knew someone that made their cat their higher power for awhile. That person is still in recovery.  I know somebody else who said he felt his "good side that always knew the right thing to do" resided on his left shoulder and he made that part of his psyche on his left shoulder his higher power for awhile. This person was perfectly sane but was using visualization to help him temporarily... He is still in recovery too.  I say, about higher power, whatever works, go for it. 

All the programs are non-denominational, too. Usually at the beginning of meetings the Serenity Prayer will be said and at the end the Lord's Prayer. My husband and I are Jewish and say them both.

I have worked all twelve steps, several times, and on several different issues. Now they work me. At first they seemed overwhelming to me too, but after awhile they became as much a part of my life as brushing my teeth or having a morning cup of coffee.

[Chicken]

Thanks Amethyst!

Well, I was going to go to a meeting tonight, but it is mixed, and I kind of want to keep away from men while I am in this vulnerable state.  I just know I would feel more comfortable within a women only group, i don't know why really, I guess I kinda find my problem a bit embarrassing!  So...  I am going to go on Wednesday to a women only meeting.  That's it, that's what I am going to do and I am actually looking forward to it!

Spyralle, I think it's a great idea for you to go also, we need all the support we can get eh?    It's a way of ensuring you don't wind up in the same situation again, it keeps you aware of the problem, I imagine i will always be tempted by these men for the rest of my life maybe...  they come in different guises and I want to be able to spot them.

[jordanspeeps]

i sheepishly ask, how does one determine if s/he is co-dependent.  i'm familiar with the expression and it's uses, but i wonder what are the signs of co-dependency and is there a cognitive challenge involved?  in my ignorance, i have called my siblings, and myself, for that matter, co-dependent worried that none of us would ever "grow up," find ourselves, and become viable stand-alone citizens.  what's co-dependency and how do you know whether you are or are not?  could you function just fine at a certain level of co-dependence? not putting the heat on just you, selkie, anyone could respond.

tif

[amethyst]

i sheepishly ask, how does one determine if s/he is co-dependent.  i'm familiar with the expression and it's uses, but i wonder what are the signs of co-dependency and is there a cognitive challenge involved?  in my ignorance, i have called my siblings, and myself, for that matter, co-dependent worried that none of us would ever "grow up," find ourselves, and become viable stand-alone citizens.  what's co-dependency and how do you know whether you are or are not?  could you function just fine at a certain level of co-dependence? not putting the heat on just you, selkie, anyone could respond.

tif

Hi CeeMee, Here is a website that gives a short and excellent explanation. http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm#whatis 
I'd agree that any child brought up in a dysfunctional and traumatic home is bound to be codependent because of the behaviours we learned to survive childhood.

As far as functioning "just fine," with codependence, depends on one's definition of "just fine." Most codependents learn to say they are "just fine" in order to mask what is really happening to them internally and in their lives and relationships, so I tend to bristle at that expression because I know what it can hide. Having lived behind that mask for more than half a life-time made me delete the word "fine" from my vocabulary, unless I am referring to something like fine art. Personally, I would love to shed all my codependence and be done with it forever. Life is much easier without the baggage. Anyway, I feel that it took me forty years to get into recovery and I am certainly not going be healed in less than that amount of time. Good news is that ongoing recovery becomes a very fulfilling and adventurous process. I can still get stuck in the mire of codependency, but I certainly don't have to stay there long.

Not sure what you mean about "cognitive challenge." I do believe "naming" is a big part of the healing process, but so are feeling and action. It's not something that one can do on an intellectual level alone. For instance, before I got to recovery, I had read every self-help book I could get my hands on. They did help to some extent and gave me some useful techniques and tool, but without therapy and group support, I often didn't have the courage or clarity to do what needed to be done.

[jophil]

I might say my 2 Cents worth here -The term 'co-dependency'was originally used to describe the beliefs and behavior of partners of alcoholics. It had its roots in the AlAnon groups of the 1950's which were formed to help wives of AA members  come to terms with their husbands new sobriety.
Many of these women could not relinguish the power and control which they had assumed during their husband's drinking days and it was common for some of these gals to actually sabotage their husbands recovery.  So the phrase co-dependecy came to mean a kind 'complimentary pathology'.
These days the meaning of 'co-dependency' has become much broader and it has lost a lot of its' original focus. Originally it simply referred to a wife who assumed a morally superior position to an Alcoholic husband and who was convinced that she knew how and why he drank and also what to do about his drinking..She tended to believe that she knew the answers to most every other thing that was 'wrong' with him and believed that she held the solutions to all his problems if only he would do life HER way. Lots of self righteousness here, in spite of the fact that probably not ONE drunk had their life changed by these women!
In a nut-shell ,'co-dependency' is a cluster of beliefs and behaviors in which one person focuses on another persons welfare without (usually)any training or any experience in the treatment of the disorder. It is fuelled by self-importance and a desire to influence another person's life usually without an invitation to do so.There are severe boundary violations in the behavior. The co-dependent person commonly suffers from chronic stress related disorders and many times presents for treatment for 'stress'.
I could go on but I guess that you get the picture.

John P.

[vunil]

A couple more 2 cents:

The idea of codependency is, in my reading of the history, rooted in the psychological theory of Murray Bowen, among others (http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/murraybowen.html). 

A really good readable book that goes over these kinds of relationships is The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner.  Basically, one person underfunctions (e.g., by drinking too much and all that goes with that) and one person overfunctions to compensate.   It's not always the man who underfunctions and the woman who overfunctions!  In fact, it often goes in the reverse-- think of sugar daddies and women who act like babies.  And every alcoholic and drug addict is underfunctioning-- woman or man.  And it's not always romantic couples-- it is common in dysfunctional families for one child to become the "problem" and another to become the "good one" who "saves" the problem child.  The big lesson for me learning about this was realizing that the highly functioning person is not superior or healthier.  It's a dance and both are getting something out of it (something that keeps them from growing).  Of course, realizing all of this intellectually is a good start but I agree it's just a start--- I kept trying to "rescue" all kinds of people for years after I read these books .

I saw a movie years ago with Meg Ryan as an alcoholic and Andy Garcia (I think) as her husband.  It was a good exploration of codependency, although I thought it was a little tough on poor Andy.  Of course, I have a tendency to overfunction...

It does seem the word has lost some of its meaning, but on the other hand most of the use of it I've heard does have a kernel of all of the stuff above, and it's useful to have some sort of word to describe that "dance," imo.

[vunil]

Selkie, good luck at your meeting tomorrow! 

[Chicken]

Thanks Vunil x

I found another suitable one that I am going to go to tonight!!  -Am a bit nervous but I'm looking forward to hearing other peoples stories and learning more.  Don't want to do any talking, just listening!

Spyralle, are you going to go to yours? 

x Selkie x

[spyralle]

Hi Selkie,

The one I found was last night and I was in such a bad place that I didn't go.  It was like nothing else would work other than his return, but I will go next week...  I hope it all goes ok for you tonight and it is helpful for you

Spyralle x