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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?

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Discounted Girl:
Yes, I totally agree -- I have always thought it was quite shameful for in-family estrangements -- that it was for low class people and the Jerry Springer Show. Then, when the brick wall came down on my head and I finally washed my hands of my NQueenmother and all her evil ways, it has indeed freed up my time. Knowing that I won't ever have to hear that horrible voice hollering at me and accusing me and shocking me and expecting unbelievable things from me -- it is a true relief. However, it is still sad any way you want to look at it. I am sure she still tells her lies about me to any ear in the room, even if they don't believe it, she has been granted their respect (really bizarre). I am just glad I am done with her. I ask myself each day if I think I will ever feel guilty or when she dies feel like I made a mistake, and the answer is always NO. I had no choice but to cut with her -- she hates me, she always has and zeroed in all her weirdness mostly to me (she has others on whom she feeds, but I was her main source), so I had to protect myself and live my life. It's mine, not her's. Do I miss her? NOPE ... I am serious, I don't miss her at all. My past holds no fond memories of her -- never. Anyhow, if I die today I don't feel guilty. I ask the Lord about it too, and I never feel like I am holding a great burden or need to come clean. My Dad should have taken steps to get me away from her -- I will never understand why he chose to live with such a misery all those years. But, he is gone now, so, there ya go. Peace.

Guest:
Hi Sally, yes I left my N mom for good and many Ns far worse than the one I am struggling to leave now......

I did not have contact with my N mom for nearly 20 years. I cut it off entirely only after repeated attempts (about 8 years on and off) to get her to love me and to get her to be a "mom" to me.  Then I just stopped all together (cold turkey after 8 years!  :lol: ) and what a wonderful feeling I had finally! Freedom.  I hadn't know what I was missing.  If not for the foster care system I may not have ever left her.  I was forced to leave.  I still suffer for not having a family and yet I know now I would have suffered not having a family anyway had I stayed in contact and yet would have paid the price of striving for nothing.  By leaving I learned that in reality I'd never had what I'd feared loosing.  

I contacted her again a few months ago and was so glad I hadn't bothered for all those prior years.  AND, I also learned a lot about myself and about her by seeing her again.  

Interesting that although I barely lived with her at all after I was about 10 (foster homes etc. instead) I was reminded anew a few months ago when I saw her how much I'd ingested during that first decade when I was so impressionable.  I knew I was/children are sponges yet seeing her again taught me more intimately and emotionally what I had understood generally and intellectually.  It lit a fire under my arse to rid myself of the remnants.  I also became much more clear about my husbands Nism and how I respond to him and how I learned to be responsive to some folks who act like self absorbed butt heads by being raised with her.  

I also have more compassion for her than ever.  Still, I do not desire to spend time with her other than on a few rare occasions and that is mostly for the purpose of trying to get information about my background and to perhaps (if and when it suits me only) toss some comfort her way for the things she did to right as a parent.  I really have little to offer her anyway.  I cannot feed her desire for image vs. reality even when she  isn't at the moment presenting an insulting or defensive version of her falseness.  She has people in her life to give her that.  As seeker wisely noted in her post about forgiveness - it is not synonymous with reconciliation.  I forgave my mother long ago.  By that I mean I came to recognize emotionally as well as intellectually that she did do some things right as a parent and that she is just a human who under conditions only really experienced and knowable to herself became the damaged soul that she is.  My guess is that had I lived every moment of her childhood I'd have turned out very similar to her.  Our genetic make up as I understand it really only gives us very subtle differences in temperment.  An identical twin's chance of getting schizophrenia is still much more a result of environment than by genetics alone.  As for siblings - they each experience a different aspect of the same family so I don't count that as a fair comparison - to say they had the "same" childhood as she did.  They are all messed up in their own way anyhow.  


Sometimes I do feel guilt still- I haven't returned her last call for a month.  And, I get through it with shear ease.  I am able to respond to it, to myself, rather than react.  I just say to myself " hmmm, interesting, that is guilt I am feeling".  Without much thought I can instantly visualize what my life would be like if I let myself become beholding to her attempts at guilt.  Had I never left I don't think I'd have had a real understanding of what I was missing and so would not have been as motivated to stay away and have boundaries now. The foster homes were mostly hell yet I learned to keep moving.  I also have no trouble realizing that she let me grow up very alone and having to find other sources to look to and that she also has done without me for 20 years.  When I was taken from home by social services due to a policeman discovering I was being locked in the backyard she said it was 99%my fault and 1% hers for being human.  She would point up at the hospital windows when we went to a Dr. appt. and she was worried they'd notice my bruised and she would tell me that their were children in those rooms whose parents burned them with cigarettes and I was lucky that she didn't do that.  I have not trouble recalling that if I dare utter one word about responsibility for the past her rage with uncoil like a striking snake.  I can still hear the veiled hardness in her voice when I spoke with her this summer.  When she visited a few months ago my having had melanoma was of no expressed concern to her only that we weren't going to the museum she had wanted to go to.  She barely contained her anger and it rattled in her voice.  Yet regarding my health there was not even a tinge of care.  

Now I am working on leaving my N husband.  I have left much worse Ns that him (before I knew about "Nism") and it always took me longer than I had hoped and yet I have learned so much each time and have graduated to lesser versions of N men over the years.  I believe that seeing my mother again and finding this site and the support here and realizing there was this constant pattern in my relationships I now will never get up close and personal with an N type again.  I really feel in a knowing way that is true. With each departure I learn more about how to avoid the road back.   Meanwhile I still am struggling with getting out of my current situation.  

Not a black and while all or nothing answer and yet I hope this helps illustrate some of what leaving (and even leaving again for good) can be  about.  

Take Care.
Accappella - signing in as guest because I don't want my N-traited husband reading my posts, he found out about this site...arrg.

mcg31360:
Sally:
I left my  Nfamily behind, except for my aunt(Nmom's sister).  After struggling for years, cutting them off periodically, and then going back for more of the same,  I finally reached my limit one day.  The way I look at it is that I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from a stranger, so why tolerate it from a family member? :wink:
My cousin committed suicide several years ago, and that was the final straw for me.  Do you know what the Ns in the family had to say about that? "She had a lot of problems!"  Well, I guess so!  She ran away from home in the first grade!!!  It never occured any of them that THEY were the problem. :roll:
I am 49, and it has taken me this long to get where I am in this situation.  I can honestly tell you that I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life.  I am remarried to a wonderful man with a beautiful family.  They can't even fathom belonging to a family like mine.  I never miss any of the Ns that I left behind and don't feel the slightest bit guilty.  I don't wish anything bad on them, only pity for being so screwed up.
"Misery loves company" is the phrase that comes to mind when thinking about my Nfamily. They are all miserable. They are backstabbing, manipulative liars. They talk about each other and everyone else behind their backs. I'm sorry that their lives are so miserable, but that's no reason to let them keep ruining mine.
I hope you find the courage you need to keep up what you feel you must do. Only YOU know what's best for you. My heart goes out to you.  Good luck!

Hugs,
Cathi

Guest:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---Guest,

I almost felt if I would have left him I would have been letting him down as well as myself.  I am not a quitter.  I work hard at what I want in my life and damn it I wanted him.  But it is what it is and I thank goodness that he was the type of N who walked away and with no  contact.

I actually think about what we could have had if he would have been, "Normal".  He would have been the one.  Instead I realise now that he is the one missing out.  I gave it my all...

until I dont have to turn my head so the people around me can't see me cry.  

Jaded
--- End quote ---


These words you write are straight out of my experience & heart as well.   If my xN had have been "normal", he is the first man ever, that I would have considered marrying!! (and I am over 35-but younger than 40  :wink: )

I'm definitely getting better after 4 months, thankfully,  but I'm still quite upset at times, and there are also so many times when I just can't believe all of this has happened.   Am I in a Twilight Zone episode?   Sometimes I still hold out hope that I'm going to wake up in bed, in a cold sweat, and that it will all have been a bad dream.   Nothing that a nice glass of water wouldn't cure!   :(

Anonymous:
it's been over a year now since I stopped taking my father's calls, and I can no longer hear his voice in my head.
I forgive him, but I still don't want him in my life.
The rest of the family don't understand this, or how calm and happy I am.
But I finally relaised its up to me, its not about them and its my life.

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