Re: Hurricane Katrina Apathy??? Thread:
Sallying Forth,
I think the response to your thread demonstrates a lack of apathy.... 
MP
I wrote this thread to express my identification with the "thrown away" people in NOLA. I can easily identify with that.
Who are you saying demonstrates a lack of apathy?
The response? I am confused.
... well I am simply not on the same wavelength as
the responders to that thread (Hurricane Katrina Apathy???).
Below is where my heart and mind have been for the past week.
I can easily identify with that. I was thrown away - cast away from my family; sold to my perpetrators to be abused any way, shape or form they desired. Three different men used and abused me as they desired with no regard for my emotional, physical, spiritual and mental well being. I've been dealing with this for the past 7 days, 8 days now, on all levels.
Early this morning (Wednesday), after reading Trapped In The Mirror and writing more chapters in my book I got the bottomline - I always wanted to have a father who loved me. I had two fathers and neither one could show me love. Then during therapy I asked how I could get what I need. And my t said I must internalize a supportive and loving father figure or figures. He asked me if I ever knew any men like that when I was a child. My t indicated that it would be best if these men were part of my life during my younger years. I could think of four male teachers (one who was both a teacher and the principal of my school) who each had a positive and supportive impact on my life. All were part of my life in grade school.
However while discussing this with my therapist I realized I am not
there yet. I can't internalize until I've dealt with whatever memories need to be worked through. I know this is true because I feel it in my heart - I literally got heart palpitations (like the day I knew my father wasn't my biological father). I am writing those chapters in my book which contain those horrid memories of abuse. I had a confirmation nightmare about a memory surfacing several days prior to writing about it.
I am writing about the memories as I have them. It is a very interesting and strange process. My main character is being supported by a man whom I now realize IS one of those father figures I had in grade school. I am even using the man's name in the book. I didn't realize this until today. So when I do the final corrections I'll have to change his name as well as my bioNfather's first name.
Also during the last 8 days I've accepted who my bioNfather is. I have a full name for him. I just wish I had a picture. I have the picture from my collage work. He will look similar to that. I'm still tracking down the picture. I'm probably going to have to search Who's Who. I have used this resource in the past to find my perpetrators.
To realize that there was absolutely no support in my family for my well being has been difficult to accept. I thought possibly my father was supportive. However I now accept that he was just as abusive and neglectful as my Nmother. And both of them thought of me as something to discard, to throw away, and to sell for actual money to my bioNfather and two other very powerful and connected men. I do have full memory of the actual moment the money exchanged hands and the agreement was drawn up. I remember the house where it happened. I can describe in detail every room in that house. 
I wish to God that I made this all up. I wish to God that none of this ever happened to me. I wish to God that my bioNfather wasn't my main perpetrator and torturer.However it is all true.
Inside I feel like a wasteland - used and littered with someone else's contaminants. I can even identify with the toxic goo in NOLA.
And I know there will be many more days of wailing and peeling off the stinky layers of goo before I find the me I was meant to be. Right now it seems like an unsurmountable, huge mountain of toxic goo. I thought I was near the end and then found more toxic goo.
It's two steps forward and one step back into the toxic goo of contaminants.
