How do I break out of this cycle?

[miss piggy]

Hi there October,

PTSD sounds pretty bad.  I had panic attacks for a while myself, but this was just a brief period of my life and it's been managed, thank goodness.  So I'm so sorry you are in so much pain and frustration.

You know, I was thinking along the lines of what mum said as well.  Like, there must be some way to get some help outside of the traditional medical profession.  I'm glad mum had some concrete suggestions. 
Are there any other safe places to give you a change of scenery like the ocean, etc.? I found that things that I could touch and feel helped me to get out of my head.  Like sitting in the sun, staring at some leaves.  I know it sounds weird, and I would still feel crummy but not as crummy. 

This is probably like suggesting you get a Kleenex to hold back one of these hurricanes...but well, I can't help but hold out hope that there is another path out of your pain.  I hope so.  And I hope it reveals itself very soon.

Take care and thanks for letting us know how you are doing.   MP

[October]

Take care and thanks for letting us know how you are doing.   MP

It does help if I get to the sea.  I love the sea.  Perhaps I can try to do that.  I am falling into feeling helpless, and that is not a good place to be.  Or walking in the park - I like scrunching through autumn leaves, and I can do that just walking from home.  Maybe that would work.

The trouble is, I take myself with me wherever I go.  There is no such thing as a holiday.  Just sleep.  Then waking again.  Perhaps this will all wear off by itself in time.

[Plucky]

((((((((((October))))))))))))
I wish I could say something wonderful and helpful and soothing.   Just know that people out here are thinking about you and wishing you peace.
Plucky

[October]

((((((((((October))))))))))))
I wish I could say something wonderful and helpful and soothing.   Just know that people out here are thinking about you and wishing you peace.
Plucky

You always do, Plucky. 

Bit better today.  The sun is shining, and the birds are eating all the berries off the trees and bushes in my garden, which is wonderful, because that is what they are there for. 
 

[enigma]

 Thanks Mum for good suggestions.
Remarkable. If it had worked on you then why shouldn t work on  us ?
Actually I lıked the idea as much it's not the first time I heard it.
But this is the matter of applying what we know.Many of us actually do know what to do in many occasions but we fail to do for some reasons.
To be honest I have tried it as well for a lıttle time but I couldn't manage to have it on. Have to try it again.
Thanks to remind.
Anyway. Wish you good luck October.

[mum]

Enigma: you're welcome, and of course, you have heard this before. 
I had heard it a thousand times before I internalized it.
 
Why is it so hard for us to do that? Because learning is hard stuff. And those of us who have been trained by N's to not believe in ourselves have a hard time believing that we could be in control of our own lives. Those of us who are "healers" are drawn to N's (and visa versa) because we take other people's pain for them....unfortunately, N's don't really appreciate this, but get addicted to it and our good intentions become thier N supply...

I do not always take my own good advice, of course. But I have been at the bottom of the ocean often enough, barely breathing emotionally, to know that when that happens (and it still does) how to get myself back up to the surface to breathe.
Perhaps it was easier for me to get to this point because I am a naturally optimistic person, or because I did not have horrible N parents like so many here, so my 20 ish years dealing with a Nidiot was a very long lesson, but not formulative.  Well, that's not really true, my experiences with the father of my children has been the making of me, really. "Thank your enemies" makes sense to me now.  But my childhood was not abusive. My own take on things I learned as a child through religion may be seen as more formulative than my parents, really.
Anyway, the learning is there, the healing is possible for all of us (N's too, but it's unlikely they will seek it out).

((((((October)))))). How are you doing?  Sending you love.

[October]

((((((October)))))). How are you doing?  Sending you love.

Well, I am still here.  I didn't get any ironing done, nor any gardening.    However, I finished reading Oliver Twist (yet again). 

And I took my daughter out to visit a pet shop, because her budgie died a couple of days ago, and we had to bury her in the garden.  So we went to look at other birds, but we didn't buy one, because neither of us wants to rush into getting another pet just yet.  However, the canaries looked very sweet ...  Maybe for her birthday in February.   

Also I rang the hospital where my ex is currently, and he now says he does not have cancer.  Two weeks ago the hospital told me he was dying, now he says he is fine and going home next week.  Which does not fit with the chemotherapy, the cirrhosis, the brain scans, or the problems with breathing because it has spread to his lungs.

Struggling to detach from this insanity, and to remember that he is not fine, he does have cancer, and that denial is a very real feature of many people who are seriously ill.  And of alcoholics.  And their parents.  I probably sound stupid, but I have had my reality distorted so many times by this <expletive>, it is a real struggle to maintain it. 

I tend to believe what I am told, and then have to work out that perhaps it is not true, and I find that really difficult.  I find it hard to understand that some people say what is not true.  That is the part of me which did not ever grow up; just a kid who pretends to be adult, thinking everyone says what is true all the time, because why would they lie?  Except that what they say is not true.  But why would they lie?  Looping round and round.  Why would they lie? 

And the adult me has to break into that and try to understand that ex (and his parents) is lying because he cannot face the reality of his own mortality, and imminent death.  And I also have to realise that denying it will not make it go away, any more than believing it will make it happen.  And also that it is not my problem.  My daughter is my concern.  My ex is not, because he threw away that right years ago.  Step away from it.

Depression a bit of a problem.  Understandable, though, I think.

Thank God for divorce.  And for ex being 100 miles away from us.   

[Sallying Forth]

I've been away for a 20th anniversary celebration ...


I wanted to add that since I started a regular exercise and good nutrition program my PTSD symptoms have lessened considerably. I still have the occasional nightmare - had one two nights ago. However the anxiety and panic attacks have decreased.

And one more thing ... I wish I had known about regular exercise and good nutrition when I first began my healing journey years ago. It would have helped me tremendously.