I am left with emptiness and a deep loneliness however. I think loneliness is the hardest emotion to deal with...
Is there anything wrong with loneliness? Should I be trying to figure it out or should I try to ignore it? Is loneliness just part of Life?
Hi Selkie, it sounds like you are having a bad day/week/month/etc.
I've been through this recently, as well. Loneliness is wanting to be with other (safe) people, but NOT being with others for whatever reason. The first part is a normal, healthy part of being human. We are herd animals, after all.
It is the last part that triggers the horrible feelings.
For me, I was afraid that I would die without others, but at the same time, I had had so many bad experiences that I was very hesitant to get close to anyone. Figuring out what was really going on with me was the hard part. Then, I attacked both pieces. I mentally went back to childhood and felt the unpleasant feelings of fear of abandonment and neglect and welcomed it inside me. I reminded myself that I was an adult now and that I don't need anyone else to take care of me like a parent takes care of a child. I can take care of myself in every way now. For the second part, I have spent a lot of time analyzing (obsessing
) the behavior of people in my life who have hurt me deeply. I know I understand them better when I see them as flawed, hurting human beings who are lashing out in pain, rather than scary, powerful people who are bigger than me. Your mileage may vary on the causes in your life, but there is probably something there that causes you to be afraid to be alone. It was probably true at one point in the past, but probably *isn't* true anymore.
I have so many issues I don't know where to start. I have no sense of self. I tell everyone everything about myself which seems to give them so much power over me. I never trust my judgement on things. I never seem to be of one mind on things, never know how I feel about things. I am needy. I constantly compare myself to others, the list is endless and the more I learn about myself, the more I dislike. I'm not sure I want to dig deeper, as I am just finding muck!!! I preferred when I wrapped myself in cotton wool and lived in ignorance and denial. I feel horrible. Can anyone relate to the pain of being exposed after all your walls come crumbling down and you decide to throw away your crutches? I'm sure this situation will lead to me finding myself and learning to fly but at the moment it feels really horrible.
It does feel bad to be aware of unpleasant feelings. That is why so many people use supression or denial as a defense. What feels horrible to you now probably felt totally overwhelming to you when you were younger. Feeling those unpleasant feelings, giving them space, and feeling them as long as you need to deeply accept them, will remove the pressure and urgency from them. IT is the only way I have found. Otherwise, they just keep coming back to me over and over again.
However, NONE of the things you listed above are you. You are describing (very common!) coping behaviors that you probably learned to try to survive your childhood. You can change all of these behaviors, because they are not you. They didn't even come from you. They came in response to people and situations beyond your understanding or control. *You* are a wonderful person. I think that right now it is easier for us to see and know about you, than it is for you to do it. Give it some time. Take opportunities to pamper yourself. Make sure you are getting enough rest, excercise and good nutrition.
and lastly... Is it possible I am feeling like this because I missed my counselling session today? I got my days mixed up and I missed my appointment... just an afterthought...
This might be both the cause and effect. Is it possible you "forgot" to go because you are afraid and want to avoid the feelings that come up? Have you told your counsellor that you feel like counselling is bringing up a lot of unpleasant and difficult feelings and you don't feel that you have enough support? Plus, since you didn't go, you didn't even get the usual amount of support you would for this week. That is bound to make you feel even worse.
(((((((((((((Selkie))))))))))))
