Author Topic: Loneliness is painful isn't it?  (Read 5956 times)

Chicken

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Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« on: September 29, 2005, 05:04:19 PM »
Hello Everyone,

Well my ex-abusive-boyfriend is well and truly out of the picture, thanks to you all for your kind words and support during that episode. 

I am left with emptiness and a deep loneliness however.  I think loneliness is the hardest emotion to deal with...
Is there anything wrong with loneliness?  Should I be trying to figure it out or should I try to ignore it?  Is loneliness just part of Life? 

I feel a little depressed and hyper-sensitive too.  I am still going to counselling once a week and maybe that is making me feel down in the dumps...  it leaves me feeling a little exposed. 

I have so many issues I don't know where to start.  I have no sense of self.  I tell everyone everything about myself which seems to give them so much power over me.  I never trust my judgement on things.  I never seem to be of one mind on things, never know how I feel about things.  I am needy.  I constantly compare myself to others, the list is endless and the more I learn about myself, the more I dislike.  I'm not sure I want to dig deeper, as I am just finding muck!!!  I preferred when I wrapped myself in cotton wool and lived in ignorance and denial.  I feel horrible.  Can anyone relate to the pain of being exposed after all your walls come crumbling down and you decide to throw away your crutches?  I'm sure this situation will lead to me finding myself and learning to fly but at the moment it feels really horrible.

Counselling just seems to concentrate on the bad things about yourself doesn't it?  It's so hard to pick yourself up when you are being criticised by yourself and your counsellor...  well, it's not criticism I guess, but sometimes it feels like I am picking myself to pieces...

and lastly...  Is it possible I am feeling like this because I missed my counselling session today?  I got my days mixed up and I missed my appointment...  just an afterthought...

x Selkie x





Gail

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2005, 05:27:32 PM »
Hi Selkie,

Yes, loneliness is very painful.    I ended my relationship with BF today and am feeling extremely sad and upset and lonely. 

Abusive behavior, no matter what its form, is painful, too, though.  I'd rather have the pain of loneliness.  I know I can take steps to find healthy relationships (not necessarily romantic) so that will ease with time.  Life with someone who abuses you never gets better.  It just gets worse.

Gail

Sallying Forth

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2005, 05:42:10 PM »
(((((((((((((Selkie))))))))))))) Big hugs for you!

Glad to hear that abusive, now exb is out of your life!  :)

I can relate to almost everything you shared. It was that way in the beginning and most of the way through therapy for me. Very tough. Each week brought more and more muck and at one time I thought of quitting. I didn't. I used to vomit when I got close to something I didn't want to see. I fought a constant need to run away from therapy and my life. Denial seemed to be a safer state of mind than finding the truth.

The emptiness - I always tried to fill it with something. Now I have myself and getting to know me and the feeling of emptiness is beginning to fade.

Have you read When Hope Can Kill? It is excellent. There's a question/answer section in the book. Essentially it is a workbook to write about your feelings. It emphasizes looking into your childhood to discover the real you.

The therapeutic process got better when I began to heal the wounds of my shattered childhood. I am now coming through the other side - finding me and liking the me I have found. I trust my judgments, decisions, and intuition more and more every day.


Anything is possible - missing a counseling appointment (with my current t) used to throw me into a tailspin. I would get depressed. It was sometimes the only interaction I had with the outside world.
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

Bloopsy

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2005, 05:53:16 PM »
oh my god Selkie I can totally relate to most everything you wrote.
 "I have no sense of self"
I felt like that forever and ever and ever it seems. That is so hard. You will get a sense of yourself as time goes by. I felt like that all my life pretty much and now I have a little sense of myself!!!
   I think the kind of loneliness that comes after an abusive relationship and  after an abusive life is a lot different than regular old loneliness because it is accumulated loneliness of the years, and of being so lonely while with people that were  so abusive or so unhealthy that they were not really there for you.
I can really relate about learning all these things you don't like about yourself too!!! Just remember that you needed a lot of those things before and it is really really hard to develop yourself while being around abusive ns without developing qualities that are more like survival mechanisms. You will find many wonderful things about yourself too.

((((Selkie)))))))
« Last Edit: September 29, 2005, 05:54:47 PM by Bloopsy »

longtire

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2005, 06:52:34 PM »
I am left with emptiness and a deep loneliness however.  I think loneliness is the hardest emotion to deal with...
Is there anything wrong with loneliness?  Should I be trying to figure it out or should I try to ignore it?  Is loneliness just part of Life?
Hi Selkie, it sounds like you are having a bad day/week/month/etc.  :(  I've been through this recently, as well.  Loneliness is wanting to be with other (safe) people, but NOT being with others for whatever reason.  The first part is a normal, healthy part of being human.  We are herd animals, after all. :)  It is the last part that triggers the horrible feelings.

For me, I was afraid that I would die without others, but at the same time, I had had so many bad experiences that I was very hesitant to get close to anyone.  Figuring out what was really going on with me was the hard part.  Then, I attacked both pieces.  I mentally went back to childhood and felt the unpleasant feelings of fear of abandonment and neglect and welcomed it inside me.  I reminded myself that I was an adult now and that I don't need anyone else to take care of me like a parent takes care of a child.  I can take care of myself in every way now.  For the second part, I have spent a lot of time analyzing (obsessing  :oops:) the behavior of people in my life who have hurt me deeply.  I know I understand them better when I see them as flawed, hurting human beings who are lashing out in pain, rather than scary, powerful people who are bigger than me.  Your mileage may vary on the causes in your life, but there is probably something there that causes you to be afraid to be alone.  It was probably true at one point in the past, but probably *isn't* true anymore.

Quote from: Selkie
I have so many issues I don't know where to start.  I have no sense of self.  I tell everyone everything about myself which seems to give them so much power over me.  I never trust my judgement on things.  I never seem to be of one mind on things, never know how I feel about things.  I am needy.  I constantly compare myself to others, the list is endless and the more I learn about myself, the more I dislike.  I'm not sure I want to dig deeper, as I am just finding muck!!!  I preferred when I wrapped myself in cotton wool and lived in ignorance and denial.  I feel horrible.  Can anyone relate to the pain of being exposed after all your walls come crumbling down and you decide to throw away your crutches?  I'm sure this situation will lead to me finding myself and learning to fly but at the moment it feels really horrible.
It does feel bad to be aware of unpleasant feelings.  That is why so many people use supression or denial as a defense.  What feels horrible to you now probably felt totally overwhelming to you when you were younger.  Feeling those unpleasant feelings, giving them space, and feeling them as long as you need to deeply accept them, will remove the pressure and urgency from them.  IT is the only way I have found.  Otherwise, they just keep coming back to me over and over again.

However, NONE of the things you listed above are you.  You are describing (very common!) coping behaviors that you probably learned to try to survive your childhood.  You can change all of these behaviors, because they are not you.  They didn't even come from you.  They came in response to people and situations beyond your understanding or control.  *You* are a wonderful person.  I think that right now it is easier for us to see and know about you, than it is for you to do it.  Give it some time.  Take opportunities to pamper yourself.  Make sure you are getting enough rest, excercise and good nutrition.

Quote from: Selkie
and lastly...  Is it possible I am feeling like this because I missed my counselling session today?  I got my days mixed up and I missed my appointment...  just an afterthought...
This might be both the cause and effect.  Is it possible you "forgot" to go because you are afraid and want to avoid the feelings that come up?  Have you told your counsellor that you feel like counselling is bringing up a lot of unpleasant and difficult feelings and you don't feel that you have enough support?  Plus, since you didn't go, you didn't even get the usual amount of support you would for this week.  That is bound to make you feel even worse.

(((((((((((((Selkie))))))))))))
longtire

- The only thing that was ever really wrong with me was that I used to think there was something wrong with *me*.  :)

jdiam46

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #5 on: September 29, 2005, 07:10:12 PM »
Hello,
I can relate to what you are saying as I struggle with loneliness as well. What has truly been a help to me is finding activities that I enjoy inside and outside of the home. Hanging out with some good friends or just finding a hobby has helped to keep me occupied. The relationships I have had were not abusive, but rather these women were out to change me or only looking at "What is in this for me" and not looking at the person for who they are. I don't know what type of activities you enjoy, but perhaps finding a hobby may help you as well. Hope this helps. Have a great day.

jdiam46

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2005, 07:15:46 PM »
Hello,
In my reply I meant to mention that it is hard to just ignore the the loneliness because it is so prevalent. I have found that just going out with friends or just finding a hobby has helped me to work through those times of loneliness. Hope it may you also.

Chicken

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2005, 07:45:18 PM »
Thanks very much for your replies, It's nice to know that there are other lonely ole souls out there!!

longtire, I genuinely missed my counselling appointment as I was out of town for a few days and when I got back, it totally threw me off my routine and I got my days all mixed up.  I went there to pay her anyway, it was an expensive mistake!  I cried all the way home as I was just so gutted, felt like I really needed that session today and believe me, I don't have that kind of money to burn  ...self pity city!!!

Anyway, I am willing to do the work on myself and my past and whatever it is that seems to be haunting me.  I think I have run away from my feelings for too long as I have been carrying around a weight and sadness for what seems to be a long long time. 

Sometimes I wonder if it's part of my genetic make up and if I am just a naturally sad and deep and lonely person by nature.  I wonder if I am wasting my time trying to get to the bottom of it.  Is there always an answer?  Maybe I shouldn't dwell in my depths, maybe I should move in to shallower waters and seek shelter...  Do we ever really understand ourselves?  Isn't there always something niggling away at us?  Isn't it human nature to be always striving for the unattainable? 

I am a creative/artistic person and I think creative people are kind of like this...  kind of semi-tortured!   :?

I wonder am I causing myself more damage by opening this can of worms that is myself!

...just thinking out loud, if anyone wants to rant or has anything to add to this, feel free!!

Mati

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2005, 04:35:00 AM »
Hi Selkie

wow, I can so relate to you. I am going through the pain of a lifetime, which has been denied, since I left my husband. Sometimes I feel that I cannot take any more, and then I come up to breathe fresh air and realise that I am seeing more and more of reality and am at last making sense of my life, and the abusers in it, ie parents, two husbands, a daughter and xm-i-l.

I wonder why your t is not building up your self esteem by telling you the good qualities she sees in you. Ask yourself what they are. Are you a caring person? Do you appreciate love? Do you want honesty and integrity in your life?

I believe that the pain I am going through is vital, to enable me to be free eventually, and for me to build a life where I am fulfilled and have healthy relationships for the first time. But it is unbearable at times and I have felt like giving up frequently. Sometimes it feels like I have made no progress and I am still an emotional mess, but this negative thinking can be overcome by realising that here will be negative days, but they will pass and I should not take much notice of my thoughts on those days. On the good days, things look better and better as my new friendships are building up, but it all takes time and I think that the right sort of support is vital, and if you do not have it you must find it. And trust that the 'universe' or God, or whatever you believe in, will bring it to you when you are seeking it and agreeing to the process of healing. Be brave and courageous, your mind wants to heal and will do so all you have to do is to go along with the process. You are not alone, there are others going through it and can help you along the way. I found myself left totally alone in life, and too sick to go out most of the time, but the most important person in life, and the one who will always be there for you, is yourself and you can have a good relationship with yourself once you break free of shame.

Take care
Mati

Brigid

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2005, 08:42:27 AM »
Selkie,
Like many before have said, lonliness goes with the territory of working through the pain of ending a relationship and healing the injuries.  But I found that if I could use that lonely time to reflect on my life, the choices I had made and where I wanted to go, it became a vital part of my healing experience.  You are still relatively early on in the process.  I promise that it does get better.

I can totally identify with the loss of self.  I even started a thread many months ago titled "In search of my self."  It took me a whole year in therapy before I could venture back to my childhood and all the pain that was hiding there.  It is very hard to go there and realize what you had missed as a child and that you were not truly loved and cared for properly.  However, for me it was the beginning of the complete healing that needed to happen for my life to feel whole once again--or maybe for the first time.  I was finally able to start looking at life from the standpoint of the possibilities of joy it held rather than the fear, sadness and lonliness I had been experiencing.  I certainly still have further to go on my journey, but I travel now without looking back with melancholy, but look forward with anticipation.  I pray you get to that point as well.  Try not to be afraid.  It will be messy for awhile, but there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and you are certainly not travelling alone.

Blessings,

Brigid

Stormchild

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2005, 09:10:09 PM »
Abusive behavior, no matter what its form, is painful, too, though.  I'd rather have the pain of loneliness.  I know I can take steps to find healthy relationships (not necessarily romantic) so that will ease with time.  Life with someone who abuses you never gets better.  It just gets worse.

Amen, amen, amen, amen, amen.

Chicken

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2006, 06:58:32 PM »
Hi All,
It's been a while since i posted, I hope you are all doing well.
 
The reason I popped in here tonight is that I am in that familiar place again, A melancholy and lonely place!  Looking back over the years, I have always felt this way...  thirty plus years of my life...  I suppose it's time to accept it rather than fight it, or try to change it...I mean, it has never been any other way.  Yeah, I have moments where it's alright, but that's just because I keep busy.   I feel like I am missing some kind of chip that enables you to connect with another human being.
 
Does anyone have any insights on why this happens to people?  What is the lesson in loneliness?  When I was in the abusive relationship last year, it was just as painful, but there was a lesson in it, so therefore it was useful.  I found out why I was attracted to such abusive personalities etc... but what's the lesson here?  Why am I in this lonely place...  I put myself here didn't I?  Why?  I don't like it...

Any ideas?

Hopalong

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2006, 08:45:17 PM »
Hey Sweetie,
My very first post on this forum was asking for help with loneliness...you are not alone in your loneliness!
This is from your older post:
Quote
a naturally sad and deep and lonely person by nature
...plus, you mentioned the curse of the creative types.

I want to say NO you are not naturally sad and lonely. YES you are naturally deep and sensitive.

I would also say that this same struggle, has driven me deeper into both therapy and my church community. I have needed EVERY POSSIBLE weapon to prevent my pain (which translated into feeling lonely, even in a crowd of kindness) from overwhelming me.

As a young poet, I was terrified by the conclusion I was creeping toward: do I have to be as tormented and sad as I'm feeling now to be good at this? I deliberately sought out stories of poets who were NOT crazy, alcoholic, or suicidal...I had been so frightened by the stereotype.

Please...don't let a stereotype about artists fool you. You are a distinct individual with your own path to walk and OWN WHOLENESS to discover.

Please don't give up on yourself. I agree with Jac that drama is a key word...maybe we "creative types" confuse happiness with drama. If it's not INTENSE OPERATIC happiness, we think we haven't found it. We undervalue things like simple serenity and overlook our own wellbeing by being attracted to intensity (disturbance) in others. But I think we can unlearn these things....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Selkie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hopalong
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2224Jessica

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #13 on: January 26, 2006, 10:06:00 PM »
Hi Selkie,
I feel for you in this time. Loneliness is horrible, I think it's one of the worst things ever. I have been lonley before and I wondered what is the point in life. I don't really know what to say but that I want to be there for you and I want you to know that you are valuable and you deserve happiness...
I guess we all deal with things differently. Things that I found helped me get through times of loneliness and despair are:
-listening to motivational cds while sleeping
-painting, to express how I feel, an outlet.
-retail therapy
-allowing myself to cry and feel everything, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger
-having a friend to listen
-finding a peaceful place to go to (beach, quiet hill over looking a beautiful view)
-journalling
-gym work out
-make over (hair color change or a haircut)

All the best Selkie
Jessica :)

write

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Re: Loneliness is painful isn't it?
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2006, 02:18:23 AM »
Hi Selkie

yes, loneliness is one of the most difficult emotions to resolve practically and psychologically.

Sometimes 'friends just can't be found' and I think we all grew up with the myth that one day we'd all have a special partner to share our lives- it's a hard fantasy to let go of.

It takes time to learn self-sufficiency and happiness in being alone. Some days I think i am there, other days I just wish i had someone to run to, just to fall into them for a while and be loved.

But if I go out looking for a someone I know I'll be back to the same old situation...

I am working my way through a daybook, the author recommends finding a beautiful blank book & keeping a 'thankfulness' diary, writing down 5 things each day you are thankful for.
It's helping me see that there are things to smile at every day, my growing son, the puppy, the beauty around me, also helping me track the things people are doing for me, a gift or a letter, a favour, a shared moment...

I spend most of my time now alone, the dog has been the best companion and remedy to physical loneliness, always ready for a walk or to lie at my feet, moving wherever I go.

As for the psychological loneliness, that aching emptiness inside, I am hoping that as I heal myself it will fade. It is fading, I am more at peace with solitude, and have found ways to reach out to good people without being vulnerable to life's wolves...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) here's a big hug.