tried to have a conversation... perspective, please?

[vunil]

Hi, y'all--

As some know, I just had a baby and my folks are visiting.  They aren't staying here at night, just during the day.  I am on my own and feel like I need their help.  I could hire someone if I wanted to, though, instead, and will do that soon.  Anyway, it has been almost a month now and it has gone ok (better than I feared, for sure) but there have been a lot of little things that built up and got me really upset this morning.  I tried to have a conversation about it.  It was a disaster.  Now I am needing some perspective.

Basically, what has happened is that my neediness has translated into a loss of all boundaries (to them).  My entire house is up for grabs-- irrelevant parts of the house (the garage, the linen closet) have been completely redone by my parents in ways I wouldn't choose.  Most of the time I need something or ask for something, I am told I am wrong to want it and given something else.  Or, given that thing but then told why I was wrong forever after to want it.  This includes items for my daughter.  I am so tired of defending the smallest thing that I have become almost completely voiceless, until this morning when I burst into tears.  My mother asked why I was upset and I tried to explain and she said that she and my father would leave immediately "if that's what you want."  I knew that would be the response-- complete black and white thinking.  It is a great manipulative tool, isn't it, because I know if I mention anything I want differently from how things are then they will reject me altogether and leave.  I feel dependent on them and don't want them to leave, which makes me feel like a child again.  Maybe I should have them leave?  Argh.  It is really tough.  All I know is that I becoming really insecure and meek and unwilling to state my wants, in my own house, about my own child. 

When I tried to have a conversation, my mother kept saying "all you want is for me to tell you you are right all the time."  It was eerie.  We were talking about things like what kind of diapers I want for my (own!) daughter-- just basic requests I had for the next trip to the grocery store.  I can't really fathom what it means to be wrong about that.  She said "I have to speak up when I know something is wrong; that's just how I am."  But we are talking about what I want to eat, how I want to dress my daughter, when I want her to sleep, etc.  I cannot tell you how tiring it is to face the barage of negative arguments every time I ask for something.  It makes me wonder if the help is worth it.  If I say "I want her to sleep on her back because that helps prevent SIDS" then my dad will say "she isn't going to get SIDS."  If I say that I want to put her in a particular outfit today my mother will say "this other outfit is already ready for her to wear" and put that on her instead.  They both make many declarations about things that are (1) the opposite of what I just said, and (2) ridiculous (e.g., "she isn't going to get SIDS" or "you don't have to worry about smothering because babies don't smother").

Just for background, I had a pretty awful childhood (not as awful as some, but not very great), was sexually abused by a stranger due to my parents' neglect, and tried to talk to my parents about all of that about 10 months ago.  It was a disaster, they implied they didn't believe me (I am wrong my default, I guess) or didn't think I was having the proper response to it, or something, and we have never talked about the attempted discussion again.  In that discussion they threatened never to talk to me again (black and white thinking again-- it is how they respond to stress).  It is likely all of that is hanging over our current interactions, but if I can't defend my choice of diapers I can't imagine trying to defend my impression of my childhood so resolving all that is definitely out of the question.  For what it is worth they have never expressed the slightest sympathy, empathy, regret, anything over the abuse and I think I will always resent them for that.

I feel really lost.  Please help?  I haven't felt this lost in many many years-- it's as if I've forgotten what I am allowed to want, to ask for.  I feel as if I have no boundaries, as if everything about me is up for questioning, as if I don't really have the right to assert the most basic desires without being judged.  And if I hear one more big declaration of "truth" that they utterly make up to insult me I will silently scream.

Thanks, y'all. I'm glad you are here. 

[miss piggy]

Hello, hello, Vunil!

Congratulations again on your little one's arrival.  Hopefully your little girl is giving you the big thumbs up on what a loving and caring mom you are. 

Of course you are frustrated, being obstructed in every direction on the smallest things.  In addition, your own body is trying to recover.  I say that not to call your requests into doubt, only to say it is all the more challenging because of that. 

When I read what your mother tells you about wanting to be right all the time, I was struck with how many times this theme has shown up on this board.  That is, the N is projecting (I hate that psychological term because my N dad used it a lot when I was growing up).  But that's what it is.  Have you ever seen the movie Matilda?  Based on a Roald Dahl book with Danny Devito as the evil N dad.  "I'm big, you're little, I'm smart, you're stupid, I'm right, you're wrong".  It's a kids movie and I recommend you see it after your parents go home and have a good laugh at their expense.  Of course, it might be triggering, but still you'll see Matilda get even and have a happy ending.

I think a month is plenty of time for grandparents to do their thing.  above and beyond.  You and your little one will find your way to living on your own together, with whatever appropriate support you find that works for you.  It's hard, but you will do it because you know you need to, not just for you but now also for your shiny new daughter.

Frankly, I wouldn't allow these people near my daughter, but I understand a new mother's need for support wherever it might come from.  You've endured their comments long enough.  They've helped in their own flawed way.  Now they are in the way.  Thank them and send them on their way.  I know you may be feeling vulnerable with this new awesome responsibility.  But you can do it.  It helped me to think about the millions of people who have been good enough parents before me.   

Take baby to the store with you by yourself.  If it doesn't go well (she gets hungry etc) just leave and try again later.  Your daughter will tell you if you are doing it "right" or not.  Join a mom's club and/or go to the park during the mommy hour.  Everyone is stumbling along together and will understand the frayed nerves, sleepless nights, the new division of the world between people with kids and those without, etc etc.  Go to a Mommy and Me thing at the local hospital.  You will find tons of appropriate support. 

Your mother has the need to be right all the time.  Just pull out an imaginary mirror next time she opens her mouth and let it bounce back on her. 

Peace and love to you and your baby, Miss Piggy.

[mum]

Oh, for cryin out loud, Vunil!  You've got one infant to deal with, why should you have to deal with two more (disguised as grown ups). This just gets my Irish up!!!!

Unsolicited advice is one of those HORRIBLE side effects of being a parent. AAAARRRGGGHH.

I remember my exN's mom, wanting to put my first child on a bottle, saying I was breastfeeding "specifically so no one else to share in the joy of feeding him!!!!" I came back from my very first brief walk alone without the baby to find she had stuck a bottle (of water at least) in his mouth (my ex sat idly by as she did this).  I was very concerned about "nipple confusion" and had told her in no uncertain terms that he was not to have a bottle of any type. Now, today, I might be a little less freaked out, but as the mother, my wishes should have been respected without question.
So I remember that pain you are feeling....and I know the stuff I dealt with is not NEARLY the crap your parents are bringing on!

Your body has been through a lot, and you have a brand new person to acclimate to the world...and you are now "on" 24/7!!
 Sure you need help, but at what cost?  You should be supported without question, and anyone who is there to help you should have checked their ego at the door, and should be doing whatever the new mother wants done, exactly how she wants it done! Are they there to help? Really?

Can you get some other help? Heck, if this weren't cyberspace WE would all be over there, taking orders from you and smiling about it!!!
I know it's hard as a single mom, but how bad would it be if they left?
When you set boundaries, your mother summarily ignored them and countered with her own, saying they would leave if she couldn't do things HER way.  What's so bad about YOU getting things YOUR way?  It's YOUR life, baby , house......

Perhaps the hospital has those volunteers who rock babies in the nursery (we have those here) who also make house calls (who you can fire without feeling bad if they start insisting on how they want things to be....)

Weigh it out....maybe this will be an empowering start to your life with your daughter!  To hell with bad parents....starting now.

In a healthy situation, you would be revered, respected and honored.  Do it for yourself if you must.

[vunil]

Thanks you guys-- Miss Piggy, thanks for the ideas and the encouragement.  I'm still healing now but in a couple of weeks I should definitely start venturing out.  I think it would help me feel like "me" again.  I am losing that somehow.  It helps me see what my childhood was like, but it also scares me a lot.

Mum, your bottle story is exactly the kind of thing that burns me up!  I can't believe the audacity of your m.i.l.  I had a similar experience-- my mom wanted to try the pacifier.  I thought it was too early but she talked me into -- she "knew" it would be ok.  Sure enough, my daughter had nipple confusion right after, for the first time. It was terrifying.  She got over it, and then two days later I used the pacifier again (in a moment of weakness)  and my mom used it the rest of the day.  That night my daughter had no idea how to nurse.  It was really scary , and this time she didn't recover.  Well, what made it so much worse was that my mother kept interrupting me to explain ("explain") that it wasn't nipple confusion.  It was XYZ reason.  It "couldn't be" nipple confusion.  She has I guess received a PhD in postpartum care in the last week.  Anyway, of course it was what I thought it was.  I was able to let my baby sleep, then to reintroduce nursing and it all worked out ok, but I think I reintroduced the pacifier that second time because my mom was harping on the fact that nipple confusion doesn't exist. And my nervousness and worry when it happened was intensified beyond belief by her arguing with me.  Since then she has mentioned the pacifier and how it will be so wonderful when we can use it again, at least once a day.  Of course, I threw the damn thing away!  The thought that she would use it behind my back definitely occured to me.

I wish I could live with what is good about my parents and not be so swamped by what doesn't work, but N coping is so insideous it warps everything, it makes it impossible for the good to be good because lurking around the corner is the narcissism, waiting to swallow me up.  In the end, the N shame and pride always win.  And the cost seems to be that those of us caught in a relationship with it are stuck providing the supply, to our own detriment.  There isn't any way out!  It's depressing.  And talking about it just reveals the deep-seeded weirdness.  It doesn't help at all.  Listening to my mother explain to me that she "had to" "say what was true" was just so odd-- as if she said "I can't help it if I have godlike powers that must be bestowed upon all"-- it would be funny if it weren't so sad.  The thought that other people have equally legit truths-- doesn't enter into her brain in the least.

[longtire]

Vunil,
It is your house, it is your life and it is your daughter.  You get to make ALL the decisions.  If you have people there who aren't helping, you can ask them to leave.  If you have people there who are not only not helping, but are making things worse, then you can insist they leave.    Why make an exception for family?  Try not to let this distract you from just enjoying your time with your new daughter.  That is the most important job you have right now.   (Well, OK, feeding and bathing are important too, but you know what I mean.  )

[Stormchild]

Vunil,
It is your house, it is your life and it is your daughter.  You get to make ALL the decisions.  If you have people there who aren't helping, you can ask them to leave.  If you have people there who are not only not helping, but are making things worse, then you can insist they leave.    Why make an exception for family?  Try not to let this distract you from just enjoying your time with your new daughter.  That is the most important job you have right now.   (Well, OK, feeding and bathing are important too, but you know what I mean.  )

This response is absolute perfection. I can't add to it or improve on it in any way, so I'll just repeat it.

[mum]

Vunil, I think you saw a graphic demonstration (with the pacifier) that not only is your mother NOT helping, she is actually causing you and your child some potentially serious problems. I am sooo glad you were able to get your daughter to nurse successfully again. I know plenty of people who gave up...nursing can be sooo tenuous, you need nothing but total emotional support for it!
Yeah, my exMIL is a piece of work!  But I don't have to deal with her anymore (she thinks I caused my ex to cheat on me, and that I should have taken him back no matter what time and again....)
Ok, so we know she is nuts, we know your mom is too.
So back to: how hard would it be for you to take her up on her ultimatum/threat/promise to leave?  Seiously think about it...but I know how tough it is to be alone with a newborn....yet, how tough is it now, being undermined?
Hang in there...sending you....um how about this? P\Real, physical support in the form of someone wonderful.....lets see if this  works........
in the meantime, we are here, getting riled up for you!!! Get some sleep (oh, and are you sleeping with the baby or nearby? I highly recommend it....hey especially with those N's in the house). That's another thing my exMIL used to give me crap about....yeah, and her kids are so well adjusted.....

[Marta]

Hi Vunil,

You are so brave to be a single mother, and I am so glad that you have a chance to make a mother you never had. I feel really sorry that instead of helping you so that you can enjoy your little baby, your parents have reduced to tears.

For what it is worth they have never expressed the slightest sympathy, empathy, regret, anything over the abuse and I think I will always resent them for that.

That is really sad. I can see how you are feeling, but you are expecting something from them that they are just not capable of giving, which is empathy and understanding; if you are waiting for things to get better, you can wait all your life. I can really empathize with what it must be like to have to argue for everything under the sun, and how helpless it must feel for you to be dependent on them for anything at all. Of course you have a right to decide what kinds of diapers she should wear.

It is likely all of that is hanging over our current interactions

Vunil, that is the thing with Ns. It is possible to have a decent relationship with them as long as you continue to buy into their myth of how things were or be their supply. When you threaten this, you’ll see the true pathology underlying Ns, that the good relationship you may think you are having with them is ultimately based on the foundation of you assuming a one-down position and hatefulness, not on love. I have read your various posts re. your parents before, and they’ve made me feel that a lot was lurking there that you had not yet faced. You elsewhere called your parents regular persons with N tendencies, but based on what you describe, they seems like a textbook case of N.

I too did not have a childhood as terrible as some others here. In fact, I thought I had a good childhood for the longest time. My parents did a lot for me, supported my education, were there for me in some ways through my ups and downs in life. It is only when I stopped being who they wanted me to be that I could see how much hatred lay under all my interactions with my mother.

Maybe I should have them leave? 

I’d say take the big leap and have them leave. You’ll realize that you are not as helpless and needy without them as you feel around them. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and about your relationship with them that way. At least that is true for me, being around mom brings out the worst in me. As for now, I’d say hire help even if your parents still visit you everyday, so at least you can get diapers of your choice. This is the time for you to enjoy your brand new baby!

[Sallying Forth]

(((((((((((((((Vunil))))))))))))) Sorry to see you in this vulnerable position with your parents. You don't need extra stress when you are trying to heal from surgery!

It's your home, your life and your baby! You choose what your baby will wear, what kind of diapers she'll wear, how she will sleep, what she will eat, etc. Set that boundary with your parents. Most likely they will bug out when you do this. Your mother already alluded to this happening with your father. Then get yourself some non-familial help until you are ready to resume normal activities.

[Plucky]

Hi Vunil,
I am so happy for you and the baby!  Babies are wonderful!
If there is any way you can survive without your parents, do it now.   After a month most C sections can walk around and pick up the baby.   From what you have told (only part of it, I am sure) it will be much easier without them.  Just think how nice it will be to do what you want, rest easy, meet your child's needs without a struggle, etc.  I understand how scary it is to have this little life in your hands and at the same time not feel up to par physically.  If I could have my own kids over again, the one thing I would do is not be so afraid.  Most kids are somewhat sturdy.

When your parents allowed you to be molested and then won't even acknowledge this, that is MAJOR!   I am not sure I would be able to have them in the house.  How did it happen, if you don't mind discussing it (maybe later)?

Until you finally close the door on them (slam it!), perhaps it would help to have some responses ready.  I found that quoting studies always made my N mother back off a bit.

"studies show that children who use pacifiers are more likely to be overweight as adults", etc.   If you don't have anything handy, just make up something plausible.

"that's how things were done X years ago, but science has advanced and we know much more now".
"I'm sure you did the best you knew then, but now we know that bla bla bla"
" Yes, we were lucky!  but now they recommend bla bla bla because of all those unlucky babies who died doing bla bla bla..."

When they offer to leave, say, "that's your answer?  you're going to leave me over a diaper?"

"My doctor says these diapers are the best ones."

"You got to choose what I wore, now I get to choose what she wears."

"My doctor says I shouldn't be stressed out. This is starting to stress me out.  It's not good for the baby and I cannot heal properly..."

"Because I'm the mother, that's why." 

If they say "she won't die from sids",  you say, 'that's  exactly when things happen.  Right when you think they won't!'  or 'this is a life of death matter.  Are you sure?'

You get the picture.  I hope this is useful advice!

Do get out to a mom's club as soon as you can hail a cabbie.   You will find that all moms are sisters under the skin (except those Ns).   And you are not the only one having these issues.  There's more than one in every crowd.

Good luck and enjoy
Plucky

[David P]

Hey Vunil, Tell 'em not to let the door hit them on the ass on the way out. These folks are beyond toxic. Trade 'em in NOW!

DP

[vunil]

You guys are really helping me get perspective.

Something pretty major happened tonight that will change my plans, I think.  I started to bleed heavily (I am only one week past delivery, still healing) and had to go to the emergency room.  While waiting for my father to arrive to take me there, my mom said "what will I do if the baby is hungry?" I said I had just fed her and expected not to be at the hospital long;  if I had to stay overnight, she could bring the baby to me to feed there. She asked if she could feed the baby formula and I said that was completely unnecessary-- she had just fed.  I said if she would feel better I'd feed while waiting for my dad. So, she brings me the baby and encourages me to feed her-- while I am gushing blood! for those 5 minutes.

Ok, we are at the emergency room I swear to you 20 minutes max and she calls my father and asks him to bring her some formula to feed the baby.  Remember, I am breast feeding-- for those of you who do not know, you can't just give a baby formula out of the blue, especially when the baby is a week old and the mother's milk has just come in.  It screws everything up, from the baby's end (less of an issue since my baby seems un-screw-upable) and from the mom's end (feeding leads to milk production-- you can't just skip feedings without repurcussions-- and pain!).  She doesn't ask me.  I tell him it has been 20 minutes, that I don't want to give the baby formula.  So, they call me back to see the doctor and my dad goes home to get formula for my mom.  I am so weak by then I don't know what to say and just say, meakly, ok.

He gets back and tells me (this part gets me the most) "we will only feed her formula if she really needs it."  I explain it has now been less than an hour since she fed.  There is no sense of "really needing" food at this point.  He reassures me (!) that the baby is now sleeping and will only get formula is she "really screams."

I manage to get the emergency room doctor to hurry up everything, telling him my mother will feed my baby formula if I don't get home soon.  This lovely man is nothing but sympathetic, hurries things up for me and sends me on my way.  I want to cry over the sympathy and understanding of this stranger.

I run out to catch my dad and say "call mom!  It has only been an hour and a half, and there is no need to feed the baby, I'm coming!"  He informs me she has already fed the baby a bottle of formula because when she woke up she was crying.

I am not sure anyone who is not a mother and/or didn't breast feed can understand what an extreme violation all of this was.   It is clear the only reason the baby was fed was to shut her up.  My wishes, which have ramifications potentiallly for weeks and maybe months of feeding (and, if the feeding had gotten screwed up, my child's lifetime), were not fully considered much less followed to the letter.

I need them to go home.  I am only 1 week past major surgery and it will be scary alone, but this cannot be the way things are.  My guilt is over everything they have done for me, which is a lot-- I am going to have to spend a lot of time trying to get everything straight in my mind-- what does it all mean?  How do I reconcile the good with the bad?  Why does it all feel so... tainted... to me?  LIke a devil's bargain?

Whenever my wishes conflict with their wishes, I lose.  I didn't get before how dangerous that was for me, as I try to guide this parenting process.  And I didn't get how tiring it has all been for me.  I will have to try to live with the guilt, and I am going to tell them I won't need them any more after this week (or some other deadline that I'll have to ponder--- something soon while this clarity lasts). 

Thanks, you guys.  Thanks for being so honest with me.  I guess you are right this is all worse than I thought.  Then why are they also able to do good things for me, help me?  It is still confusing, so late at night.  But at least my baby seems to remember how to feed...  I do know when I think of them leaving it makes me happy (then guilty). 

[Marta]

LIke a devil's bargain?

Vunil, welcome to the club! The red carpet is being rolled out for you!!! That’s exactly it, the devil’s bargain.

May be “help” is a substitute for real love, like shoving in a bottle when what the baby really needs some rocking or holding or a lullaby. When the cover of this "help" is blown, they are exposed and you can see how little affection or genuine concern there really is in the relationship. You can also see in slow motion what this “help” does to the recipient. Did the baby need the bottle? Was it given to her with the intention of “helping” her? Did the bottle “help” the baby? May be it even could have harmed the baby? May be you are that baby and the bottle was not given with the intention of helping you, but for some other twisted reasons. When you see them handle the baby, do you see them rock the baby, hold her, love her, sing to her, make faces at her, croon over her, pick her up when she cries, dance in joy around her? Do you feel their pleasure comes from just being around the baby, or from their control over her and your life? I think seeing them deal with your baby gives you a pretty good idea about how they dealt with you as an infant.

We trained to feel guilty, trained to acknowledge and roll in gratitude over every little speck of help that is thrown our way. What we never see is an acknowledgement of what we do for them, all the love we shower over them, and all the harm they've done to us.

My guilt is over everything they have done for me, which is a lot-- I am going to have to spend a lot of time trying to get everything straight in my mind-- what does it all mean?  How do I reconcile the good with the bad?  Why does it all feel so... tainted... to me?

I was on major guilt trip for most of my life. My parents had spent mega bucks for my education, they were always there to “help” me through ups and downs of life like major surgery, unemployment, or depression. My life changed when I realized that when some people help me, somehow it doesn’t really help. I finally stopped taking help from them; that was my first step towards my liberation. In my own case, I’d say that “help” was a bondage, a carte blanche for them to do whatever they pleased to me. What was called “help” was more like outright purchase of copyrights over my life. If they paid with $ and work hours, I paid with my tears and blood for their twisted “happiness.” In my mind, all accounts are cleared thank you with big credits under my name, and not $ variety either.

As you take your first steps towards facing how bad things really are, be warned that you’ll slowly see a new side of them emerge that you’ve never seen before; like Jekyll and Hyde; then dealing with guilt will become much easier.

For now, I think asking your parents to leave is the best gift you can give to your beautiful D! 

[Stormchild]

Hi Vunil

What you are getting from your folks is something called 'intermittent reinforcement' and it is a common tactic with abusers. They do something good for you, and milk your gratitude as an excuse to do fifteen or twenty things bad to you. Then, when you call them on the bad things, they point to the one good thing, with a tear in their eye and their lower lip all a-tremble; or they blow up in your face like a blasting cap, about your 'ingratitude'.

When you catch on to this, and start noticing all the bad things, and become aware of the very skewed ratio of bad things to good ones, they switch tactics and accuse you of 'dwelling on the past'.

It ain't dwelling in the past, it 's pattern recognition, and it's one of the best tools you can have. You've used it a lot already with tremendously impressive results.

If it helps any at all - and I hope it will - you can get help, there are ways around this, but it may come from places you'd least expect, and some of it might need to be a business arrangement. Since that's a pretty blithe assertion without data to back it up, I'll share my own experience, which is pretty drastic, so should be a fair comparison.

I went through major abdominal surgery, and a prolonged convalescence after nearly bleeding to death postoperatively, without any help from my family... one or two 'church ladies' called and asked if I needed anything, but quickly took offense when I listed needs such as having the floors vacuumed [this was a white suburban snob church, and this is how I found that out. They wanted to give me fantasy help they could brag about to their friends. Vacuuming floors? How... crude. We'll send over the maid, dear.] One or two co-workers visited me ostensibly to help, but clearly expected to be waited on hand and foot and entertained by someone who was severely anemic and needed a walker to stand up. Fugeddaboudit.

The one person who helped me was a petsitter I'd already worked with and had made arrangements with in advance, knowing I'd be unable to lift bags of litter or change cat pans for weeks. Turned out that, because of my need, which paid this person 2x/day, 7days/wk, for three months, this person came through a severe dry spell in their own business OK, and was able to firmly establish themselves in business. And because of their support, which was honest and caring to an incredible extent - so much so that I was able to trust them to deposit my insurance check at the bank, and mail my bill payments - they got years and years of extremely solid references from me. [And no, it wasn't all that expensive: less costly than therapy would have been over the same interval!]

You may have some friends or coworkers who are together enough to help, or to screen hired helpers for you. Your doc, if savvy enough, may also be able to recommend someone. If there is a midwife or doula association in the area, they might be able to help too. It would be lovely if your folks were healthy enough to do you and the baby any good, but clearly, it's all about their comfort level, and not about your welfare, or your child's wellbeing, at all.

I'm glad you got home OK after that harrowing ER experience. And I'm glad the ER doc was a good 'un.

[vunil]

What you are getting from your folks is something called 'intermittent reinforcement' and it is a common tactic with abusers. They do something good for you, and milk your gratitude as an excuse to do fifteen or twenty things bad to you. Then, when you call them on the bad things, they point to the one good thing, with a tear in their eye and their lower lip all a-tremble; or they blow up in your face like a blasting cap, about your 'ingratitude'.

When you catch on to this, and start noticing all the bad things, and become aware of the very skewed ratio of bad things to good ones, they switch tactics and accuse you of 'dwelling on the past'.

How WEIRD.  This is exactly what happened when I tried to discuss my childhood with them.  They listed stuff they had done for me when I was a kid.  Unrelated stuff.  Then they told me I needed to be "happy" like they are and not "live in the past."  My mom actually wrote me "I hope you can become a happy person, not stay stuck in your childhood.  Your father and I are happy people-- I am completely happy with my past and with the present."

Which is weird beyond weird because I AM a happy person.  It doesn't make you unhappy to admit you were sexually abused-- I think  truly unhappy person could never admit it, actually.  I don't think it makes me bad in any way.  Well, the truth doesn't enter into any of it, I guess.

Yesterday my mom said that I was being ungrateful and unrealistic because "when you run someone else's household then things won't be exactly like the person wants."  But-- something really bugged me about that statement.  I realize what it is now.  When did I ask her to run my household?  Could she provide help that did not come with that power?  Is the reason why she is doing it the power?  Can't it also be that she does love me and wants to be a good mother, but she just doesn't know how to really consider the needs of someone else above her own?  I honestly don't think she knows how to do that, and I don't think my dad does either.  I am not sure what need gets fulfilled by helping me, but it is a need because I am realizing how many of the things *I* really wanted/needed never got done and how many irrelevant things did.  Isn't that interesting?  I think I would feel more on top of this, intellectually, if I could square their narcissism with their helping-- but I guess the answer is they want to be the kind of people who help, to tell themselves they are and to express their love (which I do think they feel) but they just aren't and can't be genuinely helpful because even in helping it has to all be about them.  The sad part is I think they wish they were different.

Oh, man, it's complicated.  But I need to be out from under it.