Author Topic: Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect  (Read 1998 times)

Sallying Forth

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Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect
« on: October 15, 2005, 03:54:00 PM »
I had what felt like the longest dream on record for me. It kept going on and on and on. It was essentially about my h ignoring me and our dog Behr.

Well another strange dream. However this one is very telling. I dreamt about h and how he ignores me. He treats me like I don’t even exist. In his world I don’t believe I do exist. In my world I do.

Part of the dream something is happening with this contraption in a huge shop. Our house is attached to it through the back wall. I am operating this contraption when I see this water start to flow through the wall. It’s not a lot but enough to be noticeable. I tell h about it. He says, “yeah, yeah, yeah, I see it.” Then does nothing about it. I keep watching the water and it gets worse by the minute until it is now a gushing waterfall streaming through the air.

H comes over and says, “why didn’t you tell me about the water coming through the wall?”

“I did. You ignored me. You didn’t think it was important at the time.”

Suddenly it is a major catastrophe in the making when h decides to notice it. He gets everyone, J. and me, to do everything to help him. Turn off the power. Get me a wrench. Turn off the water. Etc.


Another part of the same dream ...

H and I are on an excursion. We stop at this quaint cafe and decide we like it. There is something we have with us in a backpack type thing. I don’t know what it is and we don’t take it out to look at it. I have to carry it but it belongs to both of us. We leave the cafe and go to our property to talk about where to put the fenced dog yard. Coyotes come up to the partially fenced yard.

Then we return to the quaint cafe. This time it is filled with people in various stages of finishing their meals. We pick a table which is vacated. Then decide we don’t like it. Go to another one which has just been vacated. Don’t like it’s locale. Then finally find one we like but there is a big dog on the bench seat. H doesn’t like that but I do. I decide to pet it. Within no time the dog and I are best friends. H on the other hand is off laughing at some paper he’s reading. His back is facing us. Again I am feeling ignored and as if I don’t exist. The dog is totally ignored.

This is much like it was when we had Behr. Unless h wanted to pet or play with Behr, he pushed him aside and ignored him. I was mostly responsible for Behr’s care. I was usually the one who paid any attention to Behr. I trained him. I played with him most of the time. I had fun with Behr and h didn’t. H used to get mad on Monday nights when Behr wanted to play his Find-It game. I loved playing it with him. I remember only one time in nearly 8 years that h played the Find-It game with Behr. And that wasn’t because he initiated it. I did. I fed Behr 95% of the time. I was Behr's companion 90% of the time. And h paid Behr attention when it FIT his schedule. When it FIT his life. Not when Behr needed him. Only at the end of Behr’s life did h get to see it is not about his schedule but the dog’s needs and schedule. And still he couldn’t give Behr what he needed. He couldn’t let go of his life when he needed to go.


Any thoughts?
« Last Edit: October 24, 2005, 03:49:44 PM by Sallying Forth »
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Plucky

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Re: My h ignoring me and Behr
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2005, 10:51:42 PM »
Quote
I dreamt about h and how he ignores me. He treats me like I don’t even exist. In his world I don’t believe I do exist. In my world I do.
You exist in my world too!
Plucky


Sallying Forth

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Re: My h ignoring me and Behr
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2005, 02:23:48 AM »
Quote
I dreamt about h and how he ignores me. He treats me like I don’t even exist. In his world I don’t believe I do exist. In my world I do.
You exist in my world too!
Plucky



thank you Plucky!
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

Sallying Forth

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Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2005, 07:19:38 PM »
I've changed the title of this topic because I've since realized this is the theme of the dream and the theme of my life. All my relationships have been about abuse and neglect. There was never one to date that was healthy. At some level there was both abuse and neglect. They all may not have been as destructive as my Nparents' relationship but they were all the same.

During therapy this week I realized that the dream about my h ignoring me and Behr was a metaphor for my all relationships. I told my t that I was no longer willing to have any relationship like that. I said, "I've got another 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years to live and I want to live that with someone who treats me the way I want to be treated."

He said, "these were very important questions to be asking yourself."

I said, "I couldn't imagine living this way with my h for another 20, 30 or 40 years. It would be wasting my life."

After going to therapy this last week I made a decision about my marriage. I discussed that decision with my h this last weekend. I told him that I was no longer willing to live with abuse and neglect. I said, "the abuse is basically been handled and now the neglect needs to be."

He said "I've been thinking about that since another discussion we had the last time I visited."

(We are currently separated and dating.)

We got into a discussion about why he doesn't do things on time, why he works long hours, etc. We've had this discussion a zillion times and never resolved anything to the point that he decided to change his behavior.

Finally I said "the bottom line is I am no longer willing to be married to someone who behaves like that and treats me like that. You have the resources to change. You've had them for a long time. You just haven't done anything about it. I need to know whether you are going to do it. I need to see a game plan not hear about a game plan."

My h has ADHD and that is the cause of the poor timing, etc. Relationships complicate these behaviors. There are things which can be done to change these behaviors. I even purchased books which describe step by step instructions for changing one's life. Yet my h has never read them. He's medicated and has believed that is all he needs. Before he got medicated he didn't even believe that medication would help. Now he doesn't believe he needs to do anything else.

And I'm no longer wiling to live with and be married to someone who acts the way he does.

Though there are benefits to living with someone with ADHD. My h is extremely adaptive to any situation. He's also creative. He's very funny and always has a joke to tell and he gets the punch line right. (Something I've never done well probably due to growing up with 3 butthole N's.) He literally invents things on the fly. If the tool doesn't exist he'll come up with his own tool. This happened recently when the pellet stove chimney needed to be cleaned. The rod attachment for the brush wasn't the correct fit so my h duct taped the brush to a wire. Then he duct taped that to a tube. He got the job done. I know many men would have given up. Not my h. Where there's a will there's a way. There's been thousands of other incidents and events like this. It's usually the unorthodox solution which is my h's answer and 99% of the time it works.

His son (my s-son) also has ADHD. Imagine two men with ADHD working together in the same business? They do! They're always coming up with new ideas, new ways to do things, inventing shortcuts, both very creative and NEVER ON TIME! Although my s-son is better about being on time because of his xN-BPD wife. She was anal retentive when it came to being on schedules. No room for spontaniety. However being away from his xW he is losing that timing and slipping into his old habits.

My s-son commented to me recently, "I'm just like my dad. I can't stand it. You were right." I just had to laugh. They are like two peas in a pod. He doesn't want to accept he has ADHD either. When he does, hopefully at a younger age than his dad, it will change his life. That is if he can take full responsibility with it.

« Last Edit: October 25, 2005, 01:56:46 AM by Sallying Forth »
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David P

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Re: Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2005, 08:38:36 PM »
Sally -Are you aware that you wrote in the first third of the post above " I do wanto live with someone who doesn't not treat me the way that I want to be  treated" ?? .

DP

Plucky

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Re: Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2005, 01:09:51 AM »
Hi Sallying,
sounds like the loss of Behr has led you to notice more keenly what is lacking in your H.  I am so sorry he is not willing to go farther to solve his issues.  Do you still hope he will?
Plucky

Sallying Forth

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Re: Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect
« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2005, 02:00:12 AM »
Sally -Are you aware that you wrote in the first third of the post above " I do wanto live with someone who doesn't not treat me the way that I want to be  treated" ?? .

DP

Hi DP,
Oops! What happened was a quick decision in the middle of writing this. It was an unusual day here, sunny. I was in the  middle of writing this and decided to post it even though I hadn't proof read it yet. I took my iBook off with me to the park and wrote 1/2 chapter in my book. I really got somewhere in my book in those 5 precious pages so it was worth not proof reading this post. Now I'll finish what I needed to say.

Thanks for proof reading that so I could correct my thoughts. :D

SF
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I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

Sallying Forth

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Re: Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2005, 02:28:04 AM »
Hi Plucky,
He says he will change. I have heard this before though so I wont believe it until I see an actual game plan.

It isn't just about our relationship but all relationships that my h has. However our relationship and that with our dog, Behr, suffered the most from my h's neglect. It was through the loss of Behr that I finally realized what I didn't get and needed.

My t says that unless my h has a plan to change his behavior he will continue to do it. A detailed and organized plan is needed for change.

My h has a book to help him develop a plan and obtain a coach.


I'm not holding my breath. I told my h what I require and that if it didn't change I could see no reason for us to continue the relationship. I know this shocked him. And he agreed.

The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

longtire

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Re: Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2005, 11:50:04 PM »
Hi Sally, Good for you!  Stick to your guns here and remember that nothing is happening until it actually happens.  Up until then it is just plans and talk.  You have every right to insist on seeing the RESULTS of the change as well as hearing about how the change came about before putting any trust in it.  It has been tough for me to learn to hold this boundary with my wife, so I know it isn't easy.  It sounds like you are really changing your viewpoint and accepting what is.  Congratulations!
longtire

- The only thing that was ever really wrong with me was that I used to think there was something wrong with *me*.  :)

Sallying Forth

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Re: Two Ongoing Relationship Themes: Abuse and Neglect
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2005, 09:24:43 AM »
Thank you Longtire!

I've learned that truth after so many years of seeing nothing happen. Unless I see the actual change in plans AND the implementation of those plans, it isn't happening and don't trust it.


Yep, it is very tough and the hardest to do but the only way to go.
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D