Dear Dad

[steve]

This letter is an effort for me to express myself to you. I do not expect a reaction from you and knowing how you handle personal matters of discomfort I know that you will never even mention that this letter exists. So in effect this letter is for my own mental health and an attempt for me to explain to you what harm you have caused me.

From the time that I can remember you were never there for me. You always abdicated this reponsibility to my mother and you should therefore not be surprised of the closeness that I have towards her. I understand that you had to work hard in order to support your family and for this I do thank you for your effort. And the truth is that you did provide for us well in our childhood and for this you should be very proud. However, there is more to life than just throwing your money at your family and then expecting them to find the correct road in life.

You know that I was a very intelligent child and I had great perception skills. I always doubted your claims that everything you do is for your family and had the suspicion that indeed it was for your own personal reward. It was not hard to deduce that claiming to be too busy working to have time for ones family was an excuse. I know that you would spend plenty of free time gambling, drinking, and womanizing while your family was at home wondering why their house felt so empty. This is perhaps how you have chosen to live your life and I guess that choice was yours to make. So it is. When I was involved in school functions you did not have the time to attend. When I was hospitalized you never bothered to come by and see me, but thanks for the phone call, that made all the difference.

Then as time passed and I came to be of working age I decided to help in the family business. For me this was a sense of obligation and pehaps an attempt to get closer to the father that I never knew. Maybe I was believing your stories about being too busy because I wanted to believe them. So from the age of 14 through the completion of my graduate studies I was always available to help in the family business. You know that I sacrificed a great deal to do this. People my age did not spend 70 hours a week working. They were out having a good time and doing the things that adolescents do to mature and have a balanced life. But not me.

I remember the times that you told me to leave and go home and that you would handle the business until close. I felt that you did indeed care for me and were concerned about my personal well-being. But this too ws an illusion. I know that the only times that you did do this was when your mistress was coming to visit you and of course I would be in your way. And as a dutiful son I obeyed and would leave only having to put out fires the next day because you were too busy catering to your lover than to take care of your business.

So where does this leave us. Well, it may not bother me so much if you had acknowledged the sacrifices I made and the improvements that I made to the success of the business. In fact, if you asked the principals objectively to determine who the brains of the operation was from the age of 18 I think that you may be surprised by their answers. But I will spare you this exercise because I know that you are convinced that it was only you that made the difference.

Now you are in your retirement and you have come to me again for help. In fact, you never asked me for the help, but instead just dumped all your personal affairs on my lap while you vacationed and enjoyed your life. You never once said, do you have the time to do this, instead you just expected me to make the time because you felt that your affairs were all that mattered. Well I have been handling your affairs for the last 5 years and have done a great job at stabilizing your assets and consolidating your liabilities. I have created a retirement income for you that very few others have.

What have I received for my efforts in the last 5 years. Well, let me tell you because I doubt that you even can sense what I feel. I have spent many nights not being able to sleep because I was worried about this asset or that paticular law suit. I now realize that you have dumped all your fears on me. You words always reflect the negative outcomes that are possible because you want me to internalize the fear so that yo don't have to. And I have done this. This has hurt my mental health tremendously and I have been suffering from depression for the last 5 years. When I mentioned this to you, your only response was, why do you have to be depressed. Well, I am sorry I spoiled your idealized world.

On top of this I have received no thanks or praise. In fact I thought that this was normal. I mean, this is the way you raised us. But now I realize that people do thank others for favours others do for them. I am resigned to the fact that you will never thank me. As for praise, again I expect nothing. For a time I was doing this work also because I was promised an inheritence. But as you have indicated many times, you now wish the inheritence to go to your grandchildren bypassing me altogether because I have no family. So be it. I accept this too.

I will continue to help you as much as possible because I also know that my mother benefits from my efforts. But from this day onwards there will be a difference.

First, I will not sacrifice my personal affairs to attend to your whims and desires.

Second, I will not internalize your negative emotions just so that you can feel better.

Third, though I feel sorry for you because I know that you suffer inside, I have come to the realization that no matter what I do you will never feel better inside. I can only make you feel better on the outside. But this is your false side and you have plenty of experience with projecting your false side. If I do not consider how to make you feel better you will inevitably find a way yourself. This is how you have operated your entire life. If I could touch your inside I would make an effort. But I cant.

I just need to accept that this is who you are and start to worry about myself for a change. I do not want to look back ten years from now and realize that again I have sacrificed my life for you.

I will not engage you in anger nor will I show you any love. These are all wasted emotions on someone who does not feel. I will treat you with respect and consideration like I treat everyone else. But from this point onwards I will LIVE MY LIFE.

Steve

[David P]

Bravo, Steve ,you said what you needed to say. You got your voice !

David P in TX.

( If I were in your position I would be billing dear old Dad for your financial management skills)

[onlyrenting]

Steve, I found a wealth of mature and understanding perspective of what an N is about.

I now realize that you have dumped all your fears on me. You words always reflect the negative outcomes that are possible because you want me to internalize the fear so that yo don't have to. And I have done this. This has hurt my mental health tremendously and I have been suffering from depression for the last 5 years. When I mentioned this to you, your only response was, why do you have to be depressed. Well, I am sorry I spoiled your idealized world.

I'm just about to call to CA, regarding custody of our 13year old girl. My H being full blown N will never take responsibility for his hurtful actions. My heart is pounding, this will be a legal life change for us all.
I needed some reassurance about my N-H is truely the Dr. Jeckel Mr. Hyde person, to verbalize the damage he causes with our D, I believe you hit the nail here with idea about him putting his fears on everyone else.

These are all wasted emotions on someone who does not feel. I will treat you with respect and consideration like I treat everyone else. But from this point onwards I will LIVE MY LIFE.

It's time to make my Call, say a prayer for our family. and A big thank you  .................OR

[mum]

OR: lots of light, strength and love.....it will be done....

Steve: wow, what an amazing letter. Your insights demonstrate a real health on your part. You seem to be able to step outside of the emotional toxicity of your father and really see it for what it is. Good job.
You will not know how much reading that letter has helped me deal with a current situation...so thank you.
Mum

[Bloopsy]

good for you!!! I love theclearand even tone of your letter meanwhile dealing with very intense subjects. This is great!! I hope that writing this letter gives you some freedom !!

[Mrta as guest]

Steve,

What I love about your letter is the tone of your voice. It is indeed very sweet and respectful. I am amazed that someone who has been a punching bag for an N can have this quality. Goodluck, Mrta

[steve]

I am happy that my letter has touched others. I just wish to clear up one point. I think that my letter is not so much about forgiveness as it is about forgetfullness. You see, though i believe we need to forgive before we can forget, it is the latter that is more important. If i continue to think about the past all I get is built up negative emotions. With these negative emotions comes a host of negative reactions. In other words, we give the power back to them.

For me it is more important to realize that whatever he is does not reflect on me and whatever deamons he has to deal with do not impact me. I need the emotional insulation in order for my mind to function as it should. I see him more as a sperm donor than a father. His comments and actions do not have a positive or negative impact on me because i choose them not to impact me. This is the key to my survival.

This is not an easy task. In fact I need to be constantly on guard when I am dealing with him and put a a wall so to speak. My life is not all roses at the moment and in fact it is still very dark. But I know that the more I move down this road the easier it will become and the more life will start to make sense. I do not think that I have my voice yet but instead I have opened the door that will allow me to find it. This is the work that I have to do. It is my responsibility and no one else's.

The power is mine and I will take it back.

Steve

[Brigid]

Steve,
I admire your strength and courage for being able to articulate how your father has damaged you.  Being able to accept that is such a big first step toward healing from it.  However, I have one warning.  I assume from what you wrote that you are still working with your father.  If this assumption is incorrect, ignore what I am about to say.  My xh, I believe, had n tendancies when he went to work for his for his very n father 25 years ago, but working in that environment and needing to build further defenses from the daily contact, turned him into a full-blown n over the years.  I think he could have turned himself around had he distanced himself from his father instead of being sucked into his web.

You sound much stronger than my xh and certainly more aware of the man you are dealing with, but I just wanted to send that caution and let you know that no amount of money, prestige, or job security is worth the ultimate damage that can be done from maintaining that relationship.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Sallying Forth]

I am happy that my letter has touched others. I just wish to clear up one point. I think that my letter is not so much about forgiveness as it is about forgetfullness. You see, though i believe we need to forgive before we can forget, it is the latter that is more important. If i continue to think about the past all I get is built up negative emotions. With these negative emotions comes a host of negative reactions. In other words, we give the power back to them. ...

... In fact I need to be constantly on guard when I am dealing with him and put a a wall so to speak.

Steve

I am confused Steve. You're saying that forgetting is more important than forgiving?  However in your next paragraph you say you need to be constantly on guard around your father. To me, you are remembering (not forgetting) how this person treats you and thereby protecting yourself. That is healthy.


I disagree with your first paragraph. Forgiveness is the most important thing to do to heal from my past. However if I ever forget what was done to me by my Nparents, Nbrother, and bioNfather I will be subjected to that kind of behavior again.

It would be like saying, I forgive btk for doing what he did and now what he did doesn't exist. That is a physical impossiblity. The brain stores memories and therefore the memory of what was done to me shall always remain within me.

I used to be on constant guard against attack from my Nparents and N'others until I healed enough to trust my intuition. Now I know when someone is treating me poorly. And most important, now I treat myself with respect so I don't allow myself to be around people who treat me with disrespect.

[Plucky]

Steve,
I think your analysis of the situation is so insightful.  I also think you are too good and too nice for your own good.  Some one else can look after your father's affairs.  In the end, he will probably screw you out of anything you's inherit, anyway.
Sally, I think Steve actually means letting go, not forgetting.  Not caring.  Not jumping to the bait.  And that is a good thing.  Is that right? 
Plucky

[David P]

Steve, why are you still willing to write your father's books? For free??

When you have any contact with an N they will find a way of exploiting you,hurting you, insulting you and demeaning you - it's what they do!

An alcoholic compulsively seeks to drink to a state of chemical euphoria. And an N compulsively harms others to feel a similar euphoric state of grandness and superiority over them. The difference is that alcoholics have AA available for recovery . NPD's just keep on harming others with no chance of recovery because they are so convinced of their own perfection..

Approach them at your peril.

DP in TX

[steve]

David:

Thanks for the posting. I just went through a reconciling of the tax account for his various businesses. I thought that all looked fine and in fact created a situation far ahead of where he has been in the last six years. But from the start he was looking for mistakes. It was a constant argument about why i did this or why I did not do that. As I answered every question he would seek a new avenue of attack It was as if he was just looking to tear in to someone and I was convenient. I felt so humiliated and demeaned.

Then I read your post and it made sense. It is all about unleashing on someone else in order to feel better about oneself. It is still a mystery to me that people who are supposed to love you can actually be so cruel and heartless.

So this goes to the point I was trying to make before about forgiving and forgetting. I fell in to the trap that I said I did not want to fall in. As he went on the attack I could feel the years of disapproval and attack. The point I wanted to make was that these are the things we need to let go. We can not give them the momentum in any confrontation and when we carry the past with us, that is exactly what we are doing.

It is really sad because every time I make a conscious effort to be nice to him, it is as if a huge door opens in which he can attack. What a f.cked up life we lead with these people. Anytime we want to show them consideration they view it as a garbage can opening in which they can dump in.

It really is not worth it. When you feel sorry for them and attempt to confort them, all they can do is destroy you. It is as if we have to become dehumanized when dealing with these people. No emotions at all. Almost as if dealing with a pre-programmed computer. The sooner I learn this the better. But I myself am still human and the exercise of turning myself in to a computer when I deal with him is something I will need to work on.

Steve

[Marta]

It is really sad because every time I make a conscious effort to be nice to him, it is as if a huge door opens in which he can attack. What a f.cked up life we lead with these people. Anytime we want to show them consideration they view it as a garbage can opening in which they can dump in.

It really is not worth it. When you feel sorry for them and attempt to confort them, all they can do is destroy you.

Steve, I am SO with you on this one. Being around them dehumanizes US because if we are nice to them, we are destroyed. If we are being like a bulldog with them to protect ourselves, it still destroys us. There is simply no win situation. I too long to be tender with my mom, but every time I do that, she just eats me alive and is really mean to me. Then when I pull back, my sisters give it to me and tell me I am being heartless. Every which way you go, there is heartbreak.

exercise of turning myself in to a computer when I deal with him is something I will need to work on.

Oh lord, and what will it do to you? Is it worth it to be in this business with him?

[David P]

Steve, I get the impression that you still do not accept the reality of how it will always be with an NPD person in your life. Your last post clearly descrbes typcal N behavior - they will f**k you over when you are nice and they will also f**k you over when you are not.
If you are still clinging to that tiny flicker of hope that there is some way that you can have the relationship with Dad that you long for, get ready to be sadly disappointed. It ain't going to happen because they cannot or will not give you what you want. N's are master deprivers and withholders.They want it all for themselves -every last crumb and the only time that they will offer you something is when they want something greater or larger in return - they are purely making an investment. If you still need to be convinced ask yourself this -when was the last time your Dad gave you something that he knew that you really valued without expecting anything in return.

Ok, now do you see ?

Take care ..David P.

[mum]

But I myself am still human and the exercise of turning myself in to a computer when I deal with him is something I will need to work on.

Why would you need to do this, Steve? So it will hurt less?  Go ahead and feel it. It stinks. You have a complete handle on what these people are all about and have done an amazing job of processing the negative energy your father  expects you to hold onto for him.
I do know what you mean, as I wish I could just NOT FEEL anything while I deal with my exN, but the truth is, I DO FEEL things, and that I why I am a compassionate human being, and he is not. This is something I do not want to change.

 If you still need to deal with him, as I do my ex, then you can process his garbage just fine. Can you see this awful stuff has actually helped you become such a wise and compassionate person?  You can still feel bad, and still accept he will not change, and still let it all go and still be happy. You know how to do this.