Hello Ladies,
Jaded, thank you for your beautiful words. The lyrics you wrote from that song had me welled up with tears and I appreciate you taking the time to post it. I might add, I have seen you do a lot of hard work here lately, and your contributions are very helpful - I can see you doing your own work in your contributions which is so awesome.
Rosen, (good to have you back, by the way, I see you've been lurking again after a brief MIA) I thought I would address a few of your points.
Yes, I have made my expectations, or my needs clear to Nmom in addition to telling her what I will not accept - namely this: I expect to be treated with the same respect she would offer her friends - or any fellow human being whom she had not met before. I asked for her to stop trying to control and manipulate me, and to accept me entirely for who I am, even if she doesn't agree with what it is I stand for in a given circumstance. I asked her to allow for mine and my husband's and his family's differences and perhaps even try to appreciate and learn from them. I told her I did not want her to change who she was, and that if she could learn just to be herself that people would like her more. That when its when she tries too hard to impress or be someone that she really isn't that she hurts people or pushes them away. That when she is trying hard to change people or make them see her point of view, she is in effect pushing people away, which is the opposite of what she wants. She stated that she was in agreement with all of it.
Another interesting point you brought up is that of "teaching" her new ways of responding (like with the baby announcement). In theory, I agree with you. I had been doing this with some things along the way over the last year or so. But I have very mixed feelings about this. I wonder if this is a form of controlling. This is on the border of trying to "change" her, which is exactly what I don't want her to do to me. I realize that "our" way is the healthy way, but if we are still pointing out "you are doing this the wrong way, I need you to do it THIS way", are we not just reversing the concept of control onto our dysfunctional parent?
Additionally, in the past when I have tried this type of communication - she might agree or understand it at the time but is unable to really apply it when necessary - because she is truly unaware of when she is slipping into the manipulative behavior. Granted, after this latest confrontation, she may be more receptive. But I am exhausted - and almost feel like I shouldn't have to spend the time and energy to teach her how to be a human being. I feel that I have invested too much time and energy with her up until this point - I am looking for ways to lessen this, not add to it. At the risk of sounding like an annoying employee at work -"that's not my job"
She has been to counseling, several years ago when my father died, and just scratched the surface. She admitted - her therapist kept going back to her childhood, and she didn't want to go there. She said she didn't see how it was relavent to her current life (duh) but the reality is, it's too scary for her. She feels she got as far as she wanted. I brought it up again when we've been talking through this confrontation - I think she feels she is too old to dig up all the pain from 60 years ago, when she is only going to live another 10 or so. And, she truly doesn't see that it would clear all this up. She prefers to look at it as "I just need to change my behavior, that's all". So I guess that's fine too.
I told her she needs to widen her circle of support. She has agreed to it. I don't know how she will follow through, but that's not my problem. She has her AA group, but she has them all fooled with her N act too - she doesn't really "work" the program. She shows up, but tells me in private that she would "never" talk about some of the personal things that the others talk about in group. She considers herself superior to many of the people on the program because she is not a "rock-bottom" drunk or a multiple substance abuser. This is very consistent with her all-around unwillingness/incapability of truly communicating and being intimate with people.
So you see, even though my mother might not be the spiteful harridan yours is
, she still is unwilling to get to the heart of the matter. Her motivations, from what I can see, are to preserve her relationship with her precious daughter - not to find true happiness within herself. It is sad.
Please tell me about cranial osteopathy - I am interested. FYI, I see a massage therapist regularly for cranial/sacral massage, it is the same?
I laughed out loud with your recommendation of the book "women who think too much" just the title alone I can relate to. I've heard of this book before, I think I will check it out.
I think that if you could avoid pity and feelings related to pity that you'd find your true feelings.
I'm not sure how to approach this, but you definitely have my wheels turning, sister. I will be pondering this throughout the day. You are sooo perceptive. I can't even identify my true feelings with this - which is why I struggled with what to do yesterday. This is the N-legacy. I have not known what my true self is for so long, and I still don't know how to identify it. I just know what's wrong.
Well, that's enough for now. I've rambled on entirely too long. Thanks R, for your ever-insightful thought provoking responses.
good health to you.
