Over-Criticism from Parents

[genuine]

Mum I applaud you for being the positive parent that your kids need. No matter what their father dishes out to them, you know in your Heart that your doing the right thing by them, supporting them. If only more Mothers cared like you   

daylily I agree that that article is one viewpoint and isn't the sum of all adults raised by narcisstic parents. I posted it as some of it rang true for me. Its too general. I'm glad that you pointed that out though.

Gail thanks for your support. Dad following me was very damaging. One time he followed me at 17 years of age to the local bowling centre down the road where I was meeting up with my Best Friend. She came to pick me up to go out. He stopped the car to interrogate us basically. I was so angry I told him that if I had a gun in my hand I would most likely have shot him. His presence in my life was so invasive. I wasn't even up to anything. Just going out with a friend. Another time he followed me to work when I used to be a telemarketer between the ages of 18-19. I had a gay friend there called De'nee who was offering me support, knowing I had a bad family life. He lived with his boyfriend in an apartment which had a spare room and offered it to me if I needed it. I hugged him and thanked him for the offer, my Dad saw this and assumed he was my "boyfriend" and actually ran after him to assault him. Luckily his boyfriend came to pick him up, and he dashed into the car. I rang upstairs scared out of my mind and cowered next to the coke machine while my colleagues were thinking wtf. Dad came up and my Boss being supportive of me at the time told him to leave otherwise she would call the cops. Another co worker offered to take me home until I moved in with my friend De'nee and his boyfriend. The cops had to accompany me home to grab some of my things, Dad was furious yelling, mum was crying but not for me but for herself (what will people say) So anyway I moved in with the boys but unfortunately escaping one controlling environment led me to another. My boss and co-workers got too involved in my situation, and they ended up being control freaks as well. Thats the time I met my soulmate Charlie (been together now 11 years) and he came to visit me at the apartment, stayed one night in my room. I was paying my share of the rent, so what I do in my personal time was none of De'nee's business but the next day he was raving on that he didn't like Charlie etc. Now that Charlie and I look back we think either he liked Charlie or me as even though he was touting he was gay and lived with his boyfriend, he did have previous girlfriends, even had a child. While his boyfriend was so nice to me, gave me my space De'nee was obsessed. Anyway one day his controlling got to me and I exploded and said I was leaving, started packing my things to head to the door but he locked me in against my will and rang up another co worker saying that I wanted to leave. It was madness. I mean it was nice of my workplace to support me but now THEY ended up being the very people I escaped from in the first place. He said to me "you know your going to lose your job now" trying to scare me to stay but I said "if you don't open that door, I will bash it down" because at that stage I was really scared. Being locked in against your will isn't fun. He relented and let me out and I never saw him or went back to work again. Charlie at the time, didn't realise how bad my family life was and suggested I go back home and try and work it out with them. He meant well, he has a good heart. I did go back home and they left me alone for a while but things of course didn't improve. At that stage my dad stopped hitting me as he knew I was at the stage that I would hit back. Even at school my teachers viewed me as aggresive but my mum who didn't hit me much in childhood but messed with my mind started on me and would tear at my hair to rip it out when we got in heavy arguments. Having met Charlie I hoped our families would together and be happy for us. Help us get married off to move into a place of our own, as we both entrusted our own parents in saving money for us. He has an italian background and I have a greek background. Alot of european parents like to control their kids finances, a common thing they say is "let us save your money for you" when you start working but getting it back is another thing. NOT all european parents do this, but alot of immigrants who moved to australia in the 60's have this bad trait. Anyway the parents concentrated on marrying off our siblings and didn't care for our relationship to progress further even though they all knew we were madly in love. We feel they were even jealous of us. My parents marriage was arranged and his mum dealt with his dad's infedelity so their relationships were a mess. We have been through alot together, my post abortion stress syndrome, his prior meth addiction, our families interference, maliciousness from siblings etc. and have come out the other end, still very much in love and planning a future together. The families expected us to break up. We decided in the end to leave those narcisisstic bastards behind so we can heal in peace. We can't even see relatives as our families poisoned everyone against us. God forbid people find out that THEY were the ones with the problem all along. Oh yes Dad even followed me in the beginning when I first started going out with Charlie, nearly scared him off. At the time I told Charlie to pick me up near the family house, and Dad had followed me right to the vehicle. Didn't see him at the time but when I went to close the car door, I felt someone holding it open. Got the shock of my life. I think thats when Charlie started realising my family was just as crazy as his. His is actually worse than mine, which is why he is so understanding. I remember Dad hiding in the bushes when an ex boyfriend of mine dropped me off and out he came threatening him and his friend about "never seeing" me again. SO I was somewhat grateful that he came to talk to my "new" boyfriend in a civil tone even though he was still acting crazy. It was like Phew he didn't scare him off. Anyway I have been rambling now sorry guys lol. I am off to make myself and my other half a nice dinner. Love genuine

[Sela]

The idea was get as much control over as much as possible.  The whole thing is like one big, huge control quest!

I'm so glad you're away from that "family" situation now Genuine.  There was absolutely no respect for your personal boundaries, or for you, for that matter, as a responsible person.  You were treated like chattle.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Genuine)))))))))))))))))))))))

No worries about rambling here either.  Ramble away.

Sela

[Plucky]

Genuine,
I'm glad you got that off your chest.  I can sort of feel your feelings in your torrent of words.  What a sick controlling environment!  It is so good that you knew that and were able to get out.  I am so glad that you have Charlie and that he has you.  Come back and tell us the rest when you are ready.
Plucky

[vunil]

Genuine-- I am so sorry about what you went through!

I read this whole thread and have been pondering Sela's idea of free will.  I think that, if we are parented in a certain (bad) way that we always will bear the brunt of it in some way or another.  It's just too hard to have free will that early in life.  Like Daylily, I responded to overcriticism by overachieving.  It wasn't until about 10 years ago that it suddenly hit me that I was really confused about something-- I actually thought if I was in fact good on lots of "objective" dimensions that the criticism would stop!  I even said to them that I didn't understand why they belittled every little thing I said when, objectively, I was living my life really well and so it was impossible that I was utterly confused, wrong-headed, and unintelligent, so why keep criticising me?  Those of you with parents like mine must be laughing right now-- !  The truth is, the more I achieved the more they critisized me because the more threatened they felt.  They still do it, although I have a little more control over it, but their first instinct is to tell me I am wrong about everything.  I have learned just not to listen, to put my mind on hold when they do it.

I also agree with many others that you have that frigging voice in your head criticising for the rest of your life.  I have learned to live with it, often tell it to please shut up, sometimes mock it, and sometimes listen to it for a minute before realizing what is going on.  Sometimes I tell it "well, I hope you can get over it!" in a friendly voice.  But that darned voice is mine, a legacy of my childhood.  Therapy at least helped me realize it is not my voice and that I don't have to listen to it.

[genuine]

Oh yeah Sela finally I am free <happy dance> Thanks for putting forth your point of view

Thanks for your support Plucky. It was definitely a sick environment and in turn I DID get sick. I'm still unwell, with an anxiety disorder, syndrome x and an excess of testosterone but at least I can concentrate on getting better now that I am out of that negative environment.

Hi Vunil, it sounds like your parents are can I say Jealous? of you. Its strange that they keep on criticising you. Its like whatever you do and say, its never good enough. They are projecting themselves onto you, because they can't handle to look in the mirror.