Over-Criticism from Parents

[genuine]

Thought you might find this of interest. From http://www.angermgmt.com

The most popular emotional wrecking tool with parents is over-criticism.

The slogan of the over-critical parent is "I'll get that kid to shape up even if it kills him! After all, its for his/her OWN good! They will thank me some day!" The really dedicated over-critical parent rides the kid's back from the moment his feet touch the floor in the morning until he passes out at night! They become angry to the point of rage (or violence) whenever their kid "fails" to live up to their expectations. They resort to all kinds of ways and means to punish and "humiliate" the kid to live up to their unrealistic expectations and standards. The apparent aim of this kind of misguided parent(s) is to build the child up by tearing them down! The end result of course is just that, a torn down, broken hearted and bitter(angry) kid!

The child (victim) of the over-critical parent's "good intentions" soon starts to feel that he or she just can't do anything right! Whenever he or she falls short of perfection, they are made to feel they are a total screw up. And he now begins to feel that, since he or she has failed to live up to their parent's impossibly high standards and expectations, he doesn't therefore deserves their love and respect. A deep and dark feeling of "self-contempt" (anger at self) and worthlessness overwhelms him to the point of self-destructive behavior. Kids resent (are angry about) being "put down" and insulted all the time ESPECIALLY by their OWN parents! They rebel against it, and parents then wonder "whats gotten into him ?"

Since he has been made to feel he's a "loser" by HIS OWN PARENT(S), he will now dramatize (act out) this conviction for the rest of his life. He enters into negative, destructive activities with other "losers" (gangs) and now will "succeed" at doing things that don't need to be done, like shooting or smoking dope, stealing cars, being sexually promiscuous, failing in school and so on. And in the end, his "good-intentioned" and well meaning parent(s) will simply say to themselves, "We just can't understand it! And after all we have done for this rotten kid..." It is time to let our young people know that adults (parents, teachers,) have problems too, that they are trying very hard to "over-compensate" for their own deficiencies because they want to look good in the eyes of others. Holding unrealistic goals and standards for our children makes positive cooperation between the adults and kids impossible and turns the "generation gap" into a war zone with millions of casualties on both sides.

[Sela]

That's very interesting Genuine.  Who would have thought there is profit to be made by people's anger??
Wonders never cease.

Maybe I'm weird but to be honest.......I just have a really hard time living up to this.

My parents were very critical......over critical.....to the point of insantiy (my opinion) sometimes but I didn't go out and commit crimes, fail in school, and become a druggie.

What we do belongs to us.  I chose what to do (and made some bad choices too sometimes) but the bottom line is........the devil didn't make me do it.  Much of what we are comes from inside us, not just our environment.  I suppose for some people....environment has more weight but for me.....deep inside, I have always believed, even from a small child......that I......will do what I think is right...regardless of my lunatic parents.

Nope....I'm not a criminal, made it through school ok and I don't do drugs.   So the theory that children will do these things to prove their parents right when their parents over criticise just doesn't go down well with me because I CHOSE  to prove them wrong.

Maybe I'm cracked???   But something tells me I'm not the only one, in fact, there might be a lot of people who just don't......talk about it.......or get included in these studies.......but are managing to prove their parents wrong on a daily basis???

This isn't to say that being critical of children has no effect but only that it doesn't always have the same effect and is a bad excuse for all such behaviour.  We do have choices.

Sela

[Gail]

I think people react differently to overly critical parents depending on their own temperaments and other circumstances in their lives.

My X BF reacted to his overly critical mother (and he describes her almost word for word like the initial post) by determining that no one was ever going to tell him what to do.  It really got him into trouble when he was in the military, almost cost him his life because his commanding officer got so mad at him, he tried to put him in an almost certainly fatal assignment. He decided never to get married, never to have to children, and no woman was ever again going to "control him".  As a result, he's had a string of broken relationships.  It's so sad because I left him, and another girlfriend he really cared for left him, because he wouldn't "give in" at all, even to reasonable requests to stop behavior that was hurtful.  He sees that as being a "Yes, dear" kind of guy, and he absolutely won't go down that road.  Situations that could have been worked out with compromise were seen as win/lose situations.  And he always had to win.

I reacted to the over-criticism by becoming overly compliant, at least on the surface.  I will almost always give in to someone else, although when I make up my mind not to, I can dig my heels in the sand.   I also tend to blame myself when things go wrong, while X BF is never wrong.  (Weren't we just made for each other? )  Both of us became professional people, not delinquents, but that constant criticism as children certainly damaged us very much.

I used to use a phrase, when I was teaching, that I found was so powerful for children who were struggling.   It was, "I am on your side."  I didn't mean that I would always take their side, even if they deliberately did something wrong, in a conflict situation.  What I meant was that I would try to help them with whatever they were struggling with--that I wasn't angry, I wasn't going to attack their character, that I had their best interests at heart.  We had some students that had pretty serious learning disabilities and who were mistreated by some of the other teachers and sadly, a few by their own parents.   They knew I was a safe person and that was very healing for me, and I'm still close to a few of my former students who now tower over me.   I try and make sure my children know that, too.  I tell them that I will love them no matter what and to please come to me first if they are in any trouble.  I don't want them to handle serious problems on their own.  It was extremely damaging to me that I didn't go to my parents when things went wrong as a child and teenager.  I cringe when I hear parents say that they tell their children, "Don't come to me if you get into trouble.  If you get yourself into a mess, you have to get yourself out."

I can see some gifts I have as a result of what I experienced as a child.  It doesn't take away from the seriousness of what I experienced, but at least I can think that something good came out of it--an awareness of how much children can suffer.

Gail

[Brigid]

genuine,
I, too, was raised in a home with constant criticism from my n father.  It was never angry or physically abusive criticism, but just that constant picking at everything I did.  I still hear that voice in my head to stand up straight, don't mumble your words, hold your fork correctly, on and on.  Perhaps it would not have been so bad if sometimes I heard positive reinforcement, but that was NEVER the case.  I was never told I did anything well or that I was loved.

Like Sela, I turned out OK, was a good kid in school, never did drugs and my drinking is moderate.  That is not to say that I don't have scars from the criticism, but it did not turn me into a rebellious teen or young adult.  I believe I am a very good parent who learned how not to parent growing up and I go out of my way not to criticize my children and always praise them for their accomplishments--either large or small.  IMO they have turned out to be great young adults of whom I am very proud.

I agree that criticizing and belittling your children is probably one of the worst things you can do for their overall emotional development.  Just like emotional abuse is so much more damaging than physical abuse in domestic violence situations.  The damage becomes so much more internalized and part of who that person is.  A therapist has to dig so much deeper to get to those wounds than those which can be seen from the outside.  Everyone will react differently to the treatment they receive as children based on personality, birth order, intelligence, etc.  I know people who are great parents who still have children with some serious emotional problems.  Sometimes it is out of your control. 

Brigid

[genuine]

Sela I understand what your saying, we all do make our own choices. Then I see the other flip side of the coin, when it comes to my own circumstances. I remember my nmother never teaching me anything about safe sex, contraception etc. I remember asking about the pill when I was in high school and she just freaked. No surprise a couple of years later at 19 years of age I found myself pregnant and dealing with unplanned pregnancy. Of course her solution was to send me off to the abortion clinic.

I was brought up VERY sheltered. My nfather used to follow me even when I met up with friends or went to work to see what I was up to. I was very much under my nparents control. They programmed me well and I do believe that my environment did play a HUGE part in my decision making process.  I only just left the family home at 28 years of age back in 2003 when I had enough of the abuse. Up until then I was highly dependent on them. Now I live with my boyfriend who luckily understands all too well as he left behind his nfamily too.

He used to have a methamphetamine addiction which I'm happy to say he overcame some years back. Usually I have no patience for druggies, but I knew in my heart not to give up on this guy. He was just hell bent on hurting himself because of his damn family, awful people. They are my family tripled and I'm glad that we both got away from both sides. Mind you they continue to harrass us, via phone, mail, internet, even coming to the door but we will never let them into our lives again.

[genuine]

Gail good point you brought up. I believe mothers are more influential in their sons lives than people think. During the 10 years that I have been with my boyfriend, I witnessed countless attacks from his nmother. She had utter contempt for him, it was as if she was acting like an ex girlfriend, like he did HER wrong by not living up to HER expectations. When he was a teenager his nmother gave him such a complex about his nose (which was slightly crooked, but still looked fine) to the point where he had an unnecessary nose job. All because of HER vanity, she always went on about wanting to get a nose job herself. I can see how your x bf turned out that way. The damage is done and it will take a whole lot of work to undo. I am still deprogramming from my own nmother.

[genuine]

Brigid I agree its hard to distinguish. I believe everybody's abuse at the hands of a nparent is valid and no ones pain is greater or lesser than the other but I also believe that those who are abused to the extreme, with violence, sexual abuse etc. will be more immobilised than others and have different obstacles to overcome. I personally come from a history of violence and emotional abuse. I am more cut up still about the violence that was inflicted on me than the emotional battering..I am over that now..not over it BUT now that I'm nearing 30 I have come to terms with that aspect and moved on but its the physical memories I am still struggling with. Its the physical which made me act out and rebel when I was younger. Thats why I related so much to that article I posted.

[Sela]

Hi all:

I don't mean to say that what we experience has no effect on us or that over-criticism is an ok thing to do to kids.   I guess what I'm stumbling around trying to say is something to the effect that there are still choices left, after the fact, not that their behaviour doesn't damage us.

First.......Genuine......good for you for finally getting away from these people.  That was a fantastic choice and absolutely a step toward healing!!  That must have been really hard after 28 years!  Good for you for finding the courage and having the strength!  Some people stay.  You broke free!!  That's truly wonderful!!

Re your high school activities.......did you know you could get pregnant by your actions?  Do you think you did it in rebellion or in a depression or just acted irresponsibly or for some other reason?  Was there any other way you could have found out about and gotten the pill or alternate birth control?  That was 13 years ago right?  Was there a guidance department at your school?  A school nurse?   At the abortion clinic.......did you tell them you did or did not want an abortion?

I'm just wondering if you had any other choices that.......maybe you didn't even consider??  When we live with controlling people for so long........it's like we become robots (almost).  We forget we have choices.  We lose so much of ourselves that we just don't see many choices at all.  It's not that the choices disappear.

I can only imagine how much hold your mother had on you back then and how tough it must have been for you.  Maybe it was dangerous to go against her wishes??  I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that Genuine and I'm very, very glad that you are away from them now and living your own life.....making totally independant choices.  That's gotta feel good!   Way to go!!

  Sela

[genuine]

Did you know you could get pregnant by your actions?  Do you think you did it in rebellion or in a depression or just acted irresponsibly or for some other reason?  Was there any other way you could have found out about and gotten the pill or alternate birth control?  That was 13 years ago right?  Was there a guidance department at your school?  A school nurse?   At the abortion clinic.......did you tell them you did or did not want an abortion? Maybe it was dangerous to go against her wishes??

Good Questions Sela. I'll answer them as best I can.

Did you know you could get pregnant by your actions? 

Of course I did, I hope I didn't come across that naive hehe. I take responsibility for my part for sure. I was old enough to know better. I never received love from home I went out looking for it. I was in a 2 month relationship with the would be father of the child before he left.

Do you think you did it in rebellion or in a depression or just acted irresponsibly or for some other reason?

It was definitely a depression, not a rebellion or even being that irresponsible because alot of people unfortunately take silly risks during their formative years. I haven't met one person who didn't use protection at least once. Of course that is NO excuse but its not like I was sleeping around. I was in a relationship.

Was there any other way you could have found out about and gotten the pill or alternate birth control? 

Not at the time, only condoms. As I said, I was very sheltered. My nmother would go snoop in my bedroom every chance she got. She put me off educating myself. I was dealing with a bad family life.

That was 13 years ago right?

10 years now

Was there a guidance department at your school?

We did have sex Ed

A school nurse?

Yes but keep in mind I remained a virgin until 18..I left at 16 to get into college

At the abortion clinic.......did you tell them you did or did not want an abortion?

The thing is I DID wish to terminate only because I was young (19 years old) and was no way ready to become a mother. A very hard decision that I had to make, I didn't like it but it was my life lesson. My beef with nmother was she was too worried about me shaming the family, people finding out..she didn't care to even ASK me what I wanted to do. She sent off to the clinic with a friend of hers, total secrecy. I just wanted this ordeal over so it all hit me after the fact. The treatment I received from her. Some examples: calling me "slut" even though I have only been a few partners in life. Actually I met my soul mate some months after the abortion. We are still together and plan to marry one day. I told him the truth from the very start. Also another example was when my oldest brother started a family, she rubbed my nephew in my face. Expected me to be jealous, but I loved the little fella. Mind games like that. My whole family played them.

Maybe it was dangerous to go against her wishes??

No it wasn't at the time as I was not ready to have a baby. IF I were, different story, I would have fought tooth and nail for what I wanted.

Hope this gives you more insight in understanding my past situation. Thanks for your well wishes.

genuine [/font]

[Sela]

Hiya Genuine:

Thankyou so much for answering all those questions and for taking responsibility for your choices.  I bet that feeling not loved and searching for it in the wrong places, feeling depressed, taking risks, etc. were probably all a response to being overly criticised by your parents etc. Their behaviour caused you harm...damage and that is so unfair and upsetting.  I'm so sorry they did that to you Genuine. Thankyou for sharing so muich and for being so honest.

How we feel definately has an effect on what we choose eh?  (and I believe what we think has immense influence on how we feel).

If someone is putting us down over and over.....it takes a thick head to reject all of that.  My mother always said I had a "thick skulll".  She was right about that.  I didn't believe much of the criticism that was dished out.  I would think:  "Not true" and "you're nuts" and get away as quick as possible.  Think about something else.  Dooo something else.  For some reason I just wouldn't accept it (consciously, anyway.......but unconsciously.......I'm not so sure I escaped the damage.....actually......I know I didn't ).

I'm so glad you're here now Genuine.  All of the stuff your parents criticised you about.........all of it..........

IT'S NOT TRUE!!!

You may already have decided that.   It's not true and it will never be true.

You are a good person who deserves to be treated with love and respect and your parents and mine were acting "NUTS" to criticise their children like that!

It caused damage to our emotional state and that's the bottom line.

Emotional damage that definately had an effect on how we chose to act (or act out?).

You've helped me put that into words Genuine.  I like to take fullllllllllllllll responsibility for everything.

That's not healthy either.

  Sela

[Hopalong]

Aw, Genuine, I am so so sorry. She was so broken and punitive. That must have hurt so much.

I hope now you'll get out there and fill your life with loving, nurturing mamas.
Rent, borrow, and befriend them, just fill yourself up with good kind people.

And keep asking yourself how to be KIND to yourself, what it actually feels like to actively direct a feeling of love into your own chest. (That was such a weird concept to me, to actively feel self-love instead of think "yeah, I get it, that's a good idea"--which was all in my head. I feel it more during things like group support conversations, even here, and now in a few meditative things I do. But physically, it's actually a calm warmth in my chest I can tune into now and then.)

Never give up on the hope of happiness.

Hopalong

[genuine]

Thanks Sela and Hopalong. I feel alot of my "acting out" was due to getting hit many times by my nfather from a very young age, 5 onwards. I remember one instance when he wouldn't stop hitting me thinking to myself "is he going to kill me?" and no young girl should have to think like that. I witnessed my nmother have "episodes" where she would act crazy because me and my brothers were simply being kids, laughing and playing around. She would jump around in a circle imitating our laugh for like 10 minutes, it was scary to see. I remember being locked in the garage in the pitch black. I remember the closest I ever got to "affection" if you can even call that was my nmother letting me sit on her lap, but it was bittersweet when she was looking back at me with cold eyes and couldn't bring herself to hug me. I don't know why all this stuff is suddenly coming out but thanks for letting me ramble. I love coming here to this forum, as its like a "proper" family, its safe, open and very supportive. It means alot. Much Love genuine

[mum]

I think I understand the ramifications of having an overly critical parent when I see my children's behavoir. Both are teenagers, and rather well adjusted and talented people.
However, as I watched my son struggle with a  college application over the weekend, it occured to me just how much his passivity and occassional helplessness is a result of his father's criticism.
I offered to help edit his essay, when he told me it was barely started. He said "what do YOU want me to say?"  As if that were something to even consider!!
Keep in mind that up until this point, his dad had been "helping" him with other aspects of it (online) at the dad's house.
Dad had listed HIS address for our sons' primary address (incorrect, and if you know anything about financial aid, you know how important it is to list the custodial parent's adress) and that kind of thing "branded" the whole application as "belonging" to the father! 
So I had to walk this  "almost adult" through some really basic stuff like: tell me how YOU would answer the prompt...just talk to me. I wrote down every thing he told me in note form and he totally brightened.....and took it from there.  But it's sad how he just assumed he had no say, even in an essay of his own words.
My daughter has a different approach. She is tough but  nursing an ulcer being a straight A student. She tells ME her anger toward her dad's controlling behavoirs, but refuses to tell him.. She is  voiceless to express dissatisfaction with him....and does everything (except having become a total jock) to keep him from criticizing her.... which he does anyway, as she has "curves" and does not have the body he would like her to have.
Anyway, that's my experience with it....I can totally see as a teacher as well, how overly critical parents can damage kids in different ways.

[daylily]

In my family, the response to an overly critical mother was universal over-achievement.  My siblings and I were all very good students.  All of us were in the top 10 in our high school classes, went to good colleges, graduated with honors, and accrued various awards and scholarships along the way.  Probably the most prestigious was my middle sister's full tuition scholarship to one of the best business schools in the country.

My parents were so fortunate to have four intelligent, compliant, curious children.  As I got older and my acquaintances broadened, I met many smart kids who had one or more slacker siblings.  I think it's pretty sad that my parents could never enjoy the family they had because my mother was so busy hankering after...what?  Prettier daughters?  A higher-earning husband?  I don't think she could ever have told you, but her discontent was a virus that infected everyone she loved.

It has always struck me as interesting that my siblings and I haven't really been able to capitalize on our intellectual abilities.  We did well in school, but we couldn't really translate that into "life" achievement.  We're all tax-paying, law-abiding citizens, but we've taken the easier roads in adulthood.  Three out of the four of us work for the government, which has never been known as a hotbed of industry or creativity, and from which it's next to impossible to be fired.  That doesn't mean we're lazy or incompetent, only that we're very attached to security.  And that probably speaks to a deep-rooted self-doubt.

Genuine, I think whoever wrote the material you quoted has a very simplistic and one-sided viewpoint.  Children of extremely critical parents play out their insecurities in many ways.  The writer's blanket assertion that such children will be attracted to, and engage in, destructive behaviors just ain't necessarily so.

Anyway, just my $.02.

daylily



 

 

[Gail]

To Genuine,

I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents.  They committed felony child abuse by treating you that way.  No child should be terrorized by the people who should protect and love them.  What they did was more than over-criticism, it was physical assault.

I also found it interesting that you said were very sheltered and your dad used to follow you to check up on you.  That sends a crazy making double message which had to be really confusing--physically and emotionally abusing you on one hand, but acting over protective on the other.  Maybe he was afraid you'd tell someone what he was doing to you at home.

I'll be your "mom" if you'd like.  

((((((((Genuine)))))))))

Gail