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Facing the monster

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Marta:

--- Quote ---The only present he has bought him was a stuffed bear that he recorded his own voice in.
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OMG, what an N!!!!!!

Cadbury, so sorry at what he put you through. Police incident sounds so humiliating and hurtful. Of course we understand that you don't want the sperm donor to be around your son, for he is simply using the child for his own gratification. Its a good thing you left him before the baby was born. I hope that you get sole full custody of the child.

Love, Marta

October:

--- Quote from: Cadbury on October 25, 2005, 03:29:56 PM ---This is a different topic to my other post, so I started a new thread.

My ex has asked to see my son this coming Saturday. After refusing the contact centre for four months he has now suddenly said he would like to see him. I only have 3 days to prepare myself and I cannot stop shaking.


--- End quote ---


Sorry if this sounds too simplistic, but why not say no?  Tell him that you already have plans for this weekend, and that if he wants to see your son he has to give you two weeks notice, preferably in writing.

That is only fair, because you deserve to be able to plan your life, and not drop everything just because he decides on a whim that actually he has nothing better to do this weekend, so he might as well see the baby.

Forget what anyone tells you about the 'shoulds' of fathers and sons.  Follow your instincts.  It looks to me as if they are telling you loud and clear that this is not right.  So don't do it.   :)

Cadbury:
Well, contact will be happening on Saturday at 1pm. I am scared, but I know it will have to happen sooner or later so best get it over with.

October : the contact was ordained by a judge in July. I have been on Standby on a Saturday afternoon ever since. This is just the first time he has taken it up. It is crappy, but what can I do? I wish I could say no, that is what all my instincts want to do, but I can't. :( Thank you for the idea though :)

Marta, Mudpuppy, Hopalong,Miss Piggy and Brigid : I haven't got time for a "proper" response to each of you ( I hate not doing that, it seems rude) so I wanted to thank you for your support, it helps so much. I will reply in more detail as soon as I can.

In the mean time, do any of you have any suggestions on how best to cope with him? At the moment I am leaning towards distant politeness to keep him happy enough that he doesn't get angry, but also may encourage him to lose interest faster? What do you think?

Hopalong:
I think your instincts are excellent. Distant politeness sounds perfect.
Good luck with the visit. I think without the "negative attention" of your visible distress, he'll get less out of the visit than he's hoping. Distant politeness is really, really unpleasant for Narcissists.

You're a tiger.
Hopalong

Healing&Hopeful:
For me this is interesting to read as I'm assuming my Mum went through the same things.  She wouldn't have him in the house and refused to talk to him unless she absolutely had to.  Dad got access one Saturday a fortnight but he made sure he came every saturday, never on time, and probably because he caused more distress for everyone concerned.  He did think he had "rights" to me though, however he didn't want to do anything to back it up, if that makes any sense.

My advice would be to get your boundaries clear in your head.  Get the time clear how long you want him to be there, say half an hour to an hour, then arrange something with a friend.  Tell him this beforehand so he knows how much time he has, then if he's late it's his problem, whatever blame he tries to put on you.  Make your boundaries and keep them.

I wish you all the best hon.... big hugs... H&H xx

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