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Facing the monster

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Cadbury:
Tithead is YIM-ing me.... I am still engaging...please, someone shoot me!

Tithead: I know you were, I do know you, I just wish you wouldn't think off me in a way that I'm not.

Cadbury: you don't know me at all. Not in the least bit. I don't think of you at all if I can help it, but when I do, I know I have finally seen exactly what you are. That isn't anger, that is fact.


I have to stop.... He is pushing buttons... listen to myself!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry - insane rambling....

mum:
((((((((((((Cadbury)))))))))))))
Oh, Sweetie. I'm so sorry you feel things went awry!
I had a similar experience in the presence of a mediator.  It was as if I FINALLY had a chance to empty out all those bad feelings I had for what my ex did in front of someone who I thought would SEE what was going on and what a horrible man he is!! Unfortunately, what she saw was me, being very angry and hostile and not dealing well at all, while he sat there just acting all nice and normal.  It was terrible, too.
The GOOD NEWS: it was not the end of the world, nor did it "put him up one" in any way.
I thought it was the bottom, believe me....and for me, it was the darkest hour....just before dawn!!  
Please have faith. I have found in my life, that those moments (days, weeks,) at the bottom of the ocean are the times when a miracle is just around the corner.
Anyway, by the next time I went to mediation, I had really done some work letting go of my anger and hurt....and I was calm and collected, and my ex was a mess!!! The mediator was appalled at his behavoir, really. I think the more healthy we get, the worse the N's get.  
And the bottom line is: what happens in mediation (at least here) unless agreed upon by both parties, goes nowhere....mediators cannot testify in court, etc.  
PLEASE don't take this temporary setback as the way things ARE. It is already in the past. Got that? PAST.  
It's over.  You don't need to punish yourself anymore for not being "perfect". That's all in your head. Change your mind about what that is, ok? You get to decide....you get to give yourself a break.
Right at this moment, you are ok. Don't worry about the future...it doesn't really exist....or the past...that doesn't exist either.
You are a great mom....you are responding to trauma the way anyone would when they think they have a sympathetic audience.... Hang in there. Sending you peace.

mum:
Ok, Cadbury. I will stop you.
UNPLUG him.  Don't respond, it is not you responding...it's your anger...don't let it control you.
So get somewhere alone (you have kids...how about a closet??)
Try this: (it helped me)
Imagine a chain around your middle....he holds the other end.  Now imagine a huge axe, chain saw, etc...that cuts through that chain like a hot knife in butter. Rev up that saw, girl....scream "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME" and cut it!!!
OR; (and don't let your kids see this....mine did and it scared the heck out of them...they had no idea mom had such rage):
pound and scream into a pillow how angry you are at the unfairness of it all...at the pain he caused, at the connection you are stuck with to him.....and after a while you will see that baby's face and realize the bigger picture....don't try to see it too soon. You MUST acknowlege the anger, just not to Tithead!!
Let me know how it goes. Sending strength.

Cadbury:
Thank you so much mum... I am trying to stop, but I am so angry. I have to stop, I am torturing myself. I have gotten worse, I have answered him loads of times... I will stop it now. Thank you so much for your support. I willupdate this later. Thank again ...

Hopalong:
Ditto Mum, very word.

A relapse is just a relapse, Cadbury hon.
It's one step on the way to full recovery.
It's even PART of recovery.

Sometimes our old-selves just rear up and resist our demands for change and growth. Think of nature, how much upheaval is involved in birth, how messy and painful it is before the little chick is out and all fluffy and cute. DON'T WORRY about making bloody mistakes, you've been in labor! You're in transition, fergodssake...women are BANSHEES and say (or IM....) all SORTS of things they don't mean when they're laboring to give birth (to new selves).

Please stop punishing yourself...you don't deserve it. Somewhere down in, you know that. WE know that and we'll remind you!

And this may sound, ummm, repetitive, but isn't there a thing called Block Sender?
If you can't easily turn yourself off, or right now you're vulnerable to the hook of his IMs, can't you BLOCK HIM FROM INVADING YOUR COMPUTER?

(You'll soon be just as safe as you were earlier, in contact, or with the mediator. Do Not Worry about it. You can simply pick up the new practices of nonreacting and start again. It is just that...practice. You will do it and do it and then one day it'll dawn on you that you're in it all the way. Your detachment won't be a scary new "acting" part any more, it'll be a real part of your new character.)

Much love and support to you.
Forgive yourself RIGHT NOW! (Wouldn't you say that to one of us?)

Hugs,
Hopalong

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