Facing the monster

[Sela]

Hi Cadbury:

You're doing fantastic!  Really!!!  You are thinking before reacting......which is sooooo hard to do and such a wonderful skill.  You've developed it with him!!  (maybe not after every single sentence .......who's perfect?.......but mostly you're doing it and that's just fabulous!!).  I agree with Portia.  Give yourself a big pat on the back for learning so much and doing so well.

Ok........the-wants-to-hammer-him-big-time-part-of-me-is-coming-to-the-surface-again ( ).

Have you thought about taping these lovely visits?  Is it legal?

Up here......in Canada.....it is legal to record a conversation between people as long as one of the people is aware that the conversation is being recorded (and you would be the one person aware...since you would be recording it ).  The recording can even be used in civil court (but not criminal court).

Note:  It is illegal, here, to record the conversations of other people (in which you are not involved in the conversation) unless......the people conversing.......all of them.....are aware that the thing is being recorded.
 
Anyhow, when a situation came up...where I needed proof and could think of no other way......I put a micro recorder in my purse...with a little microphone and recorded certain conversations (advised to do so by my lawyer).    In my case.....the information gained was worth it's weight in gold and really helped.

I wonder if recording would show that TH is using visitation as a means to pester you?  If it might show that his concern for his child is pathetically low or absent?  Just an idea.  Maybe useless.

Keep your chin up Cadbury.  This won't last forever (I guess I sound like a broken record sometimes eh?  I just think it's sooooooo important to remember there will be an end to this junk). 

The worst part is that to an outsider it may also look a little over the top, but they don't know what he's like.

Key word........outsider.  Not someone close, inside the picture who knows TH or his tactics.  Not someone who cares about you and your son.  But an outsider who really doesn't understand the situation.  To an outsider.......everything looks different eh?   That's ok.  We're all outsiders to lot's of stuff.

You did the right thing about the Christmas gifts, if you ask me.  Those were/are just a tactic.  At first...to try to woo, buy and trick you.  Now, a reminder of how "nasty" you are (and how patient and committed he is).

To steal an old.....well used line:

GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!!  (need a barf icon about now).

Manipulative.....controlling.......garbage is all it is.

Great for bringing the book to read!  Hey!  Maybe next time the title will be:

"How to deal with controlling people"  ??  or   "The emotional vampire" ??  or something that fits??

(((((((((((((((Cadbury))))))))))

  Sela

[Hopalong]

Cadbury,
Thanks so much for giving us an update...I'd been thinking of you.
What a strong person you're becoming. We had Martin Luther King day yesterday (my hero)...so when I read about your contact sessions and realize what it costs you to not go mad with rage...my respect deepens. (Can you imagine how those folks in the deep South felt about the sniggering sheriffs and their dogs and water hoses? They just kept walking...wouldn't take the bus...did not engage...would NOT quit.)

This bit made my skin crawl: '...he talks to the baby. "Does mummy feed you too much?" " Does mummy pick you up as soon as you whinge?" " Is mummy spoiling you?"... "

Makes me respect your strength even more. I personally would like to squash him like a bug.

I wonder, what if you brought a cardboard box and packing tape with you next time, already labeled Salvation Army, and simply picked up his "gifts" and placed them in it and taped it shut. Leave it behind.

Ns are such tightwads maybe he'd stop foisting unwanted gifts on you. This way, you let him feel the pain of spending money without getting the "score" of making you take things home with you.

Or maybe that's engaging too and might encourage him to play even more games with it. (He'd bring something enormous the next time and smirk at you).

Anyway, it's thrilling that you may get a chance to move away, and better yet that he's screwing up by not providing medical evidence that the court's expecting.

Please keep us posted!

(((Cadbury))))

Hopalong

[mum]

Cadbury, OR, Mia. Solidarity, women. That's the power. Right there with you!!!!

[mum]

hi, Cadbury, got my posts mixed up. You are amazing. Doing a wonderful, just wonderful job. An example for all of us facing this kind of monster.  I have decided it may help me to picture YOUR ex, or another one of these idiots in place of my own exN and then I can pretend I am YOU and just read my book!!!
Thanks for your inspirational and POWERFUL (yes, powerful) attitude.

[tejaspear]

Hi Cadbury,

My heart goes out to you!  I did not take the time to read all the posts on this thread -- there are so many! -- but just in case no one else has mentioned this, if I were you I would get a background check done on your N ex. He may very well have some type of criminal history which would be a great advantage for you to know about in re the courts. I also wonder about his background in re friends and family. Since he has fabricated things about you, something tells me he has a past replete with stuff that really DID happen, and that you could find out about and prove in court (with willing witnesses).

Sorry if that is of no help, but just wanted to post it in case it would be of help, because that really, really bothers me that he has been making those false accusations about you!

Best of love and luck to you and your precious baby!

TP

[tejaspear]

Oh! One other idea. Again, I don't know your full situation as there are so many posts in this thread, but I did read a few dozen of them and saw no mention about the financial aspects. Is your N ex paying child support? If so, you may have a huge bargaining chip there.

My son's biological father was someone I KNEW I did not want to have to be in my son's life if he didn't have to be (especially considering his past history of pedophilia but no police record of it to my knowledge). My trump card with him was that I told him that if he would give me full custody of the child I would not ask for one penny from him. He accepted. I know I saved myself and especially my son much emotional strife by doing this. Yes, it was HARD to get by without child support, but it was WORTH IT, totally!!!!!!!

It may be too late for you to do this. I was fortunate in that I did this before the baby was even born. He supplied me with a signed and notarized document signed by witnesses called "Waiver of Interest in Child" and when I got that I made many copies. It has been a bigger sense of security to me than his money ever could be, no matter how desperate the financial situation got at times. Now my son is away at college, on grants and student loans. We made it, even though I had no family to help me financially.

Whatever you do, remember "where there is a will there is a way."

Meanwhile, in case this man stays a big part of your child's life, I'd like to share the experience of my half-sister, who grew up with our N mother and her loving father. She is in her 30s now and will tell you today that EVERYTHING good in her childhood was from her father, and NOTHING from her N mother. Her dad loved her so well that she grew up having a healthy disdain toward our N mother's antics. She grew up very self-confident, assertive, sweet and with very strong boundaries.

Hugs,
TP

[tejaspear]

Sorry to keep posting here. I keep forgetting to say something: I gave the example of my half-sister growing up with our N mother because I myself did NOT grow up with our N mother. I was one of the children she left behind when she married the father of my half-sis. I was devastated to grow up without a mother, and only later in life realized that my half-sister was not luckier than me to have been the one to have a mother the whole time -- and even longer than that to realize she had it worse than me, but for her father.

Having just ONE truly loving and nurturing person in your life can be all the difference in the world....!

[Plucky]

TH (holding son): He's perfect isn't he
Me: Yes
TH: So we did do something right then?

Cadbury: Well....I did anyway.

Plucky

[Cadbury]

Thank you all so so much for your support. This was a quick note to say thanks and I have read all your responses several times.... just need to find enough time to write a proper response to you all....

I had my first session with a therapist last week, so I am still sorting through everything from that too. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to update you all properly...

thanks again everyone

[Plucky]

TH (holding son): He's perfect isn't he
Me: Yes
TH: So we did do something right then?

Cad, scratch my response above.  Someone else a few pages back had much better advice.  Never say the child anything but average.  Then the N cannot take any credit, or supply.
Plucky

[Cadbury]

Well.... it has been an incredibly long time since I last posted! How is everyone?!

I thought it would probably be better to post in this old thread simply because it would save me having to go over everything again.

So... 5 years on, what's changed?!

Well.... the court case is still ongoing. We are back again on Jan 28th and so far have had 3 (count 'em) FINAL hearings. Maybe things have changed, but I am sure the word FINAL meant something once upon a time!

I moved 240 miles away from him to be with another man (bad times, another story). I qualified as a teacher and successfully sued tithead for the money he owes me. The court case continued in the new place and became ever more complicated when tithead managed to get himself banned from the contact centre. Three cheers for the madman! We went back to court and I was representing myself, with the aid of a sympathetic lawyer who had prepper me thoroughly. I requested psychological testing as I felt that tithead was mad. He responded by saying it was actually me who was mad. Result? The judge sent us both off for psychological testing. 9 hours of testing over three sessions. I had 2 sessions, Tithead had 1 session then said that the psychologist had a secret agenda and withdrew from testing. Then said okay he would be tested, then turned up for a cancelled session and ranted at everyone how it wasn;t his fault, then finally had his second session. I return for my final session and the psychologist team are acting a little differently. I think the difference was from hearing my side of things and then meeting the man himself. They had never seen anyone quite like him. They tagged him as definitely narcissistic. I cried with relief. The Psych said "he cannot hide what he is. These personality disorders are exactly that, he cannot hid his personality as he does not know it is different".

You'd think that would mean something, but no.... tithead refused to accept the findings of the psych and wanted him struck off the court record. Apparently I had managed to charm the man into being on my side. (I am so powerful!) After a whole day in court tithead was awarded 3 hours of contact every 6 weeks to be heavily supervised. Back to court in a year to review. That was in Nov 2009. tithead has not taken up any of the sessions. He has followed me 240 miles across the country when he found out I was single. Followed me back down here when he discovered I had run away from him, but not made any effort to see his son. Then on Christmas Eve he turned up at my parents house with a present for our son. My car was there, he knew I was there. I phoned the police in abject terrror:

Me: "My ex, violent, boyfriend has turned up at my parents house where I am staying with a present for our son"
Police: "Did he do anything threatening?"
Me: "No, he just handed a present over and left. But he's not supposed to!"
Police:"You are phoning to tell us someone gave you a present at Christmas?"
ME:"YES!!!"


Ever felt an idiot?! I hate it that his games are so insiduous that people cannot see what he does.

As for me, I have been in therapy at the refuge for over a year nowand amfeeling a lot better for it, but with the court case rearing its ugly head again, I have gone a bit wobbly... My little baby is now almost 6 and so far I have kept him safe from tithead who has never spent any alone time with him.

How's everyone else?!

[lighter]

Ever felt an idiot?! I hate it that his games are so insiduous that people cannot see what he does.  Yup yup yup.  How do you think the conversation, with the police, would have gone had you told them your ex was menacing you at your parent's home, sans the details abuot dropping a Christmas present?  If your ex is under a court order to stay away from your son, outside the strictly supervised planned visits, then that's contempt, and it's the police's job to document that event.  They don't want to, but you should keep asking until they write that report, IME.  Document document document.[color]

As for me, I have been in therapy at the refuge for over a year nowand amfeeling a lot better for it, but with the court case rearing its ugly head again, I have gone a bit wobbly... My little baby is now almost 6 and so far I have kept him safe from tithead who has never spent any alone time with him.

That you've managed to protect your son as well as you have, for as long as you have, is remarkable.  I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  Isn't it nice when people like your ex show others who they are..... and those other people believe them?  All you can do is keep fighting the good fight, and maybe get a recording device.... about $70.00, but worth the investment if your State allows it.  When your ex admitted to lying about your father sexually abusing you, and all the rest of it ::shudder:: wouldn't it have been nice to play that recording back?  I don't know what other things he says to you, in private, but I'm guessing some of it would help you protect your son. You must purchase another device to record telephone conversations..... ask the guys at Best Buys..... but ask the Manager.  Not the teenaged help.   It's a bit complicated, and you need to practice a bit to figure it out.  Good luck to you in court.  Lighter

[Cadbury]

Thank you Lighter. I thought the same about the court order and supervised access, but the police seemed to think that it would be hard to prove that he knew I was at my parents' house.... Even though my car was there...

I had him arrested back in the summer when I was finally strong enought to bring the rape charges against him. He admitted that yes, he had used a knife and tied me up, but I had forced HIM to do it... the police said it would be my word against his and dropped the charges. I guess I have a lost a lot of faith in the authorities.

Anyway, I am lucky enough now that I have fought hard enough and long enough that I do not have to have any direct contact with him. It is just there is no way round hearing him talk when we are in court and the terror it brings back to hear his voice... *shivers*

And then there's the way he stands and stares at me. Still, better than the start of this thread!

[lighter]

He admitted he tied you up.....

and used a knife....

and raped you?

And the police dropped the charges?

I'm......

I'm.......

really wishing you'd recorded the conversation of him admitting he lied, bc he was "hurting."

He harms you, then seeks sympathy for harming you.   

Typical.

So so sorry, but you're doing so well.

Hang in there.

Lighter

[Cadbury]

Thanks Lighter! I appreciate the support.

He never admitted the rape, he said he tied me up and had sex with me at knife point because I made him. Still.... life goes on.

As for the things he said, I have most of it in email, it just doesn't seem to make much difference.

Our last court order gives him supervised contact every 6 weeks with a specific perrson (named in the order). He just wrote to my solicitor today and said "Thank you for the email, I shall forward my position statement ASAP, I am having a great deal of difficulty with contact centers so if you have any suggestions I would be most grateful." WTF?!! We haven't had a court order yet to replace the previous one, so what is he doing?!!! I hate all this "on my terms" stuff he tries to pull. I am hoping and hoping that this time someone will call him on it. It drives me insane!