Facing the monster

[Cadbury]

Well... It's been a long time since I updated. More than three years in fact!

I don't know how many of the people who remember me are here. I saw a post from hopalong but I haven't seen anyone else (but I've not done a massive amount of reading). I actually have good news!

After 6 and a half years in court we actually had a proper final hearing (our fourth!). Tithead represented himself and I actually had legal representation. After disputing his previous diagnosis of NPD because (he said) I had swayed the psychologist, he was ordered to be retested by a psychologist that I had never met. He was diagnosed with NPD. He argued with the psychologist ( of course!) and said that he had done some research and felt that the psychologist and not tested him correctly. He wanted the psychologist to use the new diagnostic that had not yet been published. The psychologist shot him down in flames and told him that under the new diagnostic they were moving away from diagnosing one particular personality disorder, and moving towards diagnosing people with a core personality type and elements of others. He said that under the new diagnostic, tithead would have a highly narcissistic core with elements of psychopath... It was a brilliant moment. I had to look down while that came out.

Tithead in court was something to see. He was representing himself, not because he had to, but because he knew he would do a better job than a lawyer. It was beyond terrifying when I had to take the stand and be questioned by him, but I addressed all my answers to the judge. When he questioned e psychologist it was actually awful to watch. It was the first time that I had ever truly realised that he cannot help what he is. He genuinely doesn't know that he is wrong. I didn't soften towards him, but I could clearly see the disorder and that was kind of weird. The psychologist proved him narcissistic in every single sentence he spoke. It was awful, but kind of gratifying.

Long story short, the judge refused all direct contact forever... He is allowed to write letters and that is all. Obviously he tries to push it. He has turned up at my parents house a few times, but that is nothing compared to having to see him. It was an incredibly long and painful battle, but I actually did it. I actually proved how dangerous he is and how damaging it would be for Alex to see him.

Anyway, I'm hoping that if anyone did remember me, that they see that it turned out ok and I am stronger for it.

I do have a phobia of relationships and tithead in particular, but my son is safe. Love to all, this board kept me going through the toughest time of my entire life. X

[sea storm]

re: Facing the monster

Good that you have identified him as a monster. He has sure stepped up for the rewards of being a jerk. The slandering was inexcusable but very enlightening. Now you know for sure he is a complete and utter rat or some such ferral beast.
I know there is a LOT of hype about involving the father and not alienating the child against his father and I bought into that myself to the detriment of my child.
Now I would do nothing to facilitate meeting with her dad.  It needs great skills in mental akido. For me this meant not being polite, instead being a robot with no detectable feelings that my ex could play on or use to manipulate me. He was a bad guy and a major N.  I doubt an N really wants the job of caretaking small children so there has to be another motif.

Obviously someone in administrative power has seen fit to all only guided access to your child.  Supervised access is a good idea if this is the case. Two weeks notice is good too.  This might be hard for you as you seem like a courteous person.
You must not get triggered by his behaviour when you see him or he will really get his rocks off on this. It is like blood to a vampire and he will say Oh goodeeee I really got to her.


As for the shaking at the thought of him and the panic ...... such telltale signs that he is not a safe person for your child.
You mention that he does creepy things with the child and it would be good to document them. Does he abuse substances?

Otherwise the holy grail of dealing with Ns is no contact.  I am not sure how to do this but work on no contact in every way. Hoping for a rabid dog is good, keeps your sense of humour alive. Ns need to be fed drama and attention. So extinguish this in every way. Pray that he meets someone else. Poor next person but it will help you. Any chance you could move away?  Change your phone number or anything to make things inconvenient. 

Get help. You need to have people who have your back.  They are out there in support groups and they know the very special problems you face. Other people don't have a clue and telling them your story makes you vulnerable to be seen as complaining. People generally don't have the slightest clue about narcissism or about he malignant kind of person who slanders the way your ex did. Very, very interesting that what he told the aurthorities was not believed and acted upon.

Focus on your child and don't let the bast...d  take your energy, love and attention.

You are awesome.  Don't forget it.  You deserve respect and so does your child.  you had the guts to leave and its not easy but you did it.


Stand tall sweet mother,

Sea storm

[sea storm]

Sorry for above post as I replied to a much earlier post.

I am so happy that you are coping with your ex.  You get better and better at it. I read all the posts and some are so funny that I laughed out loud. You sound so powerful now. All those posts were so helpful to anyone going through dealing with coparenting with a narcissist.

Sea

[Hopalong]

Cadbury, you are an AMAZON.

I am awed.

Hops

[lighter]

Cadbury:

I read your first post....

it was oddly clarifying.... I understood everything you said, and didn't doubt a single syllable.   

Then I skipped ahead to your update, and wasn't surprised you won your fight.  I also wasn't surprised it took over 6 years of fighting and shooting down the lies, and dispelling the chaos to get to a place where your child is safe.

The civil system is slow, and expensive; self perpetuating, and flawed, but.....

if you can afford to get to that final courtroom.....

the facts eventually triumph, IME.

I'm so glad you're doing well, and your Alex is safe:)

Lighter 

[sea storm]

Wow Cadbury, what you are going through is so difficult. It sounds like World War Two.

You have more guts than Dick Tracey.  You may feel very attacked but you are soldiering on and protecting your child against the odds. Good for you. 

My ex was a powerful psychopath and it was difficult to keep my daughter safe. It took a lot. I could not outsmart him because he has no conscience and that makes him sneaky, quick, lethal, effective and unbeatable.  Every once in a while I would throw myself out there and with huge energy and fierceness draw a boundary and act like I would rip his heart out if he crossed it. At peril to my life as he is a criminal. This allowed me to keep custody of our child.  I doubt he wanted her but he did not want me to have her.

Looking back on it I wish I had disappeared with her and risked everything. She is so precious. Watching her drive off with a stoned and drunk bastard really drove me wild. I ended up looking like the crazy woman calling his new wife and begging her to care for my daughter and not let him drink and drive. She didn't care a rat's ass. If I hadn't been broken I would have run. I was trying to do the right thing and go to university.

Back to you.  You are so awesome.  Good for you.  I am your cheerleader. You go girl.

Lots of love,
Sea storm

[Gaining Strength]

Such great news Cadbury.  You never gave up and your experience was confirmed by the psychologists and ultimately the court.  That is a major victory.  You are indeed very strong.  I am so glad for you and your child.  He may never know what you have endured to protect and provide for him but he will be better for it.  My hat is off to you.

[sea storm]

Hi Cadbury

I re read your posts and was glad to see that your sperm donar shot himself in the foot by being his own lawyer. How excellent for you and for the courts to see what he is. Grandiose. All along it seems that authorities are seeing that he is " off" and sensing that your child's best interests aren't served by contact with your ex.

You are arming yourself with a lot of knowledge about who you are up against.

In my last post I said that I wished I had the courage to take my child and run. That was not fair to you. Unless you have million dollars you can't do that. Just surviving financially is very hard these days. I also didn't mention that my daughter turned out well. She is 36 now and can understand some of what happened and she is out of the spiral of madness. She is strong, confident, funny and working as a professional. so she is not broken by having a narcissist as a father.  He tried to take her away from me in a custody battle but the court would not let him.  He did get custody but he mainly used his new young wife look after my daughter. He did not want the work and care of being a parent. He just wanted revenge.

Looking back I agree totally with the idea of being a zombie non reactor when there is contact with the ex.  Also being very vague about meeting, never solidifying times and dates unless he does.  Don't do any work for him in this department. Being very, very slow in responding to his lawyers, court or him. But always maintaining the flat affect. You can share with us how you really feel but don't feed the monster what he wants.... your heart, your feelings, your capacity to care. That just gives him a tee hee hee moment.

You came so far so fast in your posts.  You are WOMAN and you can roar.  Atta girl.

steadfasty cheering for you,

Sea storm

[Cadbury]

Wow, thanks so much everyone!

I reread a lot of my posts from when I first started on this board, more than 9 years ago now! It was incredible to see how much I have changed. I started so differently. I still believed he was right about his ex, that he'd had no choice but to abduct his other son...so much brainwashing. It makes me ill to see now. I was so different after my time with him, I barely recognise myself. I genuinely, thoroughly hope that it shows how bad these N's are. He completely changed how I was as a person. He cut me off from myself. I also hope people can see that it is possible to be free. It has not been easy and I am still scared of him and terrified of that sort of take over ever happening to me again. I have had two more abusive relationships, not as N as tithead, but bad nonetheless. I have also had a lot of detailed, specific therapy with a counsellor who specialised in women like me. I also had to painfully examine what it is about my own reactions that made me such perfect supply. It has been painful and long, but I am hopeful now. My Alex is safe, I am safe and they are the main things.

One day at a time! Much love to you all xx

[river]

For me this is interesting to read as I'm assuming my Mum went through the same things.  She wouldn't have him in the house and refused to talk to him unless she absolutely had to.  Dad got access one Saturday a fortnight but he made sure he came every saturday, never on time, and probably because he caused more distress for everyone concerned.  He did think he had "rights" to me though, however he didn't want to do anything to back it up, if that makes any sense.

My advice would be to get your boundaries clear in your head.  Get the time clear how long you want him to be there, say half an hour to an hour, then arrange something with a friend.  Tell him this beforehand so he knows how much time he has, then if he's late it's his problem, whatever blame he tries to put on you.  Make your boundaries and keep them.

I wish you all the best hon.... big hugs... H&H xx

********************************************************************* 
If H+H went thro this, and has survived to tell the tale, and also to be able to think clearly, and give good advice, then it would seem theres hope for your little one.  The only thing I'd add is that you'd have an added extra in your job as a mother which would be doing what you can to detox for your little boy, by explaining, or whatever it takes.  And BTW, I really get it, I dont think your reaction is in any way exaggerated.  I beleive that ultimately children choose health, if health is on offer, and your response sounds like a healthy response.  Its just it could be a hard time for you witnessing and trying to deal with what this contact will mean your your and your child's life.   

river