Facing the monster

[SurviveAndGrow]

Cadbury,

Sorry, I answered to an old post thinking it was new.  I'm a newbie...
I was so glad to use some of our awful experiences to help somebody.

I read the things your N did during and after your meeting.  It's so
similar to what my NMIL and one of my wife's friend would do.

Glad it went well and you are having fun with this assh.... in a suit.

SurviveAndGrow.

[Cadbury]

Survive and Grow - your post was excellent thank you so much! I have more contact next week with N and I will definitely use a lot of your suggestions. I did quite a good job last time, but did find m,yself engaging a little. He is such a creep. The times when I am unprepared are the worst. For instance I leant over to pick up a toy A (my son) had dropped and ex N said "Oh, I can see you are still feeding him yourself". What a horrible thing to say! I felt so uncomfortable and just kind of stuttered at him. I couldn't think how to respond. If I had said that what he had said was inappropriate he would have gotten all over defensive and blamed me for taking it the wrong way. I suppose I should have just said "yes, I am" and ignored any of his suggestive comments.

I still don't know how to deal with his lies. He will say something that I know to be untrue and I am left wondering how to respond to blatent fantasy. He sent me an email saying that he had tried to pay some of the money he owes me into my bank account, but they wouldn't let him. Now, I know he wanted me to fawn at his feet for being so thoughtful, so caring... but I have just ignored him.

Also, he will come out with odd things at random times. We were in the middle of discussing contact with the mediator on Friday and he just suddenly turned to me and said (in his serious voice, because he is oh so important) "Can I ask Cadbury, *looks at mediator as if to show him that I am an idiot who needs help* is all of this because you don't want to share him? That you want A all to yourself?" I just looked at him and said "No". The mediator just ignored the comment entirely. What an odd thing to say though? What do you say to that? I wanted to say "No, it is because you are a convicted child abductor who goes utterly insane if anyone goes against your will" ,but I had DO NOT ENGAGE imprinted on my mental forehead... so I resisted.

I think what surprises me every time is how I cannot prepare myself fully, because he will come out with something so insane and unwarranted that you couldn't even have thought of it before hand. The only good side of this is that he doesn't realise he is nutty and so carries on regardless and I get to enjoy the looks of mild incredulity on people's faces. At which point I raise an eyebrow to say "see? I told ya!".

I have to look at a lot of it as amusing or I would go insane myself.

For example:

When asked how he saw the contact going over the next four weeks, how specifically he saw his time with A (his 5 month old son) he said:

"Well, I want to be there for him. I want to watch him grow, be involved with every aspect of his life. Tkae him swimming, play foot ball, take him to the park... everything"

The mediator repeated the question 3 more times before he actully got any semblence of an answer. I was smiling to myself as I knew he wasn't hiding his nuttiness and someone else would see how is really is.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on. If anyone has any (more!) advice on how to deal with the unexpected or inappropriate things then please give me some suggestions... thanks again

[mum]

You are doing great, Cadbury. DO NOT ENGAGE on your forehead....perfect. The off the wall stuff IS intended to get you off the non engagement track. Keep on NOT responding.  Can I just say, though: EEEEEEEWWWWWW on the slimy comment about you nursing!!!
WHAT A JERK!!!  Remember, gratitude is what brings us to a higher level of consiousness.....so turn that ewww into being grateful that you are not married or still with such a toad!!!!! (like I have to tell you that!)

[Plucky]

Cadbury, I agree, you are doing great.  Keep it up.  It sounds as if all you need to do is sit by whilst the N hangs himself on his own petard.

S&G, your post was masterful.  I don't have a new baby or anything, but I printed it out for future reference just for the general tone.

Plucky

[Cadbury]

Thanks again Mum and Plucky...

Just been bothered on YIM by him.... This is the conversation, do you think I was distant enough? I would really appreciate any opinions/advice:

TH: Hello Cadbury, how is our baby boy?
Cadbury: He's fine.
TH:: Good
TH:: I managed to get the video you sent me working, he's very keen
Cadbury: yes, he finally did a couple of moves today. Oh and he said Mumma
TH: Ahh
TH: What time are we meeting on Saturday? Did you find out anything else regarding *contact centre 1*?
Cadbury: I am going to*contact centre 1* with the forms tomorrow (needed an appointment). Saturday is 1 pm at *contact centre 2*
TH: Did I not have to send in a referral?
Cadbury:: Don't think so. I had to as I have parental responsibility at the moment. She will tell me tomorrow. You may need to send in the financial agreement.
TH:Okay, you will let me know then?
Cadbury: yes
TH: I have an exam tomorrow an *other son* is collecting his award for his GCSE in front of the school thursday evening
TH: just thought I'd let you know incase I'm not here
Cadbury:: ok
TH: Have dead rotting mice in loft
TH: next door poisoned the ones living in his loft and they legged it into mine to get away and dropped dead, so have a house that resembles lord of the flies
Cadbury: oh dear
TH: Big juicy blw flies too
TH:: I won't bother you anymore, so I'll say goodnight, does A like his bear? Can he hear my voice?
Cadbury:Hard to tell
TH: Well give him a kiss goodnight from me please, goodnight Cadbury, sleep well.
Cadbury: ok night

I know I did engage a couple of times, but really would appreciate any ideas on better ways to answer his crap.

Thanks again...

 

[Plucky]

Since you asked....a revised version including reduced supply!

TH: Hello Cadbury, how is our baby boy?
Cadbury: "name" is fine.
TH:: Good
TH:: I managed to get the video you sent me working, he's very keen
Cadbury: Mmmm.
TH: Ahh
TH: What time are we meeting on Saturday? Did you find out anything else regarding *contact centre 1*?
Cadbury: Not yet.
TH: Did I not have to send in a referral?
Cadbury:: Don't know.  You should call them.
TH:Okay, you will let me know then?
Cadbury: You'd better call them.
TH: I have an exam tomorrow an *other son* is collecting his award for his GCSE in front of the school thursday evening
TH: just thought I'd let you know incase I'm not here
Cadbury:: Oh.
TH: Have dead rotting mice in loft
TH: next door poisoned the ones living in his loft and they legged it into mine to get away and dropped dead, so have a house that resembles lord of the flies
Cadbury: oh.
TH: Big juicy blw flies too
TH:: I won't bother you anymore, so I'll say goodnight, does A like his bear? Can he hear my voice?
Cadbury:Hard to tell
TH: Well give him a kiss goodnight from me please, goodnight Cadbury, sleep well.
Cadbury: Good-bye.

[Plucky]

BTW, I think you did exceptionally well.  Now, on to perfection.
Plucky

[Cadbury]

Thanks Plucky! That is exactly what I was looking for! I just get torn between wanting him to love our son for the gorgeous baby he is and knowing that he is incapable of that.

BTW Why the hell would I (or anyone) want to know about the dead rotting mice? What a total weirdo!

I still get annoyed that I even answer him. I just think that if I ignore him he will think that it's because he is getting to me. After much internal arguing I came to the conclusion that detached is better... just need to get better at it.

I didn't tell him that I threw thebear with his voice in to the back of the garage, I wanted to but left it. "HArd to tell" took me about 3 minutes t think of. (longer than it sounds - honestly!)

[Plucky]

BTW what are you doing sending him a video?   Just asking.  If you really have to send it to someone, I'll watch it. 
Plucky

[Plucky]

I forgot to say that "hard to tell' was a gem.  You are a fast learner.
Plucky

[Plucky]

One more thing and then I will shut up finally.  You say you want him to love your baby.  Well, even if he were capable of love, which we all know he is not, you do not want him to love your baby.  Because then he would be around.  Forever and ever, amen.    With a little effort, he will be indifferent to your lovely son (great!) and sometimes forget about him (better!).  This is your goal.  Portray your son as an undifferentiated lump,  as surviveandgrow detailed.  Make him out to be someone who will never ever be a decent source of supply.    And then raise him also not to be a source of supply (blood) for the vampire who is your X.

An adamant
Plucky

[Cadbury]

Plucky - you do not have to shut up! This advice is exactly what I need! The video was a mistake. he asked me for some and I couldn't think of an answer fast enough... this is where I berate myself endlessly. I need to get better at just saying no and not feeling I owe him anything.

Thank you

[Sela]

Oh Dear Cadbury!  Please don't berate yourself!  You are doing a marvelous job so far!  Really, you are.  And you will get better at it, as needed, if needed!

But......since you asked, here's my version of the perfect response to TH:



TH: Hello Cadbury, how is our baby boy?

Cadbury: OOOeeeeeew!  It's you!  Go away!!

TH:: Good

TH:: I managed to get the video you sent me working, he's very keen.

Cadbury: Oh dear!  I must have sent that by mistake.  Oh well!  You can see he's not like you at all!

TH: Ahh
TH: What time are we meeting on Saturday? Did you find out anything else regarding *contact centre 1*?

Cadbury: What am I?  An information booth?  Go find out yourself you big TH!!

TH: Did I not have to send in a referral?

Cadbury:  How the heck should I know boob brain?

TH: Okay, you will let me know then?

Cadbury: Maybe in your next life dumbo.  Clean your ears out!

TH: I have an exam tomorrow an *other son* is collecting his award for his GCSE in front of the school thursday evening
TH: just thought I'd let you know incase I'm not here

Cadbury:  As if I care whether or not you are even on the planet or about your plans to do anything tomorrow.  Pretty hard up aren't you, for someone to notice?  Not me!  See ya, bye!!

TH: Have dead rotting mice in loft
TH: next door poisoned the ones living in his loft and they legged it into mine to get away and dropped dead, so have a house that resembles lord of the flies

Cadbury: Hahahaha!  I see your next door neighbour's plan!!  Are you sure it's the mice those flies are after?  You're right though, they love dead, rotting, poisonous stuff.  Gotta go.

TH: Big juicy blw flies too
TH:: I won't bother you anymore, so I'll say goodnight, does A like his bear? Can he hear my voice?

Cadbury:  Bother me?  Not possible TH.  Not by you or other rodents.  They're just a nuisance but there are fumagators who deal with it.  Hear your voice?  Ha!! I through that out ages ago!  See ya, bye.

TH: Well give him a kiss goodnight from me please, goodnight Cadbury, sleep well.

Cadbury:  I don't think so but thanks for asking.  Oh.....yes.  I sleep very well now that all the rodents are gone.  See ya bye.


( )


Guess ya can't use that one eh?

You're doing sooooo much better than I would be!  You're my new heorine Cad.

  Sela

[SurviveAndGrow]

Oh waw ! Sela... Great !  Would you like to come and live with us to repell our rodents?

Cadbury,

I think you are on the right track.  Keep learning.  You are totally right: Say 'no' and
indeed you do not owe anything to this freak.  He is out of your life.  He does not deserve
you.

I was just going to add two comments following Plucky's revised discussion (besides that the 'oh'
answer is really good). 
1) Try to substitute 'good' by 'nothing special' as much as possible.  Follow up by
'no' when asked 'really? There must be something special.  People must say he is beautiful.'. 
You might like to try things like 'just average', etc...  Hopefully, this freak will think that you
'polluted' his genes (Not the son you hold in your arms, the other one.  The fantasy view he
has of.) and slowly leave.  Send the movies, pistures, etc... to Plucky or some of your friends or your
neighbors, not to the freak.

You do not want him to think that you are a good bearer of his past and future (sorry for the
awful vision.  It will NEVER happen.) kids.  Let him think that he made a mistake by 'selecting' you.

2) I think that you are probably right on the 'polite distance'.  My instinct is rather to avoid contact
(Oh well, I probably have pretty bad post-traumatic disorders by now).  You do not have to have
any relations with this freak except during the legal obligatory times.  He is not a member of your
family.  I would recommend to not consider him as a member of your son family either.  Do you see
what I mean?  He is a stranger.  It happens that he is the father of your son.  Forget it.  It is
not 'really' family.  And it is NOT YOUR FAULT! (Don't feel guilty of anything.  The 'mistake'
you made gave you a wonderful A .)  Just go with the legal obligatory contacts.

So... I am little long to say: a) don't hesitate to say 'I need to go. Bye.'.
b) I am ready to bet that it is possible in YIM (I know it is in AIM) to filter who can see you...
Hm... hm... You do not need to change your ID, he does not know that you filtered him (no power trip),
and you can live in your 'safe world'.  Note that this option in YIM is because you have the
RIGHT to do it.  You also have the POWER to use it. 


Finally, it might be good to give a thought to Sela's strategy of inverting the power but I am
not sure of what the reactions will be (any woman who managed to or tried to tame a male N
who could recommend on this?).  I am pretty sure the distance strategy will work. 
You're doing great.

That's all I needed to say. (I am going to fade away from here at least for a little bit.)  Keep posting.
I am sure that A is a good boy and that he will grow into a good man,

SurviveAndGrow.

[Sela]

Sela... Great !  Would you like to come and live with us to repell our rodents?

S&G, as I wrote:

...there are fumagators who deal with it.

Besides, I'm too busy picking bits of dried goo out of my own wounds.  No time for small things that scamper about your place in the night.  Try the yellow pages?  Thanks for the invite though...(I think  ).

Sela