Facing the monster

[SurviveAndGrow]

Thanks for the invite though...(I think ).

Sela,

Yes!  It makes me feel a little bit better when I imagine our N's (= our rodents) at the place of Cad's freak in your revised discussion...  Just a dream... Thanks...

Sorry that you have wounds still partially open but glad that you are healing,

SurviveAndGrow.

[Sela]

Sorry that you have wounds still partially open but glad that you are healing,

I think I feel kind of lucky that all I have now are bite marks and wounds.
S&G, sorry that you have rodents and hope you find a fumagator soon.

  Sela

[Cadbury]

Wow! You people are fantastic! If only I had thought of all those things to say! I learn so much from you all. I still get that relief where people understand me... I have posted on another board a little of this story and a few people there were full of the "well, he is the father you should have a good relationship with him", no matter what I told them, they saw it like that. I love it that people here actually know what I am trying to deal with.... huge relief...

Sela your alternative wwas so funny! I laughed out loud... If only! That is my dream responses! Thanks for that!

HE is such a slime ball... I spoke to the woman at the contact centre yesterday and handed in the referral forms. I had marked him as a child abductor... must have forgotten to tell her that it was parental child abduction... whoops... must have slipped my mind. He won't like that....

I am feeling so much relief that other people do see him for what he is. My biggest worry was that they wouldn't be able to and I would look insane. At the moment however, he seems entirely unable to hide his nuttiness which is good.

Thanks again... I have actually made notes! I treat this board as my crib sheet for my "exam" !! I have little listsfrom you all

Well, time for tea and some of my namesake ...

[Cadbury]

I have contact tomorrow Wish me luck...this doesn't feel any easier...

[Healing&Hopeful]

Good Luck Cadbury hon.... Your strong and I think your doing so well, you'll be fine xx

[Sela]

Due to the fact that neither your nor my dream conversations with TH are likely possible tomorrow, please do your best to respond with the rather non-reactive/bored/unconcerned/totally off the wall responses which may or may not have been suggested by the wise people here such as:

"oh" (looking out the window or searching for something interesting to look at)

"really?"  (with a confused smile, pick up a magazine and glance through it)

"hmmmm"  (think about chocolate or a large piece of cheese cake, your choice!!)

"un huh"  (imagine his hair in curlers or him wearing an evening gown, again your choice)

and my fav:

"what?" (hahaha...laughing sweetly, change subject to completely unrelated topic, as you leave the room)

Go girl!!

  Sela

[mum]

Cadbury, remember, this is a visit between him and your son. It is NOT between your exNidiot and yourself....why would it be?
So, if he tries discussing anything other than your son with you.....(and you already know not to gush answers), just ignore it and maybe even say, "You and I are not visiting..."....(because let's face it, if it weren't for that baby, you'd have nothing to do with this loser.)
You'll be fine...you are NOT his supplier......(of anything)

[Plucky]

whoops... must have slipped my mind. Smile He won't like that....

yaie!   If you have to think of him at all, and hopefully not, think of some other things he won't like!

Cad, I think you are very prepared.  Each meeting is not a one-off test.    You get to refine your technique and practice it.  Please don't berate yourself, and I'm sorry I brought up anything that would lead you to do.  Just say to yourself,

"I'm not perfect!"

Because no one is, and neither are you called on to be perfect.  Exception:  your X is a perfect arse!

If you accidentally agree to do something for him, you can always 'forget'.  "I forgot"  (Never say I'm sorry!!!) ", you'll have to do it yourself/I won't be able to/you'd better not count on me".

Stay only as long as you are obligated to.

Good luck!
Plucky
 

[mum]

Thinking of you, Cadbury!!!!  Sending light and strength!!!!

[Cadbury]

Okay, well the meeting is over for another week. It was horrible, but I think I did okay. He arrived at the grubby church hall wearing a suit and tie again (the same suit and tie as last time). I had brought some of my PhD work and opened it up as soon as I got in to the room. He kept trying to talk to me and I would just get a far away look of concentration, and he would apologise for disturbing me. I ignored his apologies. Everything he said I tried my best to just "hmmm" or "uh huh" and pretend to be entirely indifferent.

He finally brought his son a present .... a plastic teether. Must have cost him all of £2. He went to open it and give it to him, but I said I would have to take it home and sterilise it first. He tried to insist, but I stood my ground. HE had also brought a present for me.... he brought me chocolate! I hope you are all proud of me... I told him I had given chocolate up! He said that I may as well have it as he wouldn't eat it and I just said NO!! He left it on the table for the rest of the visit and even though I could hear it calling me... I didn't touch any!!

He kept trying to engage me and saying random odd N-ish things and I coped reasonably well. He looked over my shoulder at my work. Now, I should point out that I have a maths degree and am in my second year of a PhD and due to the fact that it was my supervisor's work I was having a hard tiome understanding a word of it  , however, My ex looked over my shoulder and said "I understand that.. ha now that surprises you doesn't it?!" I said "Really? Explain it to me then, I don't understand it" He actually shut up. This was followed by looking at me very seriously (as they do when they are about to say something of world importance) and then saying "How does it feel to be so much better at maths than me?". He thought this was a serious and reasonable question to ask. That was one thing I didn't know how to answer, so I kind of stuttered... but at least I didn't engage.

The dodgy comment of the week was when he was talking to A "Look at you - you put everything in your mouth! Just like your mother", dirty tone, leery look. I pretended I hadn't heard a word and scribbled it down under the guise of writing notes.

A was extremely tired (funny that ) and towards the end of the visit he had gotten very fractious. This is when I did a bad thing... I knew that if A saw me leave he would go mad.. so I suddenly needed the bathroom. I made sure A saw me leave and went... noting the screams of an over tired baby behind me. He would not calm down and I could hear him from the bath room. It was horrible, but I wanted my ex to know what it can be like to have a baby and hopefully get tired of it and leave us alone. When I came back A was reaching for me and screaming and ex N wouldn't let him go to me. Not until I said I would have to take him home as he was too unhappy to continue the visit. We left around 15 minutes early. Ex N was a little annoyed, but it was for A not him.

Not too bad then really. Thanks for all your encouragement. I was thinking of you all whilst I was there! I had Sela comments going round in my head and wishing I could say them. When he did the worst things, I was smiling as I thought of what you would all say.

Slightly unrelated: A is now 6 months old (well, Friday) and he finally slept for the night! I had thee first full nights sleep in 6 months the other day, and then he did it again last night. I feel like a new woman!

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((((((Cadbury)))))))))))) hon.... I feel so proud of you.  It is so difficult to change techniques and very easy to fall into the old ways, I don't mean by going back to him, I mean that if anyone else had bought you chocs you'd happily accept, so I feel this is such a great achievement, being able to see him for what he is, and respond in a way that suits you.

His maths comment made me laugh.  How dare you be better at Maths than him, what were you thinking!!! lol

Well done as well for working the suitation to suit you with A and the bathroom.  So it's a little bit naughty, but sometimes we have to do this kind of this to protect ourselves and to protect our children.

Take care

H&H xx

[Sela]

Cadbury, way to go!

I think you did a marvelous job of this visit and you will only get better at it.  Ok .....just for fun....a creative recap:

TH:  Blah blah blah

Cadbury:  Hmmmm.......unhuh

TH: Sorry, blah blah blah, sorry, sort of, blah blah blah blah

Cadbury:  unhuh?  hmmmm. pardon?  What?  yeah right.

TH:  I have a present for you.......chocolate.

Cadbury:  Hmmm.  What?  oh....I don't do chocolate anymore.  Stick it where the sun don't shine.

TH:  blah blah blah

Cadbury:  unhuh.   hmmmmmmmm.  yeah right.

TH:  random odd nish blah blah blah

Cadbury:  Huh?  hmmmmm.  yeah right.

TH:  (looking over C's shoulder at math work)  "I understand that.. ha now that surprises you doesn't it?!"

Cadbury:  Quite a bit.  Explain it.

TH:  (thinks: dummm dee dumm dumm......phooey)...." (says nothing) "

Cadbury:  Yep, you're a rocket scientist alright.  Unhuh.  Hmmmmmm.

TH:  "How does it feel to be so much better at maths than me?"

Cadbury:  "It feels wonderful!  I love it!!  I'm waaaaaaaaay better at soooooo many things than you are!  Eat your sick little heart out......TH....now where was I......oh yes.......hmmmmmmmmmm"

TH:  (looking at 6 month old A and speaking)  "Look at you - you put everything in your mouth! Just like your mother", dirty tone, leery look.

Cadbury:  (Maybe thought:  Hey A!  Don't worry about what TH is trying to feed you.  It's not what goes in your mouth that matters.  It's what comes out!)  but says:  Hmmmmmmmmmmm  I'm off to the ladies room now as I really feel the need to purge!

A:  whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah........

TH:   

Cabury:  (secretly)   

Yesssssssss...........I think you did a marvelous job!  Very well done!  Glad you were thinking about what others here would like to say to TH.....and smiling on the inside.  Wonderful!! 

It just seems like he's trying soooooooooooooooooo desparately to get some control.......to trip you up....to shock you.......to get you to react.  You did a fantastic job of not giving him that!!  And his disgusting comment makes me want to hurl!!  Good for you for ignoring it!

Re:  Sleeping through the night.  I remember that!!!

  Sela

[Plucky]

Cadbury,
you did great!  you

1.  rejected his 'unsanitary' gift to A
2.  rejected his 'romantic' gift to you
3.  made the baby reject him
4.  made sure his intelligence and integrity were in question re the maths problem
5.  said nothing really to engage at all
6.  cut the visit short
7.  Ignored his leer
8.  took notes

I hereby award you a diploma from the  No Supply University.

Yay!
Plucky

[miss piggy]

Cadbury,

You ROCK!

Gosh, he did his absolute best to try and hook you and none of it worked.  Awesome!!  And the bathroom break was brilliant. 

   MP

[Plucky]

Ps He's sleeping thru the nite already?  What a GENIUS!   Brilliant for you!  I  know exactly what you mean by 'new woman'.  Wait until you can take a shower anytime you want.  Woo-hoo!
Plucky