Facing the monster

[onlyrenting]

Cadbury

No Supply University

You go girl!!!

I only have a second to say how impressed I am with your strong efforts and well deserved
Diploma, Plucky awards you......the No Supply University.....

The bathroom break could serve you well in the future. The moment I gave him A I would find the need to run for the bathroom that was great!!

wanted to let you know how proud I am of you and will be facing my Ex  in court at the end of Jan.
I must fly out to CA for the settlement divorce. I have managed to maintain full custody of our 13 yr old for now. I hope I can be as strong as you.

Got to go  !!! take care ................OR   

[Hopalong]

Hi Cadbury,
It has been such an inspiration to read your progression from scared-s**less to in control, competent, and actually EXERCISING so many of the "tips" while the contact was actually going on. Really, that is powerful stuff. I hope you feel proud of yourself because it really is such vivid evidence of a person who is taking her own mind back! I loved catching up on this and it is an amazing example of how things really can be changed just by changing the way we ourselves react (since we can do zippolah about anybody else). I am sooo impressed, and want to thank you for letting us walk through the blow-by-blow way you've managed your responses. It really is encouraging, both in specificallly visualizing how to deal with an N, and also just as a way to remember that empowering things can happen if we are determined.

thanks so much for sharing it all. This is exciting and inspiring--keep posting these "scripts" from your contacts, you give us all strength!

KUDOS,
Hopalong

[Cadbury]

Wow.. I cannot believe how nice you've all been! I just do what you all say and it works! I did go through a totally crap stage last year of missing him and thinking he was human, so it has been a long journey. I couldn't have done it without this board. I dread to think what my life would be like without you all!

You are all fantastic people, so thank yo uso much.
I have very little time as I have to go and get ready to drool over Josh Holloway in Lost tonight, but I wanted you to know that I have read all your responses and am so wonderfully happy that I have come so far.

I have a bigger challenge on Friday, when we will have a room to ourselves in a contact centre... I am terrified, but trying my best to prepare myself mentally for it. I find it so hard to be so rude to someone, I am not naturally like that. That is something I wouldn't have done if I hadn't read all your advice on how best to deal with him. He already emailed me today to ask if he could change the time from 10 until 11.30... I said "No I cannot make that" and I didn't even give a reason, which I would have done before you all ...

I will update as soon as I can and thank you all again ...

[Cadbury]

So...Friday wasn't too bad. It was horrible being alone in the room with him, I hated it so much. He kept trying to engage with me and I did okay... not brilliantly. It was much harder when it was just the two of us. He kpt telling me I looked nice (ignored), I was a good mother (ignored). Then he told me how he had been trying to get me a present that he "just knew I would have loved". I told him that there was no need for him to get me presents. Then he gave me a very serious look and said "Cadbury,......tell me do you have this effect on all the men you've been with". So I said "Yes, there they all are waiting in a line outside the door". Actually, I didn't say that at all... that is what I thouht sela may have come up with so I smiled to myself and ... stuttered like a mad fool. I just couldn't think how to respond. I also had a few moment s where A was fretting and I couldn't help myself showing tithead what to do to calm him. the best thing was that A is going throug ha very clingy stage and if I am in the room he gets quite upset. He spent the whole hour looking for me and (miracle of miracles) calling "mum-mum-mum-mum-mum" the whole time. It was likely just random noise, but it made Tithead get a little put out. He told me it was because I spoil A...

I found it so muc hmore difficult than it sounds here... I can't explain why. I think it is because Ifeel like I am playing a game to his rules all the time. Although I am so much better about not engaging, it is still a real effort. He gave me some of the money he owes me and that concerns me... why? He is not likely to do anything if it doesn't have his best interests at heart, so I wonder what he is up to.....I have been quite low since Friday, for no reason I can properly explain... strange.... I will think on it and see if I can put it into words...


Thank yo uall again

[mum]

I found it so muc hmore difficult than it sounds here... I can't explain why

Cadbury...maybe I can help with that explanation....your heart of hearts (your son) is in the arms of the man who you most despise in the world (with good reason), who doesn't deserve to hold this precious child, as your son is crying for you, and you are forced to allow this because it is what tithead's "legal rights" are.
Sounds pretty horrible to me!

It will all be ok, Cadbury. You are doing a remarkable job. So what if you stammered when he made a comment specifically designed to catch you off card (and sound complimentary too.....what an jerk...grrrrr!). That doesn't mean he called the shots, or you played his game....not at all. Let that one go. He said something ridiculous considering the context, and any NORMAL person would have that reaction. Doesn't mean anything, except you are normal and he is not.

Bravo, strong woman!!!  Bravo. Your son needs one good parent. That is you. Tithead is an interloper, and sidebar, and an idiot as well. Don't waste any time wondering too much about him. Every week is practice in letting go of this emotional "thing" he does to you.....( I know, I practice this with my ex ALL the time). It's good practice, seriously. If you get this one figured out, NOTHING can keep you down ever again! NOTHING. And you are almost there, kiddo!!!!

[Plucky]

Hey Cadbury,
Um could you refresh my memory?   So who was the jerko here, was it you?  Oh no, it was tithead?  Ok well if you have to berate anybody, berate old tithead here.  Not yourself.   You've been coping admirably.  Of course you have qualms, and shivers, and acid in your stomach.  I do not envy that one bit.  It is not easy, but it will get easier.  Old Ns have trouble learning new tricks.  Whereas you, my dear chocolate bar, are a very quick study.  The hardest thing in the world to learn is how to change your emotional reactions.   It requires not only intellect but willpower, motivation, flexibility... I'd go on but I fear your level head would swell.
Plucky
 

[Plucky]

PS he gave you the money to try to do something 'nice'.  Not nice as in good to you or the Right Thing to Do. Niice as in, 'now you owe me something' or nice as in 'see everyone what a great person I am'.   Or nice as in 'she won't be expecting this, so I can get the upper hand for a moment.'

The correct reaction?  "Where's the rest of my money?"  or "About time.  What took so long?"  Don't you DARE feel GRATEFUL or THANKFUL.   
A belligerent, indignant,
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Cadbury, I swear Mum and Plucky were IN THAT ROOM with you!
I too think you did just magnificently.
This is Broadway, you do the same play over and over and every now and then you forget a line or trip over a prop. So what.

You are just amazing. The down feelings are just that you didn't have the new adrenalin high of the first triumph! But consider this...the ultimate goal of these contacts for you is chronic mild irrittion and...BOREDOM.

Yup. No drama. Just a really boring chore you get more and more detached about doing and which soon will not derail you from enjoying the previous and following hours...fully.

STILL totally impressed. Quit grading yourself. It's a pass-fail course and you're way better than passing this! You have so many serious reasons to sit down and have a nice session of real self respect. Just try that on like a beautiful new coat and walk around in it.

I bet you'll be wearing it more and more, because it looks GREAT on you.
Hopalong

[Sela]

Hiya Cadbury:

I'm with the others who have praised your responses.  I think you are doing a marvelous job!  Truly!  You are getting better and better at dealing with this dope!  That's fantastic!!

...the ultimate goal of these contacts for you is chronic mild irrittion and...BOREDOM.

Oh Hoppy!!  I sooooo agree!  Or better yet.......as entertainment!  Not really something you look forward to with glee......but something you (Cadbury) can come away from.....eventually.....shaking your head and smiling at how silly TH is.......how juvenile.....and how some of his antics even make you laugh!!!  Rather than inducing acid in your stomache.....something that gives you a chuckle, part of the time, and is otherwise, quite boring.

Then he gave me a very serious look and said "Cadbury,......tell me do you have this effect on all the men you've been with". So I said "Yes, there they all are waiting in a line outside the door". Actually, I didn't say that at all... that is what I thouht sela may have come up with  so I smiled to myself and ... stuttered like a mad fool.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!  Oh yes!  I might have said that!!  Or even maybe......:

TH:  "Cadbury......tell me do you have this effect on all the men you've been with"

Cad:  "Oh for heaven's sakes no man!!!  They acted normal!!"

    (and if he should then ask:  "Normal?"  maybe respond:  "What?  Oh you know!  Normal silly!  Like a normal person!" and giggle sweetly!!

Great going Cadbury for thinking up stuff to keep you grounded and even giggling inside!  Maybe that shiver was you resisting bursting out laughing?  Or soon it will be!!  Even the thoughts that make you smile will help to calm you....help you keep your boundaries safe.......even help you relax a little.  After all......he is just a TH trying every trick!  He's playing a childnish game and losing!  You're waaaaaaaaaaay too adult to get taken in by him!  Soon....you'll be confusing the heck outta him!!  He'll have tried it all and still be a loser!!

  Sela

[Mati]

Hey Cadbury

I think that you are doing just great, BUT, sorry if I am missing something and do not grasp the whole situation, why do you have to put yourself through all of this? You find it distressing to be in his presence, and he makes smutty sexual remarks to you. So who can make you be there?

He has permission to see his child right? But the child cannot bear to be without your presence for more than a few minutes right? So OK the visit has to end pretty quickly and the child returned to you (waiting in another room). It seems to me that tithead will get fed up with this much sooner. You being there, seems to me, will be giving him the message that his presence is not that bad as far as you are concerned, and actually being such a tithead, might even mean that you are still interested ? YUCK!

Mati

[miss piggy]

Hello Cadbury,

ugh, this does sound hard and you did well even though you have to feel lousy when you see tithead...

My guesses as to why you feel lousy even though you did well:

1. you had to see him at all
2. before you broke up, you both could pretend you were relating, but it wasn't relating
3. now you know the two of you pretended, but even with this knowledge you must still play a role, not be yourself and it's exhausting.  You have changed, but he has not.  He's exhausting for another person to be around whether or not the other person is healthy or not.  You've changed, but the two of you still cannot relate because this is an impossible task for him.  (I still work on this one when I see Nfather...)
4. You want to immunize A against the unhealthy atmosphere tithead presents.  Who would knowingly expose their baby to radiation?  And yet you are required to do so...that would make any caring mother feel icky.

I think he gave you the money because nothing else will keep you "hooked".  Good!  He's getting the message that you mean business.  He'll probably hold back just those last few dollars when he figures it out.  I'm glad you are rejecting his meaningless stupid presents.

If he asks you some other provocative question, just toss the question away.  You can tell it's irrelevant when it confuses you whether it's better to answer yes or no.  Just say "irrelevant".  Pretend (since we're still pretending) that you are a defense attorney.  The courtroom game is based on whether questions are fair or not, asked appropriately or not.  So think "Objection!"  "Sustained."

Perhaps it will help you to know that A is a strong and resilient baby.  All the time you spend with him makes him that much stronger and healthier for when he has to deal with adversity from any source, including dear old dad.  IMO, that's the part of you that is still vulnerable to this creep.  If you can find a potent shield, then you won't feel yucky.  And I like what Hoppy said: stop grading yourself!  But if you still need to grade yourself, measure your progress by how quickly you and A bounce back after the visit.  

You still rock, girl!  Hugs, MP

[belle]

I'm just following along here, and want to echo what a great job it sounds like you're doing of not giving the N his supply.

Just posting to suggest:

Next time he throws one of those "unanswerable" questions at you--"How does it feel to be better than maths at me," "do you have this effect on all men," just give him a faintly puzzled look, and say, "Huh.  I couldn't really say."  

The point of those kind of questions is, of course, to throw you off your game, so take as much time as you need to think of a reply.  Don't worry about coming up with the "right" response or even any.  Pretend you didn't hear, or just acknowledge that the question didn't make any sense and you don't know what the bleep he's talking about.  Ignore him; when he asks again, blink at him as though you've just intercepted a signal from planet Claire (which you have, pretty much), and say, politely, "Hm?"  Repeat as necessary until you've collected yourself: "I'm sorry?"  "Do what? Hm?"  (If you want to be evil, which you probably don't since that constitutes engaging--my weakness!--you could keep making him repeat himself until he sounds like a parrot.  at any rate it's murder on the "soulful, serious" vibe they want to project.  most likely he'd respond by getting irritated...)  Winding up with the standard: "Huh.  Dunno.  Couldn't say."

good luck!

[belle]

(one last thought)--actually, what would *really* kill him, especially if it's a question about "how's it feel to be so much better than I am", just say: "Huh.  Never really gave the matter much thought."

[mudpuppy]

Hi Cadbury,

Like everyone else I think you're doing great.

One thing I've found that helps, is to remember what the shrinks tell us about these people. They use others as a mirror. The only reflection they see is when we respond. If we respond compliantly they see themselves as in charge. If we respond defiantly they see us as not recognizing their wonderfulness, but they're still in charge cause they pushed our buttons.
So IMO the way to not be a mirror is to not respond at all. You become transparent; a window not a mirror.
If he gives you money he owes you, put it in your purse without a word. If he says anything at all that absolutely does not require a response just stare at him blankly or nonchalantly look around the room, occasionally meeting his gaze with no expression (if he is the type who maintains eye contact). Or take a book with you.
Anytime he tries to engage you stop and take time to think whether the world will end if you just ignore him. It won't.
If you're lucky he'll lose interest and leave you and your wee one alone.

mudpup

[Cadbury]

Thanks again to you all... your support helps me so much.

Today we had mediation and everything I have managed so far has been blown away because I just couldn't seem to keep it together. It was awful... he pushed every button and the mediator cannot see him for what he is and thinks he's this great father trying to do his best... I got angry, I got upset I fell apart, left the room, sidled back in .... you think of something wrong to do with an N - I did it. I feel utterly awful about it. I am just going to eat something and try and calm down a little then I will respond to you all a little more... I feel crappy...