I've changed the title of this topic because I've since realized this is the theme of the dream and the theme of my life. All my relationships have been about abuse and neglect. There was never one to date that was healthy. At some level there was both abuse and neglect. They all may not have been as destructive as my Nparents' relationship but they were all the same.
During therapy this week I realized that the dream about my h ignoring me and Behr was a metaphor for my all relationships. I told my t that I was no longer willing to have any relationship like that. I said, "I've got another 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years to live and I want to live that with someone who treats me the way I want to be treated."
He said, "these were very important questions to be asking yourself."
I said, "I couldn't imagine living this way with my h for another 20, 30 or 40 years. It would be wasting my life."
After going to therapy this last week I made a decision about my marriage. I discussed that decision with my h this last weekend. I told him that I was no longer willing to live with abuse and neglect. I said, "the abuse is basically been handled and now the neglect needs to be."
He said "I've been thinking about that since another discussion we had the last time I visited."
(We are currently separated and dating.)
We got into a discussion about why he doesn't do things on time, why he works long hours, etc. We've had this discussion a zillion times and never resolved anything to the point that he decided to change his behavior.
Finally I said "the bottom line is I am no longer willing to be married to someone who behaves like that and treats me like that. You have the resources to change. You've had them for a long time. You just haven't done anything about it. I need to know whether you are going to do it. I need to see a game plan not hear about a game plan."
My h has ADHD and that is the cause of the poor timing, etc. Relationships complicate these behaviors. There are things which can be done to change these behaviors. I even purchased books which describe step by step instructions for changing one's life. Yet my h has never read them. He's medicated and has believed that is all he needs. Before he got medicated he didn't even believe that medication would help. Now he doesn't believe he needs to do anything else.
And I'm no longer wiling to live with and be married to someone who acts the way he does.
Though there are benefits to living with someone with ADHD. My h is extremely adaptive to any situation. He's also creative. He's very funny and always has a joke to tell and he gets the punch line right. (Something I've never done well probably due to growing up with 3 butthole N's.) He literally invents things on the fly. If the tool doesn't exist he'll come up with his own tool. This happened recently when the pellet stove chimney needed to be cleaned. The rod attachment for the brush wasn't the correct fit so my h duct taped the brush to a wire. Then he duct taped that to a tube. He got the job done. I know many men would have given up. Not my h. Where there's a will there's a way. There's been thousands of other incidents and events like this. It's usually the unorthodox solution which is my h's answer and 99% of the time it works.
His son (my s-son) also has ADHD. Imagine two men with ADHD working together in the same business? They do! They're always coming up with new ideas, new ways to do things, inventing shortcuts, both very creative and NEVER ON TIME! Although my s-son is better about being on time because of his xN-BPD wife. She was anal retentive when it came to being on schedules. No room for spontaniety. However being away from his xW he is losing that timing and slipping into his old habits.
My s-son commented to me recently, "I'm just like my dad. I can't stand it. You were right." I just had to laugh. They are like two peas in a pod. He doesn't want to accept he has ADHD either. When he does, hopefully at a younger age than his dad, it will change his life. That is if he can take full responsibility with it.
