Can you or do you cry?

[Marta]

I think maybe I'm making too much of an issue out of it

DON'T say that. DON'T minimize the feeling you felt which was strong enough to bring you in front of a computer and send out this post. In doing so, you are discounting and minimizing your own feelings, which may the problem to begin with.

[Plucky]

I agree with Marta.  See the "it's not that bad' thread. Crying is an essential human function.  Even elephants and dolphins cry.  We should get to also.
Plucky

[Plucky]

Tiffany,
I am so sorry that happened to you.  I hope you have had the opportunity to grieve those awful experiences.  Thank you for sharing.  I know it is not easy to put that out there.  Thanks for trusting us and helping others.

Being strong does not mean not crying.  Crying is not weakness. It is strength.  It is the ability to deal with strong emotion and come out on the other side more resilient than ever.   Crying gives you the means to flex rather than break. 

If you have to exert mighty efforts to maintain a sham of a relationship with your horrible mother, is it worth it?
Plucky

[Marta]

H&H,

Minimizing and discounting our own feelings is a hallmark characteristic of children of N parents. That is why this board is named voicelessness. My feelings don't matter, I am fine thank you, No problem I can be invisible if you want me to. This trait manifests in different ways in different folks.

Since you are just starting out your journey, and doing it solo without a therapist, I say observe yourself and see how many times you tell yourself that I am making too much of an issue out of nothing. A great book to read on this one is Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.   

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you so much for all your help in this thread.  It is making me question things that I thought were good traits but now realise that they may not be.

My stepdad was all for "anything to keep the peace" "can't stand arguments" and I still follow this to a certain extent.  I truly hate confrontation, conflict and arguments.  Most of the time I go with the flow and if I feel strongly about something, I speak up.  I'm probably better at this now than ever because my husband has given me confidence in this area, because he always listens.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Dear H&H,
I was very moved by Marta's passion and echo what she said.

I thought you might like to know that's one avenue that can help.
(Hypnosis helped me break a 20-year smoking addiction, so I am awed by its potential. I have also gotten his help for procrastination.)

Weeping in a safe place, with a kind person...I think is kinder to yourself than doing it alone, after so many years with the spigot rusted shut. I hope you will. Have a tall bottle of water on hand and prepare to be thirsty afterward! Plus a nice warm washcloth. Ahhh.

(My favorite movie of all time, BABE, brought healing tears. What was nice was that they came with laughter too.) I think it just takes practice. The first few times might feel uncomfortable and draining, but after a while, maybe it will become: oh, this is another thing I do. It's just another part of your repertoire of responses to life.

No right or wrong way to do it. (Or not do it.)

Hopalong

In some ways Hopalong it's bizarre the two things that you pinpointed.  Firstly the hypnotherapy.... I went last week to see a hypnotherapist to stop smoking, it worked for a week until I let my SIL's dog out after work and my husband's cigs were on the side with his lighter.  I think I just don't have enough willpower.  Plus the hypnotherapist couldn't put me under... normally people say they feel they've been under 10 mins or an hour, I said 45 mins, whereas it was actually 37 showing them that I was quite aware of time.

And the film babe was on TV on christmas day 7 years ago.  I had been dumped 3 days previous and spent the day on my own and drank a copious amount of alcohol.  Not one of the best days in my life, but if it hadn't have happened I would have decided the next year to be abroad.  I worked my socks off for a year and then spent the next Christmas & New Year in New Zealand and had a very different and enjoyable time.

Big hugs

H&H xx

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you Hoppy.... I wasn't going to go back because I wasn't relaxed and had to force myself to keep my eyes shut.  The T told me it would be an enjoyable experience and for me, because of not feeling relaxed it wasn't, however I do get another attempted for free and because of what you've told me, I will book in again and give it another go, I promise.

[October]

Cptsd is the complex variant resulting from child abuse, followed by trauma in adult life, and needs specialist handling.  It is not about letting out tears (although I can understand that feeling), but far more complex. 

It is about establishing safety, remembering, mourning and, eventually, reconnecting, according to Judith Herman.  I would recommend her book Trauma and Recovery, followed by therapy with a trauma specialist. If that specialist uses hypnotherapy then fine, but I do not personally think that a non specialist should attempt treating anyone with cptsd.  I have this condition myself, and have lost count of the well meaning non specialists who have retraumatised me over and over again.  I would not submit to hypnotherapy myself for the simple reason that I am highly suggestible.  If anyone in authority tells me to do something I find it a real struggle not to comply.  That is bad enough, even without the hypnotic trance.

Dissociation plays a huge role in protecting, coping with and living with cptsd, and hypnosis may well interfere with that, because the trance states are likely to be very similar.